Talk about a slap in the face. Motivation depleted.

Nikocan

Kick him to the curb. Don't lose weight for him. Lose weight for yourself if that is what you YOU want to do. You need a partner who adores you and finds you gorgeous and sexy nomater what your weight. Dating can lead to marriage, babies, lots of body changes...and you need someone who will support you through that.

I have had three kids, and I'm about 25 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband. My belly has stretch marks on it from my pregnancies, my boobs are no longer perky. But you know what? My husband is crazy about me and he tells me that I'm "sexy as hell." I am here to lose weight for ME, not for him, and it feels amazing to know that he finds me beautiful nomater what. You deserve that kind of devotion, too!

EXACTLY!!!

erikak16

Not to take his side by ANY means, but i think he meant he's attracted to her for all of her other great features, not weight, but its something she can approve. STILL a horrible thing to say all together.

cyndigardn

He sounds like a self-absorbed, shallow jerk to me. The nice thing about dating someone like him is the extreme satisfaction you get from kicking him to the curb! Sounds like you're doing a great job of keeping yourself healthy and fit - keep up the good work! )

dayone987

Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.

Please get out while you still can. You deserve better.
You need to think about why you are with someone like this.

markymarrkk

daaaaaaamn!! that's effed up... I would totally bang you. just saying

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I just read the second pargraph again.... Thats his exact wording?

I think its good to find somebody not just attracted to you by your weight. What did he say there? Read the second paragraph again. I think its good find someone who loves you for who you are, and not just your body size. Because our body sizes are just going to change over time. Thats a fact. I know its hard sometimes for our partners to word everything just right. So it doesn't hurt our feelings, because alot of us are sensitive to this subject. Do you think you have alot of potential? Were you thinner when you were younger? I might be the only one here thats not going to tell you to break up with him. Why don't you talk to him, and tell him how you took what he said. You have a few months to toss this around in your head. And maybe you can decide later if you need to upgrade the man situation.

You want his exact wording? LOL okay.. pretty much verbatim

Him: "Promise you don't get mad at me for what I am about to say."

Me: "Okay. say it"

Him: "I hope you lose the weight. I am not always that attracted to you, and when I see the american flag bikini picture in my head, I see the potential you have, and I am really attracted TO THE GIRL IN THAT PICTURE"

I capitalized the last part because there is no bolding function on here. LOL

I am going to open myself up here.
My wife said the same thing to me just about.
I used it as motivation to reach my fitness goals. And yes, it hurt.
She was just honest.
Should I have divorced her for that?
ABSURD!

Were you 145 pounds (or say the male equivalent 190) at the time?

Does it matter?
As one poster said "you're beautiful at ANY size"...lol
Seriously, does anybody really believe that?
Do we live in some dream world where love is so deep that it transcends physical beauty?
Maybe some of you folks are different.

Are you for real? Um, yes it matters. If you are a healthy weight and somebody is telling you that you need to lose weight to be attractive to them and they actually WANT you to do that, rather than just ending things - that is manipulative and complete BS.

splashangel

Geez. I would have been mad. I know me. I'd of been ON FIRE!!! But, I'm thinking, He could have NOT told you. It is something that bothers him because he has already left a relationship because of it. You did know that right? Does he give you his best? Is there anything thing from your past that you thought you would never deal with in a man that he does anyways.What I mean is, did the last boyfriend call you a banana head and you hated it. So, now this guy calls you a banana head. He could have just told you not to make the move because it wasn't going to work out. Do you love him? Do you believe he loves you? Communication is important. He told you how he really felt ( shallow or not)and this gives you the oppurtunity to work through this. Don't give up. Keep getting healthy. Don't be a door mat but don't shoot this thing down if there might be hope. He never said he did not love you. You do need to talk to him though. Calmly.If you love him.

Mybabie

Kick him to the curb. As my husband says its incredible how some people can have zero class. You can do better then him.

yoovie

If someone told me that I would be so full of motivation and fire to show them that they are right, and I know it deep down inside and though it may hurt to admit it - there's nothing but me stopping myself from being there now.

A man who can see potential in me, has my heart, honestly. I can only try to support him in trying to reach his potential as well.

Megasquid2001

How much does your boyfriend weigh? That's how much I think you still need to lose! What a butthead!

leannems

First of all - I'm really sorry that someone you care about made you feel bad. It's worse when someone you care about does it because they're supposed to be the people that make us feel good.

Second, don't let it affect your motivation. You're doing this for you - his idiotic comment is just that.

While I think everyone has the right to determine what they do and do not find attractive, I think you should think long and hard about the changes you are about to make in your life (i.e. moving) for someone who said something incredibly hurtful to you. It puts a ton of pressure on you - so what, if you don't lose the weight he'll break up with you too? I don't know why anyone would want to have that bearing on them all day, particularly in your relationship - which is the one place you are supposed to feel safe, beautiful and loved.

