My Teenage Daughter

crisanderson27

Coming from personal experience, having been one of those teenagers, it will only cause resentment. (taking things away) I think talking to her about going to a therapist and taking her to one would be more helpful over all. They will talk about everything, including academics. An outside influence is usually best in this kind of situation. She could have a multitude of issues that you aren't even aware of.

EXACTLY.

please tread lightly & be cool - from what you say, your daughter sounds like she really needs her social outlet - but also some help. taking her phone away will piss her off and make her feel worse than she does right now. it's not that she should be able to "get away" with things, but her actions sound like crying out, to me.

Unfortunately, in just a few years...society is going to take this approach and cram it right down her throat. Part of a parents job is to PREPARE their children for the world. The world doesn't give a damn about your problems, your emotions, nor your issues. You tow the line, or you pay consequences (unless you're a celebrity of course, then you just claim drug addiction and go to rehab). If punishment for her OWN actions makes her angry and she lashes out, then punish that as well. There is an acceptable path, and an unacceptable.

you do not want to push her away. she is already separated from her mother, and no matter if that was for the best, it is a hurt that only those who have been there can understand.

do your best to MAKE HER FEEL LOVED and IMPORTANT.

keep her close - include her in more things in your home - her home - TALK to her more.

do not let her shut you out, thinking that you just do not understand. open the dialogues - she needs somebody to LISTEN.
better the people at home who love her than the kids at school.

i have a 13 yo daughter, and have been dealing w this kind of thing all year...i have been spending more time w her, talking to her more, etc., and her attitude and grades have improved a great deal.

do not give up on her - or she will give up on herself.

THIS I agree with 150%...but it is NOT exclusive from maintaining discipline and punishing bad behavior...rather, it's a REQUIREMENT to be able to properly punish a child. If the love an support is there, the punishments will be understood, if not immediately...then within a VERY short time period.

I'm sorry folks...the love and support IS necessary, but it goes hand in hand with the discipline and structure. Without the latter, you end up with entitled kids that feel that all those pesky rules in the world are unfair and don't apply to them anyway. My girlfriends daugher is a perfect example...14yrs old, failing most of her classes...because she truly believed they couldn't hold her back in 8th grade without her mother's permission. Unfortunately this is VERY TYPICAL of todays young teenagers. I could NEVER set my daughter up for that kind of failure...and amazingly enough, she loves me for the discipline and structure as much as for the love and support I've given her.

Something to think about.

dmwiseman

I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student.

It is probably a combination of things. All teens want to be liked by their peers. Sounds like no one has really held her accountable (in a good way) either. She may be trying to fit in. If she is ahead, she might be bored, if behind she may be trying to save face. She may have never studied before and may need help. As far a discipline l agree with wild child, though from the teachers viewpoint. Showing up really sends a message. We care, are invested and will not let you fail! Good luck. I truly believe teens can be tougher than twos!

YummyTpn

Coming from personal experience, having been one of those teenagers, it will only cause resentment. (taking things away) I think talking to her about going to a therapist and taking her to one would be more helpful over all. They will talk about everything, including academics. An outside influence is usually best in this kind of situation. She could have a multitude of issues that you aren't even aware of.

EXACTLY.

please tread lightly & be cool - from what you say, your daughter sounds like she really needs her social outlet - but also some help. taking her phone away will piss her off and make her feel worse than she does right now. it's not that she should be able to "get away" with things, but her actions sound like crying out, to me.

you do not want to push her away. she is already separated from her mother, and no matter if that was for the best, it is a hurt that only those who have been there can understand.

do your best to MAKE HER FEEL LOVED and IMPORTANT.

keep her close - include her in more things in your home - her home - TALK to her more.

do not let her shut you out, thinking that you just do not understand. open the dialogues - she needs somebody to LISTEN.
better the people at home who love her than the kids at school.

i have a 13 yo daughter, and have been dealing w this kind of thing all year...i have been spending more time w her, talking to her more, etc., and her attitude and grades have improved a great deal.

do not give up on her - or she will give up on herself.

