Talk about a slap in the face. Motivation depleted.
Replies
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i would have ended it right there.0
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WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY WITH A DOUCH BAG? JUST WONDERING.... he gots to go.0
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I love how everyone is so negative on your BF.
Here's something to think about...maybe he knows what your goals are and is not the best communicator. With that in mind, could it be that you are misinterpreting his attempt at support? Remember, that not everyone conveys what they mean in perfection, and no matter what your mindset is at the time, you will have influence upon how you read what is said.
This isn't the first time he comments on my weight. We had a HUGE argument around christmas time when I was the heaviest I have ever been (155), and I wasn't happy with myself. I started putting together a plan to lose weight. The way he thought was best to "motivate" me was by being negative and I confronted him about it.
He changed significantly and was very supportive WHICH IS WHY THIS HURTS SO MUCH. Out of the blue, after 2 months of hard work (and him being supportive) he tells me this. I'm starting to think a lot of things he has said has been utter bullcrap. He is telling me now again he is not attracted to me despite the discussions we have had previously regarding this subject and how I think he should have handled things back then.
What's interesting is you miss the greatest point...he's not into your looks, meaning he sees the real you and is with you because of it0 -
PLEASE BREAK UP WITH HIM.0
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I am thinking you are right.
careful.....:laugh:He was just being honest.
Most guys would never do that. Use this as a way to set goals and strive for your own ideal.
Optimal body fat for a lady is around 20%, and as for weight, just fit yourself in the BMI range.
When we are fat, and our SO says we are beautiful, they're lying.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but pain makes us stronger.
The echo chamber will tell you to ditch him but guess what?
Every other guy will feel the same way. They just lie better.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
THIS IS THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF CRAP I HAVE EVER HEARD! YOU ARE THE PROBABLY THE DOUCHE WHO SAID THAT TO THAT POOR GIRL!! IF YOU DON'T THINK YOUR WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE THEN I HOPE SHE DROPS YOU LIKE A HOT COAL AND FINDS HERSELF A REAL MAN!
Fanaticism is the brother of doubt.
I think you are so angry, because you know I hit a truth so hard to accept.
As usual......
So did you go to her profile and look at her pictures? Can you say she is overweight and unattractive/unhealthy?
I think she is beautiful and she looks great and everybody, including the SO, KNOWS she is trying hard to tone.
Your comments are insignificant to this conversation and situation. This boy is obviously never going to stay satisfied.
This isn't about being honest or whatever. This is about body image and the sick idea that 145 pounds is unhealthy and unattractive. It's not like she is even fat or anything. She ISN'T. She looks healthy and good. And she's trying to tone. Anybody who loves or cares for her would never put her down like that, like how he told her. Ever. Period. The end.
My comparison of situations may not apply.
Still, use this incident to strive for your ideal - whatever that is for you.
Love him, leave him, but just keep punching and working to reach potential.0 -
Is back home Nola? If so, last I checked, we have plenty of hot fish in the lake that would love to treat you with a LOT more respect! Chin up cher, you're a lovely woman and should have a guy that loves you for you. :-)0
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Well, you believe wrong. I never said any such thing.
That's not applicable here, unless she weighed 45 pounds when they met.
Yes. It's shallow but it's not harming anyone. If you are already in a relationship with a person and you can't be attracted to them how they are then you are committing a fraud. In this case, he fessed up. She should take this new information and send him packing so he can refuse to date 145 pound, healthy woman on his own time.
He's not refusing to date her. He's already dating her and f'ing with her head.so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?
im asking the people in the thread saying its shallow to refuse to date an overweight person.
so if you get married and your SO gains 100 pounds you are shallow if you have a problem with it? thats not the person you married.
i believe you said its shallow to not date someone if they are overweight. so it does apply for the discussion if not for the OP specifically.
people want what they want. it does not make them shallow. we all value some things over others. so either no one is shallow or we all are shallow.0 -
Well the BF was here at the beginning of July for 10 days. We were just on the phone and he goes "You have great features, and while I don't find myself attracted to you because of your weight, I do see potential in you and when I see old pictures of you and where you have been, I see that you can be smaller than you are"
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Well, simply tell him that HE has great features, and while I dont find myself attracted to you because of your less then average 'manhood and lack of skill in the bedroom' I do remember the potential you had back when we first started dating. When I remember where you 'have been' I know that just because you are smaller then average doesnt mean you can NEVER LEARN how to satisfiy a woman.......0 -
My 2 cents?
