Folks who are happily married...

Fridaydalek

He definitely is a great person. He's very caring, loving, kind and supportive. But I don't do well with emotional manipulation. I remember that one time he got jealous of my dog because I was being nicer to her than to him. My dad asked what will happen if we have a newborn and I put all of my attention on it...

Despite what this guy is saying, he is not ready for marriage if that's his attitude. I'm a husband and father, and it takes a certain... selflessness. Not trying to sound "noble" here, but you *have* to treat your family's needs as important as your own.

When my first child was born, there was suddenly a lack of "attention" on me form the entire extended family; it was all on my wife and the baby. My mother in law shut the front door in my face when we turned up at hers the first time after the birth! It's like I was invisible. (She apologised afterwards!) But it is a bemusing time being a new father, and you have to have your s**t together to handle it. Your guy is not ready for commitment, despite what he thinks. By not giving in to his emotional manipulation you are doing *him* a favour.

BTW, listen to your dad. Sounds like you've got a wise and supportive man in your corner.

ania0307

I've only been marries for 4 years but been with my hubby for 11 - so we got married after 7 years, actually we got engaged after 3 months haha
i think you just know
but even if it doesn work out - hey you tried, cannot be loving your life thinking what if
good luck

SusanLovesToEat

I married very young to a guy who was more like a father and brother rolled into one. While I loved him, I wasn't "in love" with him. In fact, I really didn't believe in true love beyond the intense infatuations I'd had growing up. We were married for 12 years.

Then one day I saw the love of my life at a group dinner in a Chinese restaurant in Italy (half way around the world). The next day I told my best friend "I'm going to marry that guy!". My friend said I was crazy. Well, very long story short, I married that guy a year later. When you know you know.

At the time I went to a marriage counselor with my then husband to help us both with the break. She said that I should take a break from my relationship with the new person and deal with my marriage. I said "I can't do that. What do you think, that true love comes along everyday?"

My new husband and I have been married for 22 years and I can honestly say I am more in love than the day we married. As the other post said the secret is both people being truly in love and that each wishes the best for the other not only themselves and that they are lucky enough to both never fall out of love at the same time when times are tough.

I know I stayed married to the first guy too long because I was afraid there was nothing better out there (he was a great guy)- but there is if you can literally take that leap of faith. And there's the rub. You know what to do- its developing the courage to do so and with grace.

My recommendation is to see a professional if you need help with the transition.

KitTheRoadie

My whole relationship went in fast forward.

We moved in together and were engaged within a month.

Married at 8 months.

Got pregnant 6 months after we were married.

Will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary next month.

I just kinda knew when I met him. I litterly left his house going that's the guy I'm gonna marry.

Nothing changed when we got married. Things are a little more hectic now because we have 3 kids (2 from previous relationships) we don't get as much time together because we have a new baby. But our relationship hasn't changed at all. He's still the goofy guy I fell in love with.

Pretty much ^^^this^^^

msgsarah

Please don't rush into getting married. It will be the worst decision you ever make, and there will be so much heartache and practicalities to untangle. I think if you even have slight misgivings, you need to slow down and re-evaluate the situation. What is the rush to get down the aisle anyway? Why not wait until you are sure?

It seems like there are quite a few small things you're saying are wrong with your boyfriend. Could it be that they're bothering you so much because you're looking for an excuse because you know your feelings aren't all they should be for this man?

I got married last year, we'd been together for seven years previously. And I was so nervous on the day of the wedding, but I knew I whatever else I wasn't sure of, I was sure of him. All the things I worried about - where to stand, if I'd say my vows right, not tripping over my dress- were irrelevant. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that I'd made the right decision. Seeing him at the end of the aisle actually calmed my nerves. I remember thinking 'whatever else goes wrong, we have each other.' And I realised all the things I was worried about were of no consequence- they were just trimmings. The important thing was me and him.

If you don't think you'd have the same feeling when you get to the end of the aisle, DON'T DO IT. It's a big commitment and you need to be sure. You're entitled to take all the time you need to decide- and if he pressures you into it, he's not the one anyway.

Good luck hun x

Peta22

I love to hang out with him and we laugh together a lot. But I would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife in 2 months.

