Can I have a male friend even if I have a boyfriend?

crisanderson27

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

those times are gone and I don't see them returning in the near future....society has changed too much to go back....and in some ways that's a good thing and in some ways not.

I don't necessarily disagree...and its sad. But...with the divorce rate what it is today...I wonder which mentality is truly the dysfunctional one.

And don't misunderstand. I don't condone controlling your partner in any way. I promote both partners being receptive, and willing to meet each others physical and emotional needs. Big difference...yet so many 'progressive' people say its the same...and immediately label the man (almost always) controlling...the woman codependant...and the relationship dysfunctional.

Sad doesn't even cover it.

seventwenty

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

Thank god those days are gone. No seriously. Nostalgic feelings aside, how many dysfunctional relationships went on for decades because a obtaining a divorce was a huge social taboo?

Cold_Steel

The fact that YOU want a friendship, doesn't mean the other guy is only wanting a friendship...and believe me, the slightest wedge they can work, they will.

This is pretty much it right here.

I personally do not want my wife hanging out with just another straight guy. If she was hanging out with a guy and a girl that is fine but solo with one other guy (straight) . I don't think it is a control thing whatsoever I think it is a respect for your relationship. But it is a mutual thing with my wife and I. She wouldnt appreciate me hanging out solo with a friend that is a girl and vice versa.

As to the other posters, the fact that you asked the internet shows a general lack of maturity and you may want to look at that and just speak directly to your boyfriend. I understand it sucks being a new place knowing no one but most guys wanting to "hang out" right away with a girl new to the area is looking for hanky panky. I can guarantee you if you hung out with him and your boyfriend he would find a way to get right out of there. If he didn't it would most likely become an eventual thing. but who knows its you not us.

placeboaddiction

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."


Back to the point of this thread I suppose.
I can't believe there are so many insecure with relationships. The whole concept of judging for gender is as bad as judging for race, religion, and whatever else that makes us all so different. "People are people so why should it be, that you and I get along so awfully".

crisanderson27

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

Thank god those days are gone. No seriously. Nostalgic feelings aside, how many dysfunctional relationships went on for decades because a obtaining a divorce was a huge social taboo?

At least this time you posted in intelligible English.

I don't know how many. But I do know that in my experiences with my extended family...aunts, uncles...I've a HUGE family on both sides...the answer is not many.

seventwenty

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

Thank god those days are gone. No seriously. Nostalgic feelings aside, how many dysfunctional relationships went on for decades because a obtaining a divorce was a huge social taboo?

At least this time you posted in intelligible English.

I don't know how many. But I do know that in my experiences with my extended family...aunts, uncles...I've a HUGE family on both sides...the answer is not many.

"Intelligible English," oh aren't you the cutest!

crisanderson27

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."


Back to the point of this thread I suppose.
I can't believe there are so many insecure with relationships. The whole concept of judging for gender is as bad as judging for race, religion, and whatever else that makes us all so different. "People are people so why should it be, that you and I get along so awfully".

Precisely because people aren't people...men are men...women are women. We're DIFFERENT. We have different outlooks...different prerogatives...different needs. To lump us all together and call us the same is childish at best...and honestly...harmful to natural emotional development.

Pretty simple.

coolbluecris

Hanging out with a guy . . .

leads to discussions about life

leads to sharing fun experiences and places

leads to discussions about personal interests

leads to discussions about intimate thoughts and feelings

which eventually leads to being comfortable around their physical person

and they are comfortable around your physical person

and the sharing of conversation and private thoughts can lead to emotional attachment

and being comfortable physically as well . . . .

You can see where this is going. If you are hanging around with the new guy, you are actually really dating. If your boyfriend is the guy of your dreams, that you can see yourself building a life with, you just wouldn't hang out with another guy. Its not about whether your boyfriend "lets" you or not, the question is, Why do you want to?

slkehl

It sounds like a move to me, unless he's asking you to hang out in a group setting. If I met a guy somewhere and wanted to get to know him as a friend, I would never invite him to hang out one on one right away. Not because I would be tempted to cheat but just to make sure he wasn't getting the wrong message.

seventwenty

Hanging out with a guy . . .

leads to discussions about life

leads to sharing fun experiences and places

leads to discussions about personal interests

leads to discussions about intimate thoughts and feelings

which eventually leads to being comfortable around their physical person

and they are comfortable around your physical person

and the sharing of conversation and private thoughts can lead to emotional attachment

and being comfortable physically as well . . . .

