I don't know what to do.... divorce?

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Replies

  • CarbonCopy007
    CarbonCopy007 Posts: 7
    That is what happens when you get married at 19. Good game.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    That is what happens when you get married at 19. Good game.

    I'm not sure that age is the issue. It's that as a society we artificially extend the time in which people are allowed to be immature without being called on it. Our grandparents married young, on average, and stayed together longer than we do now. My own parents married at 19 and 20 (see upthread.)

    It's the societal attitude that 19 year olds are supposed to be immature. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • 12by311
    12by311 Posts: 1,716 Member
    This is why people should live together before even becoming engaged, be together for at least two years before making a decision

    Your opinion...obviously. But I disagree. I didn't live with my husband before we got married. No need to - we've been married for 5 years and have a great relationship.

    I don't really care what others do as far as cohabitation. But it's not a necessity for a successful marriage.

    OP: Read again
    You asked. I'm gonna put it out there the way I see it, and I say this with much love. Tough. Marriage is tough. It is not as simple as should I have the "fish or chicken?" Stick with it through the tough times and have fun in the great times. You obviously think you are mature enough to be married so GROW UP, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Your life is shared with your husband now its just not about you. Get some wise counseling outside MFP and family. And yep I've been happily married 20 years and with my husband from age 19.

    Sounds like something my mom would have said. Love it.
  • jenny95662
    jenny95662 Posts: 997 Member
    This is why people should live together before even becoming engaged, be together for at least two years before making a decision and never rush into a relationship. I'm not really surprised that after two months of dating and 11 months of marriage you want a divorce.

    It takes more than two months to know a person. After four years with my fiance, I'm still surprised by things he does, still happily in love with him and when we can't stand each other, we work through it.

    You need to talk with him, start involving him in activities that make you AND him happy, and you need to give it an honest effort before writing off a guy you say treats you like gold. Wanting to travel or something along those lines is not a good enough excuse to go back on vows.


    i understand where your coming from BUT in my opinion i dont agree.I did not live with my husband and i knew him a short time. (and being in military it happens like that often and a lot of people stay together) I was dating my husband for 5 months he was an hour away and i saw him only a few hours wheni did see him other then on weekends that he had off (which was only 1 a month). Then he asked me to marry him and 3 weeks later we got married. He is military so we had to move out of state and away from my family (14 hours away) i was 22 and had never lived away from home or lived with a guy and i am celebrating my 7 year anniversary this year. Its not always easy but I knew i loved him and wanted to be with him.
  • zellagrrl
    zellagrrl Posts: 439
    That is what happens when you get married at 19. Good game.

    I got married at 22 to the guy I got engaged to at 17. I divorced him at 29 due to issues that had *nothing* to do with age, boredom or length of time knowing each other.
  • Lady_Bane
    Lady_Bane Posts: 720 Member
    Thats why you dont get married after dating for so short a time....I did that and was divorced in a year...
    im remarried now and i was with him for a year and a half....its been 3 years now...and i am SO happy
  • mamamudbug
    mamamudbug Posts: 572 Member
    This is why people should live together before even becoming engaged, be together for at least two years before making a decision and never rush into a relationship. I'm not really surprised that after two months of dating and 11 months of marriage you want a divorce.

    It takes more than two months to know a person. After four years with my fiance, I'm still surprised by things he does, still happily in love with him and when we can't stand each other, we work through it.

    You need to talk with him, start involving him in activities that make you AND him happy, and you need to give it an honest effort before writing off a guy you say treats you like gold. Wanting to travel or something along those lines is not a good enough excuse to go back on vows.


    i understand where your coming from BUT in my opinion i dont agree.I did not live with my husband and i knew him a short time. (and being in military it happens like that often and a lot of people stay together) I was dating my husband for 5 months he was an hour away and i saw him only a few hours wheni did see him other then on weekends that he had off (which was only 1 a month). Then he asked me to marry him and 3 weeks later we got married. He is military so we had to move out of state and away from my family (14 hours away) i was 22 and had never lived away from home or lived with a guy and i am celebrating my 7 year anniversary this year. Its not always easy but I knew i loved him and wanted to be with him.

    This. My parents met and 2 months later were married. My mother was 19. They've been married for 40 years now and she followed him with us kids from base to base until he retired.

    Sammy, you made a commitment and you need to try to see it through. He's not a puppy you can rehome because the new has worn off. Do the grown up thing and communicate with him. If there aren't any signs of the uglies (abuse, cheating, etc) you need to figure out what's best for both of you with his input.
  • Irish_Lanie
    Irish_Lanie Posts: 99
    God designed marriage to make us holy, not happy. Being obedient to God, choosing to love our spouse-turns holy into happiness.
  • bm99
    bm99 Posts: 597 Member
    Welcome to real life. Spouses get boring and lose their charm. Marriage is WORK, and hard work at that.

