I think my husband is trying to keep me fat.....

ashleab37

I'm sure he probably is trying to keep you fat. I've had a couple of boyfriends who did this, with one being particularly bad about it. It's a self esteem and security issue on his end. He's afraid if you lose weight guys will start flirting with you more and will give him competition, or that you may leave him for someone else once you're thin. You're going to have to address what the real issue is with him; just be ready for him to deny everything. He likely won't want to admit that it's based on his own insecurity. Be strong and don't give in to the temptations. Put your foot down and tell him how it's going to be!

^^^^THIS^^^^ My ex-husband use to do that all the time! Many years ago I lost over 100 pounds (since put most of it back on) and he told me that I had about as much sex appeal as the telephone pole across the street. He did seem to only look at women who were significantly overweight. After we divorced his next two girlfriends, and his next wife were all far larger than me.

I really think that he had a very low self esteem issue and needed to feel that no one else would want to look at me. Do whatever you have to do to keep on track...you are doing this for you and your health...he will either get on board or not. Try dumping some of that crap he is bringing home in the garbage so that he gets the message.

And FYI, my boyfriend also said that if I get too thin he's going to leave me because he prefers me with "extra meat." *sigh* I told him I'd probably burn a lot of calories helping him move his stuff out.

Sounds like a very healthy relationship. I really wonder why you said "boyfriend" and not "ex-boyfriend".

bjohs

I don't have an answer for you, but this is how I got my husband on board with me: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/501007-motivate-your-partner-alert-racy

If it isn't helpful for you and your husband, at least it might give you a good laugh. It sounds like one is needed right now. Hang in there, girl... you are doing this for you! Stay strong!

tnrunningnurse

so I am the type that the more that type of **** is brought in the harder I resisit...just to make a point.....so ..go out and bring in a bunch of healthy alternatives like fruit...when he brings out a brownie or cookie...you bring out an apple or orange...and then just smile real sweet at him while you eat it....oh and better yet under your breath say yumm.

christina0089

A few things:

1. Compromise: I've had to compromise a bit with my husband and dear daughter (she is 12). There is a list of food that we avoid bringing in the house (for example, I can pass up potato chips UNLESS it is Cool Ranch Doritos). If they do bring it in the house I don't know about it.

2. I don't know if your husband is overweight or not, but even if he is thin he can't be healthy eating all of this stuff. Maybe you could encourage him to eat better, but make some allowances. For example, maybe healthy stuff and then Friday night is pizza night and on Saturday night there is dessert after dinner.

3. Your husband could very well feel self-conscious or guilty about what he is eating. Maybe he feels bad eating junk along, but not with you. Or maybe he is worried that you won't want him anymore. My husband actually asked if I was going to find a "hot, rich man" when I lost all the weight. He said it in half-jest.

4. But when it comes down to it... alas... it is your problem to deal with. There will always be fatty huge portions of food. At restaurants, family gatherings, breakroom tables, etc.... You control your fork and as much as that sucks it is the truth. We can only change ourselves.

Couldn't have said it better!
You are in control over what you eat no matter what he brings home. just because you are on this journey does not mean he has to be so If he chooses to eat that crap let him, but you don't have to. And if his intentions really are to keep you fat he will soon realize you are serious when you don't eat the stuff and will eventually give up trying to tempt you.

goood luck :flowerforyou:

runninginpink

I used to weigh almost 250 pounds. I weighed more than my husband. I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told that I was pre-diabetic--a real wake-up call for me!

Over the past two years, I've lost 101 pounds....over 40% of my body weight. I've managed to keep every pound off. Today I weigh 147 pounds and am working on toning.

Not saying this will happen to you (because it's a horrible thing to say to anyone), but what happened to me is that after I lost the weight, my husband left me. He wasn't supportive of my efforts and even though he had agreed multiple times to be on board with me, he only made minimal exercise efforts and never gave up the soda habit (which he had promised he would do). He lost some weight, but didn't have results anywhere near mine. We had lots of sit-down talks about making lifestyle changes together, and he agreed he was on board every time, but he still would eat the same way he always did and make minimal efforts when we exercised together.

