Open Relationships?
Replies
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It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.
Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.
In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.
To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.
Don't you know that mfp generally consists of the most absolute moralistic folks in the world? That said, the sheep need to get over themselves.0 -
No. Just, not for me. I could add another woman to our time together, but I wouldn't be able to have an open relationship. I'd need to be there. I'd need to come first. But, I can be kind of a jealous person at times.
ETA: I would however change this idea were I to be married and raising a family. Everyone has different limits, different opinions. Here may not be the best place to ask for them. Just talk to the SO about what the TWO of you want
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I agree with Nicki. It's not immature people who are in committed monogamous relationships. If anyone is immature it's the ones who get married then cheat even if it is cheating with permission. Also like Nicki, I was 19 when I started dating my husband so we had been together for 5 years when I was her age too. That was 18 years ago.It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.
We aren't swingers, per se, but we are rather open. We've been happily married for 12 years. Things like that tend to spice up a couple's sex life if it gets in a rut.
To me, sex is just sex and adding a third or fourth to the mix just makes more sex.
its not that we werent mature enough to handle it, if something is hurting us we need to fix because over all this strange coming our way WE ALWAYS COME FIRST
I understand. You are SO YOUNG though. You need to be in a real strong relationship first. You are lucky that you are able to stick together and work on yours. So many others are not that strong.
our relationship is strong weve been together 5 years now and when this was going on it was our 4th year I dont understand why people assume our relationship isnt strong because hes 25 and im 24
As for all the anecdotes, they're just that. For every marriage that makes it work far more don't. I can tell you stories about women who married their boyfriend after he knocked her up when she was 15 and they made it work. I can tell stories of couples with 40 year age differences who made it work. Hell, there are even some Hollywood couples who have been together over 30 years. But a story doesn't mean it's the norm. It could be 1 in a million.
Really though, why even bother getting married at all if you want to f* around?
Monogamy is a CHOICE. It is not our nature to be monogamous.
I choose to be monogamous with my husband and he with I. But it definitely is not the nature of humans as the animal beings we are.0 -
It will never work. It will always end badly.... Don't do it. There is literally thousands of other ways to spice up a marraige!
^^^this0 -
I don't see the point of being in a relationship if you're gonna swing. It's like you want something else but are afraid to leave the security of that relationship. My aunt and her husband started an open relationship b/c the husband was creeping and my aunt was desperate to hold on to him and get revenge. It didn't go well at all and it was for all the wrong reasons.
To each his/her own but I personally am too selfish and too jealous and I've always been a loyal GF/wife so it wouldn't work for me and I've been completely unable to wrap my head around the purpose of it...0 -
I think if both people are on board then go for it, I see nothing wrong with it.....not that I ever thought about or anything....0
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I'd need to come first.
Heh.0 -
I've known many couples that tried, and none who succeeded. I do know OF one couple who do it successfully. I'm not sure it's a "maturity" thing. Lots of trusting, self-actualized folks just don't like to share their mate. If you are both able to separate sex from emotion and aren't prone to jealousy, and if you already enjoy an exceptionally stable, honest relationship, it could work. Best of luck.0
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I'd need to come first.
Heh.
Haha, I didn't even catch that!0 -
I don't see the point of being in a relationship if you're gonna swing.
Swinging is a hobbie, just like camping, boating or any other activity that couples like to do together.0 -
It’s not for me personally but if other folks want to try it out that’s for them to decide.
That said, I’ve never known anyone who’s tried one and managed to stay together. Doesn’t mean it never happens, but I think it’s probably quite rare. It’s far too risky. It’s much more likely to make things not work than make you happier with each other.0 -
Im in an open relationship. Its necessary for my sanity. I dont act on that, though.
Meaning, one man has my heart, but he doesnt have his thumb on me, especially cause its the kind of situation where you dont get to see each other very often. So I completely have the option to involve myself intimately elsewhere, I just dont want to. I can, but I dont.
This does not make sense at all !! You need the open relationship for your sanity but you are very happy in your relationship???
It does make sense. To me. And him. Theres no need to ????!!! at us. Im very happy, very very very very very very happy in an impossible situation that we cared enough to MAKE WORK.
Not everyone is handed a nice neat package thats convenient and gift wrapped and uncomplicated - sometimes you have to custom build a method that works for the both of you. You may not need to sleep with other people or be involved with other people, but knowing the outlet is there if your man isnt anywhere nearby to be there for you - whether its emotionally or sexually, etc. - can be a comfort, and it can help you feel a bit more stable. Especially if you are someone that hasnt been in a relationship for 10 years, like me, and is used to my independence on top of everything else.
Whats sad to me is that those that did find someone, fall in love, have an exclusive relationship, get engaged, get married... all their little ducks in a row the traditional way, because it was possible for them rear up their heads with all of this judgemental hatred and wag their fingers and their tongues at everyone that wasnt able to find love the easy way.
Its as though, finding love and happiness the traditional way- means that just because it was easier for you gives you the right to hate everyone that didnt find it easily.
