The gym that causes me marriage stress!!

MelanieAG05

Hmmm.....a tricky one!

I go to the gym with my husband occasionally - I go more often than him on my own - and we just leave each other to get on with our work outs after a 5 min warm up together, we then stretch off together and meet afterwards in the jaccuzi to chill out or in the cafe for a coffee.

You could always get her a personal trainer - and then she might understand the need for you to work-out on your own! And she will also have her own work out to do!

yoovie

Teach her how to pick things up and put them down, so you're showing an effort to include her in the gym. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY should ever be caught dead doing Zumba. I danced all through college and find the concept absolutely absurd!

i am so stealing this for my facebook! lol

seconded

Qarol

Wow...just wow. 9 pages I'm not going to read. But since I like to share my thoughts, I'm going to.

I would never EVER ask my husband to do any kind of zumba. Hell, I can't even get him to go ice skating with me. (Maybe he thinks I'd show him up, do a jump or something, while he's clinging to the boards for dear life.)

Whatever. I don't care. Skating/Dancing is MY thing. He likes disc golfing. I went once with him when we were dating. I declared, "this will be YOUR thing." And it has been. I never go with him.

All that being said, I decided several weeks ago I wanted to start lifting heavy. I knew my husband was a weight room junkie in high school. So I informed him that we were joining a gym to lift heavy together. I needed the moral support to enter the weight room by myself, and I was also likely to need a spotter. I gave him relations to sweeten the deal...

So yea, we've been going 3x a week for about 6 weeks now. He loves it. I love it (except for these damn squats). It works for us.

d2footballJRC

Wow...just wow. 9 pages I'm not going to read. But since I like to share my thoughts, I'm going to.

I would never EVER ask my husband to do any kind of zumba. Hell, I can't even get him to go ice skating with me. (Maybe he thinks I'd show him up, do a jump or something, while he's clinging to the boards for dear life.)

Whatever. I don't care. Skating/Dancing is MY thing. He likes disc golfing. I went once with him when we were dating. I declared, "this will be YOUR thing." And it has been. I never go with him.

All that being said, I decided several weeks ago I wanted to start lifting heavy. I knew my husband was a weight room junkie in high school. So I informed him that we were joining a gym to lift heavy together. I needed the moral support to enter the weight room by myself, and I was also likely to need a spotter. I gave him relations to sweeten the deal...

So yea, we've been going 3x a week for about 6 weeks now. He loves it. I love it (except for these damn squats). It works for us.

See this is the thing. I Don't want/won't lift or train my wife either. I'm sorry the weight program I do I don't have time to stop between sets so she can lift. I am too nice to tell her no but I have no desire to lift weights with her. If she wants to lift, I'd be happy for her but I don't want to spot or take time out of my lifting to do that. Wife hasn't asked to lift but even if she did I wouldn't do it. I'd have no problem with her getting a personal trainer, it's just not going to be me as it's not something that would be good. It would kill my style of lifting.

NiciS72

OH MY GOSH, this made me giggle A LOT! I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I get where she is coming from, but then again I get where you are coming from too! My suggestion to get your point across is to pick something of hers that you dislike and tag along and make a nuisance of yourself. For me that would be coming along while I shopped at the Scrapbook store. He'd follow me around and question every little thing I pick up asking me if I really needed that. It's an option I'd take if the discussion with her about how this is "your" time and you don't want to socialize doesn't get anywhere soon. I for one leave DH alone at the gym even though we are both lifting together. I only approach when he asks me to spot him or to ask how much longer (so I can go run if it's gonna be more than 5 min).

Wishing you an amicable resolution to your issue!

allisonrozsa

This is AMAZING! I laughed SOOOOOO hard! I have no advice other than what everyone else said. Thank you for the great story, you made my day. :-)

kekl

Double post sorry!

ArroganceInStep

I'm in a similar boat with my fiancee.

Suck it up, do zumba or whatever she wants on your off days, but make it absolutely clear that your lifting times are your own. That's what I did anyway, all I can say is that I was HANDSOMELY rewarded the nights after I did body sculpt or power yoga or whatever the f*** she wanted to do.

I can swallow my pride to make her happy, and it does end up helping somewhat, if only because I'm mad as *kitten* the next time I lift that I had to do all that pretzeling-butt shaking stuff.

kekl

Everyone has a lot of good ideas... Just tell her it's your own thing, maybe take her along with you and let her do her thing while you do yours, maybe go out to dinner or something afterwards.

It's WORKOUT time not SOCIAL time.

