Is it wrong?
Replies
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#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents
If someone is going to cheat - they are going to cheat regardless of the friends they have. You can't isolate your spouse from the opposite sex for fear they may cheat. That's not trust. I don't believe marriage actually exists without trust. You can call it that if you want... maybe with a new counselor and some work on BOTH parts they can get there.
She is not hanging out in bars w/men, She said she was hanging with girlfriends and a couple of guys hang with their group - so a group of friends. She said her husband doesn't want her on a co-ed softball team. He's pissed her friends husbands comment on FB. Red flags...
If I was married and I knew that having female friends made my wife feel insecure, I would respect her feelings and compromise. Either share my friends with her so she can see how I interact with them or ditch them as my wife will always be my first priority.
Question is do you respect and love your husband enough to make such a sacrifice? Or is your marriage so boring that you feel the need to converse to other men?
Your husband/wife should be your one and only, your best friend and partner for life...0 -
I've been married for 10 years now and I have plenty of single female friends and my wife has plenty of single male friends... all of whom we hang out with individually and seperately on occasion.
It's not about who you're friends with, it's about trust. Strong marriages are built on it. You need to ask your hubby why he doesn't trust you.0 -
I'm actually quite surprised by the majority of you. Oh no, don't have male friends, it's not right, you're going to cheat. Geesh people, you must have some really insecure significant others if you're willing to just give up friends because you got married. So sad.
Are you married? If so, would you mind to put your marriage on the line for a simple 5 day test to see how faithful your husband really is?0 -
I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.
Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.0 -
I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.
Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.
This^ and perfectly said0 -
I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
I can relate and while I have married friends who say it's not ok to have friends of the opposite sex, I think that's just unfair. I have many close guy friends who I consider better friends than any of my female friends except one. I mean, maybe it's different because most of them are mutual friends, but I'm closer to a lot of them than my boyfriend is and regularly make plans and hang out with them the same as I would any of my female friends.
Also, the comments about prioritizing - I get where this is coming from, but what if your husband was jealous of how hot you were getting and wanted you to stop exercising? I feel like trying to isolate you from your friends - regardless of gender - is comparable to this example and a red flag of possessive behavior. IMO this is a symptom of deeper issues regarding trust and insecurity that may or may not be reparable.0 -
I'm actually quite surprised by the majority of you. Oh no, don't have male friends, it's not right, you're going to cheat. Geesh people, you must have some really insecure significant others if you're willing to just give up friends because you got married. So sad.
Are you married? If so, would you mind to put your marriage on the line for a simple 5 day test to see how faithful your husband really is?
I'm engaged, and actually the majority of my fiancé's friends are females. I have met them all, and have hung out with them with my fiancé as well. He is also more than allowed to hang out with them on his own. They have been friends for years and I would never ask him to stop being friends with them just because they're female. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Relationships are based on trust; if you don't trust each other then you shouldn't be together. Whether or not your SO has female friends, if he wants to cheat, he will find a way.0 -
#1 Reason for divorce is infidelity, you are also more likely to cheat with a friend/colleague than a stranger.
Just my 2 cents
If someone is going to cheat - they are going to cheat regardless of the friends they have. You can't isolate your spouse from the opposite sex for fear they may cheat. That's not trust. I don't believe marriage actually exists without trust. You can call it that if you want... maybe with a new counselor and some work on BOTH parts they can get there.
She is not hanging out in bars w/men, She said she was hanging with girlfriends and a couple of guys hang with their group - so a group of friends. She said her husband doesn't want her on a co-ed softball team. He's pissed her friends husbands comment on FB. Red flags...
If I was married and I knew that having female friends made my wife feel insecure, I would respect her feelings and compromise. Either share my friends with her so she can see how I interact with them or ditch them as my wife will always be my first priority.
Question is do you respect and love your husband enough to make such a sacrifice? Or is your marriage so boring that you feel the need to converse to other men?
Your husband/wife should be your one and only, your best friend and partner for life...
I am married. My husband trusts loves and respects me and is secure in our relationship. He is my best friend. Because of this - these are non issues. If I want to play on a co-ed softball team or any sport - or vice versa - no problem. He isn't threatened by my friends SOs posting on my FB or anyone for that matter. Often I go out with my girlfriends, their spouses, and spouses friends who are single men in a group. No issue. Sometimes my husband attends as well, sometimes he's working etc so I go on my own. It's called trust. He knows we are priority #1. I don't have to sacrifice everyone else in life and isolate it to just us to prove it.0 -
Personally, I think it's absurd to choose others over your marriage. Now, having said that, let me go on to explain. A person should never lose their sense of individualism even when they marry. It is sooo important (and I can't emphasis it enough) to make a huge effort to meld both your individualism and your partnership enough to find a compromise BEFORE you marry, and continue on working on that until the end of time.
