Dear I love you but really....

crisanderson27

Thanks Ladies.

I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.

I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.

This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.

He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.

We men can be very immature like that sometimes.

Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.

If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?

Actually buying the weights and all the equipment FOR her is the exact thing a controlling A$$hat person would do, and the reason being so that when/if she ever brought up the subject of him not "supporting" her efforst...then he could simply remind her that HE bought all of her equipment...which also means that he could just as easily take it back. Just my experience, that's all.

Umm...yes, definitely in a mood lol.

joydivision92

As someone who dated a girl in the process of weight loss, i can say with confidence he is totally insecure with himself, your weight loss is bringing it out in him. he should be a man and cheer his bloody head off for every lb you lose. tell him to grow up and support you or get out.

DeniseB0711

It sounds like he's scared your going to lose weight and leave him.

Or my upthread suggestion - that he feels her new diet and lifestyle will "cramp" his style, or limit the "fun" things they used to do - no more going to Five Guys for burgers, or tossing down beer at the ballgame, etc. Or that he'll feel compelled to work out and eat better, things he doesn't wish to do.

Lots of guys would rather have a fat, fun girl than an uptight (in their mind), health-obsessed thin one.

I couldn't NOT comment.

DP and I have alwasy been big on eating Junk together. Its always been our thing...wings, beer, pizza, long walks thorugh the grocery store. LOL. He's not going to lose that in me...just I refuse to eat fried wings....and I don't need four beers to be fun.
I doubt he'll ever work out...EVER we were members of a gym for 4 years (just $25/month for the whole family) and he went there to watch our middle child play hockey.

Perhaps its his own insecurity.

w1thh3art

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

crisanderson27

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

w1thh3art

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

crisanderson27

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

Danielle_2013

Here's just a short list of the stuff I no longer do with my boyfriend:

Go to movies and share popcorn
Eat wings or burgers on the weekend
Go to the pub or out for dinner
Watch TV at night
Sleep in
Sunday morning brunches
Sunday drives
Cook elaborate dinners together
Watch the food network
Make delicious meals (or his version of delicious)

He is not unsupportive at all. In fact he recently gave me a congratulations card for pursuing something that made me happy and bought me a gift card to a clothing store saying "well since we don't go out to dinner anymore I thought you could buy some new clothes" (This is huge - he has never cared about clothing).

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

For someone who was comfortable and mostly satisfied with his life (though he's not exactly the picture of perfect health), I've completely altered his world. He's very confident, but I know it has made him look inwards at his own life goals and fitness - something he may or may not have been ready to do.

I think communication is the key for the original poster. Figure out for yourself what you want and why and acknowledge how this may or may not change things between you and how you can use these changes to grow closer... if you want to. Then go to him and have that honest discussion.

Good luck!

Danielle_2013

I'll be honest.. he really hates quinoa. :laugh:

mrmanmeat

I am sooo sick of my DP and his comments about my body. When he met me I was knocking the scales at nearly 200. I lost about 20lbs prior to getting pregnant. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SMALL.
I was born overweight and stayed that way more of my life. Looking back I gained about 25lbs between 8th and 9th grade.
I am 28 years old now, and to hear him talk the idea of me ever getting smaller is impossible. He doesn't understand I am NOT BIG BONED...that's the lie people tell fat girls. your bones aren't big.......I am freaking overweight and telling me my thighs will continue to be the size of the average male waiste isn't motivation.

Then to top it off he doesn't shut up about my diet. I have been supplementign with protein. Without the supplements I'd have to eat double the amount of meat I already do. He complains that it will make me bigger and its a waste of money. Not really true considering a scoop of 25gram protein is about $.50 while 25 grams of protein from Chicken is about $2.
I eat protein bars SOMETIMES. They are my snacks, I get the ones with sugar alcohol in them instead of sugar. He tells me what a waste of money they are and I should just eat fruit instead. I do eat fruit but only 1 to 2 servings a day...and at least 3 servings of vegetables a day.
Then he tells me how miserable I look eating salad. Its true I am sick of mixed greens in a bowl....but I hate most other veggies. And as much as I'd like to eat a 1/4lb hamburger, with fries and a REAL COKE..its not something I can eat right now.
am overweight.
Then he gives me greif about working out. I do P90X..>I am in the first phase. The work outs are about an hour long. Its one stinking hour of the day I am not sitting down in front of the computer or doing house work but he has an opinion of the fact I lift 5lb weights and do push ups.
Why....is he so critical I have no idea. Is he afraid I might actually squeeze fat *kitten* into a bathing suit this summer...I don't know what his motivation is really. I just wished he'd understand and STOP badgering me about it.

