is it "disrespectful" to not have kids?
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on another website forum, i just got b****ed out for not wanting to have kids. i was really taken aback and i gave my reasons. what i got back was three different people saying i'm horrible for not wanting kids and its very disrespectful to not have kids. they really got mean.
i dont think i'm "disrespectful" or horrible. my reasons for not wanting kids are well thought out. i dont think anyone should have kids unless they want to. i used to be in child care and i love kids. i think other peoples kids are great. i just know i'm not going to be a good mom and i shouldnt be made to feel bad about that.
maybe i'm just being sensitive.
It's really no ones business but your own whether or not you want children... but I know several people that said the same thing you did and now that they are hitting the age of it could be too late they are regretting not having them. I couldnt imagine my life without mine no matter how choatic life gets! Alot of people see it as selfish to not have children, especially those who cant have them. Obviously you have your reasons, it doesnt make you a horrible person but it will make for a lonely life without them. I know some that regret never having them and seeing their friends gathering with their children on special occasions and having their own personal system really bums them out now. In the long run, you have to do what makes YOU happy!
I'm 31, no kids, no plan on ever having kids. My fiance & I enjoy each others company, & we have friends, we can throw dinner parties, all night gaming sessions, whatever the hell we want, without having to worry about making other arrangements for children.
My life is anything BUT lonely, & I would like to make sure that EVERYONE is aware what an inconsiderate statement that is.
How would you like it if someone said that having children would make their life hell? Or it would make their life worthless? Because if I was to have children, that's EXACTLY what I would feel like about my life. But I don't assume that everyone is in the same boat & would feel the same way I would.0 -
I think it is just as selfish to have children because you want them
I had kids because I wanted them, Sure, I never planned to have 4 but hey, thats life. People go to great lengths to have children but it is often driven by a selfish want rather than a selfless act for the sake of humanity.
Infact, the most selfish people I know are parents.
What about parents who are raising their children on the 'system', or who had a bunch of kids because they wanted them and are now living beyond their means? I think that these scenarios are more selfish than a women or a couple choosing not to have children?
What next? Are Gay people are selfish because they are in same sex relationships and therefore not fufilling their duty to procreate?0 -
Wow. Really?
I think it's your choice and you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone at all. It's no one's business as to WHY you don't want to. I'm sorry you got *****ed out.
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Disrespectful nope, selfish yep, but I don't say that to be mean. I'd say the reson most people don't want kids can be considered selfish (at least the one's I know), but I don't have an issue with that. It is your own choice, and in fact IF you don't want them then more power to ya.
As I said in my previous comment - I have multiple reasons for not wanting kids. My mother should not have had children & I worry I'll turn into her, there's health problems in my family that are hereditary, my lifestyle & dreams don't allow for children, the world is a ****hole & I wouldn't want to subject a child to that, &, most importantly - I DON'T WANT TO.
out of 5 reasons, 2 of them are selfish. The other 3 are taking the kids life into consideration. How is me being childfree selfish??0 -
Disrespectful nope, selfish yep, but I don't say that to be mean. I'd say the reson most people don't want kids can be considered selfish (at least the one's I know), but I don't have an issue with that. It is your own choice, and in fact IF you don't want them then more power to ya.
Please elaborate on this?0 -
Some of the parents I know would have been less selfish if they hadn't had the children they wanted.
I'm selfish because I wanted more than one. Serves me right I guess that I then got 4!
I think the choice to not have children is a modern and empowered one. That scares some of the stone age cronies on forums!0 -
Oh goodness, it's every person's individual right to decide whether or not to have children.
I knew from an early age that I wanted children, and I have a 6 month old daughter, and I'm perfectly happy with just her. My husband wants one more, but I feel as though it would be irresponsible of us to have another child. We can provide for our daughter, but I don't want to risk not being able to provide for another child.