He could have had a little more tact BUT he was being honest and you told him to say it so shame on you for being mad when you said you wouldn't be.
HOWEVER, first- he's not your husband there's a different level of commitment so lets not compare apples to oranges. 2nd- depending on your level of love there are two sides to his comment. IF he loves you then his LOVE should not change regardless of weight. END OF POINT. However, love and attraction are two different beasts. Initially the relationship is based on physical because it hasn't had the time to develop deeper.
For instance, my boyfriend and I have known each other 6yrs, dating 2.5. I have a medical condition, PCOS, that made me gain 60lbs in a rapid amount of time (5mnths) it is now an UPHILL struggle but he supports me EVERY step of the way. He NEVER says I know what you used to look like and I'm not really attracted to you anymore. He has gained 30lbs and I support him. I don't see his weight as an unattractive thing because when I look at him its not JUST about the surface anymore its about SO much more!
NOW, ALL THAT BEING SAID- I do encourage him to lose weight because its unhealthy and I want him around for the long time and likewise. Do I worry he doesn't find me attractive? NO because at the end of the day LOVE IS NOT BASED SOLELY ON PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, LUST IS. Figure out where your relationship is and go from there. If your in the lust stage then hey he said what he said accept it and either keep doing what you are doing and ask him to help you and be your support system or dump him. If your in the LOVE can't live without you stage well then... maybe he's not.0 -
I wrote that you don't seem to like him very much, based on the posts I read:@ Kenneth. Are you reading my posts correctly?
I have not once said I do not like my boyfriend, I don't like the way he choses to negatively "motivate" me and I don't like that he sees pictures of 17 year old me. I am 23. I didn't have hips until I was 20! My figure and body-type have changed just from age alone, and while I may one day WEIGH the same, chances are I won't LOOK the same.
I have loved him and supported his choice to lose weight and he is 180 @ 5'11 and looks great in my eyes. He looked great in my eyes when he was 195-200 so please don't say I don't "like" him. I don't like the things he says some times, but I do love him.
I was seeing a lot of responses to dump him, and was confused. Then I saw some of your follow-up posts, and combined with your OP, I got the impression that you were not painting your boyfriend in a very positive light on a website that I presume he has not access to. So I assumed you were doing this behind his back. And to me, that sounds like something a person would do to someone they don't like very much.OK, I've read some of your follow-up posts in this thread. You don't seem to like your boyfriend very much. *THAT'S* a good reason to end the relationship.
I'm sorry if I've completely missed your point. I don't have the right to judge your relationship. I was going by what you posted, including a follow-up comment that included this:and honestly, I knew my BF was shallow when we met
Your original post sounded like you were frustrated with your own progress and wanted to paint your boyfriend as an insensitive jerk, and get other MFP users to rally around you disparaging him. If that was your intent, it certainly worked.
If your boyfriend were to read your posts in this thread would he feel like you like him very much?
Based on previous conversations between my BF and I, he KNOWS how it makes me feel when he says such things, so I doubt he would be surprised by anything I wrote in any of my posts. Both he and I are both honest to one another
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Thanks for sharing today....that took guts!I had NO idea this would go for so many pages, but I would like to thank each and every one of you for your replies, whether they were calling him an idiot, or supporting his honesty. I hung up rather quickly after he said that because I don't feel like fighting right now. It's friday evening and I don't want to stress right now. I'd rather talk to him tomorrow.
Thanks again everyone.
Sometimes in life, guts and grit is what pulls us across the winner's tape.
ALL IS POSSIBLE!0 -
someone who doesn't appreciate you as you are now doesn't deserve you as you " have the potential" to be. Bu bye0
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Ha! The apologists are getting more creative with their excuses.I love how everyone is so negative on your BF.
Here's something to think about...maybe he knows what your goals are and is not the best communicator. With that in mind, could it be that you are misinterpreting his attempt at support? Remember, that not everyone conveys what they mean in perfection, and no matter what your mindset is at the time, you will have influence upon how you read what is said.
This isn't the first time he comments on my weight. We had a HUGE argument around christmas time when I was the heaviest I have ever been (155), and I wasn't happy with myself. I started putting together a plan to lose weight. The way he thought was best to "motivate" me was by being negative and I confronted him about it.
He changed significantly and was very supportive WHICH IS WHY THIS HURTS SO MUCH. Out of the blue, after 2 months of hard work (and him being supportive) he tells me this. I'm starting to think a lot of things he has said has been utter bullcrap. He is telling me now again he is not attracted to me despite the discussions we have had previously regarding this subject and how I think he should have handled things back then.
