How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet....
Replies
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I love how you responded to the one who gave you permission to make yourself feel better and ignored the rest.
Her weight and her performance are not your business. I do think it's interesting that you feel so compelled to put her in her place.
The post was called "How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet..." not "Should I or shouldn't I tell someone they're not there yet..."
She's going to be performing and public venue and she asks for my opinion daily, so I was looking for a nice way to put it.0 -
I love how you responded to the one who gave you permission to make yourself feel better and ignored the rest.
Her weight and her performance are not your business. I do think it's interesting that you feel so compelled to put her in her place.
This. Why come here looking for validation and permission to be cruel?0 -
shrug. just leave it alone?
This. If she asks for your advice, give what you can, otherwise it's nuya bidness.0 -
Who are you to decide if she's serious or not? You don't know what she eats at home. Why don't you (both of you) stop picking everyone else apart and work on yourselves. Beauty is an internal and external thing. And really, personality wise, you two aren't there yet.
See?How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
I always fall into the camp of truth - objective reality.
Here is the disconnect.
Are they consulting you? If so, be honest, but if not, hold your peace.
Or invite her to MFP, and have her post her bikini pics - :noway:
THANK YOU!!! This made my night :-) She consults me on a daily basis.... I've nearly bitten my tongue off from trying not to say anything. And at 5'6" and 200+ pounds, trying to fit into a size 8 - I'm honestly worried about her more than anything else. I don't want her to see pictures afterwards and feel embarrassed. I'm not saying cover up, but at least stop thinking you're smaller than you are because you're not serious about it and you're not there yet!0 -
If she's happy with herself, who cares?
i agree.0 -
If someone came on here and complained that after working really hard and losing 6-7 pounds, one of her co-workers (who is close to her size) started lecturing her about "how she is doing everything right, while I am doing everything wrong", what would you say?
Because in her eyes, this would be the situation.
Just don't say anything.
You won't open her eyes, you will only make her mad at you, and possibly feel bad about herself.
No win.
Thank you - I didn't think about it this way. If she's already convinced she and I are the same, there's really no way to convince her otherwise.0 -
I love how you responded to the one who gave you permission to make yourself feel better and ignored the rest.
Her weight and her performance are not your business. I do think it's interesting that you feel so compelled to put her in her place.
The post was called "How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet..." not "Should I or shouldn't I tell someone they're not there yet..."
She's going to be performing and public venue and she asks for my opinion daily, so I was looking for a nice way to put it.
There is NO nice way to put it. Someone joked that you should punch her in the gut and call her fatty. Metaphorically speaking, that's what you're going to be doing. My BFF back in college was much larger than me. We used to go shopping all the time. ONE TIME I told her a skirt "wasn't flattering." You'd have thought I insulted her mother. And we were like sisters. There is NO nice way to put it.0 -
Apparently you're just a much better person inside and out than the rest of us. So go put her in her place and you'll feel much better about yourself.0
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Leave her be. She will figure it out sooner or later0
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See?How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
I always fall into the camp of truth - objective reality.
Here is the disconnect.
Are they consulting you? If so, be honest, but if not, hold your peace.
Or invite her to MFP, and have her post her bikini pics - :noway:
THANK YOU!!! This made my night :-) She consults me on a daily basis.... I've nearly bitten my tongue off from trying not to say anything. And at 5'6" and 200+ pounds, trying to fit into a size 8 - I'm honestly worried about her more than anything else. I don't want her to see pictures afterwards and feel embarrassed. I'm not saying cover up, but at least stop thinking you're smaller than you are because you're not serious about it and you're not there yet!
If she asks for your opinion, give it. In your first post, you presented it as that you were annoyed with her for thinking she looked good and was the same size as you when she isn't. But if she consults you and you are worried about her as a friend then talk to her. But, if you're not friends and she is not asking you for your opinon, then you're probably better off keeping it to yourself.0 -
I wouldn't say anything. No good is going to come of that... Just leave well enough alone unless you want some sort of awkward or angry dynamic going on. Some people are just disillusioned and nothing you would or could say is going to change that.0
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OK, she asks for an objective opinion, just say it.
