Is it wrong?

nvallejo1

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

It sounds like he has issues that involve more than just your male friends. If he is so insecure that he does not want you on a coed team, then where will it go from there? I know people who's husbands won't even let them go grociery shopping alone...

amysj303

I think if you were friends before the marriage, they get "grandfathered in" but you can't make new guy friends. I don't know why! it's like, if I said I was going out for drinks with this guy I just made friends with, it's just not ok!
I think the other thing is whether this is taking something from your husband. That advice columnist Carolyn Hax just had this in her online chat from Friday and said:
The difference between emotional infidelity and a really close friendship is what it takes away from you and the value you place on it. If the time your husband spends with his close friend is time you want to share with him (within reason; marriage does not = Siamese twinning), and if he shares things with his friend that he's unable or unwilling to share with you, and this sharing comes at your expense, then you have grounds to speak up, and a loving and attentive mate will listen. There's more than one way to address the problem, so the key thing is validating the concern and being willing to bend.

The wording has to be so careful here, because here's an example of something harmless: Let's say your spouse has a hobby that doesn't interest you, and pursues it (and talks about it at length) with a good friend, and you are actually happy for the X hours of alone time this spousal hobby-nobbing allows you, and when your spouse returns you're happy to see each other, then, yay for all involved

DeeJayTJ

just my opinion feel free to disagree...

i would only think it depends on if your cheating on him or not.

if your a cheater, then he has every reason to freak out.

ive never been married, but when i was with my ex gf, i had no problem with her having guy friends, then one day, one of her guy friends started being a little different to her.

and then it happened.... i got cheated on...by her with her "guy friend"

i think part of it is that she got all on a fitness journey and thought she was just too damn hot to handle, and i was just little ol fat tj... a guy who needed to lose some weight in order to keep up with her good looks..

these days i dont care if a girlfriend has guy friends.. if shes going to cheat on me then she can go **** her self and there is nothing i can do about it and if shes not.. then cool

hopefully you guys work something out.

MaximalLife

I always thought if I can't trust you why am I with you? **Insecurity** issues on his part for some reason? I have male and female friends, I don't want to sleep with my female friends. But I do get asked am I sleeping with whichever woman I'm around at the time.

Human nature is very insecure.
Call me uptight, and not that my wife ever would, but if some guy wanted to be my wife's "friend"......
I just can't even imagine a scenario.
I would go NUTS and start a fight.
And so would my wife if it were me going to hang out at the sports bar with one of our real estate agents or brokers.
She and I both know that I'd be banging them like crazy at some point.

I recall an incident with an associates's wife which led to her stalking me endlessly. I never knew she was even the slightest bit attracted.
After that, I started building wide hedges of protection.

Aviendha_RJ

My BF has a LOT of female friends. Some of them are single... some of them he's dated in the past. His ex-gf Michelle being among them... & he does things like... help her move... go to her parties (with me in tow)... go to her grandmother's funeral.

It bugs me.. yeah. Because they had a rough break-up, & it was highly emotionally charged. He left her because he couldn't stand her temper, & she's with someone else now.

But my BF pulling a white-knight coming to her rescue when she needs her floors re-finished so she can list her house for sale? Bothers me. I'm with you on this one...

At the same time... I trust him. I know that he's trying to remain friends with her because it is a case of a large common social circle, and he's trying to keep things uncomplicated. We've talked openly about this... & I understand his reasons for this behaviour.

If you CAN talk openly about it... & he can come to understand your reasons & you can understand his, & you both respect each other for your opinions, then it's great. But what it sounds like is you're not willing to try, and he feels like he's losing you. Probably has something to do with insecurity as a man, & your weight loss journey. You may not realize the difference in confidence level you have, but he may see it. Confidence is sexy to men; it's highly possible that he sees sexual rivals in these men you are spending time with. If you can make him feel secure, then maybe you can both relax a bit.

I would recommend a book called "Love Languages"... it's really good. I read it & realize now that saying to my BF "I love you so much" & giving him a kiss doesn't mean HALF as much to him as when I say "I respect you so much as a man, because...."

Its really helped me. Good luck in your relationship, and good luck in your journey. I hope everything turns out well for you on both fronts.

ThinningDownChick

I've always had guy friends that I talk about weight training and what not with and guy workout partners, but my husband is okay with it. If it ever became a problem and he asked me NOT to have the guy friends I would respect his wishes. I don't think it's a matter of whether or not you should be allowed to be friends with someone, I think it boils down to whether or not you're willing do stop doing something that bothers him. To me, it's no different then if you asked him not to do something that bothers you and he still did it.

MaximalLife

It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?

OK, thanks.
Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

Oh boy...tough issue.

im quite sexual, tbh. its one of the reasons hubby fell for me ;p we have two kids, planning for a third and still...enjoy each other very much.
i have plenty of other people im attracted to, but i dont want to jump their bones every time my husband turns his back.
not too long ago we went to a house party - men and women. single/married/gay whatever. some people left, hubby fell asleep on the couch and so it was me and 3 guys awake and quite drunk. we didnt all get naked and do each other. we grabbed a few more beers and sat down to watch a movie. (we all passed out somewhere around halfway through, but thats besides the point). one of the guys (single, attractive, i would probably try to hook up with him if i wasnt married) complained about his back hurting from work. i gave him a massage (he even took his shirt off for it! ). he said thanks. end of story. never once did it cross my mind to hit on any of them, or take anything further than enjoying a movie together.