I think it's a good time to re-evaluate what you want with this person. Not because you may not lose the weight and he won't be attracted to you, but because he said something so hurtful, despite knowing it was going to be hurtful (he warned you that you might get pissed) and has just put a ton of pressure on your relationship. It's his capacity to be so demoralizing that I think is the bigger issue (although personally, if someone said they weren't attracted to me because of my weight, I would tell them to go elsewhere, because there's a lot of guys that I'm attracted to and who are attracted to me at my current weight).

tinamina78

Wow drop the guy.

^^^ like a hot potato! What a douche!

half_moon

He was just being honest.
Most guys would never do that. Use this as a way to set goals and strive for your own ideal.
Optimal body fat for a lady is around 20%, and as for weight, just fit yourself in the BMI range.
When we are fat, and our SO says we are beautiful, they're lying.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but pain makes us stronger.
The echo chamber will tell you to ditch him but guess what?
Every other guy will feel the same way. They just lie better.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:

THIS IS THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF CRAP I HAVE EVER HEARD! YOU ARE THE PROBABLY THE DOUCHE WHO SAID THAT TO THAT POOR GIRL!! IF YOU DON'T THINK YOUR WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE THEN I HOPE SHE DROPS YOU LIKE A HOT COAL AND FINDS HERSELF A REAL MAN!

careful.....:laugh:
Fanaticism is the brother of doubt.
I think you are so angry, because you know I hit a truth so hard to accept.
As usual......

So did you go to her profile and look at her pictures? Can you say she is overweight and unattractive/unhealthy?

I think she is beautiful and she looks great and everybody, including the SO, KNOWS she is trying hard to tone.

Your comments are insignificant to this conversation and situation. This boy is obviously never going to stay satisfied.

This isn't about being honest or whatever. This is about body image and the sick idea that 145 pounds is unhealthy and unattractive. It's not like she is even fat or anything. She ISN'T. She looks healthy and good. And she's trying to tone. Anybody who loves or cares for her would never put her down like that, like how he told her. Ever. Period. The end.

sharonfincher1

I hope he's now your ex boyfriend. What a mean thing to say to someone!

^^^^ This
If u cannot accept me how I am I don't need you in my life....

Sissy4EverX3

5,000 miles apart makes it easier to not miss him when he is your ex. Give him points for being honest, but seriously???? BYEBYE!!!!

THIS!

LFern

I definitely would NOT be moving and pulling up my entire life to be by someone that would be so rude as to put all that into words...unless that was the subject you were talking about and you asked his opinion?

If not - I would definitely say adios!!

Been married 33 years to a man that has NEVER mentioned my weight. He told me when we were dating that if I ever got as large as my sister-he would say good-bye. Well 4 kids & guess what? I'm pretty darn close to that size and he has never once made me feel any less attractive to him!

You deserve someone that actually cares about whether or not what they say may hurt your feelings!

2fat4knees

Seriously, if you haven't told this loser to kiss your *kitten* buhbye by now, then you will deserve the misery this jerk will put you thru ....better men are out there ..my daughter got married at 42 and size 28 to a (younger) man who thinks she is sexy and awesome as she is but supports her in her desire to get healthier as well

Laces_0ut

so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?

20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?

He's not refusing to date her. He's already dating her and f'ing with her head.

im asking the people in the thread saying its shallow to refuse to date an overweight person.

Yes. It's shallow but it's not harming anyone. If you are already in a relationship with a person and you can't be attracted to them how they are then you are committing a fraud. In this case, he fessed up. She should take this new information and send him packing so he can refuse to date 145 pound, healthy woman on his own time.

so if you get married and your SO gains 100 pounds you are shallow if you have a problem with it? thats not the person you married.

That's not applicable here, unless she weighed 45 pounds when they met.

i believe you said its shallow to not date someone if they are overweight. so it does apply for the discussion if not for the OP specifically.

people want what they want. it does not make them shallow. we all value some things over others. so either no one is shallow or we all are shallow.

Linbo93

I just looked at your pictures.

You are NOT FAT!

Sounds like he wants one of those super skinny model types.

Personally, I would dump him. I am engaged to someone I have been with for 5 years. I love him SO MUCH, but I can say with 100% conviction that if he ever said that to me I would dump him. People like that will NEVER BE HAPPY with you, no matter how skinny you get. The second you put on a few pounds, he'll have divorce papers ready. If you get pregnant? Forget it!