    I got knocked up when we were dating one month and by the time they were born we were married. This works because we MAKE IT WORK.

    This is a sad, sad generation that thinks marriage is something to throw away because you are bored or unhappy (and I don't mean abuse here, I mean general unhappiness that can typicallly be fixed with a little effort).

    Edit: The word "love" gets thrown around too much, as in "do you still love him?". What the hell does that matter? Marriage is committment, friendship, partnership and, if you're lucky, some sexual chemistry. It isn't butterflies and rainbows and feelings. It's damn hard work to keep a spark going after being with someone for years. I think we are trained to set our expectations too high and most of us divorce out of sheer disappointment.
  • 12by311
    12by311 Posts: 1,716 Member
    Edit: The word "love" gets thrown around too much, as in "do you still love him?". What the hell does that matter? Marriage is committment, friendship, partnership and, if you're lucky, some sexual chemistry. It isn't butterflies and rainbows and feelings. It's damn hard work to keep a spark going after being with someone for years. I think we are trained to set our expectations too high and most of us divorce out of sheer disappointment.

    I've always said that success in marriage is not based on happiness....it's based on what you can TOLERATE from the other person. ha! (only half true ;)
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    Talk to him, failing that get some counselling, failing that - let him go so he can find happiness with another.
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
    Se a counsellor or therapist. Don't base a huge life decision on what people on a fitness forum say.
  • librarygoddess2
    librarygoddess2 Posts: 145 Member
    I don't think, "not liking him the same" is a great reason to get divorced. People grow together and you can talk and work thing out so you are both happy. I agree with what was said about having fun and experiencing the world and marriage not being mutually exclusive. Why can't you do that together.

    You did make a commitment. Now on the other had I'm not against divorce. I'm divorced but my husband cheated on me. Even then we went to seek help and tried to work it out first. In the end Divorce is NOT the easy way out. Divorce is really quite a lot of work.

    My vote would be to talk to him and find out what it is you feel you're missing and see if you can achieve that together.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    You know...and this isn't going to go over well with the OP, but honestly I don't much care.

    I've been thinking about this thread a bit....and the conclusion I've come to is that counselling isn't likely to help. Nor will all the good advice in the world.

    For ONE reason.

    ANYONE, who is immature enough to come to MFP to help determine the future of her marriage, wasn't mature enough to be let out of her parents home without a curfew...much less have control of her own future, or any input in the future of the man that committed his life to her.

    This is just sad...and actually sort of makes me just the tiniest bit angry.

    Poor man.
  • SPNLuver83
    SPNLuver83 Posts: 2,050 Member
    Counseling.
    Marriage used to be til death do us part, not boredom.
    Consider talking to him, and going to counseling.
    ps: yes, I'm married.

    THIS. Marriage is suppose to be a sacred commitment,a promise to one another, for better or WORSE, until death. This kinda crap is what kills the sanctity of it all. It's so sad.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
    Oy...

    And you want a divorce why? All I get out of your OP was that you are bored.

    You are sooooooooooooooooooooo young. Heck, you look younger then 19! That's crazy you married so young and so quickly but its MARRIAGE. You can't just walk out of it. How do you think this will magically fix everything? Anything worth having is going to be hard work.

    I really think you should thing long and hard. You feel like you are missing out on life? You aren't! You are sharing your life with someone and you do not have kids. I married really early... just after turning 21. And I've been having more fun then when I was 18. I don't party anymore but that wasn't fun anyways. We get to do so much stuff together because we work as a team... it's someone that will always be around... and you can accomplish your dreams together. And we don't have children so we can stay out late, play video games all night or do whatever we want.

    Seriously... Rethink it long and hard.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    you should look into having an open marriage. Learn more about this on google.

    That way you can still have your cake, and eat it too.
  • ka_bateman
    ka_bateman Posts: 230 Member
    A woman told me once that all the feelings that you have of love and lust and excitement throughout the first part of your relationship will eventually go away. She said that when people say that relationships/marriages are hard work that they are talking about love. Sometimes you may struggle with your feelings, but remember what brought you together in the first place.

    Marriage is for life. I know you are young...I was 18 when I got married and we are celebrating 10 years on Friday. It wasn't always easy, we even separated for a while. But I trust him and he takes care of me. I can't imagine not having him around.
  • 388gigi
    388gigi Posts: 485 Member
    People shouldn't be allowed to marry at 19. Clearly.

