My Teenage Daughter

Nattiejean57

Ok I think this may have gotten way out of control. She does not have ADD/ADHD so that is not an issue.

Basically I was looking for some more creative ways to get her motivated and yes discipline her. We decided to take her phone a few hours a day (while she is at school) but giver her money incentives when she earns good grades. She can also earn getting her phone back.

She has been through some things but she communicates very well with us. I'm not worried how she is going to turn out she has a good head on her shoulders. She does worry about her mom and sister but she is a natural care giver so we are encouraging her to make her self a priority.

Thanks for all the advice

castadiva

I agree with this, in part. What I disagree with mostly is the part regarding the enforcement of the law. You mentioned 'if' a whole lot there as a means to get out of that circumstance, and that 'if' isn't going to do a damn thing for your insurance rates. There are other, less dangerous (to others) circumstances as well that would cause issue with the law, but if you can't see the correlation between the one I listed and this, you won't see the correlation with any others.

Oh, I see the correlation, I just don't think the two are directly comparable. I guess the point I was trying to make is that you would, in the situation you described, at least want your side of the story heard, and the extenuating circumstances considered where possible. It's a good model for justice, and, I think we agree, judging from the rest of your post, a good model for raising kids.

As for the parts I agree with...of course you have to make the girl understand that IF the grades don't come up, there will be punishment. I was assuming they were past that because the woman was asking for further forms of punishment to lever the girl into doing what was needed. The discussion part of this is clearly past. YES she may have other issues, but the punishments need to stand...and the opening (or widening) of lines of communication and support need to be concentrated on as well. I'm not saying beat the poor girl, I'm saying create consequences for her behavior, and stick to them like glue. When the behavior improves, you can not only give her the reward, you can further positively reinforce the behavior with other priveleges that she may not have had to begin with. Dinner out for her favorite food with her Dad, trips to a salon with her step mom...whatever. Positive reinforcement IS critical, for the new behaviors to be learned willingly, but negative consequences are absolutely mandatory as well.

The other thing I agree with is discussing the reasons, this is CRITICAL...but the fact is that negative actions have negative consequences (regardless of the reasons for those actions), and not modeling that to your child is hurting them far more than it is helping them. You instill the sense of right and wrong in your children at an early age...with the understanding that there will be consequences for the wrong. I understand that this girl hasn't had that due to her mothers issues...but it's never too late to begin...as a loving parent, to make a child understand these things. Part of that involves enforcing those consequences. Words clearly haven't helped this girl (I'm 150% positive the OP and her husband have talked to the girl about her school work and grades), and so further action is necessary.

To be honest, I don't think we're as far off in our beliefs as our arguments may indicate. Reason and consideration are absolutely necessary when raising a child, but just as necessary are punishments (or more accurately put, enforcement of consequences).

I don't think we are far apart at all - maybe going from different starting assumptions. The way I read the OP, the issues hadn't really been discussed or the reasons investigated, and we seem to agree that it is important that they are. It's always a relief to find that one perhaps has more in common than one might originally have thought with someone who debates and argues their case clearly, as you do. Have a good day, and to the OP, the very best of luck!