Is it wrong?

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  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    Why aren't you asking him to go along?
    You mentioned you like to have some of the guys go out with you when you go out with the girls. Doesn't that kind of make it like a group date?

    Sorry, but it sounds to me like you wish you were still single.

    Your husband should be your best friend and if you are choosing to hang out with other guys over him, sounds like you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

    I would also be asking what he does on his weekends away. Just to be supportive and let him know that you care what he is doing, if for no other reason.

    she has asked him to go along - he refuses or finds excuses
  • RAFValentina
    RAFValentina Posts: 1,231 Member
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    I think your marriage counsellor is a sham...

    But you also need to respect your husband's feelings and sentgiments and be honest, open and frank with a discussion about it. Make negotiations and compromise. He must respect your wishes too.

    Unless he has a GENUINE reason not to let you still be friends with them (not saying you have or ever will... but perhaps cheated on him/illicit/inappropriate behaviour with them) then he should be respectful of this and negotiate with you as two adults should.

    There should be enough trust between you to not make it an issue.

    If it is still an issue to him, you need to decide what you care for more. Hubby or the "friends".
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Men and women just friends?
    That's unnatural.
    If either me or my wife were hanging out with opposite gendered friends for extended periods, we'd both end up in the sack at some point. That's natural.
    Suppose I was invited to a slumber party with a bunch of married ladies, then after a few beers, we all got in our panties for an innocent tickle fight?
    ...or a game of twister?

    Some of you folks are just dreaming.
    It can't happen.
    Welcome to the human race.
  • kasmir8199
    kasmir8199 Posts: 507 Member
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    If your relationship is awesome with your husband, if he is getting what he feels is his share of fair attention, this would likely not be an issue.

    Consider this a symptom.

    I've worked as a marriage and family therapist, and I do agree with this portion of the post (it's a symptom). If a person doesn't have complete trust, then a problem like this will occur. To a certain extent, you should be able to maintain close friendships with single male friends, in particular those friends that you have known for a while. However, if you'd like to keep things good with your marriage, then these friends should probably be in constant contact with your husband as well (become mutual friends of sort). I don't think it's right for any one partner to "ban" the other from conversing with friends of the opposite sex, but if there's any possible element of mistrust, THAT needs to be addressed and resolved between you and your husband before anything else (even hanging out in group of friends). Your friends should understand and respect this, even if they don't agree. And true friends will never leave you.
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    Men and women just friends?
    That's unnatural.
    If either me or my wife were hanging out with opposite gendered friends for extended periods, we'd both end up in the sack at some point. That's natural.
    Suppose I was invited to a slumber party with a bunch of married ladies, then after a few beers, we all got in our panties for an innocent tickle fight?
    ...or a game of twister?

    Some of you folks are just dreaming.
    It can't happen.
    Welcome to the human race.
    its worked just fine for me for years. been married 6, together for 8.
    not saying i go to slumber parties and get drunk and strip down to my panties, but to be honest - my husband would trust me in that situation. he has no reason not to.
  • amymeenieminymo
    amymeenieminymo Posts: 2,394 Member
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    Having friends up the opposit sex is a slippery slope when you are married or are in a serious relationship. When I was younger I always had a ton of guy friends and I thought my mom was nuts when she would express concern over having guy friends when I had a boyfriend.

    But now that I am married and experienced cheating in the past, I see where the issue comes in. He didn't go into it with intentions to cheat on me (I'm not defending him, it's just a fact). But slowly things snowballed and they went from just talking online (this was an ex he reconnected with over facebook) to meeting for lunch to discussing their problems with one another, etc etc.

    I can totally see now why having male friends when you're just dating is easier. Dating relationship aren't (or at least shouldn't be) that hard. But once you're married and you divide bills and household duties and inlaws and kids and trying to find time to just have fun together again....marriage is a lot of work and if someone else is in the picture that could potentially be someone you're attracted to, it's very easy to start leaning on that person and like I said above, things snowball into taking away from your marriage.

    I think you'll find most counselors are going to be against opposit friend relationships. You've got to remember, they see couple after couple who have likely been split up or having marital problems becaue of that opposit sex friend. I was venting to my counselor one day about the fact that I don't have anymore male friends, and while I understand why it's complicated, I struggled with the fact that dammit, we're all adults and we should be able to behave in the presence of someone of the opposit sex and it shouldn't make us lose all self control. He asked me, of all of my guy friends in the past, did I ever have a sexual and/or romantic relationship with them at any point.....I hesitated for a few and then said some of them, and the ones that I didn't I always got the very distinct feeling that they wanted to. He said there is your answer.

    That's not to say that everybody is going to hook up with their opposit sex friend, but I think it happens more than people think and it just complicates things so much. I do converse with other men....it's not like I avoid them altogether. I have friends at work that are both men and women and I am facebook friends with a few male friends from my past that I keep in touch with now and again. But there is nobody that I talk to on an even somewhat regular basis nor hang out with just the two of us.
  • Suziq2you
    Suziq2you Posts: 396 Member
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    I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that my husband would tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. It's absurd.
  • kasmir8199
    kasmir8199 Posts: 507 Member
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    Another thing to consider (a friend told me this once, and I do believe this)....