I can totally relate to you though - I have had boyfriends try to come to the gym/workout with me and I always say NO.... I can't even have a platonic workout buddy... I remember my mom wanted to tag along with me to the gym and it was awful, she only does 30 minutes on the elliptical then says she is done... while I am there 1.5-2 hours. My workouts are one of the few things I have absolute control over so I'm not losing that

Good luck!

mommamisty823

lol. Too funny! I wouldn't expect my husband to do "my type" of exercise just like he wouldn't expect me to do his. When we went to the gym together it was simply to avopid having to take more than one vehicle.
I would suggest that you tell her that you'd do Zumba if she lifts weights....but that might backfire.

laurenwarwick

Well can't really blame it on the gym. Just thought I'd share a fun (not really) experience I've had lately and a bit of a rant. My wife, god bless her soul, decided she wants to work out with me. I'm all cool with that and I said okay we can go to the gym the same time. So we go, and I notice right away she apparently thinks this is going to be like a date. She hops on the elliptical and starts chatting as I rack weights to get ready to start my program. I put on my headphones and I start lifting, next thing I know as I'm doing my dumbbell bench press she is standing over me angry. I finish my rep sit up and pull my head phones off. She told me I was ignoring her, and she asked me a question. I told her, look, sweetie, I'm glad you came to the gym with me but you can't be talking to me. I'm trying to lift and I don't like people talking to me while I lift. This is why I've never gone to the gym with you before. I just can't lift, talk, and concentrate at the same time. She got all huffy and decided to play mad at me.

Regardless next couple of days I go by myself and all is well. Then she comes home all excited and tells me, hey I'm going to the gym with you today.. I know right away this is going to be some combo of hell, a heavy dose of scorned woman, and that my workout is going to be absolute crap. We get there and as I'm racking weights she tells me.. YOU DON"T HAVE TO DO THAT. I signed us up for ZUMBA! They said you can work on your strength that way... .Well to put it mildly I flipped sh**. I will not...EVER..be caught doing ZUMBA. Not because I think it doesn't work, but because A. I don't want to B. I can't dance, and C. I like to pick things up and put them down. I tell her to go ahead I'm not doing it.

She instead goes and cries in the locker room, so I had to quit my workout to go and talk to her. (Totally awesome to have to explain to a chick, "My wife is crying, can you go get her to bring to me") She tells me, I just want to work out with you. I explained to her this is my thing, I don't mind doing some cardio together on off days but when I lift I don't want anyone or anything to be bothering me. I also told her that I lift to help with stress and this has caused me a lot more stress. She then explains to me, how fitness has always been her thing, and now that I've gotten into it she wants to make it our thing. (I held back all urge to explain to her I'd rather cut off my hand, be fat, and die young than having to workout with her or do Zumba.)

Now this may sound like I'm a horrible man, and who knows I might be! I don't mind do most things with my wife. I'll subject myself to shopping with her, I'll go see chick flicks, I love going to nice places to eat, I don't mind walks or going to the lake. Etc. Etc. I just do not under any circumstance want to workout with her. She doesn't seem to understand this and has been absolutely impossible to deal with the last week over this. At this point the saw and cutting my hands off is looking like a viable option!

Anyone else have to deal with this? Besides using hypnosis, heavy drugs, sneaking out to the gym, hiring someone to be a workout buddy for your wife so she'll leave you alone... any resolutions/ideas/suggestions?

TOTALLY understand. my husband and i work out in completely different ways. he always asks me to lift with him, but i cannot stand doing it. he will lift like 10-15 reps, then sit around for like 2-3 minutes in between!! i try to make it more cardiovascular and lift lighter with more reps, and switch between reps quickly. he does not want to bulk up, so i don't understand why he is using a weightlifting strategy that helps with bulking. ugh, so frustrating.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

Wow...just wow. 9 pages I'm not going to read. But since I like to share my thoughts, I'm going to.

I would never EVER ask my husband to do any kind of zumba. Hell, I can't even get him to go ice skating with me. (Maybe he thinks I'd show him up, do a jump or something, while he's clinging to the boards for dear life.)

Whatever. I don't care. Skating/Dancing is MY thing. He likes disc golfing. I went once with him when we were dating. I declared, "this will be YOUR thing." And it has been. I never go with him.

All that being said, I decided several weeks ago I wanted to start lifting heavy. I knew my husband was a weight room junkie in high school. So I informed him that we were joining a gym to lift heavy together. I needed the moral support to enter the weight room by myself, and I was also likely to need a spotter. I gave him relations to sweeten the deal...

So yea, we've been going 3x a week for about 6 weeks now. He loves it. I love it (except for these damn squats). It works for us.