I hope you all enjoy your high horses.
Not everyone was as lucky as you and I understand that gives you the right to be awful.0 -
I haven't read all of the replies, but such a relationship would not be for me. I don't even like sharing office supplies, and I sure as hell am not sharing my husband.
ETA: However, I don't care what anyone else does. As long as it's all consensual and everyone involved in the relationship is in agreement, do whatever floats your boat!0 -
I know people who lead that lifestyle successfully. I also know people who are in a poly relationship and are extremely happy and well off with their arrangement
Everyone screaming "It will ruin a relationship!!" "There are other ways to spice it up without cheating!" need to realize that not all relationships are exactly the same. If they want to bump uglies with others, and are both cool with it, more power to them. If they are fine with it, it's not cheating. Not everyone decides to have a one-on-one-strictly relationship. Who are you to tell a happy couple they are wrong because their idea of a good relationship doesn't mesh well with yours?0 -
this forum is probably not the best place to ask for advice on this topic, lol - you'll get dogpiled. i didn't read through the entire thread, but you probably already have.
i was in open relationships for many years. my fiancé and i met while we were both seeing several other people. my experience is that there are people who can have an open relationship without trashing their current commitments; and there are many other people who want to but can't, and still more who don't have the first clue how their actions are affecting others.
my fiancé and i gave it up because we were tired of how much WORK it is. you really, honestly have to believe it's worth it and be prepared to deal with emotional drama all the time at the drop of a hat.0 -
It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.
Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.
In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.
To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.
You're coming off like a bit of a hypocrite.... no offense but you're mad people don't seem to think you can be committed doing it your way and you turn around and pretty much say they are less committed not doing it your way. Sooo they can't criticize your life choices but you can criticize theirs?
A wedding does not lessen commitment any more than it strengthens it let's be real here.
Not to mention just because you are married doesn't mean you even had a wedding.0 -
I could never do it. First off, as a military wife it would just give us GOOD FAITHFUL ones even more of a bad rap. It's bad enough military wives get labeled for all being hoes. Secondly, I love my husband too much to throw our vows down the line. Last time I checked swinging may as well be like cheating and my vows certainly didn't mention that's okay. Lastly, it may be for some people, but honestly if you are going to have an open relationship than you may as well just "date around" so no one gets hurt. People say they don't get hurt but psychologically, we can only handle so much.0
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I am not in an open relationship, but I fully respect those who are, and I definitely understand the point of polyamory. Wanna be in one? You have my full blessing. Just don't be stupid.
For example: say one person in a loving, committed relationship had never, say, "played the field" or "tested the waters" before entering into that loving, committed relationship. And every so often, that person made mention of that fact. Say the other person DID play the field beforehand, and completely understood the others' thoughts and feelings on the matter. Would it be wrong to let the less experienced person out on a controlled leash to experience other people?0 -
First of all, just to clear up some issues: If someone is pressuring you into opening up the relationship, of course it's going to fail, and fail badly. Because (in my oh so humble opinion) that person wants to fool around with someone else. There's already issues in your relationship. It's supposed to be fun for both parties - not just one. Don't freaking do it. (Duh.)
Saying that couples that are open are immature, don't really want *real* relationships, are just cheaters/bad people (and my favorite, disease riddled and NASTY!) all around - thank you for that judgement. 'Preciate your kindness and tolerance for something you know hardly anything about.
And as for if they 'last' - well. What's the US percentage on divorce? 40-53%? It doesn't seem like a lot of relationships are lasting - maybe due to someone cheating, maybe due to incompatibility, who knows. I'm not sure it's fair to say that they are flimsy when it seems that /most/ marriages these days are flimsy.
I'm in an open relationship - we're poly. Josh and I've been together for over 10 years - friends first, then we dated. My first serious relationship was not with him but he was there for me when it went *kitten* up. I knew he was poly when I met him, and we were both 'single' when we cemented our relationship. I wasn't poly, but it wasn't long before I met a friend of his, and then another friend - and the rest is history. We both have strong relationships outside of our /very/ strong one. There is no 'cheating', there is nothing sordid or gross about it.
Honestly, we are one big family - I like Josh's 'husband', and treat him with respect and love - and he does the same for me. Our families get together during the year, we celebrate holidays, and we've got kids. It's our 'normal', and there's nothing wrong with it.
I guess we're just wired that way - and some people aren't, and that's okay too.
Oh - and it goes without saying that we have strong communication, and our trust levels are at supernatural heights. But these values are intrinsic for any relationship, not just poly ones. And we do keep it on the 'down low' - my mom knows, and our kid knows, but the outside world at large does not.0 -
i fink diz fin, u GOTT2 uze contresepsion tho wich bad. lds mormon sey dat u cn av multipal wivs BUT u cant uze contreseption. so b prepard tio have babes. if u nt prepard to av babes den u gota stay wiv ur husbend. Simplez
kelly x0 -
I am not in an open relationship, but I fully respect those who are, and I definitely understand the point of polyamory. Wanna be in one? You have my full blessing. Just don't be stupid.
