ugh!! people judge quickly

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Replies

  • Krissy366
    Krissy366 Posts: 458 Member
    It must be AWESOME to be a liberal...
    Unnecessary and ridiculous comment. You match her assumption with one of your own, and set it in a "tone" of insult. Is there a reason you can't disagree (and correct the other person's erroneous assumption) without dragging political leanings/ideologies into the conversation?

    As it happens, the history of marriage is quite diverse and varies in the extreme from culture to culture. To say marriage is any one thing with some sort of definitive authority is absurd. In fact, in your post you stated:
    If you get to the point of marriage you are probably pretty "in love"...
    Well - that might be true of (very recent) modern day marriage, but historically marriage had very little to do with love. In many cultures the happy couple didn't even meet before the wedding (or only met very shortly before), so there was no love. There was familial obligation and property transfers. In fact, that is still the case in some cultures.

    You go on to then say:
    the little things should take a backseat to what's really important (establishing the family unit for financial stability and procreating)
    Many people are getting married after they are already financially stable, so that doesn't really hold for many couples anymore. And not everyone is in it to procreate. You don't want people defining marriage for themselves as a couple, you'd better take love out of the equation. You can't cling to one historical practice, while ignoring another and then claim that marriage is only one thing.

    For the record, I didn't live with my husband before marriage, but I see no problem with other people making a different choice than we did. For a long time I assumed I'd make that choice, too. But why it would concern anyone but the couple involved is beyond me.
  • Sarahbara76
    Sarahbara76 Posts: 601 Member
    I am afraid I am the devils seed then, I have been living in sin 9 years..whoa :devil: But the boyfriend treats me like a wife :laugh: and we are as good as married in his families eyes so whatever. Some bible folks get carried away and all judgy :grumble: and that's just pathetic because they always are the 1st to fall and fall the hardest off this pedestal they put themselves on .. I say forget them, they and their opinions stink :wink: Have a nice day and let it roll off your back because I am sure you have better things to do then worry about a blind fool and their stupid dribble :flowerforyou:

    All who want to quote me and feel attacked by me go the F--CK ahead I don't care. I have bigger things to do then worry about then a fruitless , faceless battle on the internet . You know like conning people to sign over there souls for a few doughnuts that won't make them fat..:wink: Carry on humans
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    I'm curious as to how everyone dates. Is there any reason that so many people think you must live with a person to learn anything about them? Spending time with their family and with someone at their own house or apt often enough will give you a better idea of how that person lives.

    Also how much trust is everyone lacking? You can ask questions, discuss future goals, etc. you don't need to be up someones butt to figure these things out. A marriage should be about building a new life together, new home and a new future. It must suck to have a nice wedding then continue dating exactly like it was before back in the same house with the same furniture and same everything. Why bother getting married then?

    As some one who both dated and lived with someone, there is a huge difference between being with someone a lot and with their family and spending every waking minute with someone. You get to see all the little things they do that you don't realize go on ALL THE TIME.
    Examples:

    Realizing you have to clean the sink and mirror after them every time they brush their teeth because they dont. They leave every light in the house on and you have to go behind them and turn them off. In the summer (especially relevent here in the south) they leave the back door open 'just to run outside for a second' and end up being out there 10 minutes. Leaving dirty dishes all over the house. Putting things in the fridge with a paper towel over it instead of taking the time to put it in a tupperware or ziplock. Not putting the tv tray back. Leaving the towel on the bathroom floor. Ect...

    These are things that a lot of people will never stop doing no matter how much you tell them it bugs you. You can even admit these things to your SO but you don't realize how it'll drive you nuts until you live together.

    ETA: even though you both have the same future financial goals (house, kids, retirement) what about those days when you're tight to pay the electric and your SO goes out and buys that video game, grill, weekend project stuff then just shrugs you off when you get mad about it because you can 'just pay it late'?
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I'm curious as to how everyone dates. Is there any reason that so many people think you must live with a person to learn anything about them? Spending time with their family and with someone at their own house or apt often enough will give you a better idea of how that person lives.

