Open Relationships?
Replies
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First of all, just to clear up some issues: If someone is pressuring you into opening up the relationship, of course it's going to fail, and fail badly. Because (in my oh so humble opinion) that person wants to fool around with someone else. There's already issues in your relationship. It's supposed to be fun for both parties - not just one. Don't freaking do it. (Duh.)
Saying that couples that are open are immature, don't really want *real* relationships, are just cheaters/bad people (and my favorite, disease riddled and NASTY!) all around - thank you for that judgement. 'Preciate your kindness and tolerance for something you know hardly anything about.
And as for if they 'last' - well. What's the US percentage on divorce? 40-53%? It doesn't seem like a lot of relationships are lasting - maybe due to someone cheating, maybe due to incompatibility, who knows. I'm not sure it's fair to say that they are flimsy when it seems that /most/ marriages these days are flimsy.
I'm in an open relationship - we're poly. Josh and I've been together for over 10 years - friends first, then we dated. My first serious relationship was not with him but he was there for me when it went *kitten* up. I knew he was poly when I met him, and we were both 'single' when we cemented our relationship. I wasn't poly, but it wasn't long before I met a friend of his, and then another friend - and the rest is history. We both have strong relationships outside of our /very/ strong one. There is no 'cheating', there is nothing sordid or gross about it.
Honestly, we are one big family - I like Josh's 'husband', and treat him with respect and love - and he does the same for me. Our families get together during the year, we celebrate holidays, and we've got kids. It's our 'normal', and there's nothing wrong with it.
I guess we're just wired that way - and some people aren't, and that's okay too.
Oh - and it goes without saying that we have strong communication, and our trust levels are at supernatural heights. But these values are intrinsic for any relationship, not just poly ones. And we do keep it on the 'down low' - my mom knows, and our kid knows, but the outside world at large does not.
Thank you for this. It's people like you that I have the utmost respect for.0 -
i fink diz fin, u GOTT2 uze contresepsion tho wich bad. lds mormon sey dat u cn av multipal wivs BUT u cant uze contreseption. so b prepard tio have babes. if u nt prepard to av babes den u gota stay wiv ur husbend. Simplez
kelly x
No offense, BUT PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. My brain hurts trying to decipher this.
I think this person is a troll.
Ugh, I disdain trolls. Back under the bridge!0 -
You both made a commitment to only be with each other - for the rest of your lives.
How do you know what they committed to?0 -
Kids deserve a stable environment, so if you have kids or plan on having kids, leave your alternative lifestyle at the door. Having sex with other people is for single people, not married people. If the relationship is good, then you don't need anyone else in it. Sounds like it is his idea not yours. If you have to ask a bunch of strangers about a personal decision, then you already know it is not for you. I have been married for 15 years and i have never wanted to be with anyone else, even when I was fantasizing about hitting my hubby over the head with a frying pan. Even when things weren't clicking in the bedroom. The unique thing about marriage and commitment is that you work through those things or wait them out. Sticking through the ups and downs together deepens your relationship in a way you can't describe until you live it. You both made a commitment to only be with each other - for the rest of your lives. There is magic, meaning, and poetry in that. Committed relationships are like diamonds, pressure treated gems that come from nothing valuable, then valuable because they are rare.
Also, what defines an "alternative" lifestyle?0 -
Thank you for this. It's people like you that I have the utmost respect for.
Hee. Thank you!
Very kind of you to say 0 -
If i'm not good enough he's free to leave. Don't suggest such horse excrement to me is how i see it.
Open wha? I'd tear some stuff up my boo even thought he was going to suggest something like that.
So yeah in summary that sort of lifestyle is not for me.0 -
Whatever works for you. Make sure it's truly what you want before jumping in cause I don't think you can test the waters with swinging. I like a one to one relationship~ commitment, loyalty, friendship, teamwork with vision and a future together . Fortunately my husband feels the same.0
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You both made a commitment to only be with each other - for the rest of your lives.
How do you know what they committed to?0 -
Thank you for this. It's people like you that I have the utmost respect for.
Hee. Thank you! Very kind of you to say
What can I say? I'm an OPEN-minded person (who isn't in an open relationship). ; )0 -
Im in an open relationship. Its necessary for my sanity. I dont act on that, though.
Meaning, one man has my heart, but he doesnt have his thumb on me, especially cause its the kind of situation where you dont get to see each other very often. So I completely have the option to involve myself intimately elsewhere, I just dont want to. I can, but I dont.
This does not make sense at all !! You need the open relationship for your sanity but you are very happy in your relationship???
It does make sense. To me. And him. Theres no need to ????!!! at us. Im very happy, very very very very very very happy in an impossible situation that we cared enough to MAKE WORK.