You can see where this is going. If you are hanging around with the new guy, you are actually really dating. If your boyfriend is the guy of your dreams, that you can see yourself building a life with, you just wouldn't hang out with another guy. Its not about whether your boyfriend "lets" you or not, the question is, Why do you want to?

hahahahha....SERIOUSLY?! That's your causal chain?! As if EVERY co-ed conversation and friendship means you are dating...hahah oh man... this is rich...

mrsnathanandrew

So wait, let me see if I've got this straight.

Me being in a committed relationship with a man means that I can't hang out, by myself, with another man? Wow. I should get a shirt made that says, in a relationship I can't talk to anyone with a penis.

Seriously, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If you love your spouse, you're not going to do jack crap behind their back. I don't want to hear oh it's a respect thing, because if you respect your partner then there is nothing wrong with one on one time with another person of the opposite sex.

My fiance has a couple of female friends that he's hung out with one on one. He loves me, and I trust him. I know he's not going to do anything so it doesn't matter if he hangs out with them. Respect has nothing to do with him, if he respects me, then he'll respect that I may have a guy friend or two that I'll want to go have lunch with every now and then.

crisanderson27

So wait, let me see if I've got this straight.

Me being in a committed relationship with a man means that I can't hang out, by myself, with another man? Wow. I should get a shirt made that says, in a relationship I can't talk to anyone with a penis.

Seriously, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If you love your spouse, you're not going to do jack crap behind their back. I don't want to hear oh it's a respect thing, because if you respect your partner then there is nothing wrong with one on one time with another person of the opposite sex.

My fiance has a couple of female friends that he's hung out with one on one. He loves me, and I trust him. I know he's not going to do anything so it doesn't matter if he hangs out with them. Respect has nothing to do with him, if he respects me, then he'll respect that I may have a guy friend or two that I'll want to go have lunch with every now and then.

And you're more than welcome to feel this way. But I think it's funny that you're calling MY way of thinking wrong lol.

Mutual friends are all good...solo, again...case by case. That's how I feel...and that's how anyone I'm with will feel...because I wouldn't put her through feeling 'controlled' by having to meet the way I feel about it if she didn't feel the same. There are very few things in a relationship I will not abide...that's simply one of them. If either partner for any reason has a problem with friends on either side...you've got a choice as to who is more important. You can do your best to reassure them, or work to find out what the real cause of the problem is...but in the end, if they won't flex, you've got a choice.

What would you do, if one of your male friends gave your boyfriend vibes that made him uncomfortable, and he brought it up?

victoria4321

Personally, I don't think you can make any new male friends unless its in a forced situation. Such as a friend of a friend, a coworker, classmate, etc where as no attraction started, but you had to spend a lot of time together and eventually built a friendship. Aside from a new mutual friendship, anything else could possibly cause a problem in your relationship.

The only reason I believe this is most adults already have friends after a certain point in their lives. I don't know many people my age who go out to make new friends just to be friends. Usually one person is interested in the other person and that's never healthy for your relationship.

From my experience, I've never had any male friends who weren't eventually interested in me unless they were gay. (self admitted gay btw, not that I'm thinking "omg he doesn't like me he must be gay!@!~!@ ). I'm not sure about girls but I've had many guys tell me they don't even bother talking to a girl if they're not somewhat into them. Most guys I know don't have any interest in making new girl buddies. Also, if they claim to just want to be your friend it probably isn't true. Some guys will settle for the friendship in hopes that years later you'll finally be interested in them romantically. After that it only takes a few tiny bumps in your relationship for your new friend" to start looking good.

littlepinkhearts

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

Thank god those days are gone. No seriously. Nostalgic feelings aside, how many dysfunctional relationships went on for decades because a obtaining a divorce was a huge social taboo?

precisely...and not only was getting a divorce an issue, women were socially isolated and even more so, economically unable to even entertain the idea of leaving the relationship even if they wanted to.

mrsnathanandrew

So wait, let me see if I've got this straight.

Me being in a committed relationship with a man means that I can't hang out, by myself, with another man? Wow. I should get a shirt made that says, in a relationship I can't talk to anyone with a penis.

Seriously, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If you love your spouse, you're not going to do jack crap behind their back. I don't want to hear oh it's a respect thing, because if you respect your partner then there is nothing wrong with one on one time with another person of the opposite sex.

My fiance has a couple of female friends that he's hung out with one on one. He loves me, and I trust him. I know he's not going to do anything so it doesn't matter if he hangs out with them. Respect has nothing to do with him, if he respects me, then he'll respect that I may have a guy friend or two that I'll want to go have lunch with every now and then.

And you're more than welcome to feel this way. But I think it's funny that you're calling MY way of thinking wrong lol.

