Why are people on these forums so mean?

Aleluya17

At one point and time everyone get insulted, called out or blasted on the forums, half the time for something stupid. The block button is a wonderful tool.

opuntia

Another factor - and it's something that I've probably seen more on my own dating forum than on here - is when it's pretty clear that someone's problem is beyond the grasp of a forum, whether it's a suspected eating disorder on here, or cases of depression or abuse on my site, the second you suggest to someone that the need professional help, you're accused of being mean, calling them crazy, not being helpful, etc.

Ah, I actually meant saying it to people who are open about their eating disorder. Quite a lot of people here state that they have one - so to suggest to them that you're not qualified to help someone with an eating disorder shouldn't be offensive. Of course it's in the wording too - saying 'You need professional help' is often used as an insult to people, so probably not the best wording!

As for saying anything about professional help to someone who hasn't disclosed an eating disorder, you're on very dodgy ground here. No one can make an online diagnosis. Sometimes you may be right, but sometimes you will be wrong. You never have all the facts. Telling someone online that they have an eating disorder is irresponsible - it's potentially harmful if the person doesn't have one. Asking people subtle and respectful questions to try to work out what's going on is one thing, but just telling them they have an eating disorder and need professional help is inappropriate. There can be many many reasons for people's dietary intake, as well as their size. As we see from the forums here, a lot of people who've lost weight in a healthy way are being asked if they are anorexic by friends and colleagues, and they find it rude and inappropriate.

Besides, there are different types of eating disorders - it's not necessarily anything to do with a person's size or dietary intake. There are different unhealthy obsessions a person can have with food - even if they are eating what seems to you like a healthy number of calories. Sometimes when people get very strident and persistent about everyone having to eat a certain number of calories every day, or everyone having to do things in a very particular way or else doom will befall them, I wonder if that is a sort of obsessive eating disorder. As I said earlier, there are links between eating disorders and autism - and the obsession, repetition, and rigidity is something I immediately recognise.

PS2CR

Lol - yes, I am aware of the differences between mental illnesses and neurological disorders. I think even pointed out that they were different. And of course all analogies break down eventually. However, I still think you are being overly simplistic, and the analogy is more pertinent than you think. And even if I hadn't made the analogy, the points I made about mental illness hold true. And incidentally, I also speak from professional background/degree and family experience.

I did get from your post that you understood the difference between the two. I was only referencing that in my opinion, the person with an ED (mental illness) has far more control over her outcome and health than the person who has a neurological difference.

Perhaps in your professional studies (or even out of personal interest) you have read the research on the genetic similarities between anorexia and the autism spectrum. Well, as you see yourself, you have both in your own family. As do I. That is a common occurrence. There is a theory that anorexia is the female version of Aspergers, although that doesn't really work with me, as I'm a female with Aspergers and not anorexia. But perhaps in general, the genetic neurological difference is more likely to manifest as an ED in a female.

Yes, I've read some, though the studies I've looked at haven't done much more than speculate about connections between these. And there are some observable similarities (obsessional thinking, security in repetition and dislike of change)...but speaking personally, I'd have to say only in the food aspect of my illness did I like sameness and repetition and the false sense of security it gave me. In all other aspects of my life, I'm notably resistant (even averse) to 'sameness.' It seems an emotional illness (usually temporary) does not characterize a person as much as their neurological wiring might.

But anyway, an eating disorder isn't wholly curable - it's also a permanent difference in brain wiring. It's not simply a passive and perfectionist personality, any more than Aspergers is simply an eccentric and perfectionist personality. What defines a mental illness and distinguishes it from a neurological disorder is not that it is curable. Someone with an eating disorder can learn to control the behaviour - as can someone on the autism spectrum - but the neurological difference, and the vulnerability, is still there.

