Is it wrong?

Bentley2718

Perhaps you should discuss with your husband what specifically he finds so bothersome about you being around other men. The guy friends is one thing (although I personally don't see what the issue is with this--you should be able to have friends, of either sex), but a coed soft-ball team? Really? He honestly has a problem with you playing an organized, group sport, on a team that includes men? This sounds like serious trust/jealousy issues to me. I also think a new therapist might be in order. If it honestly bothers your husband when you're around men socially, he and/or the two of you should work on that issue, but you shouldn't have to restrict your life/behavior that much to please your partner.

Ocarina

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
It's just not appropriate.
We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
Good luck with everything.

Lol, I for one fully agree with this.

Being married you are a partner for life (in best intentions) and part of this commitment is keeping each other happy. Men want respect (this is NOT subordination) and you are disregarding him and blowing him off for other guys which upsets him. This bugs you and basically you aren't willing to compromise at all in your relationship but want him to shut up and deal with it. You even would rather him do the same and have some girls that he hangs out with to justify your decisions. This is not a healthy functioning marriage and it sounds like with the comment, "I'm not going to put my marriage before my guy friends," is basically translated as "My way, or the highway." If you don't want to compromise, and if he doesn't as well, you should just walk away because after 6+ years it is very unlikely to magically disappear in the relationship.

I personally am in a happy marriage because I do not put friends before my husband and neither does my spouse. If we did then what was the point in getting married anyways? It doesn't magically make your relationship any better or have a happily ever after guarantee. No, in fact it actually is the beginning of a journey that takes effort and commitment and love on each others part to make it work. If you truly love your husband you would dump the guy friends and start putting him on your priorities before your marriage goes down the drain. And if your counselor is not one that you are compatible with then take your hard earned money somewhere else to someone who can talk to you both.

karin_s

This makes it really simple: Do you tell your guy friends things you do not talk to your husband about? If so, that is an emotional affair and it is wrong. If the answer is that I talk to them but have a deep intimate level that I can speak with my husband about anything then you are okay.
We went to counseling over the very same thing and the counselor said when you talk with friends of the opposite sex it should ALWAYS be a conversation you would not mind a spouse being a part of. I hope this helps and it made it clear for me.

LeanMeanFitnessMachine

Its the fact that you're giving priority to your old guy friends over him AND your marraige that makes him not trust you. It probably makes him feel like his companionship and commitment means nothing to you. And to be honest - it kind of seems that way. Whether or not having coed friends should or should not matter is irrelevant - if it makes your husband uncomfortable and puts your entire marraige in jeopardy then it is a problem.

If you refuse to change your ways for the sake of your husband, then you don't love him enough to never want to lose him. And you will lose him if things don't change. Thats just the cold, hard truth - whether you want to admit it or not.

Fourmenandalady28

I think that when you get married your husband or wife shouldn't ostrasize you and they should add to you not take away from you or make you make "decisions" based on their insecurities.

Beezil

I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.

This just sounds wrong to me. Sorry. When I got married, and even before I was married to my husband, we both agreed that it was just easier and better for everyone if we didn't have friends of the opposite sex, unless they were married. Even then, it's iffy. Your marriage should always come first... always.

rockerbabyy

I'd never, ever let a romantic partner cut me off from my friends (be they guys or girls, no matter).

I think the counsellor is a fool. Draw up your pros and cons of staying with your current partner, if you want to fight to keep the relationship, he has to come to the table too, deal with his insecurity and jealousy.

Good luck

PS To say that guys and girls can't ever be friends is ridiculous (and mildly insulting) blanket statement, there are always exceptions from the rule, not every one is driven by sex 24 7.

PPS In my experience, finding new friends is Not as easy as you make it sound.

^this!
i have male friends, my husband has female friends. there are no issues.. we've been married for 6 years and never once have either of us cheated or crossed the line with friends (some are single, some not).
if you dont trust the person you married, you shouldnt be with them. i agree with some that there should be compromise and understanding, but if hes even unwilling to "let" you be on a coed team - there are bigger issues than compromise.

Debbe2

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
It's just not appropriate.
We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
Good luck with everything.

^^ This^^
I've been married for 28 years too and completely agree that it's just not appropriate.

frugalmomsrock

You should read some Dr. Harley. He has a theory of a "love bank." This is an account with everyone you know-male and female. When your husband makes you upset, you withdrawal love units. When things are good, you deposit them. However, you also deposit love units (sometimes unwittingly) into other men's "accounts." When you are having tough times with your DH and good times with your "friends," sometimes their accounts end up bigger than you're DH's account... this is when affairs tend to happen.

no. It's best if you do NOT have individual male friends. Mutual friends (that are his chums also) are AOK. Same for him-he shouldn't have his own female friends-only mutual friends. It just isn't appropriate, IMO, and opens the door for affairs.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Silverkittycat

I think you've made your decision.

