I don't know what to do.... divorce?

Gyoza11

People shouldn't be allowed to marry at 19. Clearly.

Obviously there are people who married at 19 and are happy. But that would still be the case if they got married a few years later!

I don't understand how the US can let you marry before you're even allowed to drink!?

A generation ago, people got married much younger. My grandmother was 15 when she married and she thought I was an "old maid" because I was 18 and not married yet. I think this generation is just very immature for their age.

Um that was not "a generation ago". Getting married at 15 was common during the early part of the 20th century. That's 100 years ago.

Plus in those days marriages were almost always arranged marriages. People married for status and to further their family so it wasn't uncommon for everyone to have someone on the side for romantic love.
It's actually one of the reasons so many marriages in that time lasted so long. Because it wasn't a romantic thing, just to better your standing (also women were more of a commodity/worker rather than wives).

va_va_voom

Age and length of time spent dating have nothing to do with your ability to commit to marriage.

My grandma was 17 when she married my grandpa who was 18 (she lied about her age in order to marry him). They celebrated 64 years of marriage before she passed away. Oh - and did I mention that they met and got married 10 days later?

My parents knew each other 3 months before getting married and they will celebrate 40 years in July.

As other posters have mentioned, marriage isn't all sunshine and roses - it takes hard work, dedication, and open communication on both sides. If you weren't ready to step up, then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

There are few issues that merit divorce, IMO. Ongoing infidelity and abuse are the only two that are really legit, if you ask me. Boredom is definitely not a valid reason to divorce.

If there are things lacking from your relationship or that you want out of life (other than being able to be with other men) then talk to your husband and find ways to experience the things you want to experience. If you wanted to be able to be with other men, you should have taken that into consideration before you got married.

I will repeat what another wise poster said - put on your big girl panties and deal with the issues in your marriage or that are preventing you from being the best wife you can be for your husband. He deserves your best.

reallyregina

I'm only going to say that if you feel you rushed into marriage don't rush into divorce.

carolann_22

OP: I liked your second post. If finances are stressing you out, do something about it together. My husband and I are doing a Dave Ramsey class about Financial Peace and it's A. GREATLY reduced our stress about money and B. Made us realize we are really both on the same team. Opposites attract in life, but that can cause HUGE problems with finances - money is the number one reason couples in the US divorce. Understanding your innate differences and making a financial plan you are both happy with will help alot with that kind of stress.

saxmaniac

I'm not sure that age is the issue. It's that as a society we artificially extend the time in which people are allowed to be immature without being called on it. Our grandparents married young, on average, and stayed together longer than we do now. My own parents married at 19 and 20 (see upthread.) It's the societal attitude that 19 year olds are supposed to be immature. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

For someone who's not married, you sure win the thread.

OP got married. Now she's a grown up. Now she has responsibilities.

As for taking advice for random strangers on the internet, you've got another thing coming if you think therapists are much better, just because they paid money for a degree. Most therapists suck.

Here's a template for good, free life advice. Find people who 1) were like you, and now 2) are what you want to be. So, if you want to stay married - find an old married couple who married young like you, and ask them.

Ignore advice from people who don't have both, because there's a ****load of people who like to pretend they know what they are doing, while having accomplished nothing.

saxmaniac

Um that was not "a generation ago". Getting married at 15 was common during the early part of the 20th century. That's 100 years ago.

Not really. 100 years ago (1910) the median marriage age (for women) was 21.9, which is damn close to one generation ago (1980). Things really didn't change that much.

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005061.html

The age spike is *definitely* in this last generation. Just one generation ago (1980), the median age of marriage *was* much lower than now (22 vs 26). Still, it has never been anywhere near 15. However, it is definitely true that a lot *more* 15-year-olds did get married, pulling down that median.

callsitlikeiseeit

i married at 19 and have been married for 15 years.

we've been through every conceivable marriage difficulty you can imagine. financial, personal, legal.... you name it, weve been there.

there were times when it would have been easier to quit. there were times i didnt like my husband much, and he didnt like me much.

but you know what - our love for each other and our commitment to our marriage (and no, we are not religious) made us persevere.

i can't tell you what to do. no one here can. i think you probably married too young (most people at 19 are not mature enough to deal with it) I think you did not know him long enough/ well enough.

people today give up way too easy, and way too quick. if you both truly love eachother, this 'bump in the road' is nothing time and maybe some counseling (which i think is overrated) can't fix.

marriage is not easy, and is not for the faint of heart.

misscristie

I just seriously hope you've learned something from this experience. No advice for you. I'd give you a kick in the pants if you were my kid though. All with love of course.