That nuts.
I could never do that in my wildest imaginations.
I just don't get it - sorry.
Good for you folks, but I got an erection years ago getting a massage from an 80 year old black named Henry at the gym after a sparing session. Some of us just can't do that, but I won't project.
Again, good for you guys.....:ohwell:

musicgirl88

I didn't read through any of the other comments, just wanted to put in my two cents...I say find a different marraige counselor that isn't male. Males tend to have this whole "do as I say not as I do" train of thought. It is ok for them to have friends of the opposite sex, but not ok for the wife to have friends of the opposite sex. You need to let him know that it bothers you that he wants you to choose between him and your friends. Ask him how he would feel if you said he couldn't talk to his friends anymore. I had this issue with an ex of mine,and yes I know we were not married and things do change a bit when you are married, but we talked it over and it was stemed from his own insecurities. He thought I was looking for someone better when the truth is, I just get along better with guys. I have very few female friends because I simply do not get along with them LOL Now I know not all women are the same way, but where I went to school and the community I live in, most of the women are whiney, fake *****es LOL...plus I am a HUGE tomboy...I'm not a girly girl...anyway..got way off topic there LOL Try to talk it out with him and find a therapist that will actually work with you, not just tell you to give up your friends.

rachs02

I don't see any issue with you having friends outside of the marriage. To tell you that you can't continue friendships that existed prior to the marriage is a control issue that I would not feel comfortable with. That is your husband's issue though, not yours.

Good luck.

I agree there is some control issue. The fact that a coed softball team bothers him is ridiculous. Also I don't think there is anything wrong with you simple touching base with your old friends asking how things are going.

cloud2011

I've been married a long time (25 years). I've had a lot of friends divorce in that time, and marriage has a lot of ups and downs. Fortunately, we've had more ups than downs.

You don't say whether your husband is extremely possessive at other times. Or, he might see something you don't. You may have crossed the friend line (or he feels you have). He might see that a certain guy has a thing for you.

In any case, if my husband asked me not to hang out or call certain people, I would have to take him seriously.Doesn't mean I would automatically do everything he says, but I would really spend a lot of my energy trying to see things from his point of view.

I personally am very aware of even the appearance of impropriety. I make sure I'm never in any situation where it could even seem a little bit like I'm trying to get inappropriate attention from another man. (By the way, my husband probably wouldn't notice anyway!)

It sounds like there's an issue of control, and it's being played out on this issue.

As Dr. Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? If you're only going to be happy doing what you want, then it's pretty clear you need to break up. You'll only make each other miserable.

Dave198lbs

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

LorinaLynn

Forbidding your spouse from being friends with someone is kind of like training a dog not to growl. Nothing is going to stop a dog from biting if it feels provoked, but if you trained it not to growl, you won't get any warning. And a spouse who's going to cheat is going to cheat no matter what. If they're untrustworthy enough to cheat, they'll be untrustworthy enough to lie about who they're spending time with.

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

CallMeCupcakeDammit

I think if you were friends before the marriage, they get "grandfathered in" but you can't make new guy friends. I don't know why! it's like, if I said I was going out for drinks with this guy I just made friends with, it's just not ok!

This is basically what I just told a friend of mine! I have guy friends that I'm really close with, and have no desire to be anything but friends with. When I was still with my husband, I would never put myself in any type of situation where a guy could misunderstand me and think I wanted to do him. But now....

Carl01

So in a nutshell the feeling is that all guys are marauding animals looking only to have sex with every and any woman they meet and women don`t have any self respect or self control to not let that happen.

That is a little tongue in cheek with some hyperbole but is not far off from what many are saying.

Gender stereotypes as I have said before will never go away. :ohwell:

abbigail_r

Its not wrong if you both agree. I dont think your counselor should be playing sides. But your marriage should be more important than your friends, in my very own opinion. Marriage is a huge commitment and sometimes there are sacrafices to be made. I think the point maybe your counselor might be trying to make without saying it is it can sometimes be hazardous to the marriage simply because most women and men can not just be friends, even if it appears that way someone usually has feelings for the other....it happens. Ive seen this with my own eyes to about 6 marriages surrounding me. People make poor decisions. Your husband should come before the few men in your life that you keep in touch with. Its not about jealousy I think its about protecting whats his. He made a huge commitment not to take lightly, which so many ppl do.

Bikini27

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

Just because you have not done anything doesn't change his fears that you will eventually give into temptation. And this is a possible symptom of an insecurity of his. I was very insecure in my marriage and did not trust the women my then husband would hang out with. I did not trust him to make the right choice.