What's interesting is you miss the greatest point...he's not into your looks, meaning he sees the real you and is with you because of it0 -
Yes the second picture is me now.
Sweetheart...LOSE that motherf*cker, and lose the weight for YOU.
You look great NOW, so you will look even better once you reach your goal. You are 23, and you have your ENTIRE life ahead of you. Don't waste it on some dude who has baggage, and don't "acquire" his baggage. If you aren't good enough for him NOW, you will NEVER be good enough for him. I echo the sentiments regarding the possibility of you marrying this *kitten* and having children. Your body will inevitably change. Even if you lose whatever pregancy weight you gain, your body will be different. Do you really want to always have it in the back of your mind that you might not be good enough for him? Not sexy enough? Not thin enough?
To the fellas who say "he was just being honest"....
I do give him credit for his honesty. But, when someone shows you who they are, it is up to us TO BELIEVE THEM. If he wants a perpetually thin woman, that is his unrealistic choice. However, does the OP want to live in doubt of her appearance for the duration of her relationship? Do you have ANY idea what that does to a person's self esteem? PLEASE take a look at her other picture. What heterosexual dude isn't attracted to a figure like THAT?? AND, she's trying to slim down EVEN MORE???!!! No. This dude has some serious issues.0 -
Yow! Take it from an old coot who is celebrating his 39th anniversary with my wife today.
Someday, for any number of reasons - having babies, injuries, bad knees, whatever - you will gain weight. And this dipstick is going to dump you. And he'll say something like "I told you I am only attracted to you when you are thin.." or something along those lines. And he will move on to an even younger honey.
He is an unfeeling loser. Dump him as fast as you can and count yourself lucky. :drinker:0 -
I am thinking you are right.
careful.....:laugh:He was just being honest.
Most guys would never do that. Use this as a way to set goals and strive for your own ideal.
Optimal body fat for a lady is around 20%, and as for weight, just fit yourself in the BMI range.
When we are fat, and our SO says we are beautiful, they're lying.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but pain makes us stronger.
The echo chamber will tell you to ditch him but guess what?
Every other guy will feel the same way. They just lie better.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
THIS IS THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF CRAP I HAVE EVER HEARD! YOU ARE THE PROBABLY THE DOUCHE WHO SAID THAT TO THAT POOR GIRL!! IF YOU DON'T THINK YOUR WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE THEN I HOPE SHE DROPS YOU LIKE A HOT COAL AND FINDS HERSELF A REAL MAN!
Fanaticism is the brother of doubt.
I think you are so angry, because you know I hit a truth so hard to accept.
As usual......
So did you go to her profile and look at her pictures? Can you say she is overweight and unattractive/unhealthy?
I think she is beautiful and she looks great and everybody, including the SO, KNOWS she is trying hard to tone.
Your comments are insignificant to this conversation and situation. This boy is obviously never going to stay satisfied.
This isn't about being honest or whatever. This is about body image and the sick idea that 145 pounds is unhealthy and unattractive. It's not like she is even fat or anything. She ISN'T. She looks healthy and good. And she's trying to tone. Anybody who loves or cares for her would never put her down like that, like how he told her. Ever. Period. The end.
My comparison of situations may not apply.
Still, use this incident to strive for your ideal - whatever that is for you.
Love him, leave him, but just keep punching and working to reach potential.
^^^This.
When I started to gain weight, my husband told me. He told me I was beautiful, and that he would go to the gym with me. He said it kindly and with love. He knew I wasn't happy with my body. Now we are both happy. I am 100% for honesty in relationships.
But this-- this is just mean an insensitive.
Dump him and keep up your awesome NEW healthy life!!0 -
Oh my goodness. I hope you have dumped him. Let me tell you, my beloved hubs put on about 75 in the last few years. At his heaviest I still loved him and found him attractive. I wanted him to lose weight because I worry about his health and with his bad back the weight was killing him. But if he had been healthy and comfortable I would not have had a problem with it. I am glad that he lost weight because he has more energy and feels better and I'm sure his heart and stuff is doing way better.
Real love loves you even when you are a few pounds overweight. My husband loved me when I was 5 lbs heavier and had more flab. He never made me feel fat or undesirable. He loves me now that I have built muscle and have gotten a little smaller. He will love me and find me irresistible whether I lose more weight, stay here, or gain a little weight. We love each other for other things besides our waistlines.
Maybe you need to find a guy who is attracted to what is inside of you. One who would never even think what this guy said to you. Life is too short to be with a jerk. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you deserve a better one.0 -
Yow! Take it from an old coot who is celebrating his 39th anniversary with my wife today.