    Also how much trust is everyone lacking? You can ask questions, discuss future goals, etc. you don't need to be up someones butt to figure these things out. A marriage should be about building a new life together, new home and a new future. It must suck to have a nice wedding then continue dating exactly like it was before back in the same house with the same furniture and same everything. Why bother getting married then?

    I can't speak for other people's relationships, but for me, personally, it just made sense to move in together after a year or so of being in a relationship (we had our own separate places, established on our own, etc). My bf became very involved with my child's (from a previous relationship) life and since he was at my place most of the time anyway spending time with me and my son (I have primary custody, so he is with me the majority of the time), logistically it just seemed like the next step for him to move in with us when his lease was up. We later upgraded to a much larger place, and operate much as a family unit right now. I'm extremely close to his family, as he is to mine, etc.

    For us, when we do get married (which we're not in any big rush to do yet, maybe in the next couple years or so), we plan not only to have a full traditional Catholic wedding, but I'll change my last name to his, we'll buy a house, and begin trying to have (more) children. I guess it will be a lot like it is now, but we do have some special things we're holding out for until we get married (buying a home, having children, merging our finances--we keep them separate right now).

    I think each relationship is different. And I don't really think one alternative is better than the other for anyone else, but for me, personally, co-habitating before marriage is a must.
  • EmpressOfJudgment
    EmpressOfJudgment Posts: 1,162 Member
    Never get married before living together. Never.

    I disagree, might as well put everything to the test from before you're totally stuck with'em haha
    I think you and I just said the same thing. I said never get married before living together.

    My sister was with her husband for 7 years before they got married. They bought a house together and moved in together just weeks before the wedding. Even after 7 years of dating she didn't know he was old fashioned, thinks the wife has to do all the cooking and cleaning, and child rearing. She didn't know he'd come home from work and sit on the couch drinking beer while his woman makes his meals. All while also giving her a hard time about not bringing in enough money to help the household. *double standard* Now, she's married with two kids and miserable in her situation.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I'm curious as to how everyone dates. Is there any reason that so many people think you must live with a person to learn anything about them? Spending time with their family and with someone at their own house or apt often enough will give you a better idea of how that person lives.

    Also how much trust is everyone lacking? You can ask questions, discuss future goals, etc. you don't need to be up someones butt to figure these things out. A marriage should be about building a new life together, new home and a new future. It must suck to have a nice wedding then continue dating exactly like it was before back in the same house with the same furniture and same everything. Why bother getting married then?

    My (now) husband and I are both very affectionate people who like to be together all the time. We've been like that since we first started dating 22 years ago. He came home with me one night and never left. We wanted to spend all of our time together. We weren't up each other's butts. When we knew 8 months in that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we got engaged and then married 10 months after that.

    It didn't suck to have a nice wedding and then continue dating exactly like it was before. We actually had a fabulous honeymoon. We didn't have any anxieties about being able to perform, or what we might think about each other when we got undressed. We were totally comfortable with each other and loved each other deeply.

    We still do, 22 years later. If I were to do it again, I would do it exactly the same way.
  • sdoldsMD2013
    sdoldsMD2013 Posts: 128
    I think people should love their lives accordingly do their own beliefs and values and not be concerned about what the next person thinks. If you live together, don't live together, have sex, don't have sex, clean up after him, don't clean up after him, that's your business and no one else's. People's opinions can only bother you if your let them! As for me, I live my life according to my own rules, beliefs, and values and could care less what anyone thinks about it. :-D
  • patchesgizmo
    patchesgizmo Posts: 244 Member
    I don't have a problem with my daughter living with her boyfriend/fiancee. It gives them a taste of what a person is like before marriage.
  • sdoldsMD2013
    sdoldsMD2013 Posts: 128
    Love this! :-)
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Even if you did do it, it isn't anyone's job to tell you if you're right or wrong about it.
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    I'm curious as to how everyone dates. Is there any reason that so many people think you must live with a person to learn anything about them? Spending time with their family and with someone at their own house or apt often enough will give you a better idea of how that person lives.

