Is it wrong?

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  • Phoenix24601
    Phoenix24601 Posts: 620 Member
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    You aren't alone, Maximal Life. My fiance and I don't let ourselves near that kind of temptation. We know that we are human and love each other too much to make room for that kind of mistake.
  • LauraLovesCamp
    LauraLovesCamp Posts: 44
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    Holy Cow. I think maybe he's having a hard time with trust. What is this 1952? Of course you can have friends. Man, lady, young, old, black, white or purple. If he doesn't trust you that's a different issue all together. But to not allow you to have friends,... come on man. That's silly.
  • emily356
    emily356 Posts: 318 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
    OK, thanks.
    Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
    We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

    Oh boy...tough issue.
    Kudos to you for still being passionate after all those years and children!!! We have 3 and it can be tough sometimes!!!
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    To add, I think any woman hanging out with a single guy "friend", especially on a consistent basis is just strange.. in a group w/ the s/o there.. sure, but alone, just askin for trouble....
    And I just thought of something. My tennis partner lost his wife to a guy that was "just friends" with his lady. They'd have lunch, go to movies with a group of friends, and it was all innocent until one day after a vino too many, they both ended up naked in the back seat.
    OOPS!:embarassed:

    Folks, get real!
  • MelHoneyRocks
    MelHoneyRocks Posts: 223
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    I believe in a healthy relationship there should be equality. One of my best friends is a male, and my fiance's best friend is a woman...and neither one of us have an issue with it. Maybe you do need to re-evaluate the relationship. Trust is obviously an issue. No healthy relationship should have trust issues.

    (and to add, both our our "best friends" are single...Zero issues.)
  • UponThisRock
    UponThisRock Posts: 4,522 Member
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    I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.

    WTF did I just read?
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
    OK, thanks.
    Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
    We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

    Oh boy...tough issue.
    im quite sexual, tbh. its one of the reasons hubby fell for me ;p we have two kids, planning for a third and still...enjoy each other very much.
    i have plenty of other people im attracted to, but i dont want to jump their bones every time my husband turns his back.
    not too long ago we went to a house party - men and women. single/married/gay whatever. some people left, hubby fell asleep on the couch and so it was me and 3 guys awake and quite drunk. we didnt all get naked and do each other. we grabbed a few more beers and sat down to watch a movie. (we all passed out somewhere around halfway through, but thats besides the point). one of the guys (single, attractive, i would probably try to hook up with him if i wasnt married) complained about his back hurting from work. i gave him a massage (he even took his shirt off for it! :o ). he said thanks. end of story. never once did it cross my mind to hit on any of them, or take anything further than enjoying a movie together.
  • InvictusPheonix
    InvictusPheonix Posts: 129 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
    OK, thanks.
    Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
    We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

    Oh boy...tough issue.
    My lovely parents just hit 30 years. I texted them (out of curiousity) about the girl/guy issue. After about an hour and a reply text in broken english (they are still working on cell phone use) the general rule seems to be: set clear boundaries. (like MaximalLife) if they get hazy, time to drop the friend (at least that's what i think the text was supposed to say)
  • Phoenix24601
    Phoenix24601 Posts: 620 Member
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    I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.

    WTF did I just read?

    pure selfishness
  • shreyaj
    shreyaj Posts: 196
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    I think you and your husband need to set some boundaries with each other which is so important in any relationship. You may want to ask him specifically why he does not approve of you having male friend's and then tackle those issues one by one, it's all about compromising of course. Saying he can have friend's who are females won't fix the situation if he doesn't feel comfortable about the issue. It all depends on the frequency, if you are going to activities where it's just you and a male several times a month I could understand why your husband would be concerned, however emails and keeping in touch with males should be harmless if you guys are secure in your relationship. I have a lot of male friend's but we usually hang out in a group setting, my fiance doesn't care at all because we have mutual trust and respect for each other. Good luck to you!
  • nvallejo1
    nvallejo1 Posts: 4
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    I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
    It sounds like he has issues that involve more than just your male friends. If he is so insecure that he does not want you on a coed team, then where will it go from there? I know people who's husbands won't even let them go grociery shopping alone...
  • amysj303
    amysj303 Posts: 5,086 Member
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    I think if you were friends before the marriage, they get "grandfathered in" but you can't make new guy friends. I don't know why! it's like, if I said I was going out for drinks with this guy I just made friends with, it's just not ok!
    I think the other thing is whether this is taking something from your husband. That advice columnist Carolyn Hax just had this in her online chat from Friday and said:
    The difference between emotional infidelity and a really close friendship is what it takes away from you and the value you place on it. If the time your husband spends with his close friend is time you want to share with him (within reason; marriage does not = Siamese twinning), and if he shares things with his friend that he's unable or unwilling to share with you, and this sharing comes at your expense, then you have grounds to speak up, and a loving and attentive mate will listen. There's more than one way to address the problem, so the key thing is validating the concern and being willing to bend.

