Would you remain friends with someone that cheated?

BellydanceBliss

I agree. People make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.

thats how I view it.

xsmilexforxmex

That would be an issue between them so yes I would remain friends.. It's not my place to judge and I would see it as if someone quit talking to me for something that was not wrongly done towards them they never were a true friend in the first place. How can you be so judgemental torwards someone and honestly call them 'friend'?

BADGIRLstl

Can I ask this question? Would you all be friends or hang around people who robbed a bank, murdered someone or their family, was a serious crack head/herion addict? My point is, why do you have to judge a person or be wrong, if you simply choose not to be involved with that character? I'm not saying my boy who started the thread is right or wrong OR that I agree or disagree w/ him....but damn, it's his decision...just like its your decision to do what you want to do? If you choose to hang around the robber, the murderer, and the addict b/c they are not doing harm to you, than more power to YOU!

BADGIRLstl

Yes, and I have. They didn't cheat on me, they cheated on their partner because there was something in their relationship that just didn't work.

That has nothing to do with our friendship.

I have a wide variety of friends -- some who do drugs (beyond marijuana), some who never miss mass on Sunday, some who uphold the law, others who repeatedly break it...I guarantee we all have friends like this. The difference is, people tell me a lot more than they tell others. People have told me the most personal, intimate things about themselves within minutes of meeting me; I think you'd be shocked at the things very normal, trustworthy people have done in the past. You would be a very lonely person if only you knew every secret every one of your friends and family members have hidden.

Loving someone is accepting their flaws, because let's face it -- we've all got them.

Now does that mean I would take back a partner who cheated on me? HELL NO. I have more respect for myself than that. Friends are different.

I like how you put this.

kb455

Yes. I try not to judge people. I don't know their business or private life and head space to know why they do anything. Being a cheater in a relationship isn't a reason for a person to be ostracised by the people around them.

I feel the same. I'm FAR from perfect... I don't expect my friends to be either. I would absolutely remain friends with someone if they cheated on their spouse. Their infidelity wouldn't change who they are TO ME.

ElizabethRoad

I kept thinking about this topic last night and I think I've figured out why it bothers me so much...

My husband is my best friend. Before he is my lover, provider, father of children, etc, he is my number one friend and confidant. If I visualize myself as the cheater and if I was willing to do something so despicable to my BEST friend, then I would likely have no hesitation betraying other friends. You know what I mean? I guess I don't see how a friendship with ones spouse is of LESS value than friendship with friends. In my eyes if someone is willing to betray their spouse/loved one, they are willing to do anything and, yes, that makes them untrustworthy and unreliable as a true friend. I'd remain civil and help out as needed (as I would do for any person friend or no), but I would not consider them someone to rely on.

Yes but not everyone is in that kind of relationship. My friend cheated on her husband, and while it was wrong, he was by no means her best friend at that point. He had accused her of cheating for years even though she hadn't, and their relationship was terrible.

lacroyx

if the said friend that cheated was a family, my own family, then no. otherwise it just depends.

BADGIRLstl

I kept thinking about this topic last night and I think I've figured out why it bothers me so much...

My husband is my best friend. Before he is my lover, provider, father of children, etc, he is my number one friend and confidant. If I visualize myself as the cheater and if I was willing to do something so despicable to my BEST friend, then I would likely have no hesitation betraying other friends. You know what I mean? I guess I don't see how a friendship with ones spouse is of LESS value than friendship with friends. In my eyes if someone is willing to betray their spouse/loved one, they are willing to do anything and, yes, that makes them untrustworthy and unreliable as a true friend. I'd remain civil and help out as needed (as I would do for any person friend or no), but I would not consider them someone to rely on.

This is exactly where I thought he was coming from. Not saying that this is what I would do, or how I would handle it...but I understand his reasoning.

KimmieBrie

Depends on the friend and the situation.

None of my friends are habitual cheaters - I probably wouldn't be friends with a habitual cheater to begin with...

None of my friends have cheated on their spouse to my knowledge. Boyfriends yes... but they didn't commit to them for life.

In general - I treat my friends the way I want to be treated. If I made a big mistake in life the last thing I would want would be for my friends to abandon me in a time of need. My friends treat me well and I them. I hope if any did cheat on their spouse they would feel they could come to me without fear of punishment. I am their friend, not their spouse and our relationships are completely different.

scs143

Yes.

Marriage and best friendship are very different from each other, even though one may include the other. Friendship is a far less demanding relationship than a marriage. My best friend and I have no sexual relationship, we have no children together, we do not share finances and aren't intimate in the various ways a marriage is.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

If one of your friends cheated on their spouse, would you remain friends with them?

I wouldn't. A friend has to be someone I can trust. If they can't honor their marriage vows, there's no way I can trust them to honor whatever relationship we've built.

Depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't totally cut the person out of my life, but I would not longer consider them a "friend."