I will tell you that when we're young and "in love" we can't see the forest for the trees and we're OK with settling. Then when we grow up and realize there is more to being in love with someone than "He's nice to me", things get better.

I married young, because I got pregnant with my daughter. It didn't work out. I was much more selective the second time around. My husband and I have been together for 11 years now and I love him more and more every day.

You just need to do what's right for you. He'll recover.

rmsrws

I have been married 18 years. Not all of it has been paradise! More like HELL!!! But we made a vow "til death due us part" That is suppose to be a sacred vow. Just because something is broke, ya don't throw it to the trash! Some things are worth fixing and you may find it works better than before!

Today so many people are willing to just throw things away rather than work for it, or fix it! Sad!

StaceyL76

Counseling.
Marriage used to be til death do us part, not boredom.
Consider talking to him, and going to counseling.
ps: yes, I'm married.

This.

BeautyQueen90

I was 19 when I got married 22 now still married best thing that ever happened to me.... Those are things you should have thought about before you got married. Marriage is a commitment. You just want to be happy? How come you can't be happy with him? Fun doesn't stop because your married but it does depends on what you call fun if it's not respectable to your marriage then it shouldn't be done. You should only divorce if he cheats is what God says. Give it a try... You already married him.

THayesTeamNoXQS

Give it to God!!

600racer

Talk to him about it. Get a counselor. Being married is hard sometimes and you have to work at it. Communication is the key. Remember to that marriage is not a 50/50 deal. Sometimes it is 60/40 or even 90/10 or 99/1. It just varies on which side of the equation you fall on. But talk about it, from the heart. Less than a year is not giving yourselves much of a chance.

BeautyQueen90

I was 19 when I got married 22 now still married best thing that ever happened to me.... Those are things you should have thought about before you got married. Marriage is a commitment. You just want to be happy? How come you can't be happy with him? Fun doesn't stop because your married but it does depends on what you call fun if it's not respectable to your marriage then it shouldn't be done. You should only divorce if he cheats is what God says. Give it a try... You already married him.

Also make it right now that your married if you don't feel how you felt learn to feel that way again find that love you had for him. Marriage is a serious thing for better or for worst, in sickness and in health til death do you part. Work together as ONE

Rivers2k

Divorce because your bored. That is going to start viscous cycle that will never end. Yes the butterflies fade after the honeymoon but in marriage it is replaced by so much more. Real love is not a feeling its a choice and when you choose to love someone it grows and grows. Grass is always greener on the other side pops into my head.

Please what ever you do don't try and fill that void with kids because then it gets even harder.

Nailrep

Do him a favor and be honest. He will marry again. Unless he's unstable, he will be okay. If you are already regretting your decision, imagine how you will feel when you are 30 or 40.

va_va_voom

I just wanted to clarify that it is not because I am "bored." For about a month now I just could never look at him the same.. every little thing he did got on my nerves. BUT tonight I read all of these responses and sat back and realized that I did make a commitment before God ( yes i am a strong christian) and I just needed to think about why I married him in the first place. There is nothing wrong with him, it is me that has changed. I did have a very long conversation with him and he was sweet and understanding. We are going to get couples counseling and try and work this out. Marriage isn't just something that happens. It is a life long commitment and yes some days will be tough but through it all I have the choice to fall in love with him again everyday. And I am choosing to do so.

And to clarify to the people I upset, I am sorry. I am not an immature 19 year old. I have lived on my own since I was 17 and I finished high school and am in college ( not that those things make you mature).

But thank you everyone for the tough love and support.