See?How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
I always fall into the camp of truth - objective reality.
Here is the disconnect.
Are they consulting you? If so, be honest, but if not, hold your peace.
Or invite her to MFP, and have her post her bikini pics - :noway:
THANK YOU!!! This made my night :-) She consults me on a daily basis.... I've nearly bitten my tongue off from trying not to say anything. And at 5'6" and 200+ pounds, trying to fit into a size 8 - I'm honestly worried about her more than anything else. I don't want her to see pictures afterwards and feel embarrassed. I'm not saying cover up, but at least stop thinking you're smaller than you are because you're not serious about it and you're not there yet!
"Sorry, but I can't tell the difference. Let's take a look again AFTER you lose the next 30 lbs".
When somebody asks for an assessment, give it.0 -
I can say, I can honestly relate... BUT think twice before you speak and ask yourself these questions... (and only you can answer them)
1. Are you pointing her non-success and lack of determination to elevate yourself? If the answer is yes, then keep your mouth shut
2. Are you pointing it out because you care about her, her weight is unhealthy and you are concerned with her habits? if the answer is yes, tell her... but make sure she knows why you are telling her.
Personally, I have been told that I'm being obsessive, micro-managing my food, that going to the gym 4 times a week was going to wear me out and that I should pace myself etc etc etc... by not just one person but many, and most of them started this journey with me.
They are also bragging about their successes... but you know what... I'm not looking in the mirror and judging myself, I'm pulling out negative measurements at the gym when the trainer tapes me, and they are still complaining that their clothes must have shrunk... I just smile, nod and KNOW what I'm doing is for myself....and eventually, they will either hate me, or want to be me
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You could always go shopping together, and try on the same pair of jeans.
If they fit you and not her, she can't claim to be something she's not. And you, won't have to be mean about it. :bigsmile: 0 -
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.0 -
I love how you responded to the one who gave you permission to make yourself feel better and ignored the rest.
Her weight and her performance are not your business. I do think it's interesting that you feel so compelled to put her in her place.
The post was called "How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet..." not "Should I or shouldn't I tell someone they're not there yet..."
She's going to be performing and public venue and she asks for my opinion daily, so I was looking for a nice way to put it.
Several people have said there is no nice way, yet you have gravitated to the people who have said it's ok to be harsh.0 -
OK, she asks for an objective opinion, just say it.
See?How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
I always fall into the camp of truth - objective reality.
Here is the disconnect.
Are they consulting you? If so, be honest, but if not, hold your peace.
Or invite her to MFP, and have her post her bikini pics - :noway:
THANK YOU!!! This made my night :-) She consults me on a daily basis.... I've nearly bitten my tongue off from trying not to say anything. And at 5'6" and 200+ pounds, trying to fit into a size 8 - I'm honestly worried about her more than anything else. I don't want her to see pictures afterwards and feel embarrassed. I'm not saying cover up, but at least stop thinking you're smaller than you are because you're not serious about it and you're not there yet!
"Sorry, but I can't tell the difference. Let's take a look again AFTER you lose the next 30 lbs".
When somebody asks for an assessment, give it.
You can do this. And go on to wrap yourself in your smug righteousness.
But then you would be ignoring the fact that you are two WOMEN who have to keep working together, and that honesty is a hurtful policy that does not always serve you well in a work-place enviroment.