I agree with the above...I am a counsellor in private practice and I see lots of teens with a variety of issues.

I also agree with seeing the taking away of privileges as only a part of what you might do, not just the only thing you do...Yes it's important to maintain boundaries and consequences...She should still know that bad behaviour isn't an acceptable way to respond to her feelings and experiences.

Having said that...There's no way that a child that lived through what you described your step-daughter lived through, and not have some kind of feelings about it, at minimum, that are confusing and overwhemling. At maximum, she may be reeling from the trauma cause by the environment with her mom. She's very young and may be unsure what to do with the big feelings she might be having as a result... So, seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea...I'm an art therapist and this is aften popular with teens as well, as it's non-confrontational and allows teens to open up at their own pace and with them being in charge, not another adult telling them what to do and who to be.

Another point I want to make is to really see her from a strengths-based point-of-view. That is, find out what her talents and interests are, and exploit them! If she likes art, sign her up for an art class, take her to a gallery. If she likes soccer, suggest joining a community team, going ot games with her, whatever. Once she channels her energy into an interest that she enjoys and is enthusiastic about, it will only help to enhance her self-confidence, which will play a big role in helping her navigate what she's going through.

Also, does she spend any one-on-one time with her father? That would be good, and if he could do it on a regular basis. This way, he lets her know she's still important to him (especially since her mother's kind of out-of-the picture, and if you and he have other children). Once she knows for sure how much her dad loves and cares about her, this will also help her to build self-esteem, identity, and confidence. She needs to know she's special to him and it's one thing to say it, but another to show it by consistently making time for her and her only. The same could go for you and her, it can't hurt for her to have some bonding time with her stepmom, with her mom unavailable.

I hope this helps. Message me if you have any other questions I might be able to help with. And good luck!

xHelloQuincyx

it sounds like she needs help, not her phone taken away.

i acted just like that before being diagnosed with ADD. concerta turned me from a C average to getting into college. i now have a 3.8!
if your not for drugs then you need to look at other ways you can help her. example: doing homework together at set times, study groups, new organization filing cabnit and agenda, sylvin learning center, guidence councler (to see if there is a different problem causing this)


im a child development major now, and (no offence) 'punishment' makes me sick. children repete behavior because it is working for them. they get the reaction they want etc. when something isnt working there is either a 1. lack of fit (needs to go to a different school) 2. unmet needs (need therapist, homework help, set schedual) or 3. lack of skill (pushing child to do something that is developmentaly unapropriate)

crisanderson27

im a child development major now, and (no offence) 'punishment' makes me sick. children repete behavior because it is working for them. they get the reaction they want etc. when something isnt working there is either a 1. lack of fit (needs to go to a different school) 2. unmet needs (need therapist, homework help, set schedual) or 3. lack of skill (pushing child to do something that is developmentaly unapropriate)

That's interesting...so the concept is, if they act out...send them to another school, send them to counselling, or assume they are incapable?

Yes, I over simplified, but...I'm sorry, I disagree completely.

It's amazing all of the incredibly resourceful, intelligent, caring, supportive, STRONG, and admirable people (I'm talking about my late 50yr old parents and back) that were raised in a household where if you screwed up, you paid consequences for it. And it's even more amazing that in todays world of enablement, counselling (yes, I believe in counselling...when my ex left last April and moved 800 miles away from her children then filed for custody...and lost, the first thing I did was signed myself, my daughter, and my two sons up for family counselling), medications, child development specialists, and 'give to get' parenting...how many kids disrespect their elders, their teachers (or try to murder them...seriously), don't care, and all around feel that they 'deserve' some special treatment just because they are who they are.

When will people realize that life in general and our society in specific doesn't accomodate those kinds of people, and all that will be gained if we DO manage to force our society to accomodate those kinds of people, is the ruination of the specific ideals that made our country great to begin with.

