Is it wrong?
Replies
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I think you should change marraige councellor. This one obviously is as open-minded as a teaspoon.0
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Like others have said, relationships are all about trust. If you don't have that the relationship will fail.
99% of my friends are female but my partner trusts me and I trust her with her male friends so it isn't a problem.0 -
Clearly he has recently-developed issues, it may be that it's not your marriage that needs counselling, it's your husband. Or it may be that something has happened to make him think in terms of friends of the opposite sex becoming sexual partners - perhaps if he's not having an affair himself, he's just learned of someone else who has?He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team?
That must be so hard for you, it's important not to feel isolated especially when you're getting so little fun in your day to day married life. Have you tried calmly explaining that to him?I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
Yes there are "dangers" in some women having male friends, but personally as someone who has very little in common with the majority of women I meet, I have always had a lot of male friends and never viewed them as potential lovers, nor does my partner who is currently working 3,000 miles away.
Him wanting you to remove male friends from facebook (especially friends from out of state when you never leave home!) isn't a problem, it's a symptom.
Good luck getting this sorted, it sounds as if you do want to try and make this work, I hope that letting off some steam on here has helped.
EDITED TO ADD: As for him never going out, never wanting to see anyone, until I heard about his suddenly choosing to go away to gun shows for the weekend, it sounded as if he was suffering from depression. Depressed people don't suddenly start going away like that when they've not been in the habit of doing it before, there's else something going on here.
My guess is that either he's going away to enjoy someone else's company, and all the stuff about jealousy is a smokescreen, or he's had enough of the stresses of the relationship and can't stand being around you any longer and gets away just to avoid having to be in the same house as you.
Try and discuss this with him, be firm and keep the conversation on track, don't let him use his usual strategies to turn it into an argument.0 -
Six years? How long has this been a problem?
If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.
When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.
The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...
It started earlier this month, the same time he started going to Houston for his gun shows.
That sounds fishy. Maybe he's the one hiding something ... that's how this stuff usually works, no? But what do I know, I'm not married :flowerforyou:0 -
It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
Agreed. If it is an issue for your husband, whether or not you think it should be, you need to treat it as such. If you want to save your marriage (as your seeing a counselor suggests), I think you need to take this a little more seriously. If you told him something made you uncomfortable, would you want him to respond with "oh well, too bad!" ? You married this person, which means what he thinks and says carries much more weight than what anyone else thinks or says. Your vow to honor him requires that you not treat this so lightly.
At the same time - he married her. She had these friends when he did that - yet he did so anyway. Now he wants her to change... I think what needs to be addressed is whatever his issues are that make him feel so insecure now. Marrying someone doesn't suddenly give you the right to demand changes that you didn't have a problem with before. Honoring is not the equivalent of obeying - I had obeying struck from our vows. He isn't honoring who she is or her wants/feelings either. I think the root of the problem isn't going to be solved simply by ditching her male friends.
Not being "allowed" to play on a co-ed softball team? Getting angry that even married male friends, husbands of her friends, comment on FB? Hello control & insecurity issues....0 -
right on0
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One of the first things I told my boyfriend 3 years ago, was that my I have four best friends, and two of them were guys. He never had a problem with it then and still doesn't. These guys and I have never had a relationship nor or we even attracted to each other in any way. I treat them as I would any friends.
Why does having guy friends have to be different than girl friends. I don't find jealousy and distrust very attractive, and just because you are friends with a guy does not mean you are bonking him.
If you are in counseling, then there are probably more issues than just this one, and maybe you should rethink your marriage. I'm all for trying to make your husband happy, but not at the expense of your freedom. Can you choose his friends? No. And he can't choose yours. Sure, making each other happy in a relationship is important, but so is TRUST. If he can't trust you to have guy friends, what else doesn't he trust?
EDIT: I've seen some of your other posts about your husband now and I really think he is the one that needs the counselor. Not just a marriage counselor either. If he has all of these issues and wants to keep your marriage going, then he has to make an effort to get help too. He needs to work out his own problems with a therapist, and you can get counseling together with the marriage counselor. I really do believe that trust is number one, so I still stand that you should be able to have guy friends, but if you can take more time out for him and to get help for him, then maybe it will get better. If not, and he doesn't want help, and he doesn't want to help you, then maybe it just isn't meant to be anymore.0 -
Your husband and his needs should come before your friends needs. He will be the one that you are going to be with for the rest of your life... He should be your guy friend...your best friend. The fact that he is uncomfortable with you hanging out with guys but you are going to continue to do so is a red flag. This might cause a rift in your relationship since your husband will feel like he is being overlooked and that you are choosing your guy friensd over him.