    The wording has to be so careful here, because here's an example of something harmless: Let's say your spouse has a hobby that doesn't interest you, and pursues it (and talks about it at length) with a good friend, and you are actually happy for the X hours of alone time this spousal hobby-nobbing allows you, and when your spouse returns you're happy to see each other, then, yay for all involved
  • DeeJayTJ
    DeeJayTJ Posts: 355 Member
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    just my opinion feel free to disagree...

    i would only think it depends on if your cheating on him or not.

    if your a cheater, then he has every reason to freak out.

    ive never been married, but when i was with my ex gf, i had no problem with her having guy friends, then one day, one of her guy friends started being a little different to her.

    and then it happened.... i got cheated on...by her with her "guy friend"

    i think part of it is that she got all on a fitness journey and thought she was just too damn hot to handle, and i was just little ol fat tj... a guy who needed to lose some weight in order to keep up with her good looks..

    these days i dont care if a girlfriend has guy friends.. if shes going to cheat on me then she can go **** her self and there is nothing i can do about it and if shes not.. then cool :)

    hopefully you guys work something out.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    I always thought if I can't trust you why am I with you? **Insecurity** issues on his part for some reason? I have male and female friends, I don't want to sleep with my female friends. But I do get asked am I sleeping with whichever woman I'm around at the time.
    Human nature is very insecure.
    Call me uptight, and not that my wife ever would, but if some guy wanted to be my wife's "friend"......
    I just can't even imagine a scenario.
    I would go NUTS and start a fight.
    And so would my wife if it were me going to hang out at the sports bar with one of our real estate agents or brokers.
    She and I both know that I'd be banging them like crazy at some point.

    I recall an incident with an associates's wife which led to her stalking me endlessly. I never knew she was even the slightest bit attracted.
    After that, I started building wide hedges of protection.
  • Aviendha_RJ
    Aviendha_RJ Posts: 600 Member
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    My BF has a LOT of female friends. Some of them are single... some of them he's dated in the past. His ex-gf Michelle being among them... & he does things like... help her move... go to her parties (with me in tow)... go to her grandmother's funeral.

    It bugs me.. yeah. Because they had a rough break-up, & it was highly emotionally charged. He left her because he couldn't stand her temper, & she's with someone else now.

    But my BF pulling a white-knight coming to her rescue when she needs her floors re-finished so she can list her house for sale? Bothers me. I'm with you on this one...

    At the same time... I trust him. I know that he's trying to remain friends with her because it is a case of a large common social circle, and he's trying to keep things uncomplicated. We've talked openly about this... & I understand his reasons for this behaviour.

    If you CAN talk openly about it... & he can come to understand your reasons & you can understand his, & you both respect each other for your opinions, then it's great. But what it sounds like is you're not willing to try, and he feels like he's losing you. Probably has something to do with insecurity as a man, & your weight loss journey. You may not realize the difference in confidence level you have, but he may see it. Confidence is sexy to men; it's highly possible that he sees sexual rivals in these men you are spending time with. If you can make him feel secure, then maybe you can both relax a bit.

    I would recommend a book called "Love Languages"... it's really good. I read it & realize now that saying to my BF "I love you so much" & giving him a kiss doesn't mean HALF as much to him as when I say "I respect you so much as a man, because...."