I think you have your answe right there hun ^^^

Sorry but I agree 100% with the above... If you have to ask the questions then I don't think your really committed regardless of how much you might try to convinced yourself oherwise

I'd been with my other half (my BFF - 2nd marriage) for 3yrs before he proposed. I KNEW he was the right one and we've been deliriously happy ever since. I explain to friends that the difference between our relationship and my previous ones was that previously there were always internal conflicts - between me and my partner... It was always those 'relationships are hard work/compromise' situations. In my present relationship, my husband and I are stronger together. We support ech other, we laugh together and we love each others company. Conflict is now only ever from external sources... Its us together against whatever problems arise.

In my first marriage (I call it the practise run now), it all happened too fast and I felt like it snowballed out of control until my wedding night when I sat alone in my car wondering what the hell I'd done... Enough said...

sdrawkcabynot

My first husband was very clingy, and said he could not live without me in his life. I won't go into the details, but I swore I would never marry another man who could not live comfortably by himself - both emotionally and financially. And I didn't.

I have gotten this too. It's a little scary to me. I mean if I weren't with him I'd be sad for a bit but I'd continue my normal life.

Run fast... very very fast! And hide all sharp utensils before you take off! LOL... I kid - but the clingy people can be scary. Men or women. I have learned what to look for, what to watch for in myself, and what to avoid because of dating a needy, clingy person.

grinch031

My advice is don't rush into the marriage decision, because life is too short to make bad decisions and the divorce rate is high. Be prepared to be dumped if you aren't willing to talk marriage when your bf wants you to. That's one of the difficult things when people are at that age where they may want to settle down, and there is no point in continuing a relationship that is going to be a dead end for them. You need to find someone that you either 1) want to marry, or 2) is okay with not talking about marriage any time soon. But if you want to stay with your bf, be 100% honest about your marriage intentions and how you feel about it.

Alice_Liddell

how long were you together when you married? We'd been together for two and a half years. We'd known each other for eight or nine (we grew up together). We've now been married for six and a half years.

Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? I was 100% certain. I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't.

Did your relationship change after marriage? It didn't change immediately, which is what I feel like people mean when they ask this question, but it has changed over the past six and a half years, yes. Sometimes we have our bumps, but most things go very smoothly. I think that, maybe, our marriage has changed a lot because I was 17 and he was 21 when we got married, and now we're 23 and 26, so we've both done a lot of changing ourselves. But it's changed in a good way. We're both more mature now, we're more comfortable with each other, and we know more what the other wants and needs and how to give it to them.

That doesn't mean that we haven't had our problems. I've had a lot of health issues (physical and mental, although the physical were actually a manifestation of the mental), we've had a lot of debt (mostly from those health issues), and last year I was hospitalized for three days due to my bipolar disorder. His mom died a few months before our wedding, which was hard. My family is a shitstorm of stupidity, and that's something we may always have to deal with. But the great part about a healthy marriage is while that stuff sucks, we are dealing with it TOGETHER, and having that support makes everything so much easier.

ninerbuff

I don't think there's ever any way to ever really know unless you jump in. In my opinion, you should at least live together awhile first. It's one thing to date, and another to live in the same house as the person. You learn living habits, issues that irk you and finding ways to communicate.


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DisneyAddictRW

I was with my hubby for 3 yrs before we got married. We got pregnant 1 yr into dating. Everyone wanted us to get married said it was the right thing to do. We refused to get married unless we were 100% sure. Then he got cancer and we moved our wedding up one year. We are best friends. We tell each other everything and are honest with each other. Weve been married 12 years this July. We are still just as happy as the day we met. We don't worry what others think and do what's best for us. What works best for one is not always the best for the next. We also have each other's names tattooed on our wedding finger. It kinda freaked family and friends out but we didn't care. We're going to grow old together!

UsedToBeHusky

It sounds like you don't want the relationship to end, but he wants to know that it is progressing. I suggest that the two of you do some couple's counseling together. Tell him that you want to be sure that your marriage works, and that you are not confident that your relationship can handle that much of a committment. Ask him to do the couple's counseling and tell him that you would like to revisit the issue of marriage at a later date. If he is good to you as you describe, I don't think he will have a problem with that. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:

cbh142

...how long were you together when you married? 2.5 years
Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? very certain
Did your relationship change after marriage? yes in many different ways both good and bad. I think it doesn't matter if you are married or not things will change regardless.

the_journeyman

I was ready to marry my wife within the first six months. We even took a week-long vacation to Vegas. It so obvious that we made a good couple and would be married, there were even bets on whether on not we'd come back married. That was in 2007. We didn't get married until 2009 though. You KNOW when it's right.