That is why we have the word "tact".0 -
I have a kind of similar situation. A girl I used to be close with from work was pretty skinny to begin with. All she had to do was lose 5 lbs and maybe tone. She went overboard. She now looks like the corpse bride. I have always been actually overweight and have to work really hard to try to be healthy. And I get frusterated at the slow process sometimes. When I lose weight or start making better choices I am VERY proud of myself. She lost like 15 lbs and instead of encouraging the rest of us she got very high and mighty. She doesn't understand that I can't have a smoothie and lose 100 lbs overnight. She got on myfitnesspal and friended me - and it was even worse than seeing her in person while she blabbed about how "hard" she worked. I would post my struggles on here to people who understand and she belittled it. I wish I had never told her about my struggles to begin with. I am no longer friends with this girl (after working together for years). She got so stuck up about it. I think no matter what you do or say this girl won't understand. It's not worth ruining a friendship/working relationship over. She obviously wants attention but she doesn't want to put effort into it. My advice - unless she brings it up avoid this subject with her. She's not serious about getting in shape and if you guys become work out buddies or anything she'll end up bailing. It'll make it harder for you to keep up with your goals. You are doing a great job. Just keep doing it. Eventually when she sees the difference herself (which she probably already does deep down) she'll be more supportive. If she asks for your advice I agree with telling her about sites (like this one, or I love skinnytaste.com) - let her research on her own. She might be going for all that attention because she's actually embarassed and unhappy with herself. I hope that makes sense!0
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You could always go shopping together, and try on the same pair of jeans. If they fit you and not her, she can't claim to be something she's not. And you, won't have to be mean about it. :bigsmile:
^^^^ This - or offer her a top / shirt / skirt that you have (and she has seen on you) that you might not be that fond of (or that is getting slightly to big for you) - she will get the message0 -
I have a kind of similar situation. A girl I used to be close with from work was pretty skinny to begin with. All she had to do was lose 5 lbs and maybe tone. She went overboard. She now looks like the corpse bride. I have always been actually overweight and have to work really hard to try to be healthy. And I get frusterated at the slow process sometimes. When I lose weight or start making better choices I am VERY proud of myself. She lost like 15 lbs and instead of encouraging the rest of us she got very high and mighty. She doesn't understand that I can't have a smoothie and lose 100 lbs overnight. She got on myfitnesspal and friended me - and it was even worse than seeing her in person while she blabbed about how "hard" she worked. I would post my struggles on here to people who understand and she belittled it. I wish I had never told her about my struggles to begin with. I am no longer friends with this girl (after working together for years). She got so stuck up about it. I think no matter what you do or say this girl won't understand. It's not worth ruining a friendship/working relationship over. She obviously wants attention but she doesn't want to put effort into it. My advice - unless she brings it up avoid this subject with her. She's not serious about getting in shape and if you guys become work out buddies or anything she'll end up bailing. It'll make it harder for you to keep up with your goals. You are doing a great job. Just keep doing it. Eventually when she sees the difference herself (which she probably already does deep down) she'll be more supportive. If she asks for your advice I agree with telling her about sites (like this one, or I love skinnytaste.com) - let her research on her own. She might be going for all that attention because she's actually embarassed and unhappy with herself. I hope that makes sense!
Thank you - it makes total sense. And thank you for understanding my predicament and not biting my head off. :-)0 -
You could always go shopping together, and try on the same pair of jeans. If they fit you and not her, she can't claim to be something she's not. And you, won't have to be mean about it. :bigsmile:
^^^^ This - or offer her a top / shirt / skirt that you have (and she has seen on you) that you might not be that fond of (or that is getting slightly to big for you) - she will get the message
These are actually REALLY good ideas. Thanks! Maybe I'll offer to go shopping with her for her performance outfit?0 -
Punch her in the gut and call her fatty pants
or...I guess you could just let it go.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! This literally made me LOL :laugh:0 -
Pure, undiluted truth is pure poison to some.This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.
They can't face reality, so in the face of real help as opposed to coddling, they carp and cry foul.
It's laughable.0 -
She's going to be performing and public venue and she asks for my opinion daily, so I was looking for a nice way to put it.
Normally I'm in the "mind your own business" camp, but it is kind of tough when someone is really in your face trolling for compliments.
My strategy in these sort of situations is to be honest, but still avoid telling her she's too fat to wear things, or doesn't look like she's lost weight.
I'd probably say things like " Gosh, that's revealing. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to wear that on stage" or "You know, venue XYZ gets really chilly this time of year, and that would look great with a shawl," or avoid talking about the cut/fit at all, and say complementary things like "That color really complements your eyes/hair/skin tone"0 -
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.