    Men don't usually befriend women that they don't find attractive. It doesn't mean that a man is incapable of having a platonic relationship with a female friend. Or vice versa. More often than not, sexual tension may arise at some point. It could be that your husband doesn't even want you in that situation for such a thought to occur. Again, it's something for the two of you to work out. It's not easy, and I feel for you. I know it can be frustrating.

    Wishing you all the best...
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
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    I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that my husband would tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. It's absurd.

    get back in the kitchen!!!
  • Z_I_L_L_A
    Z_I_L_L_A Posts: 2,399 Member
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    I always thought if I can't trust you why am I with you? **Insecurity** issues on his part for some reason? I have male and female friends, I don't want to sleep with my female friends. But I do get asked am I sleeping with whichever woman I'm around at the time.
  • Suziq2you
    Suziq2you Posts: 396 Member
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    I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that my husband would tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. It's absurd.

    get back in the kitchen!!!

    Gladly. That's where I keep the knives. :tongue:
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that my husband would tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. It's absurd.

    get back in the kitchen!!!

    Gladly. That's where I keep the knives. :tongue:
    <3 it :D
  • InvictusPheonix
    InvictusPheonix Posts: 129 Member
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    You should read some Dr. Harley. He has a theory of a "love bank." This is an account with everyone you know-male and female. When your husband makes you upset, you withdrawal love units. When things are good, you deposit them. However, you also deposit love units (sometimes unwittingly) into other men's "accounts." When you are having tough times with your DH and good times with your "friends," sometimes their accounts end up bigger than you're DH's account... this is when affairs tend to happen.
    Not married at all, happily so, but i seriously love this advice for ANY relationship
  • Phoenix24601
    Phoenix24601 Posts: 620 Member
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    Don't the marraige vows say "forsaking ALL others?" I guess that doesn't apply to friends if the situation could harm the marraige. :huh:
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Men and women just friends?
    That's unnatural.
    If either me or my wife were hanging out with opposite gendered friends for extended periods, we'd both end up in the sack at some point. That's natural.
    Suppose I was invited to a slumber party with a bunch of married ladies, then after a few beers, we all got in our panties for an innocent tickle fight?
    ...or a game of twister?

    Some of you folks are just dreaming.
    It can't happen.
    Welcome to the human race.
    its worked just fine for me for years. been married 6, together for 8.
    not saying i go to slumber parties and get drunk and strip down to my panties, but to be honest - my husband would trust me in that situation. he has no reason not to.
    It can't be just me.
    I mean, I have been married 28 years, faithful and people know me as VERY conservative when it comes to marriage, family and fidelity. And my wife and I talk about how hot other people are, and how we'd better never get trapped in an elevator with so and so....just humorous banter with a serious grain of truth.
    We are both STRONGLY attracted to other people.
    And we're honest about it, and in our marriage, we both know not to allow ourselves in certain situations.
    Is it just me?
    Does anybody else have sexual thoughts regarding healthy, attractive people of the opposite sex?
    I'm no perve, but I could never - I MEAN NEVER be friends - "just friends" with any attractive lady without wanting to jump her bones every second we're alone.

    And that's why I have learned to insulate myself in creative ways.
    I always take a kid with me to a lady's house if I need to go for some reason.
    I never go inside a house unless the husband is home. I never meet with a lady in my office alone; either a co-worker attends, or we go into a conference room. I do not do "business" lunches with female salespeople, co-workers or associates. And on business trips, I never go into the lounge after supper.

    And I have other principles of behavior that keep me from allowing the powerful drives to rule my actions.
    And again, I AM CONSIDERED THE PRUDE HERE, yet I think of sex about every 60 seconds.
    That's reality, and I can't be alone in this.
  • InvictusPheonix
    InvictusPheonix Posts: 129 Member
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    One last thought- Maybe the third party therapist sees something in you that he/she interprets as a risk factor for cheating (it might even be subconscious to the OP, but a trained professional sees it). The advice to avoid contact with the other men might not be a broad opinion, but case specific advice to you.
  • emily356
    emily356 Posts: 318 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
  • j4nash
    j4nash Posts: 1,719 Member
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    Another thing to consider (a friend told me this once, and I do believe this)....

    Men don't usually befriend women that they don't find attractive. It doesn't mean that a man is incapable of having a platonic relationship with a female friend. Or vice versa. More often than not, sexual tension may arise at some point. It could be that your husband doesn't even want you in that situation for such a thought to occur. Again, it's something for the two of you to work out. It's not easy, and I feel for you. I know it can be frustrating.

    Wishing you all the best...

    You stated this much better than I.. but this is my point. Not once did I state that men and women cannot be friends, all of those thrasing my opinion are making assumptions.. Sex is something that has been thought about even though it may never come to fruition and also (more assumptions) is usually not the basis for a friendship.
  • j4nash
    j4nash Posts: 1,719 Member
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    To add, I think any woman hanging out with a single guy "friend", especially on a consistent basis is just strange.. in a group w/ the s/o there.. sure, but alone, just askin for trouble....
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    It isn't just you, MaximalLife, I think you live in reality and a lot of people do not.:) Me and my husband live by the same principals and take precautions just like you and your wife. Why let yourself be put into temptaion? You know?
    OK, thanks.
    Maybe some folks are just not sexual.
    We do have 5 kids, and after 28 years, still very passionate.

    Oh boy...tough issue.

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