I had a friend who cheated, I remained friends with his wife, when they got back together it caused issues in the overall friendships. Before my DH and I really enjoyed have couple evenings with them, after there were no more couple evenings. They got back together for 2 years, then she cheated, and that was the end of it. I've told them both that their relationship issues are none of my business and that I'm going to maintain the friendships independently of each other because I missed them both over the past few years. If I had a good friend who cheated on their spouse I would encourage them to do the right thing, if I had a good friend who's spouse cheated on them I would support my friend, but I've learned from personal experience that when you're friends with both you just mind your p's and q's and stay the flock out of it.

kugagirl

How judgemental this thread is.

For what it is worth, if anybody were to judge me the way some are judging situations on here and would just disown me because they did not consider something I had done to their own satisfaction, then I would not want them as a "friend" anyway.

AGREE!!!!!!!!

1WorkoutAtATime

yup, we all make mistakes and need forgiveness...

higgi1982

there are a few friends that i would stand by and still be friends with no matter what they did , but would let them know that cheating isnt something i agree with

MissTattoo

Can I ask this question? Would you all be friends or hang around people who robbed a bank, murdered someone or their family, was a serious crack head/herion addict? My point is, why do you have to judge a person or be wrong, if you simply choose not to be involved with that character? I'm not saying my boy who started the thread is right or wrong OR that I agree or disagree w/ him....but damn, it's his decision...just like its your decision to do what you want to do? If you choose to hang around the robber, the murderer, and the addict b/c they are not doing harm to you, than more power to YOU!

Agreed. I'm not hanging out with drug dealers because I don't want to be around people like that who make choices like that. I wouldn't want to hang around child molesters, rapists, women beaters, *kitten* in general, etc.

Everyone who says they don't judge are full of crap. EVERYONE judges. If I knew one of my friends were cheating on their spouse, I would lose respect for them. There is never an excuse for cheating. End the relationship. Just because you aren't in love or whatever, doesn't excuse you to just go cheat. Cheating is selfish and people do it so they can have their cake and eat it too. Cheating destroys trust, self esteem, self worth, and crushes everyone involved. You can come up with whatever excuse you want to help you sleep at night, but when it comes down to it, you didn't have the guts to end your relationship before getting involved with someone else. And yes...I will judge you for it because I don't believe in God and don't throw out some disclaimer that only God can judge.

beckylawrence70

Yes I would.......

megmay2591

I think that when someone cheats it's a huge mistake, there are many circumstances and different types of people that cheat. Maybe this person wasn't feeling like they could talk to someone about their feelings before they cheated, and they just needed a friend to talk to? If someone was once a friend I wouldn't just cast them aside.

JessicaHoskins

I know a couple that are separated (though legally married); going through a nasty divorce. Yes, she has a boyfriend but I am & will continue to be her friend, because it's not in my place to say how she should live her own life. Plus, the circumstances are complicated...

15in8

Life will lead you to a place where you will have a greater understanding of this issue.

srenebailey

I agree too. There are too many things to consider. In truth, now days, who isn't a cheater? How many friends would we really have if we cut out all those who cheated? I'm not saying everybody is a cheater, but there are a whole lot of them out there, so, I say, live and let live.


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chillijam1

i can understand ,but its true thats when you find out who your true friends are if they still friends with this person ,has on recieving end i found out i didnt have real friends ,just ppl who said they where :ohwell:

ONE03

There is never an excuse for cheating. End the relationship. Just because you aren't in love or whatever, doesn't excuse you to just go cheat.

I agree.

daisydieter

I've been thinking about this thread. I think there are three kinds of cheaters.

Before I get into that, cheating NEVER happens in a happy, healthy relationship. It was a broken one before anyone strayed.

First kind of cheater is the one who is just so unhappy/lonely/sad... possibly angry even. However, they believe that a divorce would make things far worse, especially if they have children with that person. Or they believe that person might have some sort of mental breakdown or unable to support themselves. A paramour is sought because they want to find some happiness and STAY married.

Second kind of cheater is just as unhappy and scared to be alone... and are cheating hoping to find a reason to leave their spouse. Motivation and a soft place to land, so to speak.

I'd still be friends with these two types despite my not agreeing with their choices. (I'm friends with people who are Republicans after all. LOL)

Third kind of cheater is the one who likes the thrill of cheating. They like having the happy domestic situation... having the world think they are the perfect spouse... even their spouse believing that. But they love the thrill of the hunt and the getting away with it. They even lie to their paramours about just how many of them exist. In other words, they cheat on the people they're cheating with. The people involved that are being lied to, it isn't a necessary evil like the first two types but just a means to an end to something they believe they're entitled to have. They have no real respect for the other people. No idea if they are sex addicts or have some sort of personality disorder. (I was on the receiving end of being with a man like that years ago.)

This type of cheater, I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship. I think they're not really able to be truly friends with anyone as they are at heart, a very selfish person who feels other people's feelings don't count. But I seriously doubt I'd ever know I have a friend doing this. They are master liars. Part of the game is their friends don't know.