Mutual friends are all good...solo, again...case by case. That's how I feel...and that's how anyone I'm with will feel...because I wouldn't put her through feeling 'controlled' by having to meet the way I feel about it if she didn't feel the same. There are very few things in a relationship I will not abide...that's simply one of them. If either partner for any reason has a problem with friends on either side...you've got a choice as to who is more important. You can do your best to reassure them, or work to find out what the real cause of the problem is...but in the end, if they won't flex, you've got a choice.

What would you do, if one of your male friends gave your boyfriend vibes that made him uncomfortable, and he brought it up?

I didn't say it was wrong, just ridiculous.

I've had that happen. I've had guy friends that decided they wanted more and they came on to me, and I stopped being friends with them. I'm not going to get myself into the situation where something could happen like that, but I do think that a guy and a girl can be JUST friends without wanting a relationship.

AnninStPaul

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

AnninStPaul

Hanging out with a guy . . .

leads to discussions about life

leads to sharing fun experiences and places

leads to discussions about personal interests

leads to discussions about intimate thoughts and feelings

which eventually leads to being comfortable around their physical person

and they are comfortable around your physical person

and the sharing of conversation and private thoughts can lead to emotional attachment

and being comfortable physically as well . . . .

You can see where this is going. If you are hanging around with the new guy, you are actually really dating. If your boyfriend is the guy of your dreams, that you can see yourself building a life with, you just wouldn't hang out with another guy. Its not about whether your boyfriend "lets" you or not, the question is, Why do you want to?

So....how do you make sure that workplaces, schools, etc are all segregated by sex? And where do you live that such segregation is legal?

victoria4321

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

key point that you just made.

If he had a bunch of hot young single lady friends you'd probably have an issue.

AnninStPaul

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

key point that you just made.

If he had a bunch of hot young single lady friends you'd probably have an issue.

nope. he comes home, I come home, no big deal.

crisanderson27

Personally, I don't think you can make any new male friends unless its in a forced situation. Such as a friend of a friend, a coworker, classmate, etc where as no attraction started, but you had to spend a lot of time together and eventually built a friendship. Aside from a new mutual friendship, anything else could possibly cause a problem in your relationship.

The only reason I believe this is most adults already have friends after a certain point in their lives. I don't know many people my age who go out to make new friends just to be friends. Usually one person is interested in the other person and that's never healthy for your relationship.

From my experience, I've never had any male friends who weren't eventually interested in me unless they were gay. (self admitted gay btw, not that I'm thinking "omg he doesn't like me he must be gay!@!~!@ ). I'm not sure about girls but I've had many guys tell me they don't even bother talking to a girl if they're not somewhat into them. Most guys I know don't have any interest in making new girl buddies. Also, if they claim to just want to be your friend it probably isn't true. Some guys will settle for the friendship in hopes that years later you'll finally be interested in them romantically. After that it only takes a few tiny bumps in your relationship for your new friend" to start looking good.

I agree with you 100%, but they're just going to tell you you're stereotyping men. What's funny, is I AM a man, and I KNOW many men...and have known MANY more in my 37 years of life...and you've pretty much hit it on the head.

Can a man be just friends with an attractive woman?

Yes.

if she gives him the slightest crack...would he take it?

Almost invariably, yes.

Do you know the best way to avoid cheating? Because here's the thing...no matter how loyal you are, how honest, how loving, how ANYTHING, you're also human, and people slip, make mistakes, get put in compromising situations...the list goes on. But to the question. The ONLY way to 100% avoid cheating, is to not put yourself in a place where you have to make that choice.

Period. ANY other scenario, there is a chance. 1/100? 1/1000? 1/1000000? It's still a chance, and the more you like, care for, enjoy the company of...insert whatever term you use for good friends here...the more likely it can be.

Posting from my phone so I'm going to keep this short...but its seriously no surprise I'm single.

Good thing I'm ok with that...because with all this talk of dysfunctional relationships and controlling *kitten*...I'm amazed my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents marriages have lasted between 34yrs and climbing...and over 70yrs.

Thank god those days are gone. No seriously. Nostalgic feelings aside, how many dysfunctional relationships went on for decades because a obtaining a divorce was a huge social taboo?

precisely...and not only was getting a divorce an issue, women were socially isolated and even more so, economically unable to even entertain the idea of leaving the relationship even if they wanted to.

You've clearly never met many women from those days. Yes, what you've said did happen. No...it wasn't the norm. I'm not going to drag in the whole feminist deal here...but the things you've said there...make people like my grandmother (who lived in that time, had contemporaries in that time, and is far better qualified to judge than you or I), laugh her Keds off.

seventwenty

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

key point that you just made.

If he had a bunch of hot young single lady friends you'd probably have an issue.

What is this, middle aged turned middle school? Maybe, just maybe, people can have smoking hot friends and, gasp, be okay with being JUST FRIENDS.