No offense.

honeysprinkles

I'm not a parent (obviously) but being that I'm 19, it wasn't all that long ago that I was in her position. I did a lot of the same things that she did at that age (8th/9th grade), talking in class, passing notes, not really caring a lot about school work. I think it's just a part of being that age. It only took getting a little older and a little more mature to realize that there is a time to socialize and a time to be a student. It might also be a good idea to get her interested in her future. Start talking about what she wants to do after high school, what kind of career she wants, etc. to get her focused on her goals. When I realized that going to college was important to me, I realized that the types of classes that I took and the grades that I got were also important. Maybe the same will happen for her?

keyboardwench

Not a parent either, just a 19 year old psychology student. I'm a little worried by how you originally seemed focused on punishment. Some of these points I copied from my notes, it's a little weird of me XD

In psychology/behaviour modification punishment has benefits obviously:
-increase in social behaviour
-improvement in mood – paradoxical as punishment is usually aversive
-increase attention to the problem

However it has problems:
-punishment of inappropriate behaviour does not increase appropriate behaviour
-person delivering the punisher can become a discriminative stimulus (she could come to fear/resent out)
-may cause avoidance of the person delivering the punisher
-elicits a strong emotional response
-can elicit aggressive behaviour in return
-punishment can be inherently reinforcing for the person delivering it
- Can produce undesirable emotions
- Only suppresses behaviour
- Can cause situation/people to become conditioned to punishers
- Positive reinforcement could be neglected .

Really we say that punishment should only be used as a last resort, when the behaviour occurs so often there is no good behaviour to reinforce (crudely, to reward), when the nature/intensity of the behaviour leads to serious questions of safety, and when the use of reinforcement is not effective because other more powerful reinforcers are causing the problems.

Instead I suggest that you attempt to reinforce (reward, increase existing behaviours that you want to see more of) her good school behaviours that currently exist. Talk with her, let her know about the situation and your concerns, and as well let her know that she could get some great things out of this if she does her work well - other then the great benefit of increasing her knowledge. Obviously you can't take her shopping every time she does her homework so try setting up a token economy.
- tokens can be points/stickers/poker chips/something to represent and reward each of good behaviours. Give the token for each behaviour you have specified as what you two are working on and have agreed to, and when she accumulates enough (set that number too) let her exchange all the tokens for a larger reinforcement such as a new pair of jeans and shirt.

That's the behaviour modification look at it, but also don't forget to talk to her about the issue, see what's on her mind, let her know you're concerned and discuss possible new plans. Hope this helps somewhat.

Vi0l33t

Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.

My parents often had to resort to taking basically anything that was distracting, or fun from me when I was having the same problems with my academics. I often lost books, art supplies, phone privileges, and the like. eventually it started working.

BrendaLee

I've been through this exact thing with my daughter -- right down to struggling to find a punishment during phases when she didn't have much of a social life.

First, as far as school goes, I would recommend setting up an appointment with her guidance counselor. A one-on-one between her counselor and herself would be ideal, but make sure you let him/her know in advance about her issues and what you would like him/her to discuss with your daughter. These are pretty common issues, and her guidance counselor should have some tips and tricks to help her become a better student. Also, ask her teachers to seat her at the front of the class and away from distractions. It is nearly impossible to focus in class if you're sitting close to a friend/acquaintance who likes to gab or pass notes.

As for punishment, I'd go easy on that, since she doesn't really seem to have done anything too serious. It's perfectly fine, though, to make her earn rewards such as a cell phone or internet time. Focus on the positive aspects of doing well in school. Kids want to do well, even if they're not always motivated to do so. Offer rewards for a job well done. You'll probably have to be diligent in making sure homework gets done every night. If she doesn't have one already, get her a homework book, and make sure she's writing down her homework for each class. You can also set something up with her teachers to have them sign the homework book to make sure she's actually writing it down.

