Is it wrong?
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exactly! a lot of people start acting jealous and insecure about their spouses when they feel guilty...Six years? How long has this been a problem?
If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.
When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.
The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...
It started earlier this month, the same time he started going to Houston for his gun shows.
Where is the smiley of a guy waving a GIGANTIC RED FLAG
not saying hes cheating on you but.... it would definitely make me wonder if i were in your shoes.0 -
Is he Hispanic??????
I am puertorrican so is my husband, I can ask the question, lol
lol. No he's not. He was a soldier in the army. He got back from deployment and was never the same. We work through everything and we both give and take, but this was one thing I was shocked by. As soon as he got out of the army and started staying home, he stopped going out with us, stopped talking to his buddies, he is living in this shell and doesn't want to come out of it. I have been trying to better myself with exercise and getting healthy after my injuries thinking if he saw me being motivated then he would, but it didn't happen. We never had a perfect marriage, but were always good close friends throughout our marriage and could talk about anything. We didn't care if it would hurt the others feelings because we were open and honest. He told me when my clothes were getting too tight from my weight gain and I told him he needs to learn how to throw his leftover soda cans in the trash. We both have our faults and our features. But this was just so weird to me that he has been shutting everyone out even me. And now, this boy thing? I really am starting to wonder if it is even the boy thing. I think he has deeper issues and he is taking it out on me with his insecurities. I had some of my guy friends at our recommitment ceremony and he was happy they were there, but now all of a sudden he wants us to cut contact? It's like he pulled the rug out from under me! I almsot feel like he doesn't want me to be happy and gets jelous that I am. The only time I see him happy is when he works on his guns and that is why I was happy when he asked to go to Houston for his gun shows. Even though it puts more pressure on me to run home to take care of the pets, and then run back to practice, go to the gym, get groceries on my own with my bad back, etc...I still wanted him to be happy even though it stresses me out to be here without help. I feel like our lives are separating and yet we are both in denial. He wants to move into the woods on 20 acres so he can hunt....I want to live in the city and go back to school for dental hygiene and be in a town where you can walk around and go to comedy clubs, and meet new people! I love making friends and being social! My favorite memories are playing board games with friends, or all just hanging out at someones house being silly. He just doesn't have fun doing those things anymore and it's like he's trying to take control of a situation he can't help right now.
Who needs therapy...I have MFP.
It is good to hear different sides and opinions. Even though I am stuck on my own right now, hearing other's thoughts can always help me think more about his side and what he may be thinking. Sometimes it can change my views and sometimes not....right now, I am just biting my nails until he gets home so we can figure this thing out because I don't want to get rid of all male friends just because they're male. I don't hang out with people that encourage cheating and slander so that's why I feel totally comfortable hanging out with them. I know them, and we are all comfortable with each other and don't have any feelings towards another or anything. In fact, I like asking them for advice about how to communicate with him when he closes off because sometimes I act like a "girl" and tell him to talk to me and he gets mad because he doesn't want to talk and having that guy friend say "give him some space and let him know you are there when he's ready to talk" is so helpful in those situations.
Someone on here mentioned why I don't have his photos on my profile pics....he doesn't want his photo on the internet and he doesn't have a facebook account because he likes being "hard to find". It's because it's his preference, not mine.0 -
I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.
This just sounds wrong to me. Sorry. When I got married, and even before I was married to my husband, we both agreed that it was just easier and better for everyone if we didn't have friends of the opposite sex, unless they were married. Even then, it's iffy. Your marriage should always come first... always.
God thats super lame. I find most women are so annoying, I have always gotten along better with guys, yet I have never slept with a male friend or dated one, or even thought about it. If you can't trust your husband/wife around the opposite sex that is very sad. Trust is everything. I am a stripper-exotic dancer whatever you wanna call it and while my husband doesn't 'like' it he RESPECTS my decision to do what I want and trusts me, he has never once questioned me about work. I like my job, I make great money and work 2-3 nights a week. If you want to keep your friends KEEP THEM. Don't let someone tell you how to live your life, Husband or not. The way some women talk on here you would think they work for their Husband & he is their mean boss. Don't get me wrong if my husband has a concern or a disagreement with me, I respect him and listen if he makes valid points but I would never change something in my life that I enjoy (friends!) over someone's insecurities and stupid jealously! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being told who you can and can't be friends with?
It may be lame to you, but it's not to me. It's mostly my insecurities anyway, not his. I asked him long before he ever asked me to stop hanging out with girls. Not that he ever really did that much anyway, but it bothered me, and that was enough of a reason for him to stop doing it. It is a completely different thing to talk it out with your spouse and come to a compromise that makes both parties happy than to give them an ultimatum and expect them to do what you want just because you want it. Some people have insecurities and jealousy issues for reasons they can't help...0 -
with what you recently wrote, perhaps he is suffering of depression - withdrawing from everything but still trying to take possession and control of what is "HIS" (which includes you) are strong signs.
Since my brother came back from being deployed, he hasn't been the same. He has locked himself in a bubble of his own, all he does is play war video games. Only has online friends, does not like going out of the house at all <--- one of the reasons is he suffers of panic attacks.