He finally broke down one day and just told me that he didn't want any part of this anymore and was leaving, and he did. I do think he was very intimidated that I would either (1) "make" him change, or (2) leave him. The funny thing is, I would have stuck with him through anything, regardless of whether I weighed 500 pounds or 100. He just didn't stick around to find that out.

Of course, my story does have a happy ending; I now have a great boyfriend. He and I are long-time friends, so he knows what I used to look like, and he thinks I'm just as attractive now as I was 100 pounds ago. He has been a fantastic fitness partner and is very supportive of my goals.

I just gave a speech two weeks ago about what it really means to lose 100 pounds. There are positives as well as negatives associated with it; it's not the fairy-tale that the weight-loss commercials and ads make it out to be. But in my life, the positive things that I've gained (confidence, mental and physical strength, the ability to inspire others) from losing the weight have vastly outweighed every single negative repercussion, no matter how dismal those negatives seemed at the time (e.g., snide remarks from others who are jealous/intimidated, others considering it "open season" on what I used to look like, losing my gall bladder, my husband leaving me). You do become a better, much stronger, more confident person who truly understands that anything you want in this world can be yours.

Don't give up; I wish you the best of luck with your situation and hope that all turns out well!

ShrinkRapt451

You can't change somebody else, only yourself. It makes little difference what he brings home; you are the master of what you eat.

This is true, on its face. You can't force him to eat a banana when what he wants is a cheesecake.

However, and several people have mentioned this (runninginpink's story is particularly clear on this point), when you unilaterally change the status quo in your relationship, there will always be a reaction. The type and strength will depend a lot on your relationship, and on how mature your partner is. Many people will frantically try to re-establish the status quo, which is what I think your hubby is probably doing. Whether or not they succeed is YOUR choice. Others will, for their own reasons, choose to abandon ship, either literally (leaving) or figuratively (balking). Some will enthusiastically jump aboard the train with you. Most of us settle down with people who are at about the same maturity level that we are. So if you really are growing yourself as a human while you're shrinking yourself as a physical body, either your partner grows too or you end up mismatched, which frankly feels wretched for both parties.

Honesty and positive reinforcement are good things. Respecting the rights of both people involved is a very good thing. But when you start the conversation with "I've already put up with years of your crap, can't you just give me a LITTLE respect, this once?".... well.... even if you don't say it out loud, it communicates. If it's worth it to you to save your marriage, focus on what you DO love about your husband and reinforce that. Ignore the rest for a while, and see what happens.

heatherallen1020

If I was you, I would defiantly have a talk with my husband and tell him if your not going to support me on my weight loss journey then I would appreciate it if you would not bring any junk food home for dinner. If you just feel you can't enjoy a healthy meal with me then I think I need to to start fixing my own meals separate from the family..See how he likes that my husband wouldn't..lol But no matter what decision he makes stick to your guns...THOSE EXTRA CALORIES ARE NOT WORTH IT..

BarbWhite09

Honestly, the dude probably just likes the food & wants to eat it...At the time he probably isn't thinking about the fact that you're trying to change your diet...Have a simple discussion with him...If he reacts in a negative manner then you have a problem. I highly highly highly doubt he's trying to "keep you fat"...

DieVixen

So because your on a diet he has to be to? unless he is sitting on your chest shoving food down your throat the only problem here is a willpower issue

DieVixen

I'm sure he probably is trying to keep you fat. I've had a couple of boyfriends who did this, with one being particularly bad about it. It's a self esteem and security issue on his end. He's afraid if you lose weight guys will start flirting with you more and will give him competition, or that you may leave him for someone else once you're thin. You're going to have to address what the real issue is with him; just be ready for him to deny everything. He likely won't want to admit that it's based on his own insecurity. Be strong and don't give in to the temptations. Put your foot down and tell him how it's going to be!