JM

MaritaD

And some background:

He tells me how he's such a great guy and he's a catch and there won't be another guy like him around...and he's probably right. I mean he worships the ground I walk on, he would do anything for me, and wants commitment and a family. We have a TON of stuff in common--music, hobbies, love for animals, values.

Basically, I'm dating myself, but from 3 years ago. I was also very clingy, demanding, emotional, and sensitive. I don't know what to do when he cries! Which happens often! And he babytalks the animals which drives me nuts. And he passes gas around me even though he knows I can't stand it. And he used to throw tantrums but thankfully he's stopped that.

I love to hang out with him and we laugh together a lot. But I would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife in 2 months.

This is your answer right there.............you would rather be his friend than sign up to be his wife. You know you don't want to do it, so don't do it, you will both be unhappy.

mcrowe1016

I asked these questions in a thread from divorcees:

...how long were you together when you married? Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? Did your relationship change after marriage?

Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.

We were together four years when we got married. I was 100% certain. Our relationship has changed, but not because we got got married. As life moves on, things are bound to change. (I was 15 when we met and 17 when we started dating. We got married just after I turned 22 and have been married 2.5 years so far - together for 7 years)

Edit: My husband have very little in common. We have similar moral views and how many children we want, but that is about it.

scapez

I'm not married, but your description of his clingy-ness made me think.

I used to need to be in a relationship to feel whole and/or validated. I looked to whomever was in my life at the time for everything...friendship, emotional support, social life. When the relationships inevitably ended I always thought it was because "they" weren't right for "me". It was a long time and a long road to learn otherwise.

Now, I couldn't be happier with the person I'm with and I know I'm in it for all of the RIGHT reasons this time. :flowerforyou:

If he "needs" you that badly...I can't see how that will stand the test of time.

britcurl

Make sure you know the person for atleast 2 years, live with them or know how they are with a roomate, have hobbies without AND with them, know how to talk to them about ANYTHING...they should be your best friend. Be honest, do you ever want to get married? If no, let him know. If you do, but you arent sure about him, let him know. This is just worked for me. Communication is key. You should be able to talk to him about anything and everything.

I only knew my husband for 4 months before he proposed and then we got married 5 months later. I don't think it matters how long you know the person. If they are the right one, you just know! I was 100% sure then and 200% sure now. Wouldn't trade my life with him for the world!

10KEyes

My wife and I will be married for 4 years this year. We have been together 5 years. Yes, I was 100% certain, I am pretty sure she was as well as we both have been married before. There were no illusions. It has been absolutely wonderful. We are soul-mates. We have only grown closer and closer over the years. Every day when I think it couldn't possibly get any better than how great it is now, it does. I tell her often, she is the woman of my dreams!

All that being said, you have your own answer. If you aren't feeling it, don't do it. In fact, I would wager that you probably won't be able to remain friends either. Because, he sees you as a love interest and you only see him as a friend. He will feel it is unfair, you will feel bad. But unless you feel like he does, there is no match. Don't try to force it (deciding by logic and reason), you need to let your heart guide you on this one. Just my 2 cents worth.

songbyrdsweet

Thank you EVERYONE! I received such kind, thoughtful advice. You all are so wonderful. :smooched:

Last night I ended the relationship. He was really upset and tried tactics to get me to change my mind (begging, crying, asking me to hook him up with one of my friends, deleting all our FB pictures and de-friending me...lol). But his emotional immaturity just solidified my decision.

This morning I went to a counseling session with him, but I made it VERY clear that my decision has been made and these counseling sessions are to help him gain closure. They're actually nice for me too...I mean how many times do you get counseling through a breakup?

This weekend his parents are coming down to help him move. He also needs his mom to come down and support him...which is a little odd at 27 years old, IMO. When my parents divorced, they were only 24 and my mom took me from my dad, and he handled it on his own.

I know I made the right decision. I feel sad for hurting him, but I am hopeful he will learn and grow from this like I did from my painful breakups.