In order to soothe out the ripple effect of suspicion and insecurities, you have to convince your partner that there is nothing to be worried about. Be open, and honest, and compromise by including your partner. I can't imagine, living life feeling that my own husband doesn't care how I feel, or would choose anyone over me. That would eat me alive! THAT is the exact opposite of why I chose to marry...furthermore, I wouldn't be with anyone who doesn't care about how I feel.
Having friends of the opposite sex has statistically resulted in some very bumpy roads. It's not about, keeping friends ... It about raising the level of trust and reciprocal respect.
But, that's just me.0 -
I just joined myfitnesspal. I am supporting my wife with what ever she wants to do to lose weight. That's the support part.
If you have male friends and it "bothers" your husband. STOP. We have been married 6 years. We have trust and we care for each other. But if I was doing something that hurt my queen, I would stop. My goal is to make her happy and make our marraige work. Don't get me wrong we have our issues but we have learned to tale to each other. Not yell, not snap, talk.
He has told you it bothers him. If you did not care how he felt, why did you ask him, knowing that you were going to keep seeing your male friends?
Sounds like there is more of a problem than your male friends and your weight loss.
A supporing Husband.0 -
Personally I find nothing wrong with having male friends. I am 24, engaged, and most of my friends are guys, a mix of gay and straight married and single. I think if my fiancee suddenly required me to cut ties I'd be ready for a fight. I think you should talk to him about how it makes you feel when he says you can't talk to other males, ask him why it upsets him. Open the lines of communication as to why those relationships are important to you.
And get a new marriage councilor.0 -
It doesn't matter what the issue is. The minute you decide to go against what your husband wants for your marriage there is a problem and it will always be a problem until you both resolve it. It doesn't matter if you are talking to single men or buying too many shoes. Marriage is a union. It is compromise. It is working together to make each other happy because you respect the life that you two are living together. Until you agree on the issues at hand, there will be problems. How big those problems get, depends on how unwilling you are to give in.0
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I think people are being unnecessarily harsh with the "I guess you're choosing your friends over your marriage" comments.
My thoughts are this: You had male friends before you met your husband, during the time you were dating and when you got married. He obviously didn't find it a problem then. So what's changed his mind all of the sudden? Communicate. Talk to him. Find out WHY this has become an issue for him. Don't assume anything. Challenge him on any erroneous beliefs. If you having male friends continues to be contentious, then you need to either compromise or get out. Have your email, social networking accounts open to him at all times. Don't lock your phone. Don't go out with these friends alone, invite him along, so he can become friends with them too. It sends a clear message to him that you are thinking about him and are including him, while also creating a boundary (if one is ever needed) to your friends. If you are getting a vibe off a relationship with your friend, then sever the friendship.
People who have nothing to hide, don't hide anything. You can compromise while still meeting both your goals, but will he also compromise?0 -
I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.
What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!
I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?
"I don't feel I have to choose my marriage over my friends" in my opinion is a immature attitude for a married women. Regardless if those friends are men or women. Certainly we are all entitled to have social relationships outside our marriage BUT when friends start to become more important than your marriage...you have a major issue....whether they are male or female. Also define the friendships? Once in awhile you grab lunch together? Do you see them more than once a week?
Are you hanging out in a bar drinking while hubby is at home?0 -
I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."
Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.0 -
It doesn't matter what the issue is. The minute you decide to go against what your husband wants for your marriage there is a problem and it will always be a problem until you both resolve it. It doesn't matter if you are talking to single men or buying too many shoes. Marriage is a union. It is compromise. It is working together to make each other happy because you respect the life that you two are living together. Until you agree on the issues at hand, there will be problems. How big those problems get, depends on how unwilling you are to give in.
True. I have many male friends, I was the only constant female in my circle of close friends. One of them is even an ex. They come over for every bbq or get together, they were all at my wedding, they all hug me and kiss me on the lips or cheek when they leave my house. Some of them are married some dating, some single. Their wives/girlfriends hug and kiss me and my husband when they leave my house (nothing dirty, just pecks). I seldom go out and do things with them without my husband, but it's happened and his only comment is "I'll miss you, be back soon, call if you need a ride" .
There are certain females that we hang out with that he's not allowed to play with like he does others, because I don't trust the chicks, and I don't want to have any drama amongst my friends, he sees it too and agrees.
I had one friend that kept hitting on me and being innappropriate, and my husband didn't like that, so I stop talking to him.
We agree on everything and we are honest about everything. He would never ask me to stop being friends with any of my close guy friends. If he had any trust issues, they were fixed when he became friends with them too. I wouldn't have married him if we didn't have this close of a realtionship.0 -
I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."
Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.
This.0 -
I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."
Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.
BINGO!0 -
To me, it's about trust. If my husband had a hard time with my having male friends, I would think he doesn't trust me, and without trust, we don't have a marriage.
To me, the issue is not the gender of friends. I would never tell my husband not to be friends with someone. If I trust him, it doesn't matter who he is friends with. If I don't, no amount of my trying to control him would fix that.
He is either with me or he isn't.0 -
Maybe some people should re-read the OPs posts before saying she's choosing her friends over marriage.. and shouldn't hang out at a bar with a single man... and should invite him... she HAS invited him = here's one of her posts again:::::
"Let's see....He stays home 24/7 and works on guns all day with chemicals in the house even knowing that I have breathing problems and he's a smoker and refuses to quit even though I had a pulmonary embolism 6 months ago and can't be around smoke. I invite him out everywhere I go and he always has a headache and never wants to go. I am out fo the house from 9am when I go to the gym until 5p.m. when I get finished running errands, working out, and finally come home to cook dinner. Never lied about who I was with. I am totally against lying about things like that because that is what causes trust issues. I will flat out tell him, Sarah, Zach, and Chloe are going to the bar and I'm meeting them there, then coming home...etc.... I always ask him if he wants to do anything before I ask my friends and he always has excuses why he doesn't like going out and being around "crowds" of people and can;t stand "noise". So sometimes I stay home with him, and other times, I go out if he has a headache and just wants to go to bed early. And oh yeah, I bought him his vehicle he drives now, put the down payment on our house, and was the one to suggest marriage counseling when we were filing for divorce. As far as I'm concerned, I am doing everything I can to keep him AND me happy. The fact that he still uses chemicals in the house and smokes around me makes me angry and yes, I vent, but with all those faults, I was still trying to work through it.
Here is an example of why he is mad at me today:
I post a photo of me on facebook. It is the same one as my profile pic. My before and after.
I get 18 comments from friends. about half were from guys. Single, married, gay...the whole enchilada.
Here were some of the comments: "Good Job"," Looking Good", "I Dig It", "Proud of you!"
He was mad that I have males as friends on facebook! None of the ones who commented even live in our state. Some are old collegues, some are my siblings friends, some are my old friends...it doesn't matter. He does not want me to talk to boys!"
You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are and you're own happiness to make your spouse happy. That isn't marriage. If the only way your spouse is happy is by making you unhappy then I question whether that person actually loves you at all.0 -
In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.0 -
In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
My point exactly. People are going to cheat whether you're checking their every move or not. If they do, it's over. Simple as that.0 -
In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:0 -
I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."
Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.
Ditto this. Two people are in a marriage and BOTH parties are equally important. When a person is so insecure they don't want their spouse speaking to ANY member of the opposite sex, the problem is the insecurity & mistrust and eliminating all contact with the opposite sex isn't going to make that go away. Address the problem, not the symptoms.0 -
<rant> Yes,guys usually have a strong sex drive.
No,we are not a half breath away at any moment of losing self control and mistreating a lady.
Even if we find a lady attractive and desirable it does not mean we will inevitably try to have sex with her. </rant>0 -
I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.
Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.
This^ and perfectly said
Sorry to be blunt, but maybe it had nothing to do with who you were friends with, but your lack of self restraint.0 -
If I had not witnessed your husband and mine in the same room at the same time in the past, I'd ask you if we were married to the same guy.In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:0 -
It's called PTSD, quit being all "me, me, I, my friends"... etc and get that man some help.
Should you really want your marriage to work out, compromise and quit going out with those male friends for a bit until you can resolve some of the issues you are having. It sounds like the more you refuse to budge on not letting go of your male friends... the more adamant he is about you not having any contact with men.0 -
I can only assume that some of the people posting to this thread only read the OP, and haven't bothered with the rest.I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."
Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.
She IS inviting him to go out with her friends.
She is NOT hanging out in bars with male friends! Not that there's anything wrong with that, I certainly go to pubs with male friends, always have done. Oddly enough, although there are people who are male and people who are female drinking in the same pub, we regularly manage to avoid the whole evening degenerating into an alcohol fuelled orgy! Of COURSE men and women can be friends. None of my friends would dream of coming onto me, we're not that sort of friends. We're adults, who respect each others boundaries.0 -
I was about to say the same thing, my wife suffers from PTSD. He needs help, respect his wishes, and do what best for your marriage.It's called PTSD, quit being all "me, me, I, my friends"... etc and get that man some help.
Should you really want your marriage to work out, compromise and quit going out with those male friends for a bit until you can resolve some of the issues you are having. It sounds like the more you refuse to budge on not letting go of your male friends... the more adamant he is about you not having any contact with men.0
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