Yeah heres good advice you put your foot down and tell him because YOU need to lose weight he is no longer allowed to bring the food he enjoys into the house that is his house too

DieVixen

I don't think your hubby is trying to keep you fat...I know he is! I have the same problem with my mate. He is very small frame but I have gained a lot of weight since being with him. I can pretty much eat healthy foods but he likes to force me to eat the junk he likes such as candy bars, cereal and ice cream all times of the night and heavy fried foods. I commend you for having the will power not to give up even when temptation is not just knocking but slapping you in the face. Base on my experience with this, it is definitely a bug of insecurity biting.

omg im sorry so many posts but this one made me spit my water out. im sorry but how exactly does he force you? restraints?gun point?

runninginpink

However, and several people have mentioned this (runninginpink's story is particularly clear on this point), when you unilaterally change the status quo in your relationship, there will always be a reaction.

Not to split hairs, but I thought I was particularly clear that losing weight/living a healthier lifestyle was something that my former husband and I had discussed and agreed to do together, not a unilateral decision.

Everyone's relationship is different; we of course hope for the best, but ultimately must remember that we can only control our actions (and reactions).

Raven413

He may or may not be trying to sabbatage your success BUT, when all is said and done, you are in control. This is about you and what you are doing for yourself. You go girl, do your thing! It's all about you. He can support you or not, you will succeed!!!!!!

Redbird99ky

There has been alot of advice given on here, some helpful, some not so helpful. I'll toss my two cents in here, which may help or may not. Hopefully, it will.

I can see both your point of view and your husband's. I have been in support groups where the people got no support from family/home, and it DOES make it extremely difficult to stay on track. While I won't try and surmise what his motivation is, YOU must do what is necessary to keep YOUR motivation and determination up, until you can have a nice long talk with him (which you NEED to do).

There are some things that can help you in this respect.
1. Keep logging in to MFP. We can be your support group. To this end, feel free to send me (and my wife, Pammyky) a friend request. There are a number of really good, caring, considerate people on here who would be delighted to act as a confidante, helper, etc, that you can vent to when you are having some especially difficult times with him.
2. Recognize that YOU can't control the actions of others, only your response to them. Getting upset about what others do will only lead you into a vicious circle of resentment and (ultimately) failure.
3. If you are a spiritual person, ask God for His help in resisting temptation. (It really works) Having Him in your support group will help work wonders for you, and give you strength against temptation that you wouldn't believe.
4. If he is a spiritual person, remind him what Paul said about intentionally impeding another's growth "...that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way." (Romans 14:13 KJV)
5. If you need to have separate food, so be it. WE are the ones with the weight / health issues.
6. While it wouldn't be right to ask him to deny what he "wants" to eat, you could let him know (in a very loving way) that you would really appreciate it if he wouldn't bring YOU stuff you know is not good for you.


WHEN you have your talk with him, PLEASE do it with love and kindness, but be firm. Sit down with him, turn off the TV, put the kids to bed, take his hands in yours, and look straight into his eyes. Tell him how important this is to you. Let him know that on a scale of 1 to 10, this is a 12 in importance. Let him know how much you love him, and that you don't plan on leaving him when you reach your goal (assuming that it truly your stance), and that you just want to get healthy so that you can spend your years together growing old and going on adventures together, instead of going to the doctor's office or the drugstore together.
Let him know how much it would mean to you if you KNEW he was behind you 100% in achieving this goal, and that ACTIONS speak loudest. Let him know that you understand his point of view, but that this is a LIFELONG endeavor, not just a phase.

Relationships can be strained beyond belief when one struggles with demons, while the other can only (helplessly) watch. Platitudes and "encouraging words" can sometimes be extremely out of place, and sometimes it is worthwhile to not say ANYTHING. Ultimately, however, if your marriage is to survive this storm, you MUST communicate: HONESTLY, KINDLY, OPENLY, AND OFTEN. Sometimes us guys JUST DON'T GET IT the first or second or tenth time around, and it takes a few more training sessions before we finally see the light, but if his love for you is strong, he will eventually come around. Relationships are HARD WORK, but SO WORTH IT when you finally find yourself on the right track and the same path together!

While I couldn't fathom how it must be to not have spousal support in any venture, I must also say that there are things my wife can have that I cannot, but I will neither forbid her from bringing them in the house, nor will I forbid her from having them. I am the one with the issue, not her.

I hope these words have helped you, and if they do, please feel free to share any of these points with others to help them when you see fit.

