My rant: Unsolicited Parenting Advice...

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  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    Hmmmmm. I'm glad I read some of the reponses before reponding. I dont' share the general sentiment here on this thread. But, would be better discussed one on one so I could make my intentions clear and be understood rather than being taken way out of context.

    You don't have to agree with the general sentiment. You raise your children (if you have them) the way you see fit... I'll raise mine as I see fit.
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    Let me first state... I effing hate unsolicited advice. Just so we're clear on that.

    This weekend, friends and I gather with our children ranging in age from 5-15. My son is 5. He got hit in the face with a basketball - rather hard, his cheek is still blue with a bruise. He comes in crying, I put him on my lap, hug him, someone gives me an ice pack, I tell him he's going to be just fine, etc... About 5-10 minutes later, he's back outside playing.

    Two men of the group begin to tell me how I need to make a man out of him and tell him he's fine and to shake it off, not hug him or "coddle him" when this happens. I sit quietly as they continue to discuss this insulting me to my face, stating things like "Seriously, what does he play with dolls and barbies too? You're making him into a homo!"

    Now, one of these men is 44, single, with no children, and abused as a child. Frankly, I don't like him at all, but that's not the point. He particularly has no right dispensing advice.

    After remaining silent, there's a lull and I simply say, "That was fun, I hope you enjoyed yourself. But I'm not taking parenting advice today. Probably not tomorrow, either, just so you're aware." Smiled, and walked away. I'd have rather taken a ridge hand straight to his trachea.

    I will parent as I see fit. I do not need anyone's opinion on how I choose to raise my child. Not only that, but It's insulting to think that how I behave has any bearing on whether or not my child is going to be gay... and I'd love him just as much regardless.

    Rant over. /sigh

    Congratulations to you on keeping your calm I think you handled it extremely well. I'm like you, I absolutely hate unsolicited parenting advice. Hugging your son and taking care of him after he got hurt is not going to make him a sissy. My son is now 25 years old and as a single mom, I used to do the same thing you did. My son also played with dolls, not so much Barbie dolls but baby dolls. I always said he would grow up to be a good daddy some day. Playing with dolls and getting hugs from me when he got hurt didn't make him gay. He's straight. He's not a daddy but he has a younger neice and nephew that adores their Uncle Steve. So you keep right on raising your son the way you feel is the right way and he will grow up to be just fine.
  • MelissR75
    MelissR75 Posts: 760 Member
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    I will comfort my kids no matter how old they are! And who ever doesnt like it can fk off!! (:
  • DaveJ_43
    DaveJ_43 Posts: 139 Member
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    Wow. What a couple of offensive jerks. I love how you handled them though - you didnt let them get away with it and you schooled them with a lot of style and class. GOOD for YOU!!

    I really dislike the use of the terms "homo" or "gay" as insults. My sons (ages 15, 12, 8) use them from time to time against each other - I think its something they pick up from their friends - and I'm frequently telling them, "being gay does not make you a bad person ... "
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
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    Hmmmmm. I'm glad I read some of the reponses before reponding. I dont' share the general sentiment here on this thread. But, would be better discussed one on one so I could make my intentions clear and be understood rather than being taken way out of context.

    You don't have to agree with the general sentiment. You raise your children (if you have them) the way you see fit... I'll raise mine as I see fit.

    That's fine. I was wondering though if you took it the wrong way. i wasn't there, so I don't know. But, it sounds like something I might say to you as a mom, but not really mean that's what you do. It's just macho guy BS. That's all. If I said that, and you got all offended, I'd be werided out by that, because that's not how I would intend that conversation to end up.

    I think in our society, people are way way way way way too sensitive about things. I'm not saying you are. Again, I wasn't there. I just don't see it as a big deal at all. If it was me, I would have laughed and joked with the guys about it while I was coddling my 5-year-old son. I don't take things so personally as others do because I think that most poepl ein general are full of *kitten* anyway. So, it doesn't mean anything.

    the only time I really take things personally is when I care about someone, and they are delivering a difficult message to me about something, like telling me I've been a jerk or a bad friend lately or something. then, I'll feel bad and take it personally. But, if some a$$hat is making a comment like that, I'd just just joke with them and let it roll. I don't see the big deal with it. that's all.
  • bigdogc23
    bigdogc23 Posts: 66
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    Hey I got plenty of mommy hugs when I was a kid and I think I'm a pretty tough SOB. I also think because of my mom and her mommy love, I became a very loving father that loves and one hand and discipline with the other and would stand strong in the face of any devil to protect them. There are times that as a parent you have to "coddle" as you say and there are times you look them in the eye and tell them to suck it up. He is 5 years old, I think basketball in the face that left a bruise warrants mommy love by all means. Sound like a couple of losers giving advice. Wish I were there, I would gladley have said something to them.
  • boggsmeister
    boggsmeister Posts: 292 Member
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    I am a big fan of the brush it off and get back on the horse method of dealing with minor injuries. Whether you get a little cuddling in too is usually a matter of what the child needs at the moment. The important part is getting back out there and not letting it get the best of you. You so did the right thing. IMHO,

    Oh yeah, and telling those *kitten* clowns off was a good move too.
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    Tell them Chuck Norris's Mom hugged him when he got hurt, Til he was 35..NOW WHAT!


    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love that!!
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
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    You hate unsolicited advice but give unsolicited opinions freely.....hmm.

    That's the thing about opinions....they don't HAVE to be solicited.