Not everyone is handed a nice neat package thats convenient and gift wrapped and uncomplicated - sometimes you have to custom build a method that works for the both of you. You may not need to sleep with other people or be involved with other people, but knowing the outlet is there if your man isnt anywhere nearby to be there for you - whether its emotionally or sexually, etc. - can be a comfort, and it can help you feel a bit more stable. Especially if you are someone that hasnt been in a relationship for 10 years, like me, and is used to my independence on top of everything else.
Whats sad to me is that those that did find someone, fall in love, have an exclusive relationship, get engaged, get married... all their little ducks in a row the traditional way, because it was possible for them rear up their heads with all of this judgemental hatred and wag their fingers and their tongues at everyone that wasnt able to find love the easy way.
Its as though, finding love and happiness the traditional way- means that just because it was easier for you gives you the right to hate everyone that didnt find it easily.
I hope you all enjoy your high horses.
Not everyone was as lucky as you and I understand that gives you the right to be awful.
I am not trying to be awful.
All I’m saying is that if one really needs something for their own sanity to make a relationship work; that relationship is not worth the time. Especially an open relationship. Needing an open relationship to make that relationship work does not make sense (again, to me).
I am not lucky; I just took my time to end a lot of other packages that didn’t fit my needs. If somebody didn’t meet all my needs, that person wasn’t for me, as simple as that. No man is worth settling for. There’s thousands out there. I know relationships need work sometimes, but to me, too much work was an indicator of a ‘not a good match”0 -
It's worth it to her, end of story.All I’m saying is that if one really needs something for their own sanity to make a relationship work; that relationship is not worth the time. Especially an open relationship. Needing an open relationship to make that relationship work does not make sense (again, to me).0 -
Im in an open relationship. Its necessary for my sanity. I dont act on that, though.
Meaning, one man has my heart, but he doesnt have his thumb on me, especially cause its the kind of situation where you dont get to see each other very often. So I completely have the option to involve myself intimately elsewhere, I just dont want to. I can, but I dont.
This does not make sense at all !! You need the open relationship for your sanity but you are very happy in your relationship???
It does make sense. To me. And him. Theres no need to ????!!! at us. Im very happy, very very very very very very happy in an impossible situation that we cared enough to MAKE WORK.
Not everyone is handed a nice neat package thats convenient and gift wrapped and uncomplicated - sometimes you have to custom build a method that works for the both of you. You may not need to sleep with other people or be involved with other people, but knowing the outlet is there if your man isnt anywhere nearby to be there for you - whether its emotionally or sexually, etc. - can be a comfort, and it can help you feel a bit more stable. Especially if you are someone that hasnt been in a relationship for 10 years, like me, and is used to my independence on top of everything else.
Whats sad to me is that those that did find someone, fall in love, have an exclusive relationship, get engaged, get married... all their little ducks in a row the traditional way, because it was possible for them rear up their heads with all of this judgemental hatred and wag their fingers and their tongues at everyone that wasnt able to find love the easy way.
Its as though, finding love and happiness the traditional way- means that just because it was easier for you gives you the right to hate everyone that didnt find it easily.
I hope you all enjoy your high horses.
Not everyone was as lucky as you and I understand that gives you the right to be awful.
I am not trying to be awful.
All I’m saying is that if one really needs something for their own sanity to make a relationship work; that relationship is not worth the time. Especially an open relationship. Needing an open relationship to make that relationship work does not make sense (again, to me).
I am not lucky; I just took my time to end a lot of other packages that didn’t fit my needs. If somebody didn’t meet all my needs, that person wasn’t for me, as simple as that. No man is worth settling for. There’s thousands out there. I know relationships need work sometimes, but to me, too much work was an indicator of a ‘not a good match”
To me its worth it. Its worth sacrifice and compromise and if you want greatness and to be amazed, sometimes you just CANT do things traditionally.
and I wish that was enough for everyone not involved, cause its more than enough for me.0 -
Firstly, just NO. If I choose to raise my children to understand that people are different, relationships are different, and that it's their responsibility to live in a way that makes THEM happy, that's MY call...that's why I am the mom. But frankly, my kids have no clue, neither myself nor my husband "plays" at home, ever. My home life is perfectly stable, but thanks for assuming it's not.
We did not enter into an open relationship because we "weren't clicking in the bedroom". As a matter of fact, we click fabulously in the bedroom, and even after 10 years together are very frequently intimate with each other (in a sexual sense).
As for "You both made a commitment to only be with each other", I am curious to know how you know what me and my husband committed to, and what our vows were? You assume that everyone has the same views on fidelity as you do. To ME fidelity is something completely different, and just because MY definition and YOUR definition are different, that doesn't make me uncommitted, or uncaring.
Our relationship is extremely committed, very close and a lot of laughs. We sleep with other people, but we love on each other. My husband doesn't "cheat" on me...cheating means sneaking, and there is nothing sneaky here.