But *you* have to make the choice of bolstering your husband's confidence and making your commitment to him work or choosing yourself over it. Sounds harsh, but it seems as though you are choosing yourself and your happiness instead of your marriage and the happiness within that. And sometimes, your happiness is the only thing you can obtain and you walk away.

rherrin5

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

It seems pretty apparent that you want out. But no one on a message board hearing only your side of the story can possibly help you deal with this properly... Your issues in your marriage are obviously much deeper than this.

Very well said. It's one sided. If you love him and I mean truly love him you would respect his wishes. Plus, your seeking the advice of strangers This is your marriage your gambling with not a candy bar.

HMonsterX

Males tend to have this whole "do as I say not as I do" train of thought. It is ok for them to have friends of the opposite sex, but not ok for the wife to have friends of the opposite sex.

Wow thats a sweeping statement if ever i saw one!

Max, the fact that you feel you have to set those situations so you dont end up alone doesnt say much for your self control dude! Id feel totally comfortable in any company, alone or not, as i love my other half, and would never even want to do anything with anyone else!

Bikini27

I've been married a long time (25 years). I've had a lot of friends divorce in that time, and marriage has a lot of ups and downs. Fortunately, we've had more ups than downs.

You don't say whether your husband is extremely possessive at other times. Or, he might see something you don't. You may have crossed the friend line (or he feels you have). He might see that a certain guy has a thing for you.

In any case, if my husband asked me not to hang out or call certain people, I would have to take him seriously.Doesn't mean I would automatically do everything he says, but I would really spend a lot of my energy trying to see things from his point of view.

I personally am very aware of even the appearance of impropriety. I make sure I'm never in any situation where it could even seem a little bit like I'm trying to get inappropriate attention from another man. (By the way, my husband probably wouldn't notice anyway!)

It sounds like there's an issue of control, and it's being played out on this issue.

As Dr. Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? If you're only going to be happy doing what you want, then it's pretty clear you need to break up. You'll only make each other miserable.

This!

DeeJayTJ

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

rockerbabyy

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

its not just ONE friend - its a bunch of friends, some of which are married with children.

Dave198lbs

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

its not just ONE friend - its a bunch of friends, some of which are married with children.

so what are you saying? no group sex? thats a different topic

amysj303

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

rockerbabyy

so what are you saying? no group sex? thats a different topic

completely different topic though not one i would avoid....
<.<

Fit_Canuck

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If anything would drive a husband even crazier is the fact that your talking about your private lives on a Website for others to see. Call me old fashioned if you like but airing marital issues on MFP would be a problem in itself.

manderson27

So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.

Let's see....He stays home 24/7 and works on guns all day with chemicals in the house even knowing that I have breathing problems and he's a smoker and refuses to quit even though I had a pulmonary embolism 6 months ago and can't be around smoke. I invite him out everywhere I go and he always has a headache and never wants to go. I am out fo the house from 9am when I go to the gym until 5p.m. when I get finished running errands, working out, and finally come home to cook dinner. Never lied about who I was with. I am totally against lying about things like that because that is what causes trust issues. I will flat out tell him, Sarah, Zach, and Chloe are going to the bar and I'm meeting them there, then coming home...etc.... I always ask him if he wants to do anything before I ask my friends and he always has excuses why he doesn't like going out and being around "crowds" of people and can;t stand "noise". So sometimes I stay home with him, and other times, I go out if he has a headache and just wants to go to bed early. And oh yeah, I bought him his vehicle he drives now, put the down payment on our house, and was the one to suggest marriage counseling when we were filing for divorce. As far as I'm concerned, I am doing everything I can to keep him AND me happy. The fact that he still uses chemicals in the house and smokes around me makes me angry and yes, I vent, but with all those faults, I was still trying to work through it.

Here is an example of why he is mad at me today:

I post a photo of me on facebook. It is the same one as my profile pic. My before and after.
I get 18 comments from friends. about half were from guys. Single, married, gay...the whole enchilada.
Here were some of the comments: "Good Job"," Looking Good", "I Dig It", "Proud of you!"
He was mad that I have males as friends on facebook! None of the ones who commented even live in our state. Some are old collegues, some are my siblings friends, some are my old friends...it doesn't matter. He does not want me to talk to boys!

Oh boy.....
I now see more of the real picture.
In a nutshell, your marriage is over.
It's time for you to just move on with your life.
Your husband knows with you losing weight, it's just a matter of time. And you know it as well.

Yep, this marriage is DONE. No offense; you posted all this dirty laundry here, and that is what I see.
It'll hurt for a season, and then all will be well once you're with somebody else more compatible.
That is just life sometimes.

Again, best of luck to you.

This

MerBear30

Did him not wanting you to talk to old guy friends start before or after you lost weight? Might just be his own insecurities about you being thin and healthy, and probably more strong and confident about yourself. Might not be about the guys at all ... just saying.

Dave198lbs

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.

these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.

grimmaster1983

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If anything would drive a husband even crazier is the fact that your talking about your private lives on a Website for others to see. Call me old fashioned if you like but airing marital issues on MFP would be a problem in itself.

!!!!!!!!THIS!!!!!!!

LorinaLynn

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.

these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.

Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.

But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.

I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.

A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.