    The "Snarky and Passive-Aggressive" section is down the hall and to the left.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
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    Ugh, I HATE people who assume boys should have the emotions of a steel bar, especially when they assume that of young children. Your boys are NOT 'sissy' for crying - they are human. And to the *kitten*, even if they do/did play with barbies and 'girl toys', that means nothing. Absolutely nothing. Masculinity/femininity is somewhat subjective and usually based on ridiculous and small minded ideals.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
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    Oh, and OP, you dealt with your son's upset perfectly. You didn't 'coddle' him. That would have been making a huge fuss and making him come inside to sit on the couch while you wait on him hand and foot.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
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    The only thing witholding love will accomplish is turning your child into an emotionally detached messed up kid.

    ^^^Spot on. I am a big fan of attachment parenting, and this is one of the main basis' for the philosophy. Detaching from your child doesn't create a secure and strong child. It just doesn't. Children need security, particulary in their early years, as it shapes their world and allows them to develop emotionally/socially/intellectually without having to be 'grown up' all the time.
  • monty619
    monty619 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    Let me first state... I effing hate unsolicited advice. Just so we're clear on that.

    This weekend, friends and I gather with our children ranging in age from 5-15. My son is 5. He got hit in the face with a basketball - rather hard, his cheek is still blue with a bruise. He comes in crying, I put him on my lap, hug him, someone gives me an ice pack, I tell him he's going to be just fine, etc... About 5-10 minutes later, he's back outside playing.

    Two men of the group begin to tell me how I need to make a man out of him and tell him he's fine and to shake it off, not hug him or "coddle him" when this happens. I sit quietly as they continue to discuss this insulting me to my face, stating things like "Seriously, what does he play with dolls and barbies too? You're making him into a homo!"

    Now, one of these men is 44, single, with no children, and abused as a child. Frankly, I don't like him at all, but that's not the point. He particularly has no right dispensing advice.

    After remaining silent, there's a lull and I simply say, "That was fun, I hope you enjoyed yourself. But I'm not taking parenting advice today. Probably not tomorrow, either, just so you're aware." Smiled, and walked away. I'd have rather taken a ridge hand straight to his trachea.

    I will parent as I see fit. I do not need anyone's opinion on how I choose to raise my child. Not only that, but It's insulting to think that how I behave has any bearing on whether or not my child is going to be gay... and I'd love him just as much regardless.

    Rant over. /sigh

    haha thats how my mom was too, if my dad was around he wouldnt give a damn lol. the mom is always nice, caring, loving etc. and the dad is always a **** thats how boys grow up... er atleast how i grew up. and its a good balance
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    You hate unsolicited advice but give unsolicited opinions freely.....hmm.

    That's the thing about opinions....they don't HAVE to be solicited.

    The "Snarky and Passive-Aggressive" section is down the hall and to the left.

    Sista! I feel like we haven't talked in ages!! *smooches*
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 572 Member
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    A good "Go *kitten* Yourself" would have been fantastic.
  • goodasgoldilox165
    goodasgoldilox165 Posts: 333 Member
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    This may not have been about your parenting or your son's future orientation...I think that they were probably a bit envious!:smile:
  • WifeNMama
    WifeNMama Posts: 2,876 Member
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    My sister in law's (now ex) boyfriend was telling her not to baby my son while she was babysitting him. Apparently it was too girly that he wanted to pick a bouquet of dandelions to surprise me with. My son was 2!!!
    Please don't ruin my kid's generous and caring heart, thanks.
  • wdmom
    wdmom Posts: 24 Member
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    OP, you did right.

    All children need affection and comfort. It doesn't matter how old.

    I have two girls. They are independent (age appropriately of course) and confident at ages 8 and 12. One of my hubby's coworkers told him long ago that they are confident because we gave them lots of cuddles and comfort when they were little. When they cried we held them. When they were shy, we didn't force them. Now they can venture into the world knowing that they have us to come back to at any time if things get overwhelming. And yes, we still cuddle them and comfort them and hug them and tell them we love them. My hubby regularly cuddles up on the couch to spend time with one or the other of them.

    The other day my 8 year old came home from school saying "I don't want to talk about my day. I just want to go to my room." She was sobbing in her room. My hubby knocked on the door and said she didn't have to talk, he wondered if she wanted a hug. My hubby rocks!!

    A few weeks ago, my 8 year old lost control of her scooter on a hill. Arms and legs everywhere. She landed on her head. Her bicycle helmet broke from the impact. I was walking a ways behind her. I ran to her. I am so grateful to the kind young women who stopped to see if she was alright until I got to her. Strangers comforted my child. By the way, she just had a couple of scrapes on her shoulder and face. Thank goodness for the helmet. I was able to phone Grandma to pick us up even though my girl was willing to walk the 2 miles home.

    I was upset about a mistake I made the other day and my hubby hugged me and comforted me. Did I say he rocks?

    Anyway, the point is that showing love and caring to people is the right thing to do. My hubby, his dad and his brother are men's men. So are my 3 brothers. Every one of them would go out of his way to comfort a child in pain. They are not afraid to show love and caring to their kids or spouses. It doesn't have to be mushy but a hug, a kind word, a band-aid a cuddle or a joke to distract from the pain when needed are totally the right thing to do.
  • andreanicole686
    andreanicole686 Posts: 406 Member
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    I think you did the right thing! Ignore idiots, don't let them bother you.
  • wdmom
    wdmom Posts: 24 Member
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    Oh, and in case you think my kids are girly girls... My 12 year old will take on most kids her age in paintball or laser tag and win. She has excellent aim. Dad has been teaching her paintball since she was 3 and hit every target on the range. And yet, she is very kind and empathetic and competent to care for babies.

    So there. Boys can do anything girls can do. Girls can do anything boys can do. It says nothing about your sexuality.

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