One thing I'm wondering about, are those who generally lump themselves into the "there are issues with co-ed friendships" socially conservative and those who generally lump themselves into the "males and females can easily have co-ed friendships" socially liberal?

littlepinkhearts

Everyone is different and we all come from different places and have travelled different roads....just another reason to make sure that such issues are discussed in the beginning of a relationship or possible relationship just to avoid issues down the road.

crisanderson27

I didn't say it was wrong, just ridiculous.

Cause this is better than wrong lol??

:flowerforyou:

See my previous post regarding your prerogative on male/female friends. The one you shot down was just more pushy than the rest.

crisanderson27

Everyone is different and we all come from different places and have travelled different roads....just another reason to make sure that such issues are discussed in the beginning of a relationship or possible relationship just to avoid issues down the road.

Agreed!!!

crisanderson27

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

key point that you just made.

If he had a bunch of hot young single lady friends you'd probably have an issue.

One thing I'm wondering about, are those who generally lump themselves into the "there are issues with co-ed friendships" socially conservative and those who generally lump themselves into the "males and females can easily have co-ed friendships" socially liberal?

Observant, and probably somewhat accurate.

I omitted the first part of your statement, because, simply...it was neither.

runbikehike

hell yes you can....three (or four is a lot more fun )))))

sherrybaby81

I see absolutely no reason why you can't be friends with a guy. I have a husband and had a best male friend when I was dating my husband. My friend, unfortunately, passed away back in 2008. I even dated this guy, but we discovered we couldn't get over the friendship thing to make the relationship work. I met my husband through him and we all were friends If my friend were still alive, he would have been in our wedding.

Mind you, I had been best friends with my male friend since we were 11.

crisanderson27

do you really want a boyfriend who would limit your potential circle of friends by half?

hubby has female friends, I have male friends, it's not a big deal. most of them are married too.

key point that you just made.

If he had a bunch of hot young single lady friends you'd probably have an issue.

One thing I'm wondering about, are those who generally lump themselves into the "there are issues with co-ed friendships" socially conservative and those who generally lump themselves into the "males and females can easily have co-ed friendships" socially liberal?

Observant, and probably somewhat accurate.

I omitted the first part of your statement, because, simply...it was neither.

Awww... this narrowminded brah thinks he has all the answers and yet wants to say things like "we're all different" and "you've never met ladies today," b/c this brah with his uterus knows all about being a woman....

If you only had a clue what a fool of yourself you made by calling me 'narrow minded' (you don't know a thing about me 'brah')...and completely misquoting everything I said, you'd shut up and let the people who actually AREN'T narrow minded speak...while you learned something.

victoria4321

I agree with you 100%, but they're just going to tell you you're stereotyping men. What's funny, is I AM a man, and I KNOW many men...and have known MANY more in my 37 years of life...and you've pretty much hit it on the head.

Can a man be just friends with an attractive woman?

Yes.

if she gives him the slightest crack...would he take it?

Almost invariably, yes.

Do you know the best way to avoid cheating? Because here's the thing...no matter how loyal you are, how honest, how loving, how ANYTHING, you're also human, and people slip, make mistakes, get put in compromising situations...the list goes on. But to the question. The ONLY way to 100% avoid cheating, is to not put yourself in a place where you have to make that choice.

Period. ANY other scenario, there is a chance. 1/100? 1/1000? 1/1000000? It's still a chance, and the more you like, care for, enjoy the company of...insert whatever term you use for good friends here...the more likely it can be.

Exactly this. I honestly think anyone who says otherwise is just in some serious denial and any women who believes a guy just wants to be their friend is silly. My easiest relationships have been with guys who I started out as friends with. After all they already know so much about you and you're comfortable with the person, so the jump to making things physical is very easy.

Also I guess I can't say anything because we haven't defined everyone's definition of a friend. I can clearly differentiate between a friend and an acquaintance. At the same time, I know some people who call everyone they come in contact with their friend. I think it's fine to have many acquaintances. Your friends, on the other hand, you know a lot more about each other and you trust them on a whole other level. If you're truly serious about a person, you won't have any time or interest in making any new friends of the opposite sex anyway. Now if you're not that serious, then I see no harm. After all if the relationship doesn't work, you always have your friends on standby lol.

mrsnathanandrew

I didn't say it was wrong, just ridiculous.

Cause this is better than wrong lol??

:flowerforyou:

See my previous post regarding your prerogative on male/female friends. The one you shot down was just more pushy than the rest.

*sigh*

I just don't see the difference between a guy/girl being friends and a guy/guy, girl/girl being friends and hanging out. My moms best friend is a guy and they've been friends for a little over 20 years, he's married, my moms married, they get together and talk, and it's no big deal. Just how I see it.