Respecting men

valerieknox

I've had relationships where I've felt appreciated but not respected. It sucks as much for women as for men. I would also never want to date a man who thought I talked too much. I say valuable things and expect to be listened to. Wtf does it mean to "let him be a man"? Let him sulk in silence? Now that sounds like a fun partner.. I think it's bull**** that women talk too much. Women are great at communicating our feelings and giving support, we've learned that from an early age. Just because some men aren't as good as us at that, doesn't mean we should shut up.

Iceman1800

I've had relationships where I've felt appreciated but not respected. It sucks as much for women as for men. I would also never want to date a man who thought I talked too much. I say valuable things and expect to be listened to. Wtf does it mean to "let him be a man"? Let him sulk in silence? Now that sounds like a fun partner.. I think it's bull**** that women talk too much. Women are great at communicating our feelings and giving support, we've learned that from an early age. Just because some men aren't as good as us at that, doesn't mean we should shut up.

you are missing the point about shutting up. Most women in a disagreement will go on and on never letting the guy get a word in. He has to start yelling to be heard then the woman cries because he yelled at her. Or he gets tired of being interrupted and just says nothing. Then he gets accused of not communicating.

magj0y

Honestly?
learn how to make him a decent sandwich.

I know..some of you may think that's krazy.

For guys, it's what you DON'T say, and the things you do for him.
Seriously, is it REALLY that hard to make a sandwich/snack? It takes me 5 minutes and he is so grateful for that!

Don't nag. If the dishes are clean, does it REALLY matter the process? No.
If you have kids, don't talk to him in your mommy voice, ask him for things or request things in you mom voice. you may not hear it, but it's grating. And do not nag, harp, insult or embarrass him in front of anyone else.

Do not ask grave digging questions.
"Honey, does this look good on me?"
"honey what do you think of this"

Usually they don't care. And when they do, most women get upset when they don't like it. If you like it, you'll be happy. That's all they care about.

It's the little things you do for them, and the things you don't say.

Is he having friends over for a game? buy some extra snacks and drinks that you know he likes and if you don't like sports, make plans with your friends or buy a good book to read. In your room.
When you're in a group setting with couples, don't partake in the man bashing session. "Oh I know! My husband leaves his socks on the ground, too!" Don't complain about you husband to others in front/behind him in a group setting, especially his friends!
This is a prime time to remember "If you don't have anything nice to say..."

valerieknox

I want sandwiches and snacks too.

UncleMac

Reading this thread was a bit of an education and quite thought provoking. Thanks, everyone.

I dug this out of an old email talking about what a relationship needs...

The need for good will from the other.
The need for emotional support of the other.
The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
The need to have your own view, even if the other have a different view.
The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The need to receive a sincere apology for any actions you find offensive.
The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
The need to have your work and your interests respected.
The need for encouragement from the other.
The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The need to have your final decisions acknowledged and accepted.
The need for privacy at times.

taunto

Those who want respect, give respect.

I can never love somebody who don't respect me. Little things add up. Being paranoid, being jealous, not understanding that he's working hard to provide a better future for US, not just HIM, treating him like a child, saying things that're condescending. To be honest, many things can be taken as a disrespect by me but I personally look for the meaning behind and try to be understanding and tell them that what they said sounded disrespecting.

Little example. Met this girl. She recently got out of a relationship after her man left her. The entire conversation she kept bringing up "Why are you not married yet?" or "do you have a girlfriend?". Stuff like this shows lack of complete distrust after I said clearly that I am not involved with anybody. I have no reason to lie if I am seeing somebody casually, I have done that and I am always open about things like that. However, because she had recently gotten out of a relationship I simply said to her "I understand that you just got out of a bad relationship however if we're going to do this, you have to show some faith in me".

So really it's all these little things.

pudadough

Thats because men associate respect with love!!!!!

Women do, too. Well, at least smart women...

MFPBrandy

I think that mutual respect in a relationship is a huge predictor of success.

Over the last two decades, men in the media are frequently portrayed as dumb, clueless and almost irrelevant beings, particularly in families. I actually think that constant message hurts. Since the '70's it seems it's politically correct to diss on men, but men dare not diss in women (at least publicly).

Here's to a big round of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for everyone!

I disagree--I think women are bashed just as much. They're depicted in media as nagging, whining, just in it for the ring, and pretty irrelevant as well (except for sex). It's like each "side" is trying to convince themselves the other is inferior or worthless, and it pisses me off. Men and women are supposed to be complimentary, yet we're sending all these messages that degrade each other. Respect should go both ways (I'll agree with you on that!).

Erisad

We should just respect each other as people. Gender has nothing to do with it.

Indeed.

cole_carter

I love a good sandwich !!!!

liftingheavy

I would have thought what they mean by men preferring to be respected is.....by acknowledging their feelings, thoughts, interests etc. Just the same as us women like to be respected with our views / opinions, independence, trust, feelings, how we interact with men, common interests, doing simple, little things for them without being asked such as a hug or smile or making them laugh.

To some extent, yes. But remember that (most) of us guys are far less emotionally driven than (most) women. So I'd first have to say not to try and treat us like you would one of your girl friends.

To feel manly, and in control of his own life, a guy oftentimes needs to do his own thing, without having to get approval from a woman. Think about this & you might start realizing what the study was hitting on. I know so many men that have to constantly get "permission" to go eat w/ friends, spend a few dollars on something for themselves, etc., etc.--to the extent that any single guy friends they have stop inviting them out because they can't just DO something without asking permission for fear of sleeping on the couch.