I think you might be right, this might be a deeper issue. Is he doing any type of counseling on his own?0 -
On a different note, I would suggest, since you are so riled up on the issue right now you don't try to discuss yet. Gather your thoughts, make a mental approach plan, and then talk.
One of the biggest mistakes we make in our marriage is that we want to discuss, fix, and get over with immediately. It is better to stop, breath, think, and then react. <-- just my advise0 -
I personally wouldn't do it. Knowing my husband, thats not something he'd be happy about. If it's not a guy that we are BOTH friends with, then there's no need for me to be talking to them.
Now since your husband clearly doesn't like it, why not compromise? Do you love your husband or not? Does his feelings matter to you?0 -
Honestly it boils down to the type of relationship you have, trust, and your willingness to make your marriage work. My fiance and me have an open trusting relationship. He has girls that are friends and I have guys. I text an old friend from school a couple times a week. If he wanted to (he doesn't) I would let him read every one. No flirting. But we do not hang out with the opposite sex alone only in groups. But I love him and if he was uncomfortable with me texting or messgaing someone I would sacrafice that friendship for the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It boils down to which is more important. If u are willing to end it over old chums then maybe you should look into why this is so important toi u? Is it a pride thing? Are u fighting for control. I don't think its as cut and dry as ur post suggests. No relationship is. Make a list of pros and cons. If it boils down to you don't like being told what to do then ask yourself if you are willing to compromise on that for the sake of love and your marriage. If not that's ok and maybe its time to move on. Sometimes ppl don't fit and grow apart. But its helpful to take a close look at why you are making the decisions you are making so you can have a clear view on the relationship and where it is prioritized in your life.0
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It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
Agree!
It's not just about the friends. It's about something that makes your husband uncomfortable and that he has asked you not to do - and you choosing to do it regardless. I'm not saying you should just blindly follow what your husband says but there should be communication and you should be able to come to an agreement about any situation.
Agreed0 -
I think what it should come down to is that it bothers your husband. Nothing else should matter. It's selfish to continue doing something that makes your partner feel unhappy or insecure. Maybe you could hang out with those friends AND yours husband at the same time...or not at all.0
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I'd never, ever let a romantic partner cut me off from my friends (be they guys or girls, no matter).
I think the counsellor is a fool. Draw up your pros and cons of staying with your current partner, if you want to fight to keep the relationship, he has to come to the table too, deal with his insecurity and jealousy.
Good luck
PS To say that guys and girls can't ever be friends is ridiculous (and mildly insulting) blanket statement, there are always exceptions from the rule, not every one is driven by sex 24 7.
PPS In my experience, finding new friends is Not as easy as you make it sound.
Funny - I was thinking the exact opposite. I would never, ever let a friend come between me and my husband.0 -
It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
if you were truely invested in the marriage you would do anything to make the other person happy. It sounds like you dont care what your husband thinks and just want to do what you want, that is not a marriage.0 -
with what you recently wrote, perhaps he is suffering of depression - withdrawing from everything but still trying to take possession and control of what is "HIS" (which includes you) are strong signs.
Since my brother came back from being deployed, he hasn't been the same. He has locked himself in a bubble of his own, all he does is play war video games. Only has online friends, does not like going out of the house at all <--- one of the reasons is he suffers of panic attacks.
I think you might be right, this might be a deeper issue. Is he doing any type of counseling on his own?
OMG! Other then working on guns all day, he play CALL OF DUTY non-stop!!!!0 -
Um, if he is actively hanging out with single girl friends, and going out of town to hang out with friends, but then says it's wrong for you to do the same thing - even to the point of being upset because you're on a coed softball team - then you have a lot more to worry about than the jealousy, my dear. Speaking from experience, the guys I dated who protested the loudest against my guy friends were always the ones who were more than friends with their girl-friends. :-/0
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^^^^^^like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way
THIS!
^^^Yep this. Sorry0 -
I think trust is the issue.I was married for many years and trusted my wife to have male friends and I had female friends,no big deal.If you really love one another trust should be simple.
This. I have been married for 4 yrs and still have guy friends that I hang out with. I would understand his position on this if they were ex boyfriends, FWB, etc. But if they are nothing more than friends...well...he's eing absurd and over reacting. Maybe he has thought about cheating and doesnt want you to do the same.
Have you asked him to go and hang out with all of you? Have you asked him to join the softball team with you? I would discuss it. If he has a valid point, which I dont see where he does...than that is his problem. His telling you who you can and cannot be friends with is just a means of control.
As for your counselor...I would seek another counselor. Do not find one on your own...but together. Do your first meeting and first few sessions as a couple. You may both also want to go to seperate sessions. If you truely want to try to make it work.
I wish you all the best and hope you make the final decision that is best for you and your husband.0 -
I mostly don't understand why you bothered posting this.. You stated very clearly that you are set in your ways and arent going to budge, even for your husband. so why bother asking us? Seems kind of pointless to me is all0
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Ok I hadn't seen ur other comment when I made my post. I stil belive that but id does sound like ptsd from an outsiders opinion. Does he go to therapy alone too? That may help. I wish you the best and hope it works out but I've seen guys come back from war and it changes who they are. Sometimes its hard to understand. But it still boils down to willingsness to compromise. Obviosuly he is going through some things. Can u try to support this until he gets some therapy and you continue to work on ur relationship? Not cut out ur friends but say ok I will not talk to them until we resolve our issues? Just an idea! Good luck!0
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Six years? How long has this been a problem?