Instead of posting it on here, why not tell him? Or move on w/ your life.

delikium

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

this, he just wanna be involved, like a really unprofessional coach

crisanderson27

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

shbretired

Hm.. he goes along with buying the stuff, but afraid if you get too hot, you'll dump him.:embarassed:

I'd tell him, drop the verbal abuse, or for sure when you're done, you'll replace him for a NICER model. :devil:

[ lmao at punch him in the junk ]:bigsmile:

w1thh3art

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

crisanderson27

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

Insecurity can often lead to control type behavior (it's human nature to try to control ones environment for mental, physical, or emotional stability...after as many years as they've been together...she's definitely a 'part' of his environment), and I agree that some of those behaviors are present...but I don't think I'd lable him 'controlling' as a person.

Certainly not without a lot more information.

And no worries, I didn't take your comment personally (though I thank you for clarifying)! The internet is very poor at translating tone...and even then, I'm a very passionate person about most things I believe lol.

Love your tattoo by the way...collar bone tattoos are very beautiful if done properly.

littlepinkhearts

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

Dear Cris....I honestly don't think you could come across as controlling even if you tried.....and the reason being? because you aren't. It's so obvious in your mannerisms and words even in type. Unfortunately, not all men have the gentle qualities and insight that you seem to have acquired. My guess would be that you possess many other "skills" which should be bottled and put in a tablet form for others of the male species to consume or perhaps OD on haha. In the meantime, the many other lesser forms of men will continue to walk the earth contaminating relationships in large numbers. Just be happy you're not one of them :flowerforyou:

Danielle_2013

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

I wouldn't personally label you controlling either. You post often and tend to be very insightful. Relationships are complex. I figure couples who can stay on the same page and want the same things for any length of time are quite lucky. Am I being selfish? Probably. Am I taking away from him by not compromising myself? You'd have to ask him. I know I'm a much happier individual nowadays and that actually helps our relationship. But I also think for me there isn't a way to be healthy and change my life without these major shifts. I not only had to change my diet and fitness, but my whole perception of myself and the way I've been for my entire life. I'm not someone who used to be thin and just had 20 pounds to lose. I had to break up with food. I'm partial to the cold turkey method too I guess!

w1thh3art

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

Insecurity can often lead to control type behavior (it's human nature to try to control ones environment for mental, physical, or emotional stability...after as many years as they've been together...she's definitely a 'part' of his environment), and I agree that some of those behaviors are present...but I don't think I'd lable him 'controlling' as a person.

Certainly not without a lot more information.

And no worries, I didn't take your comment personally (though I thank you for clarifying)! The internet is very poor at translating tone...and even then, I'm a very passionate person about most things I believe lol.

Love your tattoo by the way...collar bone tattoos are very beautiful if done properly.

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

crisanderson27

Dear Cris....I honestly don't think you could come across as controlling even if you tried.....and the reason being? because you aren't. It's so obvious in your mannerisms and words even in type. Unfortunately, not all men have the gentle qualities and insight that you seem to have acquired. My guess would be that you possess many other "skills" which should be bottled and put in a tablet form for others of the male species to consume or perhaps OD on haha. In the meantime, the many other lesser forms of men will continue to walk the earth contaminating relationships in large numbers. Just be happy you're not one of them :flowerforyou:

I wouldn't personally label you controlling either. You post often and tend to be very insightful. Relationships are complex. I figure couples who can stay on the same page and want the same things for any length of time are quite lucky. Am I being selfish? Probably. Am I taking away from him by not compromising myself? You'd have to ask him. I know I'm a much happier individual nowadays and that actually helps our relationship. But I also think for me there isn't a way to be healthy and change my life without these major shifts. I not only had to change my diet and fitness, but my whole perception of myself and the way I've been for my entire life. I'm not someone who used to be thin and just had 20 pounds to lose. I had to break up with food. I'm partial to the cold turkey method too I guess!

:blushing: :flowerforyou:

I wish I knew what you all see as so great. I mean I know I'm not a jerk (well, not in that sense lol)...and I like to think of myself as a 'good guy'...but if I could figure out whatever it is that you women like about me, I'd put a big, fat neon sign with arrows on it and maybe not be single anymore lol. I truly think it's a societal thing. Yesterday I was told I was controlling (and not by just one woman) because I said I wouldn't 'let' a woman pay for our first date, and wouldn't willingly let her pay for a date period lol.

:noway:

At smallerbridesmaid ~

I understand, and of course we can only comment on the information provided (love the internet for that! Not..!), and even then only through the filter of our own experience. I'm sure your reasons are good ones, and I'm sure you wouldn't have made changes without considering the overall happiness of your family.

Sometimes a guy just has to be made to see that you REALLY aren't going anywhere, and that even if his life is going to change...certain amounts of that are normal in a relationship, and rather than falling behind, he should try to catch up. I mean, it's not like the choices you've made (and more specifically, the OP) are unhealthy, or in any other way negative overall, they're just different than the 'norm' for your/their lifesyle.

You are certainly right though, relationships are very complex.

crisanderson27

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Makes for interesting...conversations lol.

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

Me too...though I only have one at the moment. I'm a firm believer that my own body art should be a product of my own imagination...and to be honest, in the last ten years...I haven't had time to take a deep breath, much less sit down and draw any tattoos for myelf, lol.