ItsCasey

If I visualize myself as the cheater and if I was willing to do something so despicable to my BEST friend, then I would likely have no hesitation betraying other friends. You know what I mean? I guess I don't see how a friendship with ones spouse is of LESS value than friendship with friends. In my eyes if someone is willing to betray their spouse/loved one, they are willing to do anything

I get where you're coming from, but it just isn't that black and white. Again, marriages and friendships ARE DIFFERENT. Moral relativism makes this whole argument dysfunctional.

Cheating on a spouse does not mean you are "willing to do anything." This is why everyone keeps saying "You have no idea what goes on in someone else's marriage." You don't know why they did it or what they learned from it, so you have no idea whether or not they'd do it again or if it would make them more likely to betray a platonic friend.

I don't think anyone on this thread is saying that there are certain circumstances that make cheating permissible. When you take vows and promise to be faithful to someone for the rest of your life, there is absolutely no excuse for cheating. But not one of your friends is perfect. Every last one of them has made a stupid, selfish, inexcusable decision at one point or another that hurt someone else. Are you going to ditch all of them? I mean, if you think one wrong move against another person means your friends are willing to turn on you, too, then surely you don't have any friends left.

Are you a good friend to this hypothetical person who cheated? Has he/she been a good friend to you? If the answer to both questions is yes, then what is the problem? I get it if we're talking about a chronic cheater. Clearly that person has issues that make him/her incapable of any kind of loyalty. But a friend makes one decision that you find to be morally reprehensible and he/she can't be your friend anymore? Even Jesus didn't have standards that high.

AwesomelyAmber

I have remained friends with some and ended friendships with others... it's situational. I don't make any bones about the fact that I believe there is NEVER a reason to cheat though...

HMD7703

I've been thinking about this thread. I think there are three kinds of cheaters.

Before I get into that, cheating NEVER happens in a happy, healthy relationship. It was a broken one before anyone strayed.

First kind of cheater is the one who is just so unhappy/lonely/sad... possibly angry even. However, they believe that a divorce would make things far worse, especially if they have children with that person. Or they believe that person might have some sort of mental breakdown or unable to support themselves. A paramour is sought because they want to find some happiness and STAY married.

Second kind of cheater is just as unhappy and scared to be alone... and are cheating hoping to find a reason to leave their spouse. Motivation and a soft place to land, so to speak.

I'd still be friends with these two types despite my not agreeing with their choices. (I'm friends with people who are Republicans after all. LOL)

Third kind of cheater is the one who likes the thrill of cheating. They like having the happy domestic situation... having the world think they are the perfect spouse... even their spouse believing that. But they love the thrill of the hunt and the getting away with it. They even lie to their paramours about just how many of them exist. In other words, they cheat on the people they're cheating with. The people involved that are being lied to, it isn't a necessary evil like the first two types but just a means to an end to something they believe they're entitled to have. They have no real respect for the other people. No idea if they are sex addicts or have some sort of personality disorder. (I was on the receiving end of being with a man like that years ago.)

This type of cheater, I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship. I think they're not really able to be truly friends with anyone as they are at heart, a very selfish person who feels other people's feelings don't count. But I seriously doubt I'd ever know I have a friend doing this. They are master liars. Part of the game is their friends don't know.

I really like your breakdown. When you put it this way, I would be inclined to agree.

NeshBeMe

It's funny you say that because I had 2 very close female friends. Both cheated on their husbands. One not only stole my SS Number and had a phone in my name, but after some years I forgave her and she stole money from my purse (on my birthday, might I add). The other was my best friend since 1st grade and last year, I cut all ties with her. She had NO idea how to be a 'real' friend, after I had told her many, many times before. She was only around when she needed me for something. I'm not one to judge someone and I won't stop being someone's friend based on them cheating but it's amazing how those 2 were also horrible friends as well.

moushtie

Wow. I'm glad my friends aren't as closed minded as the OP! Is it cheating when your partner gives you permission to have an affair?

auticus

I have a hard time with this. My wife cheated many times and often with friends of mine.

I know a lot of people that do it serially as if its nothing.

I can't say that I'm truly friends with anyone who is like this. Character is an important facet of a person that I take into consideration before letting them around me.

I also know people have a million excuses to justify what they do. But at the end of the day that's all they are. Excuses.

I can say that with confidence from my ivory tower but if any of my current friends cheated it would depend on what is going on I suppose as well.

The whole "we deserve" mantra is not something that I follow though. You deserve to be treated how you treat others. That's what I believe in. If you are a shady cheater, you don't deserve anything but the same in return in my opinion.

princesspeach577

No matter how much you think you know your closest friend, it is entirely possible that you are not aware of all the circumstances, feelings, and emotions that they experience in their relationship with their significant other. While trust in any relationship is a big concern, you can't apply a "one size fits all" solution to this question without knowing all the reasons which led to the cheat.

THIS!