See this is the thing. I Don't want/won't lift or train my wife either. I'm sorry the weight program I do I don't have time to stop between sets so she can lift. I am too nice to tell her no but I have no desire to lift weights with her. If she wants to lift, I'd be happy for her but I don't want to spot or take time out of my lifting to do that. Wife hasn't asked to lift but even if she did I wouldn't do it. I'd have no problem with her getting a personal trainer, it's just not going to be me as it's not something that would be good. It would kill my style of lifting.

I totally get it, as I said in my prior post, I really find having a lifting partner to be a nuisance now that I haven't had one in 9 months. If I ever need one it's for a total of 1 minute so I can push my bench weight safely. Other than that, it's all business, if I want to hang out and chit-chat I'll invite you out for a drink.

Don't give this up, it's totally within your right to have it, but outside of the gym find active and fun things to do together. "A family that plays together, stays together." and all that jazz.

AngryDiet

You're going to have to sneak out to the gym now. If she gets suspicious, you can cover by telling her that you're having an affair.

Seriously, a marriage is a partnership. It's being together and hopefully growing old together. It's not being joined at the hip in absolutely everything you do. We all need our personal space and alone time. Well, most of us, anyway.

You could tell her she can work out with you, but only if it's doing what you do. Have her spot you, and have her lift. Women benefit from anaerobic too. Perhaps a few times doing that and she'll decide on her own she'd rather go off and do the Zoomba alone.

Another possibility is to make a deal with her that you two go together, but do your own thing, and then afterward you go out and get a coffee together. Make the whole thing a casual date with the condition that you work out the way you want while there.

BeccaLevine

I love going to the gym with my boyfriend, but we do lifting and cardio together! He is patient with me and knows I can't lift like he does, but we spot each other, encourage each other...and it's fun! But not everyone can be like us! Maybe you could warm up with her and do some cardio, then go to your lifting and let her take zumba, or do her own workouts then meet back up! I'm sure you can figure something out that will make both of y'all happy!

CoderGal

Well can't really blame it on the gym. Just thought I'd share a fun (not really) experience I've had lately and a bit of a rant. My wife, god bless her soul, decided she wants to work out with me. I'm all cool with that and I said okay we can go to the gym the same time. So we go, and I notice right away she apparently thinks this is going to be like a date. She hops on the elliptical and starts chatting as I rack weights to get ready to start my program. I put on my headphones and I start lifting, next thing I know as I'm doing my dumbbell bench press she is standing over me angry. I finish my rep sit up and pull my head phones off. She told me I was ignoring her, and she asked me a question. I told her, look, sweetie, I'm glad you came to the gym with me but you can't be talking to me. I'm trying to lift and I don't like people talking to me while I lift. This is why I've never gone to the gym with you before. I just can't lift, talk, and concentrate at the same time. She got all huffy and decided to play mad at me.

Regardless next couple of days I go by myself and all is well. Then she comes home all excited and tells me, hey I'm going to the gym with you today.. I know right away this is going to be some combo of hell, a heavy dose of scorned woman, and that my workout is going to be absolute crap. We get there and as I'm racking weights she tells me.. YOU DON"T HAVE TO DO THAT. I signed us up for ZUMBA! They said you can work on your strength that way... .Well to put it mildly I flipped sh**. I will not...EVER..be caught doing ZUMBA. Not because I think it doesn't work, but because A. I don't want to B. I can't dance, and C. I like to pick things up and put them down. I tell her to go ahead I'm not doing it.

She instead goes and cries in the locker room, so I had to quit my workout to go and talk to her. (Totally awesome to have to explain to a chick, "My wife is crying, can you go get her to bring to me") She tells me, I just want to work out with you. I explained to her this is my thing, I don't mind doing some cardio together on off days but when I lift I don't want anyone or anything to be bothering me. I also told her that I lift to help with stress and this has caused me a lot more stress. She then explains to me, how fitness has always been her thing, and now that I've gotten into it she wants to make it our thing. (I held back all urge to explain to her I'd rather cut off my hand, be fat, and die young than having to workout with her or do Zumba.)

Now this may sound like I'm a horrible man, and who knows I might be! I don't mind do most things with my wife. I'll subject myself to shopping with her, I'll go see chick flicks, I love going to nice places to eat, I don't mind walks or going to the lake. Etc. Etc. I just do not under any circumstance want to workout with her. She doesn't seem to understand this and has been absolutely impossible to deal with the last week over this. At this point the saw and cutting my hands off is looking like a viable option!

Anyone else have to deal with this? Besides using hypnosis, heavy drugs, sneaking out to the gym, hiring someone to be a workout buddy for your wife so she'll leave you alone... any resolutions/ideas/suggestions?