Understand that men need their "cave" time. It's how *we* work out emotional / personal issues *that we'd rather not share* without exploding. A man starts to feel controlled, smothered, and claustrophobic when his whole life tends to be one big mission to keep his woman "entertained" for fear of her leaving him. It gets to be a lot of work, and there is where the "underappreciated" stuff starts.

Another part of this was hit on by someone else. Don't ask us our opinion if you are just going to automatically disagree. Don't ask us to choose where to eat if you're immediately going to say "eww, not there!" If you are just fishing for suggestions, ask for ideas. If you ask us to pick, we'll pick, because if we don't then we're considered "indecisive" which somehow translates to "lack of confidence" in a woman's eyes. And that is the kiss of death.

And finally, quit trying to change your man into something he's not. That is the ultimate booby-prize (and happens all too often)--you picked him, then you want to turn him into someone else. Persistent attempts to train your man like you would a dog is why men stereotype women as "constantly nagging."

I completely agree, especially with trying to train a man or change him into something he is not. My guy is a super alpha, conservative, reserved, and would lay down his life for me. I am strong, liberal, talkative, friendly, and a good homemaker. Basically the opposite. And we respect each other for what we bring to the table. Total compliments. I appreciate everything he does every day and he knows it, and he appreciates what I do. To me, that is the only way.

djsupreme6

My initial thought was it would be about complimenting, encouraging etc and making him feel competent and dare I say it powerful. But I guess it also includes trusting him, respecting his space, and treating him with respect ie honesty, faithfulness etc.

this right here

trinitrate

Don't second guess his every move.

When he makes a mistake, if he knows it already, leave it alone. If he doesn't, be gentle in your education

Don't try to change him. If you love him, you love him the way he is.

Do acknowledge his contribution to the relationship / family / parenting etc.


I do agree this one is a two-way street, but I think it's slightly more important to men than women. To consider men and women 'the same' in every way just doesn't make sense.. we're wired differently



.

fteale

I agree with the people who say respect is a two way thing. EVery single thing any of the men here have said they want in a relationship - trust, space, freedom to make our own decisions, wanting to feel listened to and important - we women need all that too. I get the feeling reading these threads sometimes that men don't realise that. Actually, men and women want the same things from a partner - love, respect and space.

What some men could do with remembering is that you don't get respect just by existing, you have to be worthy of it. Oh and respect and fear are not in any way the same thing. Respect is based on love, it's not about subjugation.

fteale

Oh and for the record, we don't like doing housework any more than you do.

Capt_Apollo

TallCurvyMuscles

sex lots and lots of sex

abberbabber

I'm not a dude (I hope that's obvious :laugh:) but from what I've learned over the years, I think it comes down to treating him like a person. We women can be vicious. Whether it's telling him "I TOLD you to/not to/so" or telling your girlfriends about how difficult he is to live with, you're basically treating him like that ***** at the office who looked at you sideways that one day so now you gossip about her and shoot her dirty looks all the time. And sometimes, it's not always what we say, but how we say it. We can cut attitude like nobody's business.

And, IMO, lose the double standards. There are so many times a woman will do something that she would be FURIOUS over if the tables were turned. But it's ok, because she's she and he's he :grumble:

AmyFett

I only respect ANYONE when they respect me. If my husband is being a prick, I'll be a ***** back. I believe in someone earning respect, not the attitude "i'm the man, *****, respect me" doesn't work that way.

bigdawg025

Now this should be interesting.....

I would have thought what they mean by men preferring to be respected is.....by acknowledging their feelings, thoughts, interests etc. Just the same as us women like to be respected with our views / opinions, independence, trust, feelings, how we interact with men, common interests, doing simple, little things for them without being asked such as a hug or smile or making them laugh.

But in saying all the above, these can also fall into the love catergory, as without the above, a relationship may not work. Actually I guess it falls into any type of relationship be it friendship or intimate relationship.

In my opinion I think men would like to be both loved and respected. The same as woman would want. Or have I got all the above wrong?

The word respected does not mean (in my view) being controlled or ordered about - that's a whole different level that just isn't healthy.

Again, its gonna be interesting seeing the differnet comments.

I like this because I think MOST women probably think along these lines... This is how WOMEN define how they want to be treated/respected... We men (for the most part) are much different. This is why "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" was written in the first place!!!

What I want as a man... and what I see as respect... although those things aforementioned are very nice and appreciated it's not the MOST important thing.

#1 for me... APPROVAL! If I make a decision I don't want you to argue or fight me on it all the time. That also goes along with... I am a man... I like football... I would be likely to miss a funeral in order to watch a Steelers playoff game. Most women don't get that...

#2... Don't attack me personally. YOU did this... YOU didn't do that... This drives me crazy, and I will instantly shut down.

#3... If I want my space and alone time give it to me! The key here that women really don't get is that it's on OUR terms not theirs! It doesn't matter if you think I "had the whole day for alone time blah blah blah... whatever or wherever that was"... that's not necessarily the alone time that I NEED.

We're all different, but I think there are a LOT of men who will agree with these on some level.

And yes... respect should definitely be reciprocated in kind. This isn't about controlling the women... it's about having control over oneself.

EDITED TO ADD...

This one is VERY important... We do not want to have a shadow 24/7 every single minute of every single day no matter how much we love you! Everyone needs to be able to go out with friends, etc. without you sometimes. I'm sure most women want that as well.