    Also how much trust is everyone lacking? You can ask questions, discuss future goals, etc. you don't need to be up someones butt to figure these things out. A marriage should be about building a new life together, new home and a new future. It must suck to have a nice wedding then continue dating exactly like it was before back in the same house with the same furniture and same everything. Why bother getting married then?

    My (now) husband and I are both very affectionate people who like to be together all the time. We've been like that since we first started dating 22 years ago. He came home with me one night and never left. We wanted to spend all of our time together. We weren't up each other's butts. When we knew 8 months in that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we got engaged and then married 10 months after that.

    It didn't suck to have a nice wedding and then continue dating exactly like it was before. We actually had a fabulous honeymoon. We didn't have any anxieties about being able to perform, or what we might think about each other when we got undressed. We were totally comfortable with each other and loved each other deeply.

    We still do, 22 years later. If I were to do it again, I would do it exactly the same way.

    Love this.
  • doonesbury
    doonesbury Posts: 281 Member
    . if i was you... i'd delete that person.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    I would have probably gone off on her. I really can't stand people that try to pass off their opinions as fact or worry about what other people are doing in the privacy of their own home when it's not harming anyone or anything else.
  • hollyk57
    hollyk57 Posts: 520 Member
    Brush it off...they are the ones with issues. You do what feels right - follow your heart - and if they want to get down on you like that, then they aren't a real friend.
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
    I'm curious as to how everyone dates. Is there any reason that so many people think you must live with a person to learn anything about them? Spending time with their family and with someone at their own house or apt often enough will give you a better idea of how that person lives.

    Also how much trust is everyone lacking? You can ask questions, discuss future goals, etc. you don't need to be up someones butt to figure these things out. A marriage should be about building a new life together, new home and a new future. It must suck to have a nice wedding then continue dating exactly like it was before back in the same house with the same furniture and same everything. Why bother getting married then?

    As some one who both dated and lived with someone, there is a huge difference between being with someone a lot and with their family and spending every waking minute with someone. You get to see all the little things they do that you don't realize go on ALL THE TIME.
    Examples:

    Realizing you have to clean the sink and mirror after them every time they brush their teeth because they dont. They leave every light in the house on and you have to go behind them and turn them off. In the summer (especially relevent here in the south) they leave the back door open 'just to run outside for a second' and end up being out there 10 minutes. Leaving dirty dishes all over the house. Putting things in the fridge with a paper towel over it instead of taking the time to put it in a tupperware or ziplock. Not putting the tv tray back. Leaving the towel on the bathroom floor. Ect...

    These are things that a lot of people will never stop doing no matter how much you tell them it bugs you. You can even admit these things to your SO but you don't realize how it'll drive you nuts until you live together.

    ETA: even though you both have the same future financial goals (house, kids, retirement) what about those days when you're tight to pay the electric and your SO goes out and buys that video game, grill, weekend project stuff then just shrugs you off when you get mad about it because you can 'just pay it late'?

    All the problems you mentioned dont even seem like that big of a deal. Everyones has a few problems and you'd notice half the things you listed while dating. If someones over at my house often enough or I'm at theirs I notice that they leave the toilet seat up, get crap on their mirror when they brush their teeth, leave lights on, clothes on the floor. All this stuff I've seen a few months intorelationships so I still dont see a reason to live with someone first. In regards to money problems I'll hope to only marry someone as successful as me or more. I have no interest in a grownup child for a man. Nor would I ever date a mooch. Lol thats why I never pay for dates either. I wouldnt want a man who cant afford the basics
  • AgapeLove7
    AgapeLove7 Posts: 29 Member
    everyone judges whether we like it or not... what makes the difference is ---> we need to look for the "GOOD" in people and not the bad..

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