If you are satisfied with your life, then that's what matters. You should make YOU happy, not everyone else. It's your body.0 -
The decision to not have kids is a tough one. I myself do not want kids. This decision is one that plays with your mind almost every day. Finding and meeting the perfect woman (like i have) who also doesnt want kids. The choice is all yours.
I couldn't imagine having kids now, or in the future. I want alot in life and as selfish as that sounds i want my life without children. Not just any children because i have a coupld god children, nieces and nephews and i love them all very much. I just like being able to send them home with their parents. I have friends whos kids i love very much. I see some of my friends kids and think wow those kids are amazing children. But in reality they have amazing parents who have taught them to be the person they are today. I also know that those amazing children aren't always amazing and i happen to see more of the amazing then the parents do.
I want to be able to travel, and live life to its fullest (hence one of the reasons im on this site). I want to be able to go here and there when i want and not be tied down with a child. I have many many reasons and have thought about this a long time.
the down side is getting old and not having your children there to help you. Although i have watched several people have their children crap on them as they get older and basically think im only here because they are close to death and my name is in that will. I have enough children in my life im comfortable that one of them will step up and help me when i get older, and if they dont, then with the money i save from not having children will go to some wonderful aide that will help me.
Your decision like mine isn't the normal and popular choice. I have also had people tell me that they cant believe i dont want kids. they have made many of comments about my choice, to which my reply is i didn't judge you when you had your kids, dont judge me when i dont have mine.
continue your life the way you want it. after all it is your life. you have to make the decisions that you feel are best for you.0 -
Honestly, if you don't want to have kids then its better not to have them and regret it. I know a lot of people that do regret having kids. Some people shouldn't have kids, IMO also..lol..As long as you are comfortable with it, that is all that matters.0
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I get this a lot too. I am in a committed relationship - and have been for almost 4 years. He has two children from a previous marriage. I am a 29 year old, step-mother of two, that is perfectly capable of conceiving a child - but choose not to. Most people don't understand this. They tell me that raising my step-daughter and step-son is NOT the same as being a "real" parent. I've actually been told that I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter. The funny thing is, no one ever asks my reasoning for NOT wanting more children. In fact, 99% of the time, when I try to offer an explaination, I am told that I am lying to myself. That deep down, I really do want my "own" children, and I am going to regret not having my "own" baby someday. But - I know what is right for me. I know my reasoning, and I know that I have made the right choice for me. And when it comes to growing a human in my own body, and then being responsible for it for the rest of my life - I really don't think anyone else's opinion matters except mine.0
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Alright kids - I am gonna put this out there. I just received ANOTHER private message from one of my "PALS" on this forum. I am not going to call this person out by name - because honestly, I'm just not like that. If she wants to fess up, then by all means....
But instead of replying to her privately, I will say what I have to say here - in full view of everyone.
Here is the partial quote of the message I received.
"I can't stand people like you. You take what GOD has given you for granted. YOU have the ability to have your own children, and have the ability to feel that kind of love. I will never get to feel my child moving in my belly. I will NEVER hear someone call me Mommy. I will never be looked at the way a child looks at his mother. You should be ashamed of getting on a public forum, act like someone elses child is your own, and then talk about what I want most like it is something that is disposable. If you can you should."
So here is my response to YOU.
Yes - my reproductive organs work. I apologize that you are not as fortunate in that department. I am sorry that you are unable to concieve a child of your own. BUT - HOW DARE YOU chastize me for the choice that I have made? I am sorry that my body is capable of doing something that yours is not. I am not taking anything for granted, and just because you CAN do something - doesn't mean you should. I am not pretending that someone else's child is my own. I very clearly stated that they were my STEP children, my significant other's children from a previous marraige. I am not taking ANYTHING for granted. I love those two kids more than ANYTHING in the world, and I work my *kitten* off to be able to provide for them, to support them, to love them the way that they should be loved. Not that you asked what my reasons were for not having my "OWN" child, but the majority of my reasons relate directly to the two children we ALREADY have.