I guess I just got caught up in stress of finances and the bad things marriage brings, but there is so much more worth fighting for. I loved this man 11 months ago and my heart still belongs with him!!

This is good to hear - all relationships have good days and bad days, and finding a way to get through the bad times is a skill that will help you all of your life.

I did not read all the way through the thread before responding, so I was glad to come across this post by the OP. I agree with the person who responded here and said that finding a way to get through the bad times is definitely something that will help you lifelong.

chrishgt4

Counseling.
Marriage used to be til death do us part, not boredom.
Consider talking to him, and going to counseling.

No kidding. I wonder how parents anymore have skipped teaching this very important lesson to thier kids.

It's mind blowing.

It's a different world. That said, I'd hope folks would take that vow with the seriousness they entered into it with.
PS: I'm married.

I think the problem is - that seriousness was missed in the beginning. It was clearly rushed into without much thought. If she knows now that it was the wrong decision, then to stick with it because of some notion that it is wrong not to would be foolish.

Rivers2k

PS. I understand wanting to have fun and explore the world. What better way to do that than with a partner buy your side who loves you. I think the best thing to do is through out your TV. That will force the two of you to do stuff together.

AzhureSnow

You took a vow. You made a promise. What makes you think that "boredom" is sufficient grounds for divorce? Have you even talked to him?
The fact is - you're REALLY young, and being so young means you get bored easy (that's why marriage at such a young age is generally just a bad idea - you don't know what you want). What did you think you were agreeing to when you married him? "I vow to hang out with you until I decide you're no fun"?
Have you talked to him? A marriage counselor or pastor? You rushed into engagement... rushed into marriage... and it's caused problems. Don't rush into divorce, too.

bzmom

OP Im glad you talked to him and are willing to try and work it through.

I met my husband at 16 got pregnant 4months later had my precious baby boy and got married at age 17 he was 18. We will be celebrating 15years of marriage this coming december with 2boys and 1 girl now. Yup getting married young was tough adjusting to each other and the financial problems do not make it any easier that can be a HUGE cause of what you are feeling right now but it does get better in some cases or at least for me it did. Im glad you two are going to go to counseling I hope this helps find out where your real paths lie and hopefuly you can make it work. GL!!

NikkisNewStart

It's so unfair to assume that someone who has been divorced or is thinking of divorce doesn't take marriage seriously.

I am divorced and remarried and I take my marital vows seriously. Unless you're me, you can't make assumptions as to what I do or do not take seriously.

To the original poster- your husband should be the one you discuss this with- not strangers on the Internet. Good luck.

GinaKurtz

Well, I don't think that being married and having fun experiences are mutually exclusive. Is the guy you married not interested in your kind of fun? Do you share any common goals for the future?

I don't think it's wrong to get divorced if the relationship isn't good for you, but it might be worth it to talk - perhaps with a counselor - and work out if you two are on the same path or not.

I agree with this answer. I'm no expert, but we married fairly quickly as well. That was over 8 years ago... We're still happily married. Don't choose to walk out just because you realize it's not what they portray in the movies. It really does take work, but it's so worth it if you both put in the work and are both happy. Don't be so quick to walk away without putting in some work.

va_va_voom

It's so unfair to assume that someone who has been divorced or is thinking of divorce doesn't take marriage seriously.

I am divorced and remarried and I take my marital vows seriously. Unless you're me, you can't make assumptions as to what I do or do not take seriously.

To the original poster- your husband should be the one you discuss this with- not strangers on the Internet. Good luck.

It honestly depends on the reason for divorcing - and I feel qualified to say that since I am divorced and remarried, as well. Most of the smack talk I read about divorce in this thread was about not taking marriage and the vows associated with it seriously. There are absolutely reasons that merit divorce and those reasons, along with knowing that one exhausted all possible resources to fix the marriage, are the only time that I (personally) support the decision to divorce.

crimznrose

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I have to say that I think that people think that marriage is something you can dispose of because so many of us have divorced parents. I got married at 21 and will be celebrating 11 years of marriage to a wonderful man. However my parents did not set a very good example for me with their marriage. They were divorced at 17 years. I honestly can not imagine living with someone for that long and then just decided you don't want to be married to them any longer. I take my vows seriously. But I will say that if I was unhappy in my marriage, I would leave. But before I left, I would make darn well sure that I did everything in my power to see what I could do to save my marriage.