If you really can't let go of your guy friends though, then maybe consider inviting your husband a long with you. I don't see why your husband can't hang out with you and your guy friends? Maybe he would feel more comfortable once he realizes how innocent the relationship is...0 -
I want to know what qualifications that marriage counsiler has to say you shouldn't have male friends because that's aweful advice in any country where women have rights. I'm sorry, but a marriage counsilor should be exploring the actual issue, why is he insecure and what can you do to keep your identity and ease those insecurities of his? Not seeing male friends doesn't resolve anything, it's like wearing jeans that are too small so they rip, then putting a patch over it and expecting it to be fixed. You're still too large for those jeans, they're going to rip again. In your case, his insecurities are still there, they're just going to find something else to latch onto.
Having firneds that are both male and female is healthy. It's balanced. Don't give up on your friends because your other half is insecure, find out why he feels insecure and work on that because if you had male friends when you met and he married you, I can gurantee you that male friends aren't the actual cause, they're just the outlet for his feelings and if you get rid of them, the next step will be any guy you talk to socially (ie janes brother called around to pick up his bike) and then it will be any guy you talk to at work (ie co-workers, your boss even), then any guy you look at, then any guy who looks at you. Nip it in the bud, find the root and fix that.0 -
Having firneds that are both male and female is healthy. It's balanced. Don't give up on your friends because your other half is insecure, find out why he feels insecure and work on that because if you had male friends when you met and he married you, I can gurantee you that male friends aren't the actual cause, they're just the outlet for his feelings and if you get rid of them, the next step will be any guy you talk to socially (ie janes brother called around to pick up his bike) and then it will be any guy you talk to at work (ie co-workers, your boss even), then any guy you look at, then any guy who looks at you. Nip it in the bud, find the root and fix that.
This^^^^ and find a new counselor who's willing to help.0 -
ask yourself why you feel the need to keep in touch with single guy friends that no longer live near you, and why you have some loyalty to keeping those relationships alive. Sure, a hi now and then, but to actively engage on a regular basis seems odd to me.
So...you would just ditch all your friends the minute you got married? What if the OP is truly *friends* with these people? Does she not have the right to keep in contact with those friends and not be controlled by her husband's jelousy?
OP, I see your point. If there really isn't anything else going on, I don't see why you should have to give in to your husband's baseless insecurities. That said, he obviously *is* insecure, whatever the reason. Couldn't he join you on nights out? Would it not be nice to socialise together...it might even help out your relationship to just have fun together. If nothing else, you need to sit him down and ask him why he doesn't like your friends, and if it's no more than he doesn't trust you then you need to work out what to do about it. There's a lot of give and take and it shouldn't be all one who does the giving and all the other who does the taking. If you give up your friends to soothe him you'll probably only find that you hate him for it and end up losing him as well as them.0 -
I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.
What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!
I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?
If you've already made up your mind, why ask "Is it wrong?" What you really want is to tally up the yes and no votes and see if you get a consensus. Your problem is not that want to keep in contact with old friends. Your problem is that you have no repect for your husband.
Marriage is about respect.
I don't a problem with my wife keeping in touch with old friends, but that comes from respect, love and trust. Sounds to me like your spouse doesn't trust you. Are you trustworthy?0 -
If you are go thro dangerous times, why put yourself in the centre of temptation?
I agree...although your intentions are "innocent" but this has dangerous written all over it. A day is going to come and your husband is going to piss you off and your going to happy hour pissed and there goes your good ole guy buddy <incert name> and after a few drinks and he is telling you how wrong your husband is and how he would never treat you like that...and oh btw he let's you know he has always found you attractive..................next thing you know your in the hotel room or in the parking lot making out! Since you asked for our opinion i say put your husband 1st before anyone....trust me when i tell you there is no reason for a married woman to be sitting having drinks with a single man w/o her husband being there...since it bothers him, respect him on this one.0 -
I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.
What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!
I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?
First off if your not willing to be flexable within your marriage and "stick to your guns" than I can see further issues that you two may have.
