Is it wrong?

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  • cjpg
    cjpg Posts: 433 Member
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    After six years I think he should come to terms with it. If he's reacting negatively to it NOW then he's a bit slow in my opinion.
  • lynnmarie60
    lynnmarie60 Posts: 325
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    find a new counelor because no counselor worth a cent would say that; however they would say perhaps that if the relationship of a particular male friend offends your husband you should do everything possible not to make your husband feel that way because your marriage comes first.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
    No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

    Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
    It's just not appropriate.
    We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
    Good luck with everything.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way
    ^^^^^^
    THIS!
  • Noki1024
    Noki1024 Posts: 302
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    I didn't read that your guy friends were single like some posters are assuming. If that is the case then, yes, a once in a while phone call or email seems harmless as long as your husband is aware. If your guy friends are attached with girlfriends/wives than why not make it a couples outing?

    This statement implies they are single. "...once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage."
    I have male friends that aren't married but are attached to someone thus not making them single.
  • onefourone
    onefourone Posts: 212
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    You have to have friends and it should not matter on the sex of that friend. I find that having female friends gives me the chance to say what did i do wrong or what should i say and get an answer with out a fight or even better to avoid a fight. Its like having the other teams play book it really helps. I think your decision is made and good luck.
  • livinginwoods
    livinginwoods Posts: 562 Member
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    Well you already after 6 years almost got divorced, in counseling, and refuse to try and change or do what you husband asks? The question perhaps is not about him but about you and what you want. It takes two. Marriage is not easy it is a lot of hard work and COMPROMISE and sometimes doing things you don't want to do to stay together. You can always find new friends. Is he worth throwing away for your old friends so far away? Do some soul searching perhaps instead of relying on strangers opinions such a serious topic.
  • 1a1a
    1a1a Posts: 761 Member
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    I'd never, ever let a romantic partner cut me off from my friends (be they guys or girls, no matter).

    I think the counsellor is a fool. Draw up your pros and cons of staying with your current partner, if you want to fight to keep the relationship, he has to come to the table too, deal with his insecurity and jealousy.

    Good luck

    PS To say that guys and girls can't ever be friends is ridiculous (and mildly insulting) blanket statement, there are always exceptions from the rule, not every one is driven by sex 24 7.

    PPS In my experience, finding new friends is Not as easy as you make it sound.
  • beautyreaps
    beautyreaps Posts: 151
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    like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way
    ^^^^^^
    THIS!

    YES THIS!
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

    I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

    We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

    OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    Perhaps you should discuss with your husband what specifically he finds so bothersome about you being around other men. The guy friends is one thing (although I personally don't see what the issue is with this--you should be able to have friends, of either sex), but a coed soft-ball team? Really? He honestly has a problem with you playing an organized, group sport, on a team that includes men? This sounds like serious trust/jealousy issues to me. I also think a new therapist might be in order. If it honestly bothers your husband when you're around men socially, he and/or the two of you should work on that issue, but you shouldn't have to restrict your life/behavior that much to please your partner.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
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    It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
    No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

    Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
    It's just not appropriate.
    We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
    Good luck with everything.

    Lol, I for one fully agree with this.

    Being married you are a partner for life (in best intentions) and part of this commitment is keeping each other happy. Men want respect (this is NOT subordination) and you are disregarding him and blowing him off for other guys which upsets him. This bugs you and basically you aren't willing to compromise at all in your relationship but want him to shut up and deal with it. You even would rather him do the same and have some girls that he hangs out with to justify your decisions. This is not a healthy functioning marriage and it sounds like with the comment, "I'm not going to put my marriage before my guy friends," is basically translated as "My way, or the highway." If you don't want to compromise, and if he doesn't as well, you should just walk away because after 6+ years it is very unlikely to magically disappear in the relationship.

