ugh!! people judge quickly

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Replies

  • EpiGaiaRepens
    EpiGaiaRepens Posts: 824 Member
    Ok, so even if the statistics show living together first ends in more divorce...

    Maaaayyyyybeee the people who are so against living together before marriage are also those so against getting a divorce no matter how unhappy they are.

    A part of me wishes I would have waited until marriage just for the romantic honeymoon... but then another part of me realizes I would be a 31 year old virgin without the most amazing 4 year old ever in my life.

    awww... that's sweet.

    And I agree with your point about the people who wait until they are married are the same people who stay married no matter what. I've seen some ladies from some older generations stay in really abusive relationships because they believe they should not get divorced. I just have a hard time thinking God would rather a good woman stay with a man who beats her (and the kids) than to let her get divorced and find a decent man who treats her (and the kids) well.

    Mind you, older couples, I'm not saying this is true for all. My grandparents were the most amazing couple ever. Married at 28 until they died they were inseperable. THe funny thing is, only one was christian. The other was pagan. Their marriage wasn't based on religion, it was based on their commitment to eachother.... I dunno. That kinda love is rare and beautiful and amazing and I miss my grandparents so much <3
  • jillica
    jillica Posts: 554 Member
    I have the other side of it. We did live together before we got married and would recommend a couple NOT to because...

    We had issues from the transition of going from roommates who are dating to husband & wife.

    Even though we got married, we kept the "single" habits we had formed while we lived together dating. It made it hard to develop "married" habits as a couple.
    What kind of habits? (I'm genuinely asking by the way, not trying to argue or make a point or anything like that). I've lived with my fiance for a year now and in that year alone we've made a lot of changes (esp. financially with groceries, bills, and all that) but we still have a lot of separate things that I'm happy with for now but don't want to bring into marriage.

    Yes, finances were one of them. You can't really tell someone you are just dating that they shouldn't spend their money that way. It was also our separate activities with our friends. And even household chores. Maybe we were just a bunch of whimps that didn't want to start a fight so we didn't say anything. I REALLY believed that once we were married, he would act more like my idea of a "husband". I was VERY naive. I really think my huband thought I was going to turn into a housekeeping machine when we got married, too - HA!

    Be smart and know that the issues you have now while dating will still be there when you get married (& maybe even bigger) AND talk about eachother's expectations of married life. We never did that. We both ASSumed because we loved eachother that we'd each would be the perfect spouse.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
    I have the other side of it. We did live together before we got married and would recommend a couple NOT to because...

    We had issues from the transition of going from roommates who are dating to husband & wife.

    Even though we got married, we kept the "single" habits we had formed while we lived together dating. It made it hard to develop "married" habits as a couple.
    What exactly do you differently living together unmarried and married? o.O I don't see why two rings can affect your behaviour so much.
    The biggest example I can think of would be finances.

    I can understand things like life insurance and wills, but if you're living together you're already working on things like rent, utlilities and groceries.

    This is unless you lived in seperate rooms, split the bills and bought only groceries for yourself. And that just blows my mind.
    In my situation, we're both college students so neither of us are making any real money. We split the bills and the groceries but the rest of our money is totally separate (not that either of us have a lot of it). When we get married after college and hopefully have real jobs, actually having money and learning how to combine it will be a pretty big transition for us!
  • raindance_maggie
    raindance_maggie Posts: 150
    um, at the very end of the day it's this:

    who the *kitten* cares what someone else's life is like. its not yours.
  • sammyjowedeking
    sammyjowedeking Posts: 116
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    lol humans
  • engodwin
    engodwin Posts: 516 Member
    So someone on my FB just made a status saying "If you are not married yet, you shouldn't be living together" and this was meant towards me because before my husband and I got married, we lived together for a few months....

    I see nothing wrong with this! It does not mean we hare having sex just because we live together so stop judging and live your life and leave mine alone

    First let me just say, I don't see a problem with it at all. People who do can shut it. It's your life - live it the way you see fit. Don't let other people get to you. :)

    Now, if this bothers you b/c you are a Christian and you feel conflicted about it then... PRAY. If you're an active member in your church and this is from other church members I can see how they would "jump to conclusions" but again don't let it get to you. As a Christian we are suppose to live "right" according to the Lord. Nothing in the Bible says "don't live with someone until you get married" but it also says don't put yourself in tempting situations. Sooooo catch 22 really. Christians believe the whole don't live together before your married b/c of the latter. And believe that you should lead by example. If you people look at your life they shouldn't question if you are living "right" or "wrong" so I get where people come from. But YOU know the truth and I think the rest is between you and God.

    :)
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
    I have the other side of it. We did live together before we got married and would recommend a couple NOT to because...

    We had issues from the transition of going from roommates who are dating to husband & wife.