She seems like a feeler. You just fail at explaining and used all the wrong words by the sounds of it lol. There's always a more constructive way to do things.

You should have just said a gym isn't a chat room to you, it's a work out room. You can work out there, but chat somewhere else not during that time. You've already been at the gym, you have a routine, you're determined and want to stick to what you want to do, you want to do weights, and you want to work out. You were for the idea of her being around you and also getting into fitness, but she can't come in and expect for you to change the way you do things and change what you signed up for in the first place. It's like taking her from something she's determine to do while she's doing it and making her do something she doesn't want to do.

AlbaAngel25

awww. I would be so annoyed if my husband worked out beside me.
"I pick things up and put them down" that commerical is funny lol

melbot24

IMO
I feel as though she was being a bit presumptuous by signing you up for Zumba, without telling or asking you if that's even something you'd want to do.

She can't just sign you up for something, spring it on you last minute and expect that you to be ready and excited to go.
She needs to consider your needs.
I hope that you would consider hers too, and not just sign her up for something that she wasn't interested in.

If you working out alone means you're a better husband when you get home, or after the gym...then that's time well spent.

What if you offer to get her a personal trainer?
That way, she'll have someone to talk and work out with and you'll be able to get your work out done.

If that's not an option, encourage her to go to Zumba alone and make some friends there.
I'm sure once she meets and talks to a couple ladies and establishes some friendships, she'll be more confident at the gym and won't feel like she needs to be near you all the time.

I feel like her issue might stem more from a lack of confidence at the gym, it's scary to walk in there by yourself when you haven't been in awhile.

The sooner you help her get over that fear, the sooner you can get back to lifting!

r1ghtpath

could you go with her on your days off from your program? like one or two days a week? that way you're not actually doing it WITH her, but more like a trainer? or does your relationships not work well in that way?

See this is the thing. I Don't want/won't lift or train my wife either. I'm sorry the weight program I do I don't have time to stop between sets so she can lift. I am too nice to tell her no but I have no desire to lift weights with her. If she wants to lift, I'd be happy for her but I don't want to spot or take time out of my lifting to do that. Wife hasn't asked to lift but even if she did I wouldn't do it. I'd have no problem with her getting a personal trainer, it's just not going to be me as it's not something that would be good. It would kill my style of lifting.

chrissismone

I feel bad for you bro seriously..I wouldn't want to have spouse who is a bit needy with me at the gym. I meet a guy at the gym I do my thing he does his and then we come together after. You just need to let her know the business and move on. No need to sacrifice your workouts for her tantrums she is a grown woman she needs to be able to do things solo and let you do the same.

katysmelly

I only just now noticed that you've lost over 100 lbs.

Yes, she is insecure. I don't know how she looks, now, but her comment that "fitness used to be her thing" makes it clear that she's worried about a shift in the power balance.

It is not at all uncommon for a marriage to break down when one partner loses a lot of weight. Specifically, when one partner becomes more attractive than the other.

chrishgt4

Just plan in a week's break from the gym and then go with her during that week, but make it every day. That way it's not interfering with your schedule since you can just have a bit of chill time.

She'll get bored pretty quick since she's only doing it out of insecurity, and you can have your gym back...

Or if she likes it, then hopefully she'll have a better understanding of the place to want to plan her own routine.

hennyben

I am too nice to tell her no but I have no desire to lift weights with her. If she wants to lift, I'd be happy for her but I don't want to spot or take time out of my lifting to do that.

It's all very well being nice to your wife but you can't spend your life being too nice to say what just needs to be said.

d2footballJRC

I only just now noticed that you've lost over 100 lbs.

Yes, she is insecure. I don't know how she looks, now, but her comment that "fitness used to be her thing" makes it clear that she's worried about a shift in the power balance.

It is not at all uncommon for a marriage to break down when one partner loses a lot of weight. Specifically, when one partner becomes more attractive than the other.

She's a good looking woman, I married above my "paygrade" in that aspect.

katysmelly

Aw! That's sweet!

But, that still means she's seeing a shift in the balance. To make life even crueler: women take time off to have babies which means that while they're aging and losing their figure they're also falling behind in their careers... meanwhile, the husbands generally gain earning power and are perceived as aging better.

No non-sociopath thinks in terms of "Well, I've gotten hotter and am now earning three times what I did when I proposed to the old ball and chain.... I think I'll upgrade." But, sociologists agree that it does frequently happen in marriages, even though few people recognize or admit what happened to the relationship.

r1ghtpath

i agree with all of what katysmelly said!!

i'm sure your wife's brain is moving at a lightning pace regarding your shift. it was HER thing, and now it's YOUR thing.

i can't say how she is feeling, but it sounds like she might struggle with her self esteem. i know i spent a fair amount of my marriage ( after babies this is) feeling like i was the wrong 'type' of woman to be seen with my husband ( now ex). he has this fabulous body, and well, mine was just not very nice to look at after having so many babies in such a short amount of time..... it wasn't a good mind set to be in.

i hope you two can work it out!!!