It really comes down to maintaining good communication with the school and being persistent in making sure she's doing what she needs to do. I would recommend getting her involved in something that she enjoys outside of school -- dance, art, music. Being a part of something is great for the self-esteem.

groovyfirechick

I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student.

Now there is a creative father!!

kitkatwag

Coming from personal experience, having been one of those teenagers, it will only cause resentment. (taking things away) I think talking to her about going to a therapist and taking her to one would be more helpful over all. They will talk about everything, including academics. An outside influence is usually best in this kind of situation. She could have a multitude of issues that you aren't even aware of.

I agree that taking things at this age like the phone or computer can lead to resentment.
I am dealing with 2 teenage girls at the moment, both my birth kids. The oldest lives with her dad just a mile away. Anyway, my youngest is haveing some big issues. We have not seen them so much in her grades and to be honest she was doing a good job of masking the whole thing. Therapy may be an option but you need to try to talk to her first to see if there is a root that ya;ll can solve together. My dauaghter decided to confide in the nurse practitioner that we see. he is kinda young cool to her. he tried to get her to go to couseling and it caused anger. I would try the talking then maybe even spending more time together. Whith what she has witnessed there could be lots of stuff going on in her head.

with all that said. Continue to encourage and praise the fact that other than the grades she is a good kid. Mine are too, they both know lots of kids that are doing things that are not good and will not lead to a good future. Be sure to remind them that you know they are making right choices. Feel free to msg me if you want to talk more

hikezilla

What kind of grades is she getting? Maybe she's just bored and the school can't deal with it.

castadiva

When I was younger, I was always getting kicked out of class, forgetting homework, talking in class, getting bad reports home from teachers...The teachers wanted me put on ADD meds (in my opinion because they thought it would shut me up, not because I actually had ADD), but the truth is, I was just bored.

Yep, she could be bored. Another question, what about her friends? Are they just "getting by" or "passing"? That doesn't help either. I had friends like too. Once they placed my in more challenging classes, I was now competing against those who were excelling. "Not being the laziest" then became my incentive. It will help her build her competitiveness.

I think this is a huge issue with her. She has a tendency to seek out the people she was used to growing up around, not the go getters and the doers. We would like to get her in more activities so she meets more goal achieving kids.

I don't think anyone else has raised this, but have you asked who she's texting? If she's new to the area, new-ish to the school, not involved in very much, she's probably texting her old friends at her old school. That's totally understandable, if she's lonely and feeling 'fish out of water', albeit the classroom is not the appropriate time or place. If she doesn't have many friends in her new location, she'll be even more keen to make sure she stays in touch with the old ones. Presumably her phone is her main way of contacting both old friends, and her mother and sister? I would think very, very carefully about taking that away from her - you risk making her feel that you are trying to alienate her from her old life, and her mother in particular, and withdrawing a support system that may be helping her to get through this period of change. Someone also made the very valid point that a lot of academic work now requires internet use, indeed some schools distribute assignments exclusively online, so be careful with restricting that, also!

That said, I would strongly advocate getting her involved in a few activities at her new school. Definitely check on the boredom factor - if she's bright, even if she has missed a few things, she's likely to be bored in class, and if her grades are only average, intellectual ability may not be picked up on.

You may also want to look into a tutor to go over certain things with her - particularly in maths, sciences and foreign languages, it's easy to miss one or two things that are critical building blocks, and it undermines understanding and performance in the entire subject. Trust me on this one - I was Ivy-League waitlisted at 14, yet failed Calculus completely because I missed some lessons on fractions through ill health aged 9... It haunted my maths and science results to the end of my schooling. If she's moved around a bit, there will be gaps, and teachers almost certainly either won't pick up on it/won't know her history to look for it/won't have time to do anything about it. (By the way, I was also fiendishly disorganised, still am to an extent. Teachers hate it, but it's not really the end of the world. If it's something she cares about, she'll organise it.)