I never asked for your approval. I never asked for your support. And i never tried to rub anything in anyones face. I simply stated MY CHOICE. You don't have to like it. And again, I am sorry for YOUR situation, but it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my CHOICE and will defend it every day of my life if I have to. And I sure don't need YOU to make me feel better about it.0 -
You are also forgetting that while Western (1st World) Populations are experiencing a population pyramid, the same is not true for the rest of the world. Don't worry, while it is true that Western Populations will decrease, the world population centers will continue the trend of shifting to other population centers.
^^^this.
We're not at almost 7 billion people because of people not having children.
Most of the world faces overpopulation, not under. It's only Japan and parts of Europe that have a real problem with low population growth. The US is okay because of immigration.
As for the topic, having children is a personal decision. In no way is it disrespectful.
Did you read the articles I posted? Sure we are getting a short term population increase, but not because more young people are being born. The reason we are getting more population is that there are more old people than young ones, and when the old people die off, they aren't going to be replaced. And the economy is going to collapse.
Collapse, when it happens takes only 50 years to wipe out a civilization.
All population centers are affected by the no more children trend: Europe, and Asia are the biggies. Africa still has family values, but is beset by AIDS and wars. So where your future population centers are is questionable. They certainly aren't going to be in North America.
The anti-fertility trend is going to be the end of us. Sure, there aren't going to be any fertility police forcing you to bear children, but it is something that everyone should do, unless there is a darn good reason not to. And not feeling like it is a pretty weak argument.
No, I hadn't realized you posted "articles," which as I look at them, are op-eds or blogs, not peer-reviewed articles. The Ottawa Press link is broken.
I'm not an economist, but I know that low-fertility rates DO make social programs harder to sustain. However, not sure if I buy the doom-and-gloom sceranio of civilization's collapse. Even if it were true, I don't see it happening anytime soon on a global scale: http://esa.un.org/unpd/wpp/Sorting-Tables/tab-sorting_fertility.htm
In the meantime, I think there are many more problems associated with having unwanted children than those who decide it's not for them. I can't imagine how much abuse is associated with parents who resent having children.0 -
Disrespectful? To whom?0
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Alright kids - I am gonna put this out there. I just received ANOTHER private message from one of my "PALS" on this forum. I am not going to call this person out by name - because honestly, I'm just not like that. If she wants to fess up, then by all means....
But instead of replying to her privately, I will say what I have to say here - in full view of everyone.
Here is the partial quote of the message I received.
"I can't stand people like you. You take what GOD has given you for granted. YOU have the ability to have your own children, and have the ability to feel that kind of love. I will never get to feel my child moving in my belly. I will NEVER hear someone call me Mommy. I will never be looked at the way a child looks at his mother. You should be ashamed of getting on a public forum, act like someone elses child is your own, and then talk about what I want most like it is something that is disposable. If you can you should."
What a disgusting attitude to have. She reminds me of someone I used to be friends with who said that girls who are raped should be forced to keep their kids (she was also unable to have kids & religious... I'm starting to believe that there's a reason some people can't have kids...)0 -
I don't think so... but I do find it disrespectful for those with kids to be called "breeders" and that we are all delusional headcases trying to fill a void in our lives (yes, I have been told this because of my desire to produce a progeny).... and I find it equally disrespectful for people who do have/want kids to look down on those that don't and to call them selfish...
I just don't understand why we can't all just get along... we all will live a different lifestyles, have different experiences and aspirations...0 -
Alright kids - I am gonna put this out there. I just received ANOTHER private message from one of my "PALS" on this forum. I am not going to call this person out by name - because honestly, I'm just not like that. If she wants to fess up, then by all means....
But instead of replying to her privately, I will say what I have to say here - in full view of everyone.
Here is the partial quote of the message I received.