That's all I said because I'm not interested in whether her male friends are single or not, and so on. I based it on the fact that no mention of a husband was made in her profile. No pics of him.

76tech

Six years? How long has this been a problem?

If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.

When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.

The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...

Bradozzz85

Call out one of your friends names in bed during sex for a hilarious laugh at his expense. He sounds like an insecure head case, may as well have some fun with the crazy before they take him away.

Contrarian

Maybe you should call one of your male friends and see what they think.

Your friendships with these men appear to be more important to you than making your husband feel secure in the marriage. I'd like to hear his side, though. There must be a reason for his objections.

Silverkittycat

When your husband makes you upset, you withdrawal love units. When things are good, you deposit them. However, you also deposit love units (sometimes unwittingly) into other men's "accounts."

For real?

odusgolp

Call out one of your friends names in bed during sex for a hilarious laugh at his expense. He sounds like an insecure head case, may as well have some fun with the crazy before they take him away.

Great idea...

chachita7

Jealousy and insecurity = something lacking from self and the threat that someone else has it.

A marriage is composed of (1) Respect, (2) Consideration, (3) Lots of communication <--- from both sides. A marriage is based on compromise and understanding. It isn't a matter of giving things up, but to find a balance in it all.

If you are still IN LOVE with your husband, you will fight for your marriage and will find a happy medium. No amount of therapy nor advise from anyone can fix this - only you and the amount of work you are willing to put into it.

My only recommendation would be for you to talk directly with your husband and try to understand better the reason why he feels threatened by your friends. It could very possibly be something you are doing without even realizing it. You cannot change him and his way but you might be able to change his perception of things by addressing them in a non confrontational way.

Best of luck to you

hollyeverhart

My marriage is a priority and if having guy friends jeopardized that I would back off the friendships. I committed to my husband for life, not my old guy friends. I respect him and the marriage enough to follow the wishes, if the were to ask that. I guess it depends on how much you value your marriage and husband vs old friendships. Just my 2 cents.

You shouldn't have to drop your friends because a man is insecure. Thats completely ridiculous! I am married and one of my best friends is a guy. My husband NEVER mentions it in a negative way. If you don't have trust you don't have anything. This sounds like a problem I would have had in middle school or something when everyones jealous of everything, not as a adult. Yeah just be a friendless miserable person and stay in the house all day and lose your friends...yeah that sounds fair. I can't imagine dealing with something like that, I honestly would laugh if my Husband even suggested something so stupid. Jealously is pointless. If you wanted to be with your male friends, you would have married/dated them not your HUSBAND who you MARRIED. Duh. That should be good enough.

chubbybunnee

So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.

Let's see....He stays home 24/7 and works on guns all day with chemicals in the house even knowing that I have breathing problems and he's a smoker and refuses to quit even though I had a pulmonary embolism 6 months ago and can't be around smoke. I invite him out everywhere I go and he always has a headache and never wants to go. I am out fo the house from 9am when I go to the gym until 5p.m. when I get finished running errands, working out, and finally come home to cook dinner. Never lied about who I was with. I am totally against lying about things like that because that is what causes trust issues. I will flat out tell him, Sarah, Zach, and Chloe are going to the bar and I'm meeting them there, then coming home...etc.... I always ask him if he wants to do anything before I ask my friends and he always has excuses why he doesn't like going out and being around "crowds" of people and can;t stand "noise". So sometimes I stay home with him, and other times, I go out if he has a headache and just wants to go to bed early. And oh yeah, I bought him his vehicle he drives now, put the down payment on our house, and was the one to suggest marriage counseling when we were filing for divorce. As far as I'm concerned, I am doing everything I can to keep him AND me happy. The fact that he still uses chemicals in the house and smokes around me makes me angry and yes, I vent, but with all those faults, I was still trying to work through it.

Here is an example of why he is mad at me today:

I post a photo of me on facebook. It is the same one as my profile pic. My before and after.
I get 18 comments from friends. about half were from guys. Single, married, gay...the whole enchilada.
Here were some of the comments: "Good Job"," Looking Good", "I Dig It", "Proud of you!"
He was mad that I have males as friends on facebook! None of the ones who commented even live in our state. Some are old collegues, some are my siblings friends, some are my old friends...it doesn't matter. He does not want me to talk to boys!

chubbybunnee

Perhaps you should discuss with your husband what specifically he finds so bothersome about you being around other men. The guy friends is one thing (although I personally don't see what the issue is with this--you should be able to have friends, of either sex), but a coed soft-ball team? Really? He honestly has a problem with you playing an organized, group sport, on a team that includes men? This sounds like serious trust/jealousy issues to me. I also think a new therapist might be in order. If it honestly bothers your husband when you're around men socially, he and/or the two of you should work on that issue, but you shouldn't have to restrict your life/behavior that much to please your partner.

