Does anyone else NOT want kids?

SomeMorr

So I just turned 28 and I am married. I have always said "kids aren't my thing". My husband is on the fence and might like one but knows how I feel. I suppose many Mother in Laws & mothers are this way where they will constantly talk about babies or ask about when I plan on having kids, since I am getting to the age where I would need to decide soon. How do you say that you don't want them? My MIL keeps talking about my husband holding our new niece as "good practice", but I don't have the heart to tell her how I feel! Any advice?

diannethegeek

I'm 29 and don't want to have kids. I love my niece to death, but I just don't want one of my own. I've reached the age where all of my friends are newly married and trying for the first baby so I'm starting to feel a bit out of the group, but it helps that I'm single so I get a lot more "We need to find you a guy" and a lot less "You need to start making babies."

My sisters both keep telling me that I'll change my mind one day, but I've done a lot of thinking on this and I just don't want to have a child of my own for my own reasons.

impyimpyaj

My BIL and his long-term girlfriend don't want kids. I have 2, and I'm happy, but I can see their standpoint. I hate the whole "you'll change your mind" thing. Why? I didn't change my mind AFTER having kids, why would it stand to reason that you would change your mind and decide you suddenly want them? If you don't want children, it's really nobody's business. Giving reasons when someone asks you just makes it sound like you're giving excuses, so frankly if I were you I'd just tell them that you don't want children, and move on to the next topic.

As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.

H8T3D

I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.

benich3043

I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.

Exactly

helganog

Nope.
I'm allergic

RaeLB

Right now I can't picture myself with children. However, I never say "never" because I could change my mind someday. (I also use to not want to get married but I changed my mind about that and I'm 80% sure I want to marry).
I've always been very vocal about how I feel so I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone.

As far as telling your MIL I would suggest that you need to present yourself as a united front so it doesn't come across as your husband wants children but you're the "bad guy" (I know you said he's on the fence but it could come across this way). I think you should all sit down together & your husband should tell her that right now you guys don't see children in your future. I think it is important that your husband does the talking since it is his mother & he needs to present it as a your decision as a couple so it minimizes any possible issue between you & your MIL.

jenkidney

As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.

^This. Because if your mother in law is anything like mine, coming from you will create more hassle.

But overall, I've had lots of friends who don't want kids. They love seeing and interacting with mine, but they don't feel the need to have any of their own. I can't imagine trying to "convince" them that they should anyway. Best of luck to ya with dealing with your mother in law!

RaeLB

As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.

Yes! exactly.

JustJennie1

I'm 37 and my husband and I are not having kids. He got a vasectomy last year so that I could go off the pill.

We don't really like children and our lifestyle does not fit children. We vacation a lot -- and yes, we could have "different" vacations with children but you don't know our vacations so something "different" is out of the question. Not to mention the fact that we don't even like encountering children when we're on vacation.

How do you handle it? Just tell them that you and your husband are not having children because neither of you wants them. I know it will be tough because people will persist and push the issue. Tell them that it's YOUR choice YOUR decision and they need to respect that. I got crap from my SISTER'S mother-in-law once when I said we're not having kids. She's like 'Well what happens when something happens to B? Who's going to take care of you? If you had a kid you'd have them to take care of you." My response: "Well, if something were to happen to B with any luck I'll have a super hot pool boy to take care of me." LOL!

Whatever you decide to do it's your choice and no one else. You're the one that has to live with your decision. Chances are good if you have a child because everyone pressured you to do it you won't be happy and guess what? Your family might not be willing to watch him/her all the time. Someone posted that they "hated kids until they had them." that it's "different when it's your own." Maybe so but to the OP is that something you're willing to bet on? That your mind will change just because you have a child?

I personally didn't want to bet on something like that.

dayone987

I'd say if you don't want kids don't have them and good for you for recognizing that. Is it possible that your husband is sending another message? To me "on the fence" could mean that he really wants them and is hoping you'll change your mind.

Shamrock_me

Sage advice: Rubber Mallets were invented so Mother In Laws would shut up...

I have kids they're far from kids and baby and I am totally in love with kids I wish I'd had 10 but NOT NOW... lol As for people that are pushy I suggest you feel free to advise MIL and anyone else about how THEY should have that baby THEY want so badly repeatly in the same fashion as they do you. Make sure to offer to be a reference for foster parenting / adopting.