"I can't stand people like you. You take what GOD has given you for granted. YOU have the ability to have your own children, and have the ability to feel that kind of love. I will never get to feel my child moving in my belly. I will NEVER hear someone call me Mommy. I will never be looked at the way a child looks at his mother. You should be ashamed of getting on a public forum, act like someone elses child is your own, and then talk about what I want most like it is something that is disposable. If you can you should."
So here is my response to YOU.
Yes - my reproductive organs work. I apologize that you are not as fortunate in that department. I am sorry that you are unable to concieve a child of your own. BUT - HOW DARE YOU chastize me for the choice that I have made? I am sorry that my body is capable of doing something that yours is not. I am not taking anything for granted, and just because you CAN do something - doesn't mean you should. I am not pretending that someone else's child is my own. I very clearly stated that they were my STEP children, my significant other's children from a previous marraige. I am not taking ANYTHING for granted. I love those two kids more than ANYTHING in the world, and I work my *kitten* off to be able to provide for them, to support them, to love them the way that they should be loved. Not that you asked what my reasons were for not having my "OWN" child, but the majority of my reasons relate directly to the two children we ALREADY have.
I never asked for your approval. I never asked for your support. And i never tried to rub anything in anyones face. I simply stated MY CHOICE. You don't have to like it. And again, I am sorry for YOUR situation, but it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my CHOICE and will defend it every day of my life if I have to. And I sure don't need YOU to make me feel better about it.
Next time, try my favorite response: I like my vagina just the way it is.0 -
Next time, try my favorite response: I like my vagina just the way it is.
I just choked on my coffee and peed myself laughing....0 -
I just don't understand why we can't all just get along... we all will live a different lifestyles, have different experiences and aspirations...
...and people shouldnt have to be treated like garbage regardless of what side of the fence they stand on this subject.0 -
I have two kids and I love it! I think the best thing in my life is being a mom. With that said, everyone has the right to make their own choices and be respected for them. It is less selfish to not have kids if you don't want them then to have them and resent them for it. Not saying that you would, but a lot of parents do. I wish that half the parents would make the choice not to have kids, then there would be a lot less child abuse.0
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Disrespectful nope, selfish yep, but I don't say that to be mean. I'd say the reson most people don't want kids can be considered selfish (at least the one's I know), but I don't have an issue with that. It is your own choice, and in fact IF you don't want them then more power to ya.
I would argue that having children is an inherently selfish act. Why do people have children? Certainly not because they feel the need to selflessly take care of another person. If that were the case, they'd work in a hospital, daycare, or ay other profession where people spend time caregiving. No, people have children because they WANT a little being from their own DNA, that looks like them, and whom they can mold and shape to their own desires. That is an inherently selfish desire.
Many people who choose not to have kids are less selfish than most parents I know. And I'm a parent myself.0 -
This thread is getting disgusting - especially the comment how "I'm starting to think there's a reason some people can't have children". Shameful.
Goodbye.0 -
It is not disrespectful to not have kids. It is disrespectful for others to try to force their ideas and beliefs on you. I do not have kids. I never wanted them and was lucky enough to find a man who also does not want children. We are perfectly happy as we are and enjoy every aspect of our child-free life.0
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I get alot of comments alot about that. I dont want kids either. I think it is a smart, responsible choice. I know I wouldn't be able to provide the right care for them. This is your life and your choice
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I completely agree about wanting kids is selfish. I think about how hard to I have to work to make ends meet, the children now are going to have to work 3 times harder. I dont want to put another human being through that.0
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Whats "disrespectful or horrible" are the people who have kids just to check the box of societies expectations - job - check, other half - check, house- check, kids -check........