    Its really helped me. Good luck in your relationship, and good luck in your journey. I hope everything turns out well for you on both fronts.
  • ThinningDownChick
    ThinningDownChick Posts: 95 Member
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    I've always had guy friends that I talk about weight training and what not with and guy workout partners, but my husband is okay with it. If it ever became a problem and he asked me NOT to have the guy friends I would respect his wishes. I don't think it's a matter of whether or not you should be allowed to be friends with someone, I think it boils down to whether or not you're willing do stop doing something that bothers him. To me, it's no different then if you asked him not to do something that bothers you and he still did it.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
    OK, thanks.
    Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
    We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

    Oh boy...tough issue.
    im quite sexual, tbh. its one of the reasons hubby fell for me ;p we have two kids, planning for a third and still...enjoy each other very much.
    i have plenty of other people im attracted to, but i dont want to jump their bones every time my husband turns his back.
    not too long ago we went to a house party - men and women. single/married/gay whatever. some people left, hubby fell asleep on the couch and so it was me and 3 guys awake and quite drunk. we didnt all get naked and do each other. we grabbed a few more beers and sat down to watch a movie. (we all passed out somewhere around halfway through, but thats besides the point). one of the guys (single, attractive, i would probably try to hook up with him if i wasnt married) complained about his back hurting from work. i gave him a massage (he even took his shirt off for it! :o ). he said thanks. end of story. never once did it cross my mind to hit on any of them, or take anything further than enjoying a movie together.
    That nuts.
    I could never do that in my wildest imaginations.
    I just don't get it - sorry.
    Good for you folks, but I got an erection years ago getting a massage from an 80 year old black named Henry at the gym after a sparing session. Some of us just can't do that, but I won't project.
    Again, good for you guys.....:ohwell:
  • musicgirl88
    musicgirl88 Posts: 504 Member
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    I didn't read through any of the other comments, just wanted to put in my two cents...I say find a different marraige counselor that isn't male. Males tend to have this whole "do as I say not as I do" train of thought. It is ok for them to have friends of the opposite sex, but not ok for the wife to have friends of the opposite sex. You need to let him know that it bothers you that he wants you to choose between him and your friends. Ask him how he would feel if you said he couldn't talk to his friends anymore. I had this issue with an ex of mine,and yes I know we were not married and things do change a bit when you are married, but we talked it over and it was stemed from his own insecurities. He thought I was looking for someone better when the truth is, I just get along better with guys. I have very few female friends because I simply do not get along with them LOL Now I know not all women are the same way, but where I went to school and the community I live in, most of the women are whiney, fake *****es LOL...plus I am a HUGE tomboy...I'm not a girly girl...anyway..got way off topic there LOL Try to talk it out with him and find a therapist that will actually work with you, not just tell you to give up your friends.
  • rachs02
    rachs02 Posts: 47
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    I don't see any issue with you having friends outside of the marriage. To tell you that you can't continue friendships that existed prior to the marriage is a control issue that I would not feel comfortable with. That is your husband's issue though, not yours.

    Good luck.

    I agree there is some control issue. The fact that a coed softball team bothers him is ridiculous. Also I don't think there is anything wrong with you simple touching base with your old friends asking how things are going.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
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    I've been married a long time (25 years). I've had a lot of friends divorce in that time, and marriage has a lot of ups and downs. Fortunately, we've had more ups than downs.

    You don't say whether your husband is extremely possessive at other times. Or, he might see something you don't. You may have crossed the friend line (or he feels you have). He might see that a certain guy has a thing for you.

    In any case, if my husband asked me not to hang out or call certain people, I would have to take him seriously.Doesn't mean I would automatically do everything he says, but I would really spend a lot of my energy trying to see things from his point of view.

    I personally am very aware of even the appearance of impropriety. I make sure I'm never in any situation where it could even seem a little bit like I'm trying to get inappropriate attention from another man. (By the way, my husband probably wouldn't notice anyway!)

    It sounds like there's an issue of control, and it's being played out on this issue.

    As Dr. Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? If you're only going to be happy doing what you want, then it's pretty clear you need to break up. You'll only make each other miserable.

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