I'd have way more fun with it - make tear off tab flyers for extremely cheap baby sitting to hang in laundromats and at churches with their contact information. ~~ hopefully this makes you smile more than consider it. I'd do it!! But every sane person whom knows my tactics would tell you OMG don't listen to her!

Good Luck! And when it comes with any 'mother' in law or not - it can take years of blatant rudeness to get through to them about what they want not being what you want.

Mhaney

meh.. I never wanted kids, hated kids, but somehow I ended up with my first one while on the pill. since then i've had two more. It's different when they are your own.
I still hate other people's kids

SomeMorr

I'd say if you don't want kids don't have them and good for you for recognizing that. Is it possible that your husband is sending another message? To me "on the fence" could mean that he really wants them and is hoping you'll change your mind.

Sometimes I wonder this, I told him way before we got married that if not having children was a deal breaker then we should not get married. The other night I had said something about how it annoyed me that she brings it up, her "co-worker" asked when we were planning on it and -to him when we were alone- I said "Nevaaa" lol. He said "Never is so long".. So that makes the situation worse. I do remind him of the fact that I told him about how I felt way before we got married. UGH

Edit: I do love my nieces and nephews, but they are enough kid contact for me

ironanimal

The earliest I would consider them is about 15 years time. Maybe by then I'll be old and sage enough to tolerate their high-pitch wailing.

coachblt

I don't want any more kids. Love the 2 daughters I do have more than anything, though.

If you don't want them, don't have them. If you have them, love them unconditionally. Enjoy!

KCoolBeanz

I'm 33, and I've never had the desire to have kids, ever. It's something I've always been vocal about. I love kids - just ones that belong to other people!

It irritates me when people blatantly ask you "so when are you having kids" or something similar. My response is usually: "Don't want 'em, thanks!" My favorite though, was when I went to a baby shower...I was holding the baby, and this woman comes up to the table and announces: "oooohhh look at her holding the baby!" and says to me: "Doesn't that just make you want one?" And of course, the table goes quiet becuase I'm the only childless person there, and I say "not at all" and smile. :-)

catshark209

I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.

Me too. I'm not very maternal. Then I had my son.

chubby_checkers

I'm on the fence about it. I don't say that I'll never have them but I'm not actively trying to have them.

mtaylor33557

I love (most) kids. I have one. We are done.

So I constantly get the "when are you having another?" "You can't just have one, that's not fair to him!"

How is it not fair? He has friends he's grown up with since birth, cousins that he loves, classmates at daycare.. a large church family with tons of kids to interact with.. but at the end of the day, I don't lose my mind running after 2 or more children!

We're young too. I'm 28, husband is 31. So people just assume we're going to continue to spit out kids.. nope, doesn't always work that way!

HauteP1nk

I would just tell them that I don't want kids. Usually it shuts people up when you say that and they leave you alone.

It really angers me when people are always asking when I am going to be having kids. My coworkers are all over me with those questions...

I have been back and forth on whether I want children. I don't want them now, but I'd like to have them in the future. If I do have a kid I think I just want one. I'd love to adopt one day...

Nactasha

I love my son unconditionally and I think I may want another (maybe!). I expected the sleepless nights and all the little battles, my only wish is that someone would have warned me that I would never have another second alone again! Lol. Seriously though, I have a co-worker that does not want children and I make sure to back her whenever it comes up. It is one of the most fulfilling and hardest jobs that anyone will ever do, but if you don't want to do it just enjoy the life you are creating for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that, but I know many women may stumble into making other women feel that way. I see it happen all the time, I don't think it is on purpose, it's just because once you have kids you stop seeing life in any other way. It's part of the job description, and something that helps make you a great Mom.

If you chose to have kids, then all those Mommy hormones kick in, and you wouldn't want another day without yours. But that doesn't mean that life wasn't equally great before. Have a great life with all the free time and adult vacations that all of us other Mom's dream about. We have to live vicariously through someone!

gwduker

I have a female freind much younger than me that insisted she didn't want kids. In fact she divorced her husband and alienated her parents because she refused to have kids. She is now 34, remarried, and I found out she spent the last 2 years trying to get pregnant, and succeded. My point? Cercumstances change, and so do peoples minds.
I never gave kids much thought, wasn't sure I wanted any, but when my daughter came along, I wouldn't change it for the world.

gingerveg

If you are on the fence don't have them there are 7 BILLION people in the world! Check out this link for some perspective http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/ If you really want children AND you have the resources, energy, intellect and enthusiasm then go ahead. Children really change your life and I believe one needs to be 100% committed (there are some amazing parents out there). But children are extremely expensive, they will change your relationship (sometimes for the better but often for the worse at least temporarily) and they are also horrendous for the planet/environment. So there are pros and cons, but really I think there are too many thoughtless pregnancies/oops pregnancies/my parents did it so I should do it pregnancies and also not enough foresight to either terminate or give the child up for adoption if the couple is clearly ill prepared. Of course the answer is proper use of birth control (with an emergency back up birth control) in the first place but alas...