Basically, you are assuming that everyone is like you. What works for you in weight loss doesn't work for everyone...likewise, what works for your marriage doesn't work for everyone. You don't see me sitting here telling you that YOUR relationship is uncommitted just because you have a closed mind, so please don't assume mine is just because I can separate sex and love.0 -
I don't see the point of being in a relationship if you're gonna swing.
Swinging is a hobbie, just like camping, boating or any other activity that couples like to do together.
totally agree about swinging being a hobby for some people 0 -
If your married FORGET ABOUT IT!!! this works well with people who are just dating, but marriage is a different story0
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"If your married FORGET ABOUT IT!!! this works well with people who are just dating, but marriage is a different story"
Nonsense. I know several married couples who have been successfully in open relationships for year. It's not a flippant matter to go ahead with and couples who are properly committed to each other are doomed to failure trying something that needs as much trust and faith in each other as swinging or polyamory.0 -
I could never!! O.O0
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It's not for me, but if it works for you, go for it!
When I commit to a relationship, I do it 100% and REFUSE to bring another person into the mix. I expect the same level of commitment from my partner.
If I'm with a man who wants an open relationship, the door is OPEN and he can GTFO anytime he wants. To me: open relationship = cheating without consequences.0 -
I could never go there but to each his/her own. I could never be into somethin like that because I can't be sexual outside of a love relationship.
:noway: I couldn't do it. I know myself- I may be sexually attracted to someone else- physically- but I could never BE physically sexual with them unless I was in love. So with that said, I love my BF and that's that. But if it works for you, hey then it works for you.0 -
I'm in an open relationship. It's not easy and we only play with other people when things are good between us. During times of stress we give it a break in order to make sure we're totally there for each other in times of need.
It's not easy, but if you're of the right mindset for it it can be wonderfully rewarding and fun.0 -
Ruined one of my family members marriage of 20 plus years:(0
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When I commit to a relationship, I do it 100% and REFUSE to bring another person into the mix. I expect the same level of commitment from my partner.
If I'm with a man who wants an open relationship, the door is OPEN and he can GTFO anytime he wants. To me: open relationship = cheating without consequences.
Cheating implies deceit. The point with an open relationship is that you don't have deceit. All couples have boundaries, they are further out for open couples.0 -
I find nothing inherently destructive about open relationships of any sort. Not everyone can or wants to do it, and that's fine - different strokes for/by different folks. (haha! :laugh: )
I highly recommend reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino! She has tons of great information on all kinds of open relationships and practical suggestions for those who are considering it.0 -
Well for me personally I could not handle thinking of someone else touching my Husband the way I do!! I could not imagine him giving that sexy look he gives me to someone else! It would make me crumble and die! We discussed this at some point and I was all ok with the thought until I thought of someone else being with him! If you can handle that your man will look and touch another woman like he does to you with the care he has for you then by all means give it a go. But remember whatever you can do with someone else he can also do with someone else. That was the hardest part for me. I think we talked about it one time and that was it no more.0
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A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.0 -
A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.
Well said!!0 -
A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
*like*
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.0 -
It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.
Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.
In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.
To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.
You're coming off like a bit of a hypocrite.... no offense but you're mad people don't seem to think you can be committed doing it your way and you turn around and pretty much say they are less committed not doing it your way. Sooo they can't criticize your life choices but you can criticize theirs?
A wedding does not lessen commitment any more than it strengthens it let's be real here.
Not to mention just because you are married doesn't mean you even had a wedding.
I said that something seems a certain way to me, just like something else obviously seems a certain way to everyone else. This is not hypocrisy, its saying that I dont understand why only the traditional way is accepted, even if it doesnt work. I didnt say they were less committed than me, not in any way shape or form.
What I said was, it seems more beautiful to me.
I didnt say a wedding isnt a committment - i said that jokingly say ou kno longer have to date your man is sad. Ok I got married i win im done now i can go criticize everyone else - thats really sad to me.
Never said marriage wasnt commitment. Im sorry if it seemed that way. My parents have been madly in love and married for 34 years and still **** like rabbits, so I do not feel as though marriage doesnt work.
I just feel like... sometimes a situation needs something different and its unfair to say that just because its not marriage, doesnt mean its not good enough.
Well IMO discussions like this are bound to get heated because one persons idea of what commitment and/or marriage are supposed to be are so different from the next ones.
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.0 -
Can I just say NO, NO, and NO! There's no way in hell and I am so thankful that my husband feels the same way (then again, if he didn't, we wouldn't be married) If we felt the need to sleep around with other people, we would never have gotten married in the first place. I'm not saying it couldn't work for other people but I do wish you an enormous GOOD LUCK!0
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I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.
Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.0
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