Original poster: talk to your husband, open communication will work wonders for a relationship!
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I definitely agree. I've been married 11 yrs and got married when I was 20. I admit I got married fast (we were engaged after 3 weeks and married after five months together. It's been a very rough 11 years. I didn't know who I was at that age and we are two very different people now. We've weathered a LOT of storms together and have a very tumultuous relationship. In those 11 years we've had maybe two years of being "happily married", but we haven't given up yet. We're trying to make it work because those are vows to take seriously and too many people take them lightly. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean the end of your life and identity. Discover yourself as part of a couple AND as an individual. We do activities together but I also do my own thing. The weight loss and workouts are all me. He plays golf while I like to get out and do things. Before you throw in the towel, talk to him and really reflect on why you got married in the first place.

sjmitchner

Talk to your husband about your concerns and maybe a councilor, parent or pastor too.

OP:
Glad to see you're trying to work this out. I wish you luck and future happiness!

Bentley2718

It sounds like you both made a mistake and got married too soon and too young. Breaking up is difficult, whether you're married or not, but it seems unlikely to me that he will kill himself or never marry again. Talk to him, go see a counselor, but if it's really not working, it's really not working--you're young, you don't want to feel like you've settled for something, you'll just end up resenting him.

And yes, I'm married. In fact, we've been married just about 11 months as well. The difference is that my husband and I were together for 4 years before we got married, and we're both substantially older. Sometimes people meet, get married quickly and/or young and it works out, but realistically, it often doesn't.

saxmaniac

Despite my feelings otherwise, all these "true reasons for divorce" are pointless. If someone wants to divorce you, they can and will, and people will always disagree with your personal right & wrong reasons. Hopefully, not the person you chose as your spouse.

What matters is the legal climate -- and that's no-fault divorce. It's a contract that can be dissolved at will, nothing more. Sadly, marriage is something that one person can unilaterally dispose of.

Mr_Cape219

This thread has given me faith in today's time. Not with what the OP had said and asked, but with the responses it evoked.

I was sure that I was the only one that saw marriage as a partnership, team, whole-hearted commitment that bonds two people together in promise through thick and thin. The way things are today with movie stars going through marriages like a hot knife through butter, so many people divorcing now because of things like "we didnt connect" or "it got boring" (thats why you court the woman. So you build a relationship.) The responders all have the same idea that I was brought up with.

Important core values that are damaged like abusive behaviour or unfaithfulness should not be tolerated at all. No man should lay a finger on his wife, or evoke any pain emotionally or physically. He is there to protect and provide for her. If he beats you, OP, then leave. I dont stand for that. But if you are just bored from him providing for you and caring for you, why would you want to leave him? Open marriages seem so fake to me. I could not stand the thought of my woman being humped by other men to try a new appendage, nor would I ever want to make love to a woman who is not mine because I want to get off to something new. It's unethical and not really what marriage is about.

Endure, forgive and forget, and keep your promises.

callmecaptain

You are young and fun doesn't end after marriage. I hate to sound harsh but lets face it, you took vowes and he is in love with you and took vowes also. You sign a contract to be a team not to just have lots of giggles and fun. Giggles and fun are there when you edify each other and grow your relationship as one. It's not just a feeling it is a partnership and if he is doing all these great things for you, he is a great guy and if you divorce because you just want to have fun, you are being cruel. If you do decide to do this at least do it before you have kids and break their hearts too. You need to look into the future..... one day you will be 45 and fun changes. The only fun you can't have married is running around with other guys, unless you are both swingers and most married couples aren't. I hope that isn't what you feel you are missing out on.

Couples that play together stay together so go have fun with the guy who promised you till death, better or worse, thick and thin and so on......

I suggest this book to any couple happy or not "The five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. it is a quick and easy read and is great way to start a realtionship or fix one without reading tons and tons of books. Get it and talk to you hubby.