To answer your question yes we are out here I am happily childfree at 39 with no regrets.

ETA: Sorry I forgot to add this. As for the advice I would just stave people off by changing the subject. I had to do that for years. Now that I'm at the tail end of my reproductive lifespan I don't really get it anymore. I have a lot of snide remarks you could give people such as when someone asks about children say "we're $%##@ like mad but it doesn't seem to be happening!" or say with a smile "god hasn't blessed us with children" or "Maybe we are doing it wrong would you mind explaining what we are supposed to be doing?" start crying and say "It's medically impossible!" all of these will remind people that it is none of their business. As for the MIL or your own parents when they say they want grandkids tell them they should have had more children to up their odds. It's not your responsibility. But of course these responses are a wee mean spirited

Chipmaniac

People who don't want kids definitely shouldn't have them. The last thing we need are parents who are resentful of the children in their care.

Josie_lifting_cats

I never wanted kids.

Then I suddenly did.

So I waited a while to make sure it wasn't temporary insanity, then we had kids. I have a boy and a girl. And I don't have to worry about temporary insanity right now, because my life is FULL TIME insanity.

But I love them. I'm thankful for them. I'm glad I have them. And I would never take it back. NEVER.

Bentley2718

I'm 31 and at this point, I have no interest in having children, my family has been well-aware of this for a long time. Thankfully, neither my family, nor my mother-in-law are hung up on this. Back when I was dating, I had a "serious" boyfriend whose mother was "looking forward" to grandchildren, I told him it was between him and his mother to have this conversation, since he didn't want children either--she wasn't too happy, but that really wasn't my problem (and she hated me anyway).

Also, I too get really sick of the "you'll change your mind" thing. I think it is an exceptionally rude thing to say to someone, and a subtle way of pressuring them to have children. I also find it irritating when people feel the need to tell you their "conversion story" of how they went from not wanting kids to have kids--that's great for you, I'm glad you're happy, but that has nothing to do with me, or my decision--again, I view it as a subtle way of pressuring you to do the "socially acceptable" thing. In my mind, "everyone else is doing it" is a better reason to jump off a bridge than to have a child.

As a side note, when I was about 16, someone said "you'll change your mind" to me in front of my mother, who responded with "you don't know my child." The woman who said it looked like my mother just slapped her--I just smirked, it's nice when your parents have your back. My mother has "aunty" time with her great-nieces and nephews, so she gets to do grandmother things, and she happily asks how her grand-cats are doing (she even makes them little "cat quits" to sleep on).

lbrown246

I have a friend that doesn't want kids and people do the same to her. Oh you'll change your mind. Oh once you marry him in the fall you'll decide you want to have a big family. All that kind of stuff. I, personally, am on the fence. My grandmother bugs me constantly because I'm 24 and haven't been on a date since I was 16. She is always saying I need to date so I can get married so I can have kids. Well... I don't necessarily want kids. I am a teacher. I have 22 of them for 10 months out of the year LOL That's pretty good birth control.

If I do, I will probably adopt. It pains me to see unwanted kids.

Phrak

Never want kids of my blood, id make a terrible father.

bbygrl5

I will be married for eleven years next month and up until a few months ago I have not wanted them. Now, I'm undecided. It's not helping that my husband is really wanting them, lol.

JennieAL

Tell them the truth. That's it. Point blank. It's your life. Kids are a huge responsibility. My Dad is the only one who's hinted around... and it's because he doesn't know me well anymore. Lol. If he didn't, he wouldn't have assumed. My grandfather knows better... he asks about "the cats" and happily so.

I've always leaned toward not having them. Made sure my husband understood this BEFORE marriage. He would like them, but he doesn't want one if I don't.

I never subscribed to the idea that ALL women are maternal... we just aren't. Oh well. Life is too full of other things to do.