And here, I think I'd disagree. Eating disorders can be notoriously hard to cure, but I think a person can recover from one. It's a vulnerability issue that has to do with genetic predispositions coupled with the necessary triggers rather than hard-wiring. Some who recover may relapse later in life for a time if environmental/emotional/hormonal events trigger that vulnerability--but they aren't destined (hard-wired) to have to think that way about food all their life or even battle it all their life. Latest research also suggests that many people (esp. women) might have the genetic vulnerability but never end up having an eating disorder. You can't say the same with a disorder that is due to neurological wiring. Someone neurologically wired with Asperger's does not have to have a life trigger to bring it on. An Aspergian learns life strategies to cope with living life as an Aspergian in a world wired differently. An ED person learns strategies in counseling to get them to start to change their behaviors, which in turn will change their emotional thinking about food. That change CAN be permanent.

Of course there are differences, and of course I know them - but It is in fact possible to tell me that I have a problem and I need to learn to fix it, with regard to certain autistic difficulties - I've been told that many times in the past, and in many cases, the people were right. There were behaviours which were unhelpful to me and I needed to fix. And like someone with anorexia, I could learn strategies to fix them. But when I was overwhelmed (which happens in the autism spectrum, as with eating disorders) my mind couldn't conceive of fixing anything. Actually, having Aspergers is a bit easier than having an ED, in that my perception is clear and logical - I don't get delusions, I don't get depression, I don't get distorted perception. So from that angle, it's a lot easier for me to recognise I need help than it is for someone with an eating disorder.

Sure, you can fix certain behaviors and learn strategies to cope with those around you who aren't Aspergian. But if you're like my child, you can't choose strategies to help you 'recover' from your disorder. Anorexics can also learn helpful strategies--they choose either 'coping' ones that help them be better anorexics in a non-anorexic world (hiding food, hiding under baggy clothing), or they can choose to get counseling to learn to actually change the way they think, so that they can recover from their illness. It may take a while and be a gradual change back to normal, but normal is indeed possible.

The only way to truly help an ED person is to make sure they still have their hands on the reins. You DON'T help that person by talking to them like a small child, 'there, there, honey'...or speaking fluffy-talk to them. You speak to them directly about what THEY are doing, and ask to consider if that is the choice THEY are wanting to make, to be responsible for.

I don't think I said anything about talking to people with EDs like small children, did I? That would never occur to me as a solution, any more than it's a solution for people on the autism spectrum. ...
Anyway, as I said, I'm not recommending people should talk to people with EDs as if they are children. And I don't think I suggested that it's wrong to enable them to understand their own control over their environment (although of course that is not the same as blaming them and declaring that anorexia is a life choice).

Oh, no. This part of my post was not directed at you. In fact most of my post wasn't; only the part where I mentioned your name was specifically a response to you.

My main point was that I don't think it's helpful in the slightest for people in the forums to go round saying that people with EDs are dangerous people to be avoided, that they are wilfully choosing to kill themselves, and creating harmful propaganda for others to join them in their death wish, and that if people don't speak up, MFP will soon become a den of mass suicides! (Okay, I exaggerate a little, but really, this is the tone of a lot of the posts I see!). I don't believe that this will help people with EDs learn to understand with healthy perception their own ability to exert control over their lives. If eventually they do get help, such comments are likely to enforce the self-blame they are liable to, and cause them to continue the cycle of blaming others with EDs.

I think ED people are only 'dangerous' in the sense of encouraging other disordered folks like themselves, or triggering susceptible people in recovery (and being dangerous to themselves, perhaps). That's not the same as slamming them. It's just like saying my drinking in front of my recovering alcoholic friend is dangerous to her. Drinking doesn't make me a bad person--but my activity around her would be a bad thing, and it'd be insensitive of me not to make allowance for her weakness and respect her need to distance herself from that habit.