As soon as he gets home from Houston in a few hours, we are definetely sitting down to discuss this! I am so angry that it is even an issue after everything I "overlook" for him!

chubbybunnee

This makes it really simple: Do you tell your guy friends things you do not talk to your husband about? If so, that is an emotional affair and it is wrong. If the answer is that I talk to them but have a deep intimate level that I can speak with my husband about anything then you are okay.
We went to counseling over the very same thing and the counselor said when you talk with friends of the opposite sex it should ALWAYS be a conversation you would not mind a spouse being a part of. I hope this helps and it made it clear for me.

Yes, it does! Thank You!

christine24t

I think if you're a part of a co-ed work team, it shouldn't be a big deal. But if you're hanging out with guys on your own (and i didn't read all the responses so I don't know) you shouldn't do that. I wouldn't want my husband hanging out with other girls, regardless of the intention. Just because you are a good person does not mean the guys are. Some guys thrive on getting with married girls, same as some girls don't care that the guy they like is in a relationship or even married.

chachita7

Is he Hispanic??????

I am puertorrican so is my husband, I can ask the question, lol

chubbybunnee

Six years? How long has this been a problem?

If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.

When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.

The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...

It started earlier this month, the same time he started going to Houston for his gun shows.

CarolinaGirlinVA

You should read some Dr. Harley. He has a theory of a "love bank." This is an account with everyone you know-male and female. When your husband makes you upset, you withdrawal love units. When things are good, you deposit them. However, you also deposit love units (sometimes unwittingly) into other men's "accounts." When you are having tough times with your DH and good times with your "friends," sometimes their accounts end up bigger than you're DH's account... this is when affairs tend to happen.

no. It's best if you do NOT have individual male friends. Mutual friends (that are his chums also) are AOK. Same for him-he shouldn't have his own female friends-only mutual friends. It just isn't appropriate, IMO, and opens the door for affairs.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband and I also read "The 5 Love Languages" which also touches on a similar concept of the love bank. We have had our share of issues, including me having male friends he did not like. It wasn't until he started giving all of his attention to another woman that I begin to see why he felt threatened. Now we both are working on making each other happy and I have hope that we will continue to work together instead of against each other.

chubbybunnee

I think you've made your decision.

That's all I said because I'm not interested in whether her male friends are single or not, and so on. I based it on the fact that no mention of a husband was made in her profile. No pics of him.

Who do you think takes all my pictures? lol.

MyFeistyEvolution

I really don't feel I can make a comment about this as I have no idea what your marriage is like. The only thing I do know is you are in counseling...and that's probably for a reason.

With that being said, what's more important to you...your marriage and husband or your friends? If you're marriage needs work, focus on that...real friends will be there after the fact.

christine24t

I just read your other post on the second page, and I have to add that he sounds a little controlling. I understand his point about hanging out with guys, but you can't have guy friends on Facebook? He smokes around you even though it's dangerous for you? That doesn't sound like any guy I would want to be with.

76tech

Six years? How long has this been a problem?

If it's a recent problem, maybe he senses something, or he has his own issues to deal with.

When you get married, you absolutely need to put your spouse first, above and beyond your friends. That's what the marriage commitment means.

The friends issue, there's no one answer. Some spouses are uncomfortable with their husband or wife having friends of the opposite sex, some are not. It's an important issue - if my wife was not comfortable with a good portion of my friends being female, she would not be my wife. But that's a two way street - some of her best friends are male. Which is 100% okay with me. But this won't work for everyone, so people need to talk, and sometimes compromise...

It started earlier this month, the same time he started going to Houston for his gun shows.

Where is the smiley of a guy waving a GIGANTIC RED FLAG

odusgolp

it really does sound like you are done working on it... Not all marriages work out. Hell, I'm divorced LOL.

hollyeverhart

I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.

This just sounds wrong to me. Sorry. When I got married, and even before I was married to my husband, we both agreed that it was just easier and better for everyone if we didn't have friends of the opposite sex, unless they were married. Even then, it's iffy. Your marriage should always come first... always.

God thats super lame. I find most women are so annoying, I have always gotten along better with guys, yet I have never slept with a male friend or dated one, or even thought about it. If you can't trust your husband/wife around the opposite sex that is very sad. Trust is everything. I am a stripper-exotic dancer whatever you wanna call it and while my husband doesn't 'like' it he RESPECTS my decision to do what I want and trusts me, he has never once questioned me about work. I like my job, I make great money and work 2-3 nights a week. If you want to keep your friends KEEP THEM. Don't let someone tell you how to live your life, Husband or not. The way some women talk on here you would think they work for their Husband & he is their mean boss. Don't get me wrong if my husband has a concern or a disagreement with me, I respect him and listen if he makes valid points but I would never change something in my life that I enjoy (friends!) over someone's insecurities and stupid jealously! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being told who you can and can't be friends with?