If she's basically a good kid, positive reinforcement is likely to be more effective than punishment. The latter will only breed resentment, particularly if she has a wilder older sister who experiences no consequences for her actions. I like the suggestions about talking to her about college/taking a few campus tours as well. Show her what she could achieve, then give her the tools to do it.

Escarda

Wow, no offense but you sound like a *****..
I moved out of my parents at 16.
If at 15, they had tried to take my phone, i would of laughed in their faces.

missy787

Here is a thought. I only speak from experience. Maybe have her checked for ADHD. I could not focus, was always forgetting things, talking, and always off task. So.... Maybe take her to the Dr, and ask about getting her tested. It sure can't hurt, and if there is nothing wrong then you know it is surely just laziness! Good luck!

UsedToBeHusky

A reward system might be better in this situation. Find something that she likes (educational or non-educational, whatever works) and offer her a reward for improving on her grades. Also, help her develop an organizational system of her own. You don't so much want to tell her what to do as guide her with it. Let her figure out how to make it work so she will take ownership of it. That's my best advice for dealing with a pre-teen. Mine will be 13 over the summer and I still struggle with her at times. But be patient. Try to treat her with respect and maturity. Avoid treating her like a child as much as possible. The more she feels like she is being treated like a child, the less she is going to cooperate. Just keep that in mind.

XXXMinnieXXX

Talking in class, not turning in work, totally disorganized, good kid in every other way. That is my son who has ADHD and Aspergers. Coincidentally, very similar situation with his Mom.

Same here. Although with my step son you can tell in other ways he has aspergers, taking everything literally, very young acting for his age. There could be so many reasons for this behaviour, typical teenager, rebelling after everything she has witnessed. I'd make time for girl time with her, and try to find out what's going on. Maybe counselling is the answer. I don't believe punsihment is the right way to go. The kids been through a lot, and if its messed her up a little that's really not her fault. Maybe she just needs extra care and guidance for now x

honeysprinkles

Wow, no offense but you sound like a *****..
I moved out of my parents at 16.
If at 15, they had tried to take my phone, i would of laughed in their faces.

Saying "no offense" doesn't make it any less offensive.
And your last comment shows that you had absolutely no respect for your parents, so I don't think anyone would be too interested in taking your advice. I also don't understand how 16 is an appropriate age to move out!

Heaven71

Social networking is the issue. Unlimited phone and internet is the worst thing parents have ever done to children. Mine is 16 going on 17, she has a phone that can only be used with Wifi and that's only when we are somewhere that it's free. We don;t have internet accessible at home, she does not need it. She had a phone with a limited text plan, we restricted it to, 4pm-9pm during the week and 7am-11pm on weekends but her grades slipped. We took the phone completely last semester and she is now an honor roll student again.

Kids are not mature and responsible enough to handle all of the responsibility that parents lay on them. In a way it's almost a way of getting them out of your hair I guess.

honeysprinkles

Social networking is the issue. Unlimited phone and internet is the worst thing parents have ever done to children. Mine is 16 going on 17, she has a phone that can only be used with Wifi and that's only when we are somewhere that it's free. We don;t have internet accessible at home, she does not need it. She had a phone with a limited text plan, we restricted it to, 4pm-9pm during the week and 7am-11pm on weekends but her grades slipped. We took the phone completely last semester and she is now an honor roll student again.

Kids are not mature and responsible enough to handle all of the responsibility that parents lay on them. In a way it's almost a way of getting them out of your hair I guess.

The only downside that I see to that approach is this: what happens when they go off to their first year of college and are suddenly all on their own? No one is there to tell you to go to class, to do your assignments, to quit texting all day, etc. You want them to be able to find moderation on their own, you have to let them learn how to do that without it being forced because otherwise when the parents aren't there it could cause problems!

My mom was always more relaxed and trusting and I've had a lot less problems handling my responsibilities than some of my friends who had very strict parents.