I don't 'blame' ED people for having or succumbing to one, either. But key to recovery is gaining a sense of self, and with that a sense of autonomy--not just over her body, but over the choices she makes. If she believes she has no autonomy or choices in her life, she'll keep rebelling with increased autonomy expressed over her body. All the while passively waiting for someone else to rescue her, to make that autonomous choice for her. It's a vicious cycle that keeps her a dependent child, but one who is also rebelling against that on another level.

aubreykkkk

"it's not your place to tell them things that they already tell themselves everyday"
im sorry girl but this is not your place either, kinda hypocritical if you ask me. just because you don't like what other people are saying, dosnt mean you can still post hate about them. be the change you want to see in the world.

lmao.

i tell myself two things when i encounter hateful people.
1. karma. karma. karma
2. if their highlight of their day is bringing me down, their life sucks. so jokes on them.

i work at a high stress high complaint job. when someones really rippin into me, i just make the sillyest surprised look i can. hold that face to get a reaction. then i just say "i can see through you!... see your true colors." that usually makes them leave. works a lot better then punching them in the face and getting fired.

Sorry! I think you just misunderstood what I meant when that was said. What I did mean is that some people are extremely self-conscience of themselves, and they don't need more negative comments. I should have worded that better.

KittieLea

I think people need to develop a thicker skin and quit getting so butt hurt over what total strangers say in an on-line forum.

Francesca3162

people get cranky when theyre hungry

^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

aubreykkkk

I love how some people on this forum proved my points.
I mean seriously? Hating me and calling me stupid because someone might have posted this question before? Please!

yokurio

people get cranky when theyre hungry

That is probably the funniest thing i've read in weeks. ;-)

trudance4

I can see what you mean, some people dont come across the best and some of them even seem like jonny-know-it-alls! its not a nice look and it has put me off the forums at times because of people like that, i need help, advice or to learn something and some people are just harsh x

ZoeLifts

This topic is posted daily. This might add to the general exasperation of some people. Not me, I'm in it for the drama. Unfortunately I don't have time to read all of this right now so I'm hoping this thread will still be around later when I take a break just so I can see everyone wine or post the same thing over and over because they haven't read the rest of the thread. Admittedly, I am now guilty of this as well, but I'm pretty sure I don't care because I am not just on here to offer up soft condolences, I'm here for the entertainment. Carry on...

yoovie

Most people struggling with their weight on this site want other people to motivate them instead of teaching themselves how to harness and properly use their motivation, so when it quits working, or when what they THINK motivates them, doesnt - they get really angry and run around lashing out at successful people because they perceive situations in which they are not open to constructive criticism to be attacks- so they go on the defense and target others who are trying to help people.

Its probably natural.

love22step

Maybe I have a high threshold for meanness, but I see a lot more threads complaining about mean people than I see mean people.

I've noticed this, too. There are so many great people on MFP!

tsgaddy

IMO they are probably are just regurgitating the hurtful things that were done to them as teens/children. I don't get upset with them, I just feel incredibly sorry for them.

marisablakley

IMO they are probably are just regurgitating the hurtful things that were done to them as teens/children. I don't get upset with them, I just feel incredibly sorry for them.

i like you...and i think you may be right. i am totally not going to let myself say all the things that i really want to say because then i would be a hypocrite. but i am going to say that reading certain threads in this forum have caused me to go to bed feeling
down. But like a dog to its vomit i keep coming back for more.

kimmianne89

Because "lose" and "loose" can drive you crazy...:laugh:

:laugh:

shaunap3

People get so defensive over things they feel strongly about. Just shrug them off. It's unfortunate that they're on this site. I just joined and am only realizing tonight that I can interact with other people. My friend got me to join but I never understood how you met people outside of people you already knew. heh

ShreddedTweet

This forum is TAME compared to some forums and I mean for God's sake there are happy-clappy people and more cynical people everywhere, that's life!!! We're not living on Walton's Mountain here....

JosephVitte

I am not being mean..honest. But at least once...sometimes more...times a day, someone starts a thread with the same complaint. Its part of the wonderful world of the internet. All you can do is ignore the negative and spread the positive.

I think this is a good way to spread the positive, by reminding people. Just because this is the internet doesn't mean we can't be respectful. If nothing else, it might show more character, because it might reflex who you really are, outside the internet. I think people act a little bigger, meaner, and more bad *kitten* when there sitting in front of there computers than they are on there literal walk through life. I think that people who