Someday, for any number of reasons - having babies, injuries, bad knees, whatever - you will gain weight. And this dipstick is going to dump you. And he'll say something like "I told you I am only attracted to you when you are thin.." or something along those lines. And he will move on to an even younger honey.
He is an unfeeling loser. Dump him as fast as you can and count yourself lucky. :drinker:
Exactly my thoughts too!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
My 2 cents?
He could have had a little more tact BUT he was being honest and you told him to say it so shame on you for being mad when you said you wouldn't be.
I didn't yell at him or get mad at him. I talked with him for a few more minutes, blamed the dog and said I had to go for a walk with the dog. So I half way kept my promise. at least I'm not directing my anger towards him.. yet :explode: :laugh:
a little humor there
good night y'all 0 -
Yow! Take it from an old coot who is celebrating his 39th anniversary with my wife today.
Someday, for any number of reasons - having babies, injuries, bad knees, whatever - you will gain weight. And this dipstick is going to dump you. And he'll say something like "I told you I am only attracted to you when you are thin.." or something along those lines. And he will move on to an even younger honey.
He is an unfeeling loser. Dump him as fast as you can and count yourself lucky. :drinker:
^^^^ Yep!!!
Beauty...youth it's only temporary!!0 -
I've heard that **** before too from people who were the crappiest boyfriends ever and full of their own issues--like, don't mention THEIR weight/hairloss/impotence/etc. You deserve better.0
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Please get out while you still can. He sounds like he will just end up controlling, even if you're the weight he thinks you should be. You can find a man who will love you & find you beautiful at 130 or 230. They're out there. I weigh 80 pounds more now than when I married my husband (kids, etc.). There are pictures on the wall from our wedding. I've told my husband that I feel so unattractive because of my weight & he replied (with all honesty), "I don't see it. You look the same to me now as when I met you."
Don't EVER let that man have a chance to tell you that you aren't attractive again. In 10 years, he'll probably be overweight, losing his hair, divorced, & wishing he'd never let the hottest woman he'd had get away!0 -
okay. this one is my favorite. wish i would've said it...0
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Please listen to the other posters before me and don't move to be with this guy. Points to him for honesty, but wow! You need to lose your weight to make yourself happy. Don't do it for some guy who talked to you like that!0
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uuummmm.....hurtful much? geeze0
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5,000 miles apart makes it easier to not miss him when he is your ex. Give him points for being honest, but seriously???? BYEBYE!!!!
Exactly what she said ^^^ gosh, i so sorry. But you do deserve someone who loves you for you. Keep looking and work on yourself for YOU0 -
Your body will keep changing at every phase in life.. No one looks the same way they did when they were 17.. this guy clearly doesn't love you for who you are..hope you find someone who loves you no matter how your body looks now, had looked in the past or will look in the future ! Don't lose your motivation because of some loser's words.. stay motivated and achieve your goals, you will find immense confidence and strength ! Good Luck !0
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Btw, i used to babysit (when i was a teenager) for a couple with 3 kids and the husband was a jerk. The wife had to work out so and so much, could not gain a pound or she would be out on a diet... omg, she was miserable until they got divorced years later. Now she is very happy. And the guy is still the same jerk. I'm pretty sure he cheated on her multiple times...0
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Its pretty unbelievable you are still with him.... He is SOOOO NOT WORTH IT. A guy like this would never touch me again!0
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Take it from someone who made this mistake- get out now. My husband is exactly like this guy, and my life is miserable. What's funny is, he met me when I was thin (my after pic was taken the day before we met actually), and occasionally nit-picked me even then. If my make-up wasn't always done I was being a slob. If I wore sweat pants even for hanging around the house I was a slob. And I ask myself almost every day "WHY? Why did you marry this guy?" He saw that pic of me on my camera about a year ago and said "you used to be so-hot, why didn't you ever look like this for me?" To which I informed him that's EXACTLY what I looked like when we met, and showed him the digital date stamp on the photo proving it was from the day before we met. He said, "I don't remember you ever looking hot." And now that I'm bigger from having a baby, he straight up tells me I disgust him, and that he should've listened when his mom told him not to marry me because I'd probably get fat again some day.
I am where I am, and I will stay- it was a bad decision, but it was my decision, and my little girl loves her daddy too much for me to even think about taking him out of her life. But if you can get out, get out!!!!!! It will not get better. We have times where it seems as though he's finally gotten over it, but then he'll snap and it starts all over again.0
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