EXACTLY!!! Like I said - I got fat again because no one was brave enough or cared enough to tell me to do something about it! People are too soft on here - do you see half the reactions I'm getting?0 -
If someone came on here and complained that after working really hard and losing 6-7 pounds, one of her co-workers (who is close to her size) started lecturing her about "how she is doing everything right, while I am doing everything wrong", what would you say?
Because in her eyes, this would be the situation.
Just don't say anything.
You won't open her eyes, you will only make her mad at you, and possibly feel bad about herself.
No win.
Thank you - I didn't think about it this way. If she's already convinced she and I are the same, there's really no way to convince her otherwise.
Bingo! The penny drops!
People build up mental self defense mechanisms to uncomfortable truths. For me it was a learnt behaviour to avoid glancing in reflective windows so I wouldnt have to face how big I was getting. (thats an incredible skill to achieve when walking through the city) So all that is going to happen when you confront her with an uncomfortable truth that she isn't ready for is she will place you in the role of jealous b*tch.
Every one has a point where they face the truth and start making lasting change and its usually something like splitting your pants, being told they will need to purchase an extra seat on a plane, a heart attack, seeing themselves in a group photo, but almost never someone telling them they are fat. We humans are big on denial until the universe slaps us across the face with a reality check.0 -
Here we go again....
OK, she asks for an objective opinion, just say it.
See?How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)
This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
I always fall into the camp of truth - objective reality.
Here is the disconnect.
Are they consulting you? If so, be honest, but if not, hold your peace.
Or invite her to MFP, and have her post her bikini pics - :noway:
THANK YOU!!! This made my night :-) She consults me on a daily basis.... I've nearly bitten my tongue off from trying not to say anything. And at 5'6" and 200+ pounds, trying to fit into a size 8 - I'm honestly worried about her more than anything else. I don't want her to see pictures afterwards and feel embarrassed. I'm not saying cover up, but at least stop thinking you're smaller than you are because you're not serious about it and you're not there yet!
"Sorry, but I can't tell the difference. Let's take a look again AFTER you lose the next 30 lbs".
When somebody asks for an assessment, give it.
You can do this. And go on to wrap yourself in your smug righteousness.
But then you would be ignoring the fact that you are two WOMEN who have to keep working together, and that honesty is a hurtful policy that does not always serve you well in a work-place enviroment.
That is why we have the word "tact".
Telling the truth when asked is not tact?
If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask.
It's like the old joke about the poor husband being asked by his wife if her dress made her look fat...
"No dear" he replied to her glee, but then added: "The dress is fine; the fat makes you look fat"
Sorry, no deal. If you ask, be ready for an honest answer. It's absurd to do otherwise.0 -
The snivelers hate truth, because they feel threatened by it. No doubt they fear it in their own life, so they dare not tell another the truth - even is asked for an opinion.This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!
Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.
EXACTLY!!! Like I said - I got fat again because no one was brave enough or cared enough to tell me to do something about it! People are too soft on here - do you see half the reactions I'm getting?
That's where we have digressed into political correctness.
Everybody just wants an echo chamber of worthless cheer-leading.0 -
EXACTLY!!! Like I said - I got fat again because no one was brave enough or cared enough to tell me to do something about it! People are too soft on here - do you see half the reactions I'm getting?
Personally it doesn't matter to me what anyone else says to me. If they told me I was fat and needed to lose weight, I would just feel like crap. It would not inspire me to lose weight. I had enough of that in elementary and junior high school. Funny how those kids didn't inspire me to get fit.
I got fat because of many issues, but it had nothing to do with whether or not other people were telling me to do something about it.
I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have with this person. Is this important enough to you to risk losing the friendship if she reacts in a negative way? You can't control her reaction, even if you are doing this with the best of intentions.0 -
There is honesty. I'm an honest person, for the most part. I may even be considered blunt by some. But you can be honest without showing an utter disregard for the feelings of others.
For the OP, I'd say that the fact that you ask this question shows that you ARE concerned by how your approach will be viewed by others. You are pretty much getting the HONEST answer to that, right here and now.
All you have to do is be willing to listen to the same criticism you wish to dole out. You have your answer.
ETA: She *is* there. She likes herself, now. Today.0
This discussion has been closed.
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