Why be a side-chick???

ironanimal

All the other "side chicks" knew he was involved, with a child on the way/ after the baby was born. He needed some & wasn't getting it from me. I don't think I have ever knowingly been a side chick. The ex, who slept with my ex until she found out I was pregnant, to this day she doesn't know why she did the things she did. I guess its just the other person telling us what we want to hear.

If your bolding that, you don't know what your talking about. Have a kid? 1st you have to wait 6 weeks before partaking in sexual intercourse. Have a newborn? I wasn't living with him because my daughter was born in December, we lived in a 1/1 with NO AC OR HEAT. So, please don't say that he cheated because I wasn't giving him any. It has NOTHING to do with that.

You may like to think so, but I would have to disagree. Although I would never cheat on my partner (there are other releases for tension) I understand the need for release. It was coupled with the fact that he is an idiot, but don't discount that as a factor.

Foxypoo61287

All the other "side chicks" knew he was involved, with a child on the way/ after the baby was born. He needed some & wasn't getting it from me. I don't think I have ever knowingly been a side chick. The ex, who slept with my ex until she found out I was pregnant, to this day she doesn't know why she did the things she did. I guess its just the other person telling us what we want to hear.

If your bolding that, you don't know what your talking about. Have a kid? 1st you have to wait 6 weeks before partaking in sexual intercourse. Have a newborn? I wasn't living with him because my daughter was born in December, we lived in a 1/1 with NO AC OR HEAT. So, please don't say that he cheated because I wasn't giving him any. It has NOTHING to do with that.

You may like to think so, but I would have to disagree. Although I would never cheat on my partner (there are other releases for tension) I understand the need for release. It was coupled with the fact that he is an idiot, but don't discount that as a factor.

It wasn't like I WASN'T giving it to him ever. I was't giving it to him like I was when we first got together. That was his excuse. We were not having sex as much. I said what do you expect? I just pushed an 8 lb baby out of my vag! Plus at this point in time, I KNEW he was doing things we has not supposed to do. So that kind of turned me off as well, and I was DUMB enough to stay for the sake of our daughter. When he really didn't care who he was screwing.

Foxypoo61287

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

10acity

A perfect storm of terrible reasons. Four years ago, I'd have thought nothing of saying I would never get involved with a married man! I have since learned that we are all really, truly capable of anything. Maybe sometimes the things we think we're not capable of most of all. It's a dangerous thing to discount. I, of course, can only speak for myself.

I was in a very volatile (by which I do not mean violent or abusive, to be clear) relationship for three years. I know now-- in fact, now it seems like a no-brainer-- that said relationship was a terrible idea from the outset. But however ill-advised, I was completely in love with this jack*ss man. Predictably (in hindsight, anyway), it did not end well. I was in so deep and ended up so heartbroken, and I allowed that (note: responsibility taken) to throw me into a self-destructive spiral. I made the incredibly poor decision of accepting an invitation to drinks from a coworker, and I knew at that moment that it was an incredibly poor decision and I knew exactly why. And still, somehow, gathering my clothes from his living room floor at 4 o'clock the next morning, I felt a little surprised.

So... my reasons. I was bent on doing something self-destructive. It was a pathetic coping mechanism. I felt desperate to feel anything other than the sadness, sorrow, and loss of my relationship. It was escapism (and I hate to tell you this, but for a while, it really worked, in that completely unhealthy way escapism sometimes does). I reasoned that he was still a decent, if deeply flawed man; the marriage was crumbling way before me; there's no possible way she couldn't know he cheats; we're all adults, here; etc., etc., etc.

I never trusted him and neither of us ever entertained the idea of a romantic relationship between us. I'm certainly not proud of it, but I can say it's a grave mistake I've at least learned from. I'm sure in the long run, it probably just delayed my recovery from that relationship. I'm sure it did wonders for my innate trust issues.

So there you have it, short story long.

ironanimal

It wasn't like I WASN'T giving it to him ever. I was't giving it to him like I was when we first got together. That was his excuse. We were not having sex as much. I said what do you expect? I just pushed an 8 lb baby out of my vag! Plus at this point in time, I KNEW he was doing things we has not supposed to do. So that kind of turned me off as well, and I was DUMB enough to stay for the sake of our daughter. When he really didn't care who he was screwing.