    Even though we got married, we kept the "single" habits we had formed while we lived together dating. It made it hard to develop "married" habits as a couple.
    What kind of habits? (I'm genuinely asking by the way, not trying to argue or make a point or anything like that). I've lived with my fiance for a year now and in that year alone we've made a lot of changes (esp. financially with groceries, bills, and all that) but we still have a lot of separate things that I'm happy with for now but don't want to bring into marriage.

    Yes, finances were one of them. You can't really tell someone you are just dating that they shouldn't spend their money that way. It was also our separate activities with our friends. And even household chores. Maybe we were just a bunch of whimps that didn't want to start a fight so we didn't say anything. I REALLY believed that once we were married, he would act more like my idea of a "husband". I was VERY naive. I really think my huband thought I was going to turn into a housekeeping machine when we got married, too - HA!

    Be smart and know that the issues you have now while dating will still be there when you get married (& maybe even bigger) AND talk about eachother's expectations of married life. We never did that. We both ASSumed because we loved eachother that we'd each would be the perfect spouse.
    Oh, okay. We've been together for 5 years now so the whole not wanting to say something to bother the other person/start an argument has been gone for a long time! And our deal is that he does all the dishes and changes the litter box and does most of the laundry and I do the rest, and it's been working well for a year now! The only thing that I don't know what to expect is what it will be like when we both have real jobs and actual money, as our relationship started in high school and we're in college now so it's not something that either of us have dealt with before!
  • Drawberry
    Drawberry Posts: 104 Member
    So someone on my FB just made a status saying "If you are not married yet, you shouldn't be living together" and this was meant towards me because before my husband and I got married, we lived together for a few months....

    I see nothing wrong with this! It does not mean we hare having sex just because we live together so stop judging and live your life and leave mine alone

    The point isn't if you and your husband where having sex or not, the point is that it isn't someone else's business what you're doing with your life. Statements like that come from people who just feel an arrogant right to dictate other's lives by their own set of beliefs,standards, and morals.
  • CrystalDreams
    CrystalDreams Posts: 418 Member
    the way i look at it, you need to know if you can live with someone before you marry them. I mean I've date people who seeing them all the time was great, until we had to share a living space. Never would have know that if i didnt let them live with me. People are judgy and nosy, live youre fabulous, happy life and let them sit there all miserable and sad. Dont let miserable people bring you down =)
  • jen88ve
    jen88ve Posts: 153
    Tell them to mind their business! LOL I hope you are happy with your husband and made the right choice! I'm not married, but I personally would never marry someone without living with them first because you need to see if that is something you're able to do before moving on. But people can do whatever they feel comfortable with doing! She shouldn't be talking about you via facebook... very immature!
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    In my situation, we're both college students so neither of us are making any real money. We split the bills and the groceries but the rest of our money is totally separate (not that either of us have a lot of it). When we get married after college and hopefully have real jobs, actually having money and learning how to combine it will be a pretty big transition for us!
    Yes, finances were one of them. You can't really tell someone you are just dating that they shouldn't spend their money that way. It was also our separate activities with our friends. And even household chores. Maybe we were just a bunch of whimps that didn't want to start a fight so we didn't say anything. I REALLY believed that once we were married, he would act more like my idea of a "husband". I was VERY naive. I really think my huband thought I was going to turn into a housekeeping machine when we got married, too - HA!

    Be smart and know that the issues you have now while dating will still be there when you get married (& maybe even bigger) AND talk about eachother's expectations of married life. We never did that. We both ASSumed because we loved eachother that we'd each would be the perfect spouse.

    People don't just change suddenly and become perfect after putting a ring on. Its easier to pull finances when your dating then just a room mate. What if one month you get sick and are short on rent? Did your spouse kick you out and find a new roommate? Or you wanted some milk that your spouse bought, or do you buy two seperate gallons of milk? With roommates (usually) they don't pay your half of the water, electric or cable if you come up short. Maybe once so it doesn't get turned off, but after that you're usually evicted if you can't make ends meet.

    These are the little things that become ambiguous when living with a lover as opposed to a roommate. So unless this happened, I don't think that it was completely 'single' living.
  • jen88ve
    jen88ve Posts: 153
    I'd never marry someone without living with them first. You really learn a lot about a person when you live with them!!

    A fairly bad comparison but I wouldn't buy a shoe without trying it on. I am a firm believer that in order to truly KNOW a person, you need to either do long traveling, live with or do business with them. Thats when the true characteristics come out

    I wouldn't buy a car before a test drive! hehe :smile:
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    People who make statements like that are emotionally immature, feel sorry for them -- but not so sorry that you don't delete them.
  • mcrowe1016
    mcrowe1016 Posts: 647 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 567 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?

    No. Because her friend is being a passive aggressive *kitten* hat.
  • mcrowe1016
    mcrowe1016 Posts: 647 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?

    No. Because her friend is being a passive aggressive *kitten* hat.

    LOL....you know nothing about this "friend" and are callling her names, thereby judging too quickly which is the EXACT same thing the OP was complaining about.

