Is it wrong?

Dave198lbs

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

LorinaLynn

Forbidding your spouse from being friends with someone is kind of like training a dog not to growl. Nothing is going to stop a dog from biting if it feels provoked, but if you trained it not to growl, you won't get any warning. And a spouse who's going to cheat is going to cheat no matter what. If they're untrustworthy enough to cheat, they'll be untrustworthy enough to lie about who they're spending time with.

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

CallMeCupcakeDammit

I think if you were friends before the marriage, they get "grandfathered in" but you can't make new guy friends. I don't know why! it's like, if I said I was going out for drinks with this guy I just made friends with, it's just not ok!

This is basically what I just told a friend of mine! I have guy friends that I'm really close with, and have no desire to be anything but friends with. When I was still with my husband, I would never put myself in any type of situation where a guy could misunderstand me and think I wanted to do him. But now....

Carl01

So in a nutshell the feeling is that all guys are marauding animals looking only to have sex with every and any woman they meet and women don`t have any self respect or self control to not let that happen.

That is a little tongue in cheek with some hyperbole but is not far off from what many are saying.

Gender stereotypes as I have said before will never go away. :ohwell:

abbigail_r

Its not wrong if you both agree. I dont think your counselor should be playing sides. But your marriage should be more important than your friends, in my very own opinion. Marriage is a huge commitment and sometimes there are sacrafices to be made. I think the point maybe your counselor might be trying to make without saying it is it can sometimes be hazardous to the marriage simply because most women and men can not just be friends, even if it appears that way someone usually has feelings for the other....it happens. Ive seen this with my own eyes to about 6 marriages surrounding me. People make poor decisions. Your husband should come before the few men in your life that you keep in touch with. Its not about jealousy I think its about protecting whats his. He made a huge commitment not to take lightly, which so many ppl do.

Bikini27

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

Just because you have not done anything doesn't change his fears that you will eventually give into temptation. And this is a possible symptom of an insecurity of his. I was very insecure in my marriage and did not trust the women my then husband would hang out with. I did not trust him to make the right choice.

But *you* have to make the choice of bolstering your husband's confidence and making your commitment to him work or choosing yourself over it. Sounds harsh, but it seems as though you are choosing yourself and your happiness instead of your marriage and the happiness within that. And sometimes, your happiness is the only thing you can obtain and you walk away.

rherrin5

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

It seems pretty apparent that you want out. But no one on a message board hearing only your side of the story can possibly help you deal with this properly... Your issues in your marriage are obviously much deeper than this.

Very well said. It's one sided. If you love him and I mean truly love him you would respect his wishes. Plus, your seeking the advice of strangers This is your marriage your gambling with not a candy bar.

HMonsterX

Males tend to have this whole "do as I say not as I do" train of thought. It is ok for them to have friends of the opposite sex, but not ok for the wife to have friends of the opposite sex.

Wow thats a sweeping statement if ever i saw one!

Max, the fact that you feel you have to set those situations so you dont end up alone doesnt say much for your self control dude! Id feel totally comfortable in any company, alone or not, as i love my other half, and would never even want to do anything with anyone else!

Bikini27

I've been married a long time (25 years). I've had a lot of friends divorce in that time, and marriage has a lot of ups and downs. Fortunately, we've had more ups than downs.

You don't say whether your husband is extremely possessive at other times. Or, he might see something you don't. You may have crossed the friend line (or he feels you have). He might see that a certain guy has a thing for you.

In any case, if my husband asked me not to hang out or call certain people, I would have to take him seriously.Doesn't mean I would automatically do everything he says, but I would really spend a lot of my energy trying to see things from his point of view.

I personally am very aware of even the appearance of impropriety. I make sure I'm never in any situation where it could even seem a little bit like I'm trying to get inappropriate attention from another man. (By the way, my husband probably wouldn't notice anyway!)

It sounds like there's an issue of control, and it's being played out on this issue.

As Dr. Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? If you're only going to be happy doing what you want, then it's pretty clear you need to break up. You'll only make each other miserable.

This!

DeeJayTJ

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

rockerbabyy

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

its not just ONE friend - its a bunch of friends, some of which are married with children.

Dave198lbs

$20 bucks says some "friend" is gonna get some. SOON

lol agree!

if she leaves her husband and ends up with this "friend" it would prove the husband had enough reason to be paranoid about it.

its not just ONE friend - its a bunch of friends, some of which are married with children.

so what are you saying? no group sex? thats a different topic

amysj303

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

rockerbabyy

so what are you saying? no group sex? thats a different topic

completely different topic though not one i would avoid....
<.<

Fit_Canuck

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If anything would drive a husband even crazier is the fact that your talking about your private lives on a Website for others to see. Call me old fashioned if you like but airing marital issues on MFP would be a problem in itself.

manderson27

So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.

Let's see....He stays home 24/7 and works on guns all day with chemicals in the house even knowing that I have breathing problems and he's a smoker and refuses to quit even though I had a pulmonary embolism 6 months ago and can't be around smoke. I invite him out everywhere I go and he always has a headache and never wants to go. I am out fo the house from 9am when I go to the gym until 5p.m. when I get finished running errands, working out, and finally come home to cook dinner. Never lied about who I was with. I am totally against lying about things like that because that is what causes trust issues. I will flat out tell him, Sarah, Zach, and Chloe are going to the bar and I'm meeting them there, then coming home...etc.... I always ask him if he wants to do anything before I ask my friends and he always has excuses why he doesn't like going out and being around "crowds" of people and can;t stand "noise". So sometimes I stay home with him, and other times, I go out if he has a headache and just wants to go to bed early. And oh yeah, I bought him his vehicle he drives now, put the down payment on our house, and was the one to suggest marriage counseling when we were filing for divorce. As far as I'm concerned, I am doing everything I can to keep him AND me happy. The fact that he still uses chemicals in the house and smokes around me makes me angry and yes, I vent, but with all those faults, I was still trying to work through it.

Here is an example of why he is mad at me today:

I post a photo of me on facebook. It is the same one as my profile pic. My before and after.
I get 18 comments from friends. about half were from guys. Single, married, gay...the whole enchilada.
Here were some of the comments: "Good Job"," Looking Good", "I Dig It", "Proud of you!"
He was mad that I have males as friends on facebook! None of the ones who commented even live in our state. Some are old collegues, some are my siblings friends, some are my old friends...it doesn't matter. He does not want me to talk to boys!

Oh boy.....
I now see more of the real picture.
In a nutshell, your marriage is over.
It's time for you to just move on with your life.
Your husband knows with you losing weight, it's just a matter of time. And you know it as well.

Yep, this marriage is DONE. No offense; you posted all this dirty laundry here, and that is what I see.
It'll hurt for a season, and then all will be well once you're with somebody else more compatible.
That is just life sometimes.

Again, best of luck to you.

This

MerBear30

Did him not wanting you to talk to old guy friends start before or after you lost weight? Might just be his own insecurities about you being thin and healthy, and probably more strong and confident about yourself. Might not be about the guys at all ... just saying.

Dave198lbs

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.

these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.

grimmaster1983

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If anything would drive a husband even crazier is the fact that your talking about your private lives on a Website for others to see. Call me old fashioned if you like but airing marital issues on MFP would be a problem in itself.

!!!!!!!!THIS!!!!!!!

LorinaLynn

It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.

I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)

nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.

these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.

Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.

But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.

I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.

A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.