Why be a side-chick???

saxmaniac

I've been "the other man" occasionally, but not with any regularity. Sometimes women need flings, breaks from their routine, reassurance they're still attractive. Who am I to stop them? Ain't my moral dilemma.

I've never cheated myself, though. Deception to your lover is bad, honesty is good, and that's kept my marriage together for 14 years.

That said, I think it is foolish to start a monogamous relationship that began as cheating, and expect it to stay that way. If someone will cheat *with* you, they'll cheat *on* you. (Then again, sometimes it is worth it. Maybe you are OK with it.)

Jbarbo01

I think most women DO know when they are the "other woman." They either think they can change the guy's mind or they have so little self-respect that they're willing to play second fiddle just to have something. Or they're evil and they just don't care.

Just out of curiousity.

Who is more evil, the side chick (that knows she is) OR the person in the committed relationship doing the cheating?

I'm not sure why someone should be expected to respect a relationship IF one of the people in the relationship obviously have no respect for it themselves.

The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.

fbmandy55

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

Sex as a bonus is your opinion. In my relationship, we BOTH agree that sex is s necessity. If that were to end from either party, so would our relationship.

Foxypoo61287

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

sel254

*grabs popcorn and settles in for the ride*

10acity

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I suspect you're in a small minority, here. And to share a potentially-unpopular opinion in regard to your question of whether or not to continue having sex in order to please your partner even though you're not getting anything out of it.... I would say yes, that is necessary. Both parties have to be reasonable (it is unavoidable that every once in a while, one of you actually WILL have a headache), of course, and respectful should go without saying. But I do think part of marriage is a responsibility to fulfill your spouse's needs, including sexually. Sometimes one of you wants/enjoys it more than the other... so what? Relationships are work. And it's all about choices.

*Edit for clarity: to say that sex is a vitally important part of a marriage is not equivalent to the marriage/relationship being "based on sex". You're making a giant leap, there.

BrettPGH

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

You were in the wrong relationship. You were with a person who felt differently than you about an important subject.

Good news, you're no longer in that relationship. Now you can choose to stay mad or you can start moving on with your life. The second option is much better for you.

Best of luck.

StarvingDiva

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I suspect you're in a small minority, here. And to share a potentially-unpopular opinion in regard to your question of whether or not to continue having sex in order to please your partner even though you're not getting anything out of it.... I would say yes, that is necessary. Both parties have to be reasonable (it is unavoidable that every once in a while, one of you actually WILL have a headache), of course, and respectful should go without saying. But I do think part of marriage is a responsibility to fulfill your spouse's needs, including sexually. Sometimes one of you wants/enjoys it more than the other... so what? Relationships are work. And it's all about choices.

*Edit for clarity: to say that sex is a vitally important part of a marriage is not equivalent to the marriage/relationship being "based on sex". You're making a giant leap, there.

There is a lot of marriages that end because someone thought sex wasn't that important.

SPBROOKS68

NOT true I worked with the side chick that broke up my marriage and she had the nerve to talk to me and ask me about home things and I wore my weddding ring everyday. She was just a Wh*re as she was also married - I divorced him and she quit working but her husband always said she was afraid of me once I found out so she did not come by my office anymore after that.

SOME women get off on chasing a married man - I don't and never will - If they are married then they are off limits.

stupidloser

For me, it was about how many notches I can get on my belt.

MsNewBooty83

[/quote]
The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.
[/quote]

this is sooo true.
**and not that i condone it at all, but the 'cheater' could be telling this side chick just about damn near anything...girls take the bait way to easily. escpecially the lil miss lonely heart types with no self esteem. theres also, im sure some kind of thrill to think...this dudes been married for 'X' amt of years and after all this time I'M the one he gave in to. like an ego boost type of feeling. it always feels good to be wanted, whether its wrong or right, it still feels good to be desired.

Jbarbo01

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

Sex is not just an added bonus in a functional romantic relationship, sex is a primal necessity for human beings. If youre in a loving and caring relationship where your happy, sex should come easily and relatively often. They did a study on men in Singapore and found that men who had consistent and regular sex with their monogamous partner were significantly less likely to visit prostitutes or cheat, lawyered.

10acity

The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.

this is sooo true.

I totally disagree with this, except maybe in situations where the "cheat-ee" was honestly duped and didn't know she/he was with a cheater. I went in eyes wide open. I was 50% responsible. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better about my crappy decision by saying he's "worse" on some subjective scale of badness.

scs143

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.

Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.

Bethie_B

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

"Sex is just an added bonus"? Then you're doing it wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of a successful, happy relationship where sex wasn't a necessity!

But to answer the OPs original question, why NOT be a side-chick? If the side-chick is getting what she wants, then that's great for her.

I've always been of the opinion that if my man strays, I'm certainly not going to blame the woman. It's not her responsibility to maintain the "sanctity" of MY relationship.

pixlamarque

Ok, I'll jump in the pool.

I've played the side chick twice. My first husband died very young. I waited a year after he died (and we hadn't had sex for two years before he died) and I had NO desire for a relationship but I was waaay past ready for a non-random sex partner.

I met guy number one when he was separated from his wife. He was very honest in that he never lied about the situation. They were not very happy but were trying to work things out because they had a small child. We continued to see each other even after they got back together. Eventually it petered out because there was really no way to work on his marriage if he was sleeping with me. I was sorry to see him go and if I had met him at another time in my life, I probably would have wanted a relationship with him, but it was the wrong time for both of us. I don't regret a bit how things turned out and I wish him well. I believe they are now divorcing (its been a few years).

The second guy was someone I was friends with ( I did not know his wife) and we were attracted to each other. He loved his wife, made no bones about it, and had no intention of leaving her, which was awesome because I wouldn't have been interested if he had wanted more. His wife wasn't interested in more than once a month sex, so for him he got what he needed in that area elsewhere and had an otherwise happy home life. For my part, I had the best sex of my life and I didn't have to worry about a relationship. We cared for each other, but we were never in love and never wanted to be. We both got exactly what we wanted out of the relationship.

I have never felt guilty for a second for my actions. I knew exactly what I doing and I wouldn't go back and change any of it. As far as I am concerned, the cheating was their problem, not mine. I never made any promises to their wives. I personally have never cheated on anyone with whom I have been in a relationship. I never would. If other people do so, it's their issue, not mine. I have since re-married and have had a message on occasion from guy number two wanting to start things up again, but I have no interest. I will probably never have sex that good again in my entire life, but for me the sex would never be worth the amazing man I have now. I'm sorry that guy number two's wife doesn't want to put out, but I got what wanted at the time and I'm out. I don't understand why people are so determined to cast blame at someone, but if what I said makes people think I am a bad person, so be it. I've never given a **** what anyone thinks anyway. And for those who think it's low self-esteem and what-not, maybe for some people it is, but it never was for me.

kymillion

I think most women DO know when they are the "other woman." They either think they can change the guy's mind or they have so little self-respect that they're willing to play second fiddle just to have something. Or they're evil and they just don't care.

Just out of curiousity.

Who is more evil, the side chick (that knows she is) OR the person in the committed relationship doing the cheating?

I'm not sure why someone should be expected to respect a relationship IF one of the people in the relationship obviously have no respect for it themselves.

I'll start here .. yes I say the person involved in the relationship has a higher level of "commitment, responsibility, accountability" what have you.. but if you know. your responsibility to do what is right.. is no less important..

I especially cannot stand women who do this when THEY know families are involved .. its a game maybe but its destroys families and the destruction goes beyond.the excuse of..... "well if they are blase' I am blase" kinda of "happenstantial" BS.

and if you feel the need to try to "shine" within someone's time of difficultly then I dont see how you can respect yourself.

ironanimal

If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"

I could not disagree more. Showing your love for a man means fulfilling his sexual needs unless you are WILLING for him to stray. You don't seem to get that it is a necessity as much as being shown affection is to a woman.

theartichoke

My mind is blown by the responses here.
On one hand I have to hand it these "side" ladies. There's a part of me that respects a woman who can act just like these guys do. Get yours and NEXT!
On the other hand I'm married. I have children. The wreckage brought down upon a family, especially the children, by the choice to cheat is unconscionable. To even remotely be a part of that is crazy to me. No rationalization, no justification.

pixlamarque

A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.

I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.

Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.

This. If you have a relationship where sex is a bonus, then you are friends that have sex. If you have a committed, monogamous relationship, then you better make sex a priority. If there is one thing that I learned being the other woman, it is to make my husband's sex the best he ever had. If he can't wait to get home and get in your pants, then he'll not be thinking about anyone else's pants.