Okay, well that's different. When you said he 'needed' it and wasn't getting it from you, I took it that it had been many months rather than a recovery period from giving birth. I also assumed he wasn't getting it anywhere else.

As to your last comment; a loving relationship may not be ALL about sex, but for a lot of men it as just as important as the cuddles, kissing and general affection that women need. It absolutely can and will break a relationship and viewing it as a bonus or reward is a very naive view. How would you feel if your partner (assuming you were with someone that wasn't a complete asshat) showed you no affection, never cuddled you, kissed you, or told you how beautiful you are?

nikki_att84

ive never cheated but i have been the other girl!!!

we were friends to start with then became friends with benefits!! then he decided to get a gf so it stopped when things got rocky with the gf he would call me!! i never actually thought about the other girl!! i guess thats kinda harsh but i was thinking bout my needs!! plus we had a pretty secrety ''relationship'' no one knew about what we were doing neither of us would dare say anything to anyone so the secret was safe!!

Bobby_Clerici

The world is filled with pathetic, lonely people who hunger for intimacy.
And instead of setting relationship goals and taking the right action to achieve those goals, they just blow around like a reed in the wind.
Losers....

Who says you have to have relationship goals and that there is a certain path you are supposed to take to get them? People have different tastes in relationships, sex, etc. Some couples are perfectly happy in open relationships, some people are not. Some people just enjoy sex (it's human nature) and not relationships.

Who are YOU to judge!?

OOPS!
Sounds like I hit a nerve. Hey, do whatever floats your boat so long as you're happy with it.
Life is too short to be discontented.
I just know plenty of cheating people, and they're miserable souls who long for relationships, yet they keep falling short.
And they wonder why....duh!
People who set goals achieve; it's just that simple.
And you, and ONLY you can determine that path. Good luck!

Foxypoo61287

It wasn't like I WASN'T giving it to him ever. I was't giving it to him like I was when we first got together. That was his excuse. We were not having sex as much. I said what do you expect? I just pushed an 8 lb baby out of my vag! Plus at this point in time, I KNEW he was doing things we has not supposed to do. So that kind of turned me off as well, and I was DUMB enough to stay for the sake of our daughter. When he really didn't care who he was screwing.

Okay, well that's different. When you said he 'needed' it and wasn't getting it from you, I took it that it had been many months rather than a recovery period from giving birth. I also assumed he wasn't getting it anywhere else.

As to your last comment; a loving relationship may not be ALL about sex, but for a lot of men it as just as important as the cuddles, kissing and general affection that women need. It absolutely can and will break a relationship and viewing it as a bonus or reward is a very naive view. How would you feel if your partner (assuming you were with someone that wasn't a complete asshat) showed you no affection, never cuddled you, kissed you, or told you how beautiful you are?

See he was an asshat, and never told me. He tells me I was not affectionate, therefore that was the demise of our relationship. Now, he regrets it. I left with the baby, and he misses what he had. We never went MONTHS without Maybe a week. But I have health issues that also stopped us from doing it as well. And he couldn't grasp it.

Scenario- Your with someone. They have cheated on you ( No confirmation just suspicion & texts/pictures etc) Your on something that makes your libido plummet to like less than nothing. Would you do it when ever they wanted to even if you got NOTHING out of it every single time you did it, and it was like maybe a 5 minute thing?

charlieduc

I have to comment on this one...2 years ago my husband and I were going through a rough patch and along comes the girl who listens and sympathizes. She was getting fed all the bad stuff but was well aware that he was still married. He did not actually sleep with her until all hell broke lose and I left to go stay with my parents. Not really sure where I am going with this but.....she actually thought he would leave me for her.

Bobby_Clerici

The world is filled with pathetic, lonely people who hunger for intimacy.
And instead of setting relationship goals and taking the right action to achieve those goals, they just blow around like a reed in the wind.
Losers....

Really?!?! My relationship goals were at the time to just have fun and be me. Not a loser at all. I am a very successful woman with many great friends, a good job, a great kid, and an even greater rack.

You sound very successful and classy.
Best of luck to you; keep up the good work...:flowerforyou:

saxmaniac

I've been "the other man" occasionally, but not with any regularity. Sometimes women need flings, breaks from their routine, reassurance they're still attractive. Who am I to stop them? Ain't my moral dilemma.