If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.
When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.
The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...
It started earlier this month, the same time he started going to Houston for his gun shows.
Where is the smiley of a guy waving a GIGANTIC RED FLAG
^^^ Yup.0 -
On a different note, I would suggest, since you are so riled up on the issue right now you don't try to discuss yet. Gather your thoughts, make a mental approach plan, and then talk.
One of the biggest mistakes we make in our marriage is that we want to discuss, fix, and get over with immediately. It is better to stop, breath, think, and then react. <-- just my advise
Thank You. This actually makes a lot of sense. I was really worked up about it because it shocked me and he never had issues before and all of a sudden he pulls the rug out from under me! I want to know why he has this issue, and why it bugs him now and not before. I don't want him to be unhappy, but by me not having any of my friends doesn't seem fair either. My one friend who's a guy comes over with his wife and 2 children and my husband will talk for a few minutes then go outside or in the office to work on his gun stuff. He avoids people when I have them over, and he never wants to go out. I am a social butterfly and If I give up my friends just to make him happy, then I'm gonna be miserable because he won't go out with me and do the things I like to do like go out for dinner, go to a movie, go to the park and play catch, etc.... He wants me to change everything in a day, and I don't understand why he would want to make me so unhappy. It's gonna be a long discussion and I am so curious to find out why he wants this all of a sudden.
I will let you all know after our talk where this is coming from and what he is feeling about it if you are curious. I just needed to vent AND I needed some third party perspective and I got all sorts of poinions on here and it has helped me very much. I obvisouly can't share our life story in a message board and can't go into lots of details, but this is unusual for him and it is out of character to demand that I do something like this without discussing it first and asking about feelings and such. So it hurt a lot and makes me feel angry that he would say this to me and think it wouldn't hurt my feelings and not give me time to prepare emotionally. I will never stop communicating with my friends. I may meet him in the middle where I don't go out in a group if a guy he doesn't like in with the group, or stop having friends over to the house, but I could never shut them all out on facebook. I mean I have friends from high school on there telling me about how thier children are doing in school, and for him to be upset about it seems really childish to me. I am willing to communicate and meet in the middle, but I am not going to just give him what he wants and then shut MYSELF out like he has been doing. I don't want to lose touch with my friends who have been supporting me my whole life with family issues, weight problems, etc.....Marriage is a strong bond, but a marriage is fun when you both "get" each other and communicate and respect one another. I don't keep secrets from him and I talk to him about funny things people said on facebook, or that my friend's getting married in a few months, etc... Those are the moments we live for. These are the things that make me feel fulfilled and him not having these moments and social circles may not matter to him, but it matters a lot to me and my happiness. I feel like if he cares about my feelings, he would exlain what's going on and talk to me about it and not be demanding and controlling. I want to know why he feels this way. I am not going to change my life and lose contact because he woke up yesterday and decided I am not allowed to talk to boys. I guess I'm gonna have a hard time finding a job that is all female!0 -
Not just picking on you here but on everyone who has said something similar. I'd agree IF this had been an issue from the start. It hasn't. they've been married 6 years and I'm assuming they didn't get married within a week of meeting so we are talking the better part of a decade at least that he had no issue with it. Now he does. It's not about her refusing to change to please him. It's about his change of attitude and demanding she stop doing things he was fine with before. To all of those who say "You obviously don't care about your marriage since you won't stop doing something your husband wants you to." what about the flip side? Would you say he doesn't care about his marriage since he wants her to stop doing something she wants to do and has been doing for at least 6 years? What if your husband suddenly decided he didn't like your family and demanded you cut ties with them. Would you? No reason behind it, just as Chubby's husband doesn't have any legitimate reason.It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
if you were truely invested in the marriage you would do anything to make the other person happy. It sounds like you dont care what your husband thinks and just want to do what you want, that is not a marriage.
I've been married almost 19 years, together 22 years. I have guy friends. Always have. Hubby has female friends. Always has. Short of an affair I cannot think of any legitimate reason for either of us to tell the other they need to cut ties with their opposite sex friends.
CB, I hate to bring this up but do you think your husband might have cheated on you? Suddenly going from having no problem with you having male friends to it being s bothersome that he is upset about a co-ed sports team sends up huge red flags to me. IMO it sounds like he cheated and now feels that since you hang with some guys that you could be cheating as well. Closing yourself into a bubble is common after deployments. (My husband spent 14 months in Iraq, 18 months in Kuwait, and recently got back from 9 months in Afghanistan so I completely understand all of that.) But wanting your spouse to cut ties with opposite sex frineds isn't something I've ever heard of being a symptom of PTSD unless that person was cheating while they were deployed.
I really hope I'm wrong about that. But you are not the one at fault here. You aren't the one who changed. You aren't the one demanding your spouse change something you didn't have a problem with for years.0
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