    Obviously there are people who married at 19 and are happy. But that would still be the case if they got married a few years later!

    I don't understand how the US can let you marry before you're even allowed to drink!?
  • RobinNest40
    RobinNest40 Posts: 6 Member
    Sweetie, marriage is a commitment that you made before God. Scripture says that you should only divorce if your spouse cheats. You will be planting bad seeds for your life. I don't think this is a good reason for a divorce at all. Why don't you plan activites and have fun with your husband who treats you well. U may never again come across someone that treats you like he does.
  • ka_bateman
    ka_bateman Posts: 230 Member
    People shouldn't be allowed to marry at 19. Clearly.

    Obviously there are people who married at 19 and are happy. But that would still be the case if they got married a few years later!

    I don't understand how the US can let you marry before you're even allowed to drink!?

    I don't know if waiting until we were older would've made the first few years easier, but if I had to do it all over again I would definitely have waited.
  • ka_bateman
    ka_bateman Posts: 230 Member
    You asked. I'm gonna put it out there the way I see it, and I say this with much love. Tough. Marriage is tough. It is not as simple as should I have the "fish or chicken?" Stick with it through the tough times and have fun in the great times. You obviously think you are mature enough to be married so GROW UP, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Your life is shared with your husband now its just not about you. Get some wise counseling outside MFP and family. And yep I've been happily married 20 years and with my husband from age 19.
    THIS!

    I agree...that woman wins hands down :).

    You're awesome! Very happy that other people still value marriage even when it's not perfect!
  • hopeandlove91
    hopeandlove91 Posts: 40 Member
    I am 20 years old, so I can relate to being young. Marriage isn't perfect and it isn't easy. That is probably the most important thing I have learned in my 7 months of marriage. I have also realized that you are in charge of making yourself happy. Marriage doesn't mean that you can't go on a "self-weekend" or do those fun things that you used to do on your own or with friends. Marriage just means that you need to consider the other person when you make decisions and talk to them about it. I am really just starting to figure this out, but I know that when I said, "I do!" I really meant it. Many people will tell you that the first year or marriage is hard, but you are still trying to figure it all out. Don't give up before giving it a fair chance.
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
    What is wrong with kids these days?
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
    Can I just add that the scripture thumping is kind of inappropriate, considering none of you have any idea what OP's spiritual beliefs are. Just because she's married does not mean she follows your religion. People of ALL faiths and lack of faiths can get married.
  • Nataliaho
    Nataliaho Posts: 878 Member
    Can I just add that the scripture thumping is kind of inappropriate, considering none of you have any idea what OP's spiritual beliefs are. Just because she's married does not mean she follows your religion. People of ALL faiths and lack of faiths can get married.

    Didn't you know that marriage is Christian and Jesus was blonde-haired blue eyed and from the USA...
  • cohophysh
    cohophysh Posts: 288
    Can I just add that the scripture thumping is kind of inappropriate, considering none of you have any idea what OP's spiritual beliefs are. Just because she's married does not mean she follows your religion. People of ALL faiths and lack of faiths can get married.

    THANK YOU
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    Can I just add that the scripture thumping is kind of inappropriate, considering none of you have any idea what OP's spiritual beliefs are. Just because she's married does not mean she follows your religion. People of ALL faiths and lack of faiths can get married.

    Here we go....

    Please don't start your own sermon. They had an opinion that was based directly on the OP's problem.

    Yours above...wasn't.
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
    Can I just add that the scripture thumping is kind of inappropriate, considering none of you have any idea what OP's spiritual beliefs are. Just because she's married does not mean she follows your religion. People of ALL faiths and lack of faiths can get married.

    Didn't you know that marriage is Christian and Jesus was blonde-haired blue eyed and from the USA...

    :laugh:
  • FrugalMomsRock75
    FrugalMomsRock75 Posts: 698 Member
    You asked. I'm gonna put it out there the way I see it, and I say this with much love. Tough. Marriage is tough. It is not as simple as should I have the "fish or chicken?" Stick with it through the tough times and have fun in the great times. You obviously think you are mature enough to be married so GROW UP, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Your life is shared with your husband now its just not about you. Get some wise counseling outside MFP and family. And yep I've been happily married 20 years and with my husband from age 19.

    This.

    Unless he beats and/or belittles you...work it through. The two of you are still newlyweds and getting to know each other (even if you date for years, you don't know someone until you live with them. And nurse them through their first bout with the flu. Gross).

    Marriage is hard. If you're looking for an easy path, you should have stayed single.

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