I dont want kids, dont get me wrong, I love kids, I work with kids, do I want my life to revolve around them 24/7? No way! I always feel like I have to justify why I dont want to have any, and it normally starts with me saying "I'm quite selfish with my time, I want to be able to do what I want, when I want to do it, and not have to put someone (a child) first for at least the next 18 years....if not longer" But then I get angry with myself for saying that I'm the one being selfish; I think to choose not to have them is one of the least selfish decisions you can make, far better than the people who have kids for the sake of it and then dont spend any time with them, leaving them to be brought up by teachers, day care, and after school centers!0 -
thank you everyone who has been able to respond and be civil. i really appreciate your messages and support.
i dont want this thread to turn into a place people can come and be mean to each other. we all have differing views, i think one the one thing we can take away from this thread is that its ok to have your own opinion. and there is no reason we have to change anyones opinion. as adults we should be able to have debate and remain civil.
neither side is right or wrong. keep it above board. 0 -
That is f&@cking stupid. Disrespectful? Uh, how?!0
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Alright kids - I am gonna put this out there. I just received ANOTHER private message from one of my "PALS" on this forum. I am not going to call this person out by name - because honestly, I'm just not like that. If she wants to fess up, then by all means....
But instead of replying to her privately, I will say what I have to say here - in full view of everyone.
Here is the partial quote of the message I received.
"I can't stand people like you. You take what GOD has given you for granted. YOU have the ability to have your own children, and have the ability to feel that kind of love. I will never get to feel my child moving in my belly. I will NEVER hear someone call me Mommy. I will never be looked at the way a child looks at his mother. You should be ashamed of getting on a public forum, act like someone elses child is your own, and then talk about what I want most like it is something that is disposable. If you can you should."
So here is my response to YOU.
Yes - my reproductive organs work. I apologize that you are not as fortunate in that department. I am sorry that you are unable to concieve a child of your own. BUT - HOW DARE YOU chastize me for the choice that I have made? I am sorry that my body is capable of doing something that yours is not. I am not taking anything for granted, and just because you CAN do something - doesn't mean you should. I am not pretending that someone else's child is my own. I very clearly stated that they were my STEP children, my significant other's children from a previous marraige. I am not taking ANYTHING for granted. I love those two kids more than ANYTHING in the world, and I work my *kitten* off to be able to provide for them, to support them, to love them the way that they should be loved. Not that you asked what my reasons were for not having my "OWN" child, but the majority of my reasons relate directly to the two children we ALREADY have.
I never asked for your approval. I never asked for your support. And i never tried to rub anything in anyones face. I simply stated MY CHOICE. You don't have to like it. And again, I am sorry for YOUR situation, but it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my CHOICE and will defend it every day of my life if I have to. And I sure don't need YOU to make me feel better about it.
Wow! That person that sent you the private message is harsh. All I can say is you are a parent to those step kids because you take care of them and you don't have to give birth to be a mother! You can be a parent to animals and have furbabies. That's what I have.0 -
I don't have kids and I am almost 30 years old. I married my husband when I was 24 years old in November 2007 and he was deployed in January 2009. While he was in the military he said he didn't want us to have kids cause he wanted to be home to help me raise them. Full time work was hard to find for him (he was in the National Guard which was one weekend a month) so we weren't financially stable for a while. He retired last year and he found a good job as a apprenctice industrial plumber and we have our own place now (we lived with housemates for a while) while I am a house wife (I was getting disability but he supposedly is getting too much so it was taken away after 8 years of having it). If we get blessed with a child it will happen when it happens but for now I LOVE my furbabies!!!!!!
Some people shouldn't have kids. My husband's parents got together when she was 13 and he was 23 (she told him she was 17) and she had her first child at 20 years old. She had 4 kids after him (my husband) and lost them all to social services for child neglect.
It is your right to decide not to have kids and nobody shouldn't tell you that your a bad person just because you don't want any.0 -
Not at all sure why it would be direspectful to not have kids. I can see people "wanting" you to have kids--especially your own parents who want grandkids. If you want to see a great site that had a blog about dealing with those around you when you've decided not to have kids, check out 'www.babyoffboard.com0
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