Second off I think that for the most part men and women can not be friends. Now I do have two friends who are male, but both of them would drop trou if I asked. They are good guys, but whenever I am with someone I cut back on seeing them.
I dont think jealousy has anything to do it with it, but humans are not Monogamous creatures, so it would be like putting a cake in front of a fat kid, yeah he might not eat it but it could be tempting.
I think its disrespectful, for me I would not like if my husband had more girlfriends than guy friends. Maybe a select few, but that would be hard.0 -
Maybe your husband is insecure becasue you have lost weight and have gained some confidence....maybe he's worried that your guy friends will look at you differently. IDK, just a thought....0
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bump0
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Haven't read the whole thing, but I have four older brothers. I've always been a tomboy and gotten along great with guys. I like guy things... power tools and weapons and geeky sci-fi and fantasy stuff. I look at men as peers, not as possible future romantic partners. It takes a LOT more than just a handful of common interests for me to fall for a guy. I need mutual attraction, chemistry, compatibility, respect... having a mutual love of Gimli or Boba Fett isn't going to make me fall into bed with a guy.
I'm actually surprised at how many people on here don't think men and women can be just friends. That's really sad. Having been friends with guys my whole life makes me a much better wife and partner. Likewise, I love that my husband has always had lots of female friends. We have both benefited from having a glimpse at perspectives from the opposite gender.
Respect and trust are important. I wouldn't want to be married to a guy who didn't trust and respect me enough to believe I could be tempted by anything with a penis. He should understand that I wouldn't be friends with a guy who didn't respect me and my relationship. I wouldn't be friends with a guy who viewed me as a potential conquest.0 -
The word 'platonic' doesn't exist in a man's vocabulary. That's enough reason not to choose your male friends over the hubs. Just my $0.02.0
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I honestly think the way you do. Your husband should trust you enough to allow you to have guy friends. It's not like you have gone out of your way to make NEW guy friends, they're ones you've had for a while. Maybe you should discuss with him why he has these insecurities and assure him there is no reason for the mistrust. Good luck.0
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#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents0 -
#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents
So because other people have done it, it means she's going to too?0 -
If it bothered my husband that much, as much I wouldn't like it, I would put my marriage first. Me personally, I would not be comfortable having a lot of guy friends if I were married anyway. I just don't feel like it is very appropriate. I believe marriage is about give and take, and compromise, even if that means certain people have to leave the picture. I don't think you are looking for advice on your certain situation so I won't offer any, but I do hope that things can be worked out between you and your husband, and that the two of you can reach some kind of agreement that leaves both of you happy.0
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#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents
If someone is going to cheat - they are going to cheat regardless of the friends they have. You can't isolate your spouse from the opposite sex for fear they may cheat. That's not trust. I don't believe marriage actually exists without trust. You can call it that if you want... maybe with a new counselor and some work on BOTH parts they can get there.
She is not hanging out in bars w/men, She said she was hanging with girlfriends and a couple of guys hang with their group - so a group of friends. She said her husband doesn't want her on a co-ed softball team. He's pissed her friends husbands comment on FB. Red flags...0 -
#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents
So because other people have done it, it means she's going to too?
No but this just shows how many people end up having sex with their friends...
My advice is to stay away from temptations and rather spend the extra energy on your significant other.0 -
I think that your husand comes first....if it bothers him...dont do it. Your marriage should always come first.0
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It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
^^ this0 -
Sounds like you'd rather not be married. Your husband feels uncomfortable for some reason. You may not think you are doing anything wrong, but your preference for these other friends is getting in the way of your marriage. You truly do need to make a choice and it sounds like you are choosing your friends.0
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Can you include your husband in on the Softball Team? My husband and I each have girl and guy friends. But he knows that he is my BEST FRIEND! There really isn't much that we don't do together.0
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I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
He's insecure because he thinks he is losing you because of the strife you are going thro. You standing around with team of fit men will not inspire confidence. The same would be rolls reversed.
Lets face it, when things go wrong and you argue you'll want a shoulder to cry on. Some men are sharks and will be that shoulder and look for something more from it.
Course they'll never admit it.
The shark thing-exactly! Hang out w/other couples. It's a respect thing.0 -
I'm actually quite surprised by the majority of you. Oh no, don't have male friends, it's not right, you're going to cheat. Geesh people, you must have some really insecure significant others if you're willing to just give up friends because you got married. So sad.0
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