I've never cheated myself, though. Deception to your lover is bad, honesty is good, and that's kept my marriage together for 14 years.

That said, I think it is foolish to start a monogamous relationship that began as cheating, and expect it to stay that way. If someone will cheat *with* you, they'll cheat *on* you. (Then again, sometimes it is worth it. Maybe you are OK with it.)

Jbarbo01

I think most women DO know when they are the "other woman." They either think they can change the guy's mind or they have so little self-respect that they're willing to play second fiddle just to have something. Or they're evil and they just don't care.

Just out of curiousity.

Who is more evil, the side chick (that knows she is) OR the person in the committed relationship doing the cheating?

I'm not sure why someone should be expected to respect a relationship IF one of the people in the relationship obviously have no respect for it themselves.

The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.

fbmandy55

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

Sex as a bonus is your opinion. In my relationship, we BOTH agree that sex is s necessity. If that were to end from either party, so would our relationship.

Foxypoo61287

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

sel254

*grabs popcorn and settles in for the ride*

10acity

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I suspect you're in a small minority, here. And to share a potentially-unpopular opinion in regard to your question of whether or not to continue having sex in order to please your partner even though you're not getting anything out of it.... I would say yes, that is necessary. Both parties have to be reasonable (it is unavoidable that every once in a while, one of you actually WILL have a headache), of course, and respectful should go without saying. But I do think part of marriage is a responsibility to fulfill your spouse's needs, including sexually. Sometimes one of you wants/enjoys it more than the other... so what? Relationships are work. And it's all about choices.

*Edit for clarity: to say that sex is a vitally important part of a marriage is not equivalent to the marriage/relationship being "based on sex". You're making a giant leap, there.

BrettPGH

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

You were in the wrong relationship. You were with a person who felt differently than you about an important subject.

Good news, you're no longer in that relationship. Now you can choose to stay mad or you can start moving on with your life. The second option is much better for you.

Best of luck.

StarvingDiva

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I suspect you're in a small minority, here. And to share a potentially-unpopular opinion in regard to your question of whether or not to continue having sex in order to please your partner even though you're not getting anything out of it.... I would say yes, that is necessary. Both parties have to be reasonable (it is unavoidable that every once in a while, one of you actually WILL have a headache), of course, and respectful should go without saying. But I do think part of marriage is a responsibility to fulfill your spouse's needs, including sexually. Sometimes one of you wants/enjoys it more than the other... so what? Relationships are work. And it's all about choices.

*Edit for clarity: to say that sex is a vitally important part of a marriage is not equivalent to the marriage/relationship being "based on sex". You're making a giant leap, there.

There is a lot of marriages that end because someone thought sex wasn't that important.

SPBROOKS68

NOT true I worked with the side chick that broke up my marriage and she had the nerve to talk to me and ask me about home things and I wore my weddding ring everyday. She was just a Wh*re as she was also married - I divorced him and she quit working but her husband always said she was afraid of me once I found out so she did not come by my office anymore after that.

SOME women get off on chasing a married man - I don't and never will - If they are married then they are off limits.

stupidloser

For me, it was about how many notches I can get on my belt.

MsNewBooty83

[/quote]
The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.
[/quote]

this is sooo true.
**and not that i condone it at all, but the 'cheater' could be telling this side chick just about damn near anything...girls take the bait way to easily. escpecially the lil miss lonely heart types with no self esteem. theres also, im sure some kind of thrill to think...this dudes been married for 'X' amt of years and after all this time I'M the one he gave in to. like an ego boost type of feeling. it always feels good to be wanted, whether its wrong or right, it still feels good to be desired.

Jbarbo01

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

Sex is not just an added bonus in a functional romantic relationship, sex is a primal necessity for human beings. If youre in a loving and caring relationship where your happy, sex should come easily and relatively often. They did a study on men in Singapore and found that men who had consistent and regular sex with their monogamous partner were significantly less likely to visit prostitutes or cheat, lawyered.

10acity

The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.

this is sooo true.

I totally disagree with this, except maybe in situations where the "cheat-ee" was honestly duped and didn't know she/he was with a cheater. I went in eyes wide open. I was 50% responsible. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better about my crappy decision by saying he's "worse" on some subjective scale of badness.

scs143

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.

Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.

Bethie_B

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

"Sex is just an added bonus"? Then you're doing it wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of a successful, happy relationship where sex wasn't a necessity!

But to answer the OPs original question, why NOT be a side-chick? If the side-chick is getting what she wants, then that's great for her.

I've always been of the opinion that if my man strays, I'm certainly not going to blame the woman. It's not her responsibility to maintain the "sanctity" of MY relationship.

pixlamarque

Ok, I'll jump in the pool.

I've played the side chick twice. My first husband died very young. I waited a year after he died (and we hadn't had sex for two years before he died) and I had NO desire for a relationship but I was waaay past ready for a non-random sex partner.

I met guy number one when he was separated from his wife. He was very honest in that he never lied about the situation. They were not very happy but were trying to work things out because they had a small child. We continued to see each other even after they got back together. Eventually it petered out because there was really no way to work on his marriage if he was sleeping with me. I was sorry to see him go and if I had met him at another time in my life, I probably would have wanted a relationship with him, but it was the wrong time for both of us. I don't regret a bit how things turned out and I wish him well. I believe they are now divorcing (its been a few years).

The second guy was someone I was friends with ( I did not know his wife) and we were attracted to each other. He loved his wife, made no bones about it, and had no intention of leaving her, which was awesome because I wouldn't have been interested if he had wanted more. His wife wasn't interested in more than once a month sex, so for him he got what he needed in that area elsewhere and had an otherwise happy home life. For my part, I had the best sex of my life and I didn't have to worry about a relationship. We cared for each other, but we were never in love and never wanted to be. We both got exactly what we wanted out of the relationship.

I have never felt guilty for a second for my actions. I knew exactly what I doing and I wouldn't go back and change any of it. As far as I am concerned, the cheating was their problem, not mine. I never made any promises to their wives. I personally have never cheated on anyone with whom I have been in a relationship. I never would. If other people do so, it's their issue, not mine. I have since re-married and have had a message on occasion from guy number two wanting to start things up again, but I have no interest. I will probably never have sex that good again in my entire life, but for me the sex would never be worth the amazing man I have now. I'm sorry that guy number two's wife doesn't want to put out, but I got what wanted at the time and I'm out. I don't understand why people are so determined to cast blame at someone, but if what I said makes people think I am a bad person, so be it. I've never given a **** what anyone thinks anyway. And for those who think it's low self-esteem and what-not, maybe for some people it is, but it never was for me.

kymillion

I think most women DO know when they are the "other woman." They either think they can change the guy's mind or they have so little self-respect that they're willing to play second fiddle just to have something. Or they're evil and they just don't care.

Just out of curiousity.

Who is more evil, the side chick (that knows she is) OR the person in the committed relationship doing the cheating?

I'm not sure why someone should be expected to respect a relationship IF one of the people in the relationship obviously have no respect for it themselves.

I'll start here .. yes I say the person involved in the relationship has a higher level of "commitment, responsibility, accountability" what have you.. but if you know. your responsibility to do what is right.. is no less important..

I especially cannot stand women who do this when THEY know families are involved .. its a game maybe but its destroys families and the destruction goes beyond.the excuse of..... "well if they are blase' I am blase" kinda of "happenstantial" BS.

and if you feel the need to try to "shine" within someone's time of difficultly then I dont see how you can respect yourself.

ironanimal

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I could not disagree more. Showing your love for a man means fulfilling his sexual needs unless you are WILLING for him to stray. You don't seem to get that it is a necessity as much as being shown affection is to a woman.

theartichoke

My mind is blown by the responses here.
On one hand I have to hand it these "side" ladies. There's a part of me that respects a woman who can act just like these guys do. Get yours and NEXT!
On the other hand I'm married. I have children. The wreckage brought down upon a family, especially the children, by the choice to cheat is unconscionable. To even remotely be a part of that is crazy to me. No rationalization, no justification.

pixlamarque

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.

Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.

This. If you have a relationship where sex is a bonus, then you are friends that have sex. If you have a committed, monogamous relationship, then you better make sex a priority. If there is one thing that I learned being the other woman, it is to make my husband's sex the best he ever had. If he can't wait to get home and get in your pants, then he'll not be thinking about anyone else's pants.