Aw! That's sweet!

But, that still means she's seeing a shift in the balance. To make life even crueler: women take time off to have babies which means that while they're aging and losing their figure they're also falling behind in their careers... meanwhile, the husbands generally gain earning power and are perceived as aging better.

No non-sociopath thinks in terms of "Well, I've gotten hotter and am now earning three times what I did when I proposed to the old ball and chain.... I think I'll upgrade." But, sociologists agree that it does frequently happen in marriages, even though few people recognize or admit what happened to the relationship.

mbts08

I would NEVER expect my husband to do zumba!:huh: I have never done it.

MotorCityFemmeFatale

IMO -You need to have a lil chat with her, so she knows your goals.

My now ex husband, would not go with me and it caused a huge rift, by the time I was competing it got larger.

With current husband (do I sound like Liz Taylor? haha), it's starting all over again, he doesn't want me to go to the gym and stay working out at home so long as it does not occur after he gets home. I need a sitter, so the gym sounds like a good thing, I can get it done before he comes home, right? No, he is afraid I'll get hit on. Firstly, so what if it does happen? Secondly, most BBer's are focused on their own routine. Anywhoo ..... I'm not giving up lifting and I should have married a gym rat.

So I think that it's very cool that she is going with you :glasses:

slkehl

She signed you up for Zumba?!? You've got to be kidding me. Sounds like a rom-com!

Well at least she loves you and wants to spend time with you. Not in the proper context though!

aj_31

I only just now noticed that you've lost over 100 lbs.

Yes, she is insecure. I don't know how she looks, now, but her comment that "fitness used to be her thing" makes it clear that she's worried about a shift in the power balance.

It is not at all uncommon for a marriage to break down when one partner loses a lot of weight. Specifically, when one partner becomes more attractive than the other.

She's a good looking woman, I married above my "paygrade" in that aspect.

Good looking or not maybe she's insecure about working out alone? Sometimes people like to have gym buddies but if that's the case maybe she should ask a girlfriend to go with her when she goes. I don' t know. I guess I'm lucky in that my husband and I like to lift together and do the same things - i just use lighter weights. Talking in between sets or whatever doesn't seem to interfere with our workout at all.

SyntonicGarden

My husband started doing yoga as rehab, after the Army broke him. While I'm glad to have him to motivate me to get to the studio, yoga time is my time. Sometimes our mats are on opposite sides of the room. Sometimes I let him put his mat in front of mine, so I can check out his butt. But it's not date time. It's not "we need to talk" time. It's yoga time.

We're friends before we're spouses and treat each other as such. Because I'm secure in my marriage, when I end up going to his gym for whatever reason, I treat him like I'd treat any other guy at the gym. Again, sometimes I'll let him get on the treadmill / elliptical in front of me so I have eye candy...

If some chick misses the piece of metal on his left hand and decides to noticeably flirt with him (twirling her hair, giggling, swaying her rack or her hips), I might go and metaphorically "pee on his shoes" by walking by and asking him what we're doing for dinner, to establish and lay claim. He does the same. Otherwise, gym time is gym time.

My Spidey senses tell me that this might not really be about the gym. I don't know how to say this nicely, but depending on how other things are going in the marriage, the outbursts at the gym might be a symptom of something brewing under the water. I'm not saying your marriage is in danger, but from what you posted, it sounds like something's up.

Maybe she's lonely and has a hard time making friends. Maybe she's insecure or has an incorrect perception of something in the relationship. We're women. We think differently. Some of us are more sensitive than others. Some of us more secure in our relationships, some of us less. Sometimes, we come up with weird reasons behind what we think we believe to be true. (I probably just got my "Woman" card revoked with that bit of heresy...) But we're different, especially in places that might make us feel insecure or add to existing insecurity, warranted or not.

If she's open to the both of you talking to someone, I say go for it. If she's not, there's a book called "The 7 Principles of Marriage" which has some great "couple bonding" activities that might make her feel more secure. I think we paid 50 cents on half.com for our copy. If you buy the book, skip the first 2 chapters. They're "poke yourself in your own eye with your fingers" dull, IMHO.

Otherwise, make sure that there are enough "quality time" moments. If you can do a couples dinner, for example, and help her make more female friends, maybe she'll be more comfortable talking to them at the gym instead...

Good luck...