MumOfGirlsOnly

My husband loves chips and chocolate and junk. He often tells me he doesn't need to lose weight therefore why should he miss out on food he enjoys.
I keep his junk on the top shelf in the cupboard so they are out of sight but I allow myself a treat everyday be it ice cream or chocolate because I'm afraid if I don't I will binge on his stash.

I dot think he is trying to keep me fat he is just trying to make me feel better about myself, food has always been a comfort thing for us. He tells me he loves me the way I am and doesn't see the fat the same way I do.

Shock_Wave

Sounds like he doesnt want to change. This can be a problem for people especially when they dont have the support from their significant other. Being healthy and exercising is a complete life style change mentally and physically and it most certainly can cause your relashionship to either grow closer together or drag you further apart depending on the other persons out take on the matter. Remember some people are just perfectly happy with their life and or life styles and unlike you see nothing wrong with it. This is generally where the issues of change come into play on a negative level. If this is you and if you are the cook of the family and hes not into your new diet change then you might want to make 2 seperate dinners to avoid conflict, but you really should discuss the radical change with him first. Just my 2 cents


Edit: After reading these posts there are to many ladies trying to think like a man and its either way way out there or way way off and its kind of funny actually LOL. There is no hidden way we think for you girls or some deep thought out hidden agenda haha. This is totally women trying to think like men and its super funny. Look we are men and men are simple minded and honestly most of us men/guys just want to eat what ever it is we want to eat and dont like to be told other wise, plain and simple as that. Sorry to break your hearts for those of you who got all deep. Here is a real manly piece of advice that some women here are trying to tell you to do but dont do it because its a really bad idea. DONT THROW HIS FOOD AWAY!! Just sayin this will not end well especially if he is going out and picking out the kind of foods he wants to eat and brings them home. You should really discuss this change with him and find a middle ground.

nammer79

LOL I can kinda relate my room mate also a family member that says supported things but the actions are completely the opposite… I see her point just because I need to lose weight and get into better shape doesn’t mean she needs to and should change the way she eats, but having the temptation in the house does make things a bit harder.

I have no real advice for you just stay strong and on track some people might want the best for you but don'e see a reason why they should change their habits or just have a hard time changing them.

Hang in there and keep up the good work!!!

hypersensitiveb

Sounds like the same week I had. Chocolate chip cookies followed by brownies, cookie/brownie mix, pizza, spice cake, then oat meal chocolate chip cookies today. What I did was took a very small piece of what was made logged it in then planned the rest of my food / exercise around it. I also keep healthy snacks around the house for me like fruit or yogurt for when I'm craving more later . My husband is starting to see my figure looking better and has seemed to be more on board today so I hope the rest of my family will be on board soon.

Shock_Wave

My suggestion, take the "crap" he is buying and THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE as soon as he brings it in the door!! He'll get the message. Go to the store by yourself and make healthy food choices. If he doesn't want to eat healthy that's fine, but don't bring it in the house. 'Nuf said.

^^ OP from a guy view here what ever you do DONT DO THIS.^^ Seriously this is the worst piece of advice ever for a couple who is not seeing eye to eye yet on your life style change.

jskaggs1971

OP, I feel sympathetic for you, but I'm going to have to take the other position here, just like I've had to take it in my own home.

For the rest of your life, you are going to be surrounded by food. It's everywhere, including the food you're trying to cut down on. Yes, it can be a real test of will to resist, but you have to learn to master yourself. OK, the girl scout cookies on the kitchen counter are calling to me, but I'm trying to leave them for my wife and daughter. I think you have to be able to deal with the "bad" food that's lying around, and know that you have the power to avoid the things that keep you from getting to where you want to go. Of course, we all slip up on that sometimes, but slipping up less is still a big step in the right direction.

Now, that doesn't excuse outright crummy behavior on your SO's part -- marriage is a team sport, and everybody has to give a little. I just think that a unilateral "I can't have it, so you shouldn't either" policy probably isn't workable for most couples. I try for something more along the lines of "Out of sight, out of mind," and try to make sure the junk food is harder to get to than the not-junk food, but that's what works for me.

Stay strong, stick to your goals, and your SO will come around eventually.