    So you are, in fact, disagreeing with the OP :laugh:
  • CarolinaGirlinVA
    CarolinaGirlinVA Posts: 1,508 Member
    I happen to be married (will be 13 yrs this month), but if I should ever find myself single again, I would NEVER marry a man who I didn't live with for at least 5 years first!

    It will be 13 years for us next month. :)
  • Krissy366
    Krissy366 Posts: 458 Member
    Be smart and know that the issues you have now while dating will still be there when you get married (& maybe even bigger) AND talk about eachother's expectations of married life. We never did that. We both ASSumed because we loved eachother that we'd each would be the perfect spouse.

    I think people should do that whether they live together first or not. Sigh...too many people don't have meaningful conversations about what it means to them to BE married before they go and GET married.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?

    No. She might be complaining about what this "friend' said, but I don't see her judging them.

    Oh, I lived with my husband for 1 1/2 years before we got married and we were married 20 years last month. Yes, there have been ups and downs, some worse than others, but we love each other and are committed to each other. Probably more so now than when we first started living together or were first married. Because we have so much invested in each other after so long.
  • mcrowe1016
    mcrowe1016 Posts: 647 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?

    No. She might be complaining about what this "friend' said, but I don't see her judging them.

    Oh, I lived with my husband for 1 1/2 years before we got married and we were married 20 years last month. Yes, there have been ups and downs, some worse than others, but we love each other and are committed to each other. Probably more so now than when we first started living together or were first married. Because we have so much invested in each other after so long.

    Person goes on facebook and (while making no reference in particular to the OP) says that you shouldn’t live together before marriage. This is an opinion she has.

    I don’t know the entire back story, but for some reason, the OP thinks this post is directed at her. It very well could be – I don’t know. She feels judged and comes onto MFP to express that in her opinion this statement was judgey and people shouldn’t judge too quickly. There is obviously judgment towards this “friend”, IMO.

    In other words – complaining about someone is judging them. All the “friend” was doing was complaining about people living together before marriage. This is considered a judgment, but the OP complaining about the “friend” isn’t?

    And, for the record, I don’t care if people live together or don’t live together before marriage.
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 567 Member
    I didnt really come on here to whine about the fact that she said that. Im a big girl I can handle it. I just wanted to bring up the issue all together about people judging others to quickly..

    My relationship is mine and his and no one gets to decide what we do with it.

    But aren't you judging this "friend"?

    No. Because her friend is being a passive aggressive *kitten* hat.

    LOL....you know nothing about this "friend" and are callling her names, thereby judging too quickly which is the EXACT same thing the OP was complaining about.

    So you are, in fact, disagreeing with the OP :laugh:

    Welp...this thread is not about me. It is about someone who made a comment that is absolutely idiotic.
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    I love this comic:
    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/living_significant_other


    Aw, shoot. There goes my productivity for the day.

    Lol I know right
  • sammyjowedeking
    sammyjowedeking Posts: 116
    I have posted in a commetn ebfore that I know this post is about me because me and this person had a private message going on about 30 minutes before about how I am not a christian and I am a horrible sinner for living with him before marriage, etc..... it may be a coincedence but I highly doubt it...
  • DeadlyDame13
    DeadlyDame13 Posts: 197 Member
    Live with my guy 5 yrs now......judge me because I can care 2 cents on people's evil opinions ....and we have a 3 month old....so what we will get married when a. There's money b. I feel like it c. After I lose the baby weight I need to looook fab in those pics lol
  • ajball90
    ajball90 Posts: 211 Member
    I would NEVER marry a man who I didn't live with for at least 5 years first!

    I agree with this. Imagine if you married someone, then found out things didnt work out when living together! I think you should just ignore this person on fb, they should concentrate on their own life!
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    In my opinion I am glad I didn't live with him before we got married. November will be 5 year we have been married :love:
  • Rhea30
    Rhea30 Posts: 625 Member
    I think that it should be required as part of pre marital counseling that you need to live together for 3 months before getting married. I would be willing to be there would be less divorces. That towel that's left on the bathroom floor may be endearing the first few times but after picking it up for the zillionth time and telling your SO again not to do it grates on your nerves.

    I love this comic:
    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/living_significant_other

    I think I've commented about this before but that wouldn't be a good idea. People who live together have a higher divorce rate. Part of the reasoning behind this is because people live together as a 'test', but they never get out of 'test' mode. You'll see divorce rate go up if there was that requirement.
  • vade43113
    vade43113 Posts: 836 Member
    Judge not lest ye be judged... right?

    Better to quote the passage than just to repeat it.... :P

    Matthew 7 1-2
    1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

    As for the opening post,

    You can't change others, unless if they want to be changed. I for one don't see an issue with living together before marriage... as long as one person doesn't ditch the other one after getting what they want.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    every opinion is a judgment. it seems that people only get upset about others making "judgments" when those opinions differ from their own. when the opinions agree then funnily enough no one is accused of being judgmental
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