Find someone you don't have to constantly fear losing if you gain a pound or two! You will have a much happier life!

stablesong

He has no right to tell you he's not attracted to you. Dump his sorry *kitten* and find someone who appreciates you AND your body, as well as supports your efforts. This is emotional abuse. You can do better and you deserve better.

o_delaisse

Haven't read through all the comments, but am sure someone has already said what I'm about to say: OP, I know you're pulling a silly face in your picture, but it's so obvious you're gorgeous!

I hope you move on from him. What he said... wow. That's not someone I would want to be with. Can't help but wonder if you *looked* like his idea of a perfect woman what else he'd find to knock you down with, you know?

MDawg81

I'm sure this has been said multiple times, but this guy is an *kitten*. Instead of applauding your efforts, he makes sure to tell you he's not attracted to you because of your weight. Yep, an *kitten*.

Bobby_Clerici

He was just being honest.
Most guys would never do that. Use this as a way to set goals and strive for your own ideal.
Optimal body fat for a lady is around 20%, and as for weight, just fit yourself in the BMI range.
When we are fat, and our SO says we are beautiful, they're lying.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but pain makes us stronger.
The echo chamber will tell you to ditch him but guess what?
Every other guy will feel the same way. They just lie better.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:

Your answer sounds very shallow and all men do NOT lie. So if your wife gains weight are you gonna come out and say "honey you're fat and I am not attracted to you right now but when you lose weight I will be again."

She beat me to it...lol
I am the one who was getting the walking papers.
I wouldn't want to be with a woman who enabled me to be overweight and unhealthy. LOL at the people saying to dump him....I applaud him for being honest. If it weren't for my wife being honest with me, I wouldn't have gotten the kick in the pants that I needed to start getting healthy.
The truth hurts but sometimes that's what you need...:bigsmile:

Once again, I doubt you were 145 pounds and hot, like the OP.

No, the more and more we go on, the more I am thinking this guy was NOT trying to be supportive,.
I value straight talk but not mean, controlling head games.

GaidenJade

He sounds like a jerk. You can drop a few pounds by getting rid of a sandbag like him.

^^ This.
I am all for honesty. "Honey, I'm worried that your health is suffering for how much weight you've gained." or "Oh you're going to get back into shape? That's great. I remember those pictures of you back when you were younger. Yikes, if you get there again I'd be so proud."
^^ Something like that, is fine. But this! No way. This means that he will screw around if you don't stay a certain weight and a certain level of hotness. Just sayin. Drop him fast and find someone more worthy of you.

alleycat88

I had NO idea this would go for so many pages, but I would like to thank each and every one of you for your replies, whether they were calling him an idiot, or supporting his honesty. I hung up rather quickly after he said that because I don't feel like fighting right now. It's friday evening and I don't want to stress right now. I'd rather talk to him tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone.

kennethmgreen

@ Kenneth. Are you reading my posts correctly?

I have not once said I do not like my boyfriend, I don't like the way he choses to negatively "motivate" me and I don't like that he sees pictures of 17 year old me. I am 23. I didn't have hips until I was 20! My figure and body-type have changed just from age alone, and while I may one day WEIGH the same, chances are I won't LOOK the same.

I have loved him and supported his choice to lose weight and he is 180 @ 5'11 and looks great in my eyes. He looked great in my eyes when he was 195-200 so please don't say I don't "like" him. I don't like the things he says some times, but I do love him.

I wrote that you don't seem to like him very much, based on the posts I read:

OK, I've read some of your follow-up posts in this thread. You don't seem to like your boyfriend very much. *THAT'S* a good reason to end the relationship.

I was seeing a lot of responses to dump him, and was confused. Then I saw some of your follow-up posts, and combined with your OP, I got the impression that you were not painting your boyfriend in a very positive light on a website that I presume he has not access to. So I assumed you were doing this behind his back. And to me, that sounds like something a person would do to someone they don't like very much.

I'm sorry if I've completely missed your point. I don't have the right to judge your relationship. I was going by what you posted, including a follow-up comment that included this:

and honestly, I knew my BF was shallow when we met

Your original post sounded like you were frustrated with your own progress and wanted to paint your boyfriend as an insensitive jerk, and get other MFP users to rally around you disparaging him. If that was your intent, it certainly worked.

If your boyfriend were to read your posts in this thread would he feel like you like him very much?

eatandexercise1

I say dump the jerk and enjoy life without him while you wait for a guy who'll treat you like a princess.

A_New_Horizon

I can tell you were this is going....to abuse (both mentally and verbally). My soon to be ex-husband did the same thing except I was bigger than I am now. When I started losing weight, it was never good enough. We are now in the process of a divorce. Oh, he was abusive as well - never physcially hit me but his words cut deep. Have major scars from it, but I am slowly getting my self-esteem back. Do it for you and no one else. Dump the loser!!!!

doogie52

Dump him for sure...I think you look great but I'm a little old for you...

damionruns

Drop em like he's hot..