For example: say one person in a loving, committed relationship had never, say, "played the field" or "tested the waters" before entering into that loving, committed relationship. And every so often, that person made mention of that fact. Say the other person DID play the field beforehand, and completely understood the others' thoughts and feelings on the matter. Would it be wrong to let the less experienced person out on a controlled leash to experience other people?
No, I don't believe so. I think that if both parties are comfortable with the idea and the people the inexperienced person chooses to experiment with, I think that is fine.0 -
Definitely not for me or my hubby as we're both of the jealous type, but my question is why even bother with a marriage or committed relationship? I can't wrap my head around how sex is just sex and there isn't an emotional connection on some level. Maybe that's why I couldn't ever do that, let alone cheat.
Best of luck to you though. We knew of a couple that did this. The husband asked for it, the wife said okay to keep a happy marriage and they lasted less than a year. He asked for it to justify cheating on his wife with other women.0 -
To the OP it appears you have already made your decision as you are replying to and agreeing with the the ones that are for the open relationships. Why would it matter what anybody on MFP said anyway? If they all said no would you decide not to do it? I cant imagine it is a good idea. Like others have said there are other ways to spice up a relationship. I dont know if you have children or not but if so I would be more concerned about what they would think if they found out. Also sex is not just sex. It is a very intimate thing shared between two people that love each other when it is inside a marraige. Maybe when you are 20 years old sleeping around then sex is just sex but not when you felt strongly enough about the person you are with to make a lifetime commitment. Last time I checked marriage vows didnt state till death do we part......or until we become boring in the bedroom. Marraiges fail every day for various reasons...it happens. People cheat, fall out of love, get married too young, etc. I just feel this is another sure fire reason to eventually divorce. If you do have children would you want their significant other sleeping with others when they become bored? You asked opinions and this is mine. Sorry if it upsets you.0
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I think they are a bad idea. You marry one person, you didn't marry the world so there should be things you do with only that one person. Also you can lay down the law as much as you think but we're all humans and that's asking for someone to slip up and a disease to be passed or a heart to be broken.0
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It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.
Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.
In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.
To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.
You're coming off like a bit of a hypocrite.... no offense but you're mad people don't seem to think you can be committed doing it your way and you turn around and pretty much say they are less committed not doing it your way. Sooo they can't criticize your life choices but you can criticize theirs?
A wedding does not lessen commitment any more than it strengthens it let's be real here.
Not to mention just because you are married doesn't mean you even had a wedding.
I said that something seems a certain way to me, just like something else obviously seems a certain way to everyone else. This is not hypocrisy, its saying that I dont understand why only the traditional way is accepted, even if it doesnt work. I didnt say they were less committed than me, not in any way shape or form.
What I said was, it seems more beautiful to me.
I didnt say a wedding isnt a committment - i said that jokingly say ou kno longer have to date your man is sad. Ok I got married i win im done now i can go criticize everyone else - thats really sad to me.
Never said marriage wasnt commitment. Im sorry if it seemed that way. My parents have been madly in love and married for 34 years and still **** like rabbits, so I do not feel as though marriage doesnt work.
I just feel like... sometimes a situation needs something different and its unfair to say that just because its not marriage, doesnt mean its not good enough.0 -
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Kids deserve a stable environment, so if you have kids or plan on having kids, leave your alternative lifestyle at the door. Having sex with other people is for single people, not married people. If the relationship is good, then you don't need anyone else in it. Sounds like it is his idea not yours. If you have to ask a bunch of strangers about a personal decision, then you already know it is not for you. I have been married for 15 years and i have never wanted to be with anyone else, even when I was fantasizing about hitting my hubby over the head with a frying pan. Even when things weren't clicking in the bedroom. The unique thing about marriage and commitment is that you work through those things or wait them out. Sticking through the ups and downs together deepens your relationship in a way you can't describe until you live it. You both made a commitment to only be with each other - for the rest of your lives. There is magic, meaning, and poetry in that. Committed relationships are like diamonds, pressure treated gems that come from nothing valuable, then valuable because they are rare.0
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i fink diz fin, u GOTT2 uze contresepsion tho wich bad. lds mormon sey dat u cn av multipal wivs BUT u cant uze contreseption. so b prepard tio have babes. if u nt prepard to av babes den u gota stay wiv ur husbend. Simplez
kelly x
No offense, BUT PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. My brain hurts trying to decipher this.0 -
i fink diz fin, u GOTT2 uze contresepsion tho wich bad. lds mormon sey dat u cn av multipal wivs BUT u cant uze contreseption. so b prepard tio have babes. if u nt prepard to av babes den u gota stay wiv ur husbend. Simplez
kelly x
No offense, BUT PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. My brain hurts trying to decipher this.
I think this person is a troll.0 -
Not for me.
However for some, good in theory. From what I've heard someone always ends up being jealous or it turns into someone being a third wheel.0
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