    I personally am in a happy marriage because I do not put friends before my husband and neither does my spouse. If we did then what was the point in getting married anyways? It doesn't magically make your relationship any better or have a happily ever after guarantee. No, in fact it actually is the beginning of a journey that takes effort and commitment and love on each others part to make it work. If you truly love your husband you would dump the guy friends and start putting him on your priorities before your marriage goes down the drain. And if your counselor is not one that you are compatible with then take your hard earned money somewhere else to someone who can talk to you both.
  • karin_s
    karin_s Posts: 11
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    This makes it really simple: Do you tell your guy friends things you do not talk to your husband about? If so, that is an emotional affair and it is wrong. If the answer is that I talk to them but have a deep intimate level that I can speak with my husband about anything then you are okay.
    We went to counseling over the very same thing and the counselor said when you talk with friends of the opposite sex it should ALWAYS be a conversation you would not mind a spouse being a part of. I hope this helps and it made it clear for me.
  • LeanMeanFitnessMachine
    LeanMeanFitnessMachine Posts: 659
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    Its the fact that you're giving priority to your old guy friends over him AND your marraige that makes him not trust you. It probably makes him feel like his companionship and commitment means nothing to you. And to be honest - it kind of seems that way. Whether or not having coed friends should or should not matter is irrelevant - if it makes your husband uncomfortable and puts your entire marraige in jeopardy then it is a problem.

    If you refuse to change your ways for the sake of your husband, then you don't love him enough to never want to lose him. And you will lose him if things don't change. Thats just the cold, hard truth - whether you want to admit it or not.
  • Fourmenandalady28
    Fourmenandalady28 Posts: 87
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    I think that when you get married your husband or wife shouldn't ostrasize you and they should add to you not take away from you or make you make "decisions" based on their insecurities.
  • Beezil
    Beezil Posts: 1,677 Member
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    I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.

    This just sounds wrong to me. Sorry. When I got married, and even before I was married to my husband, we both agreed that it was just easier and better for everyone if we didn't have friends of the opposite sex, unless they were married. Even then, it's iffy. Your marriage should always come first... always.
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    I'd never, ever let a romantic partner cut me off from my friends (be they guys or girls, no matter).

    I think the counsellor is a fool. Draw up your pros and cons of staying with your current partner, if you want to fight to keep the relationship, he has to come to the table too, deal with his insecurity and jealousy.

    Good luck

    PS To say that guys and girls can't ever be friends is ridiculous (and mildly insulting) blanket statement, there are always exceptions from the rule, not every one is driven by sex 24 7.

    PPS In my experience, finding new friends is Not as easy as you make it sound.
    ^this!
    i have male friends, my husband has female friends. there are no issues.. we've been married for 6 years and never once have either of us cheated or crossed the line with friends (some are single, some not).
    if you dont trust the person you married, you shouldnt be with them. i agree with some that there should be compromise and understanding, but if hes even unwilling to "let" you be on a coed team - there are bigger issues than compromise.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
    No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

    Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
    It's just not appropriate.
    We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
    Good luck with everything.


    ^^ This^^
    I've been married for 28 years too and completely agree that it's just not appropriate.
  • frugalmomsrock
    frugalmomsrock Posts: 1,123
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    You should read some Dr. Harley. He has a theory of a "love bank." This is an account with everyone you know-male and female. When your husband makes you upset, you withdrawal love units. When things are good, you deposit them. However, you also deposit love units (sometimes unwittingly) into other men's "accounts." When you are having tough times with your DH and good times with your "friends," sometimes their accounts end up bigger than you're DH's account... this is when affairs tend to happen.

    no. It's best if you do NOT have individual male friends. Mutual friends (that are his chums also) are AOK. Same for him-he shouldn't have his own female friends-only mutual friends. It just isn't appropriate, IMO, and opens the door for affairs.


    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html
  • Silverkittycat
    Silverkittycat Posts: 1,997 Member
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    I think you've made your decision.

    That's all I said because I'm not interested in whether her male friends are single or not, and so on. I based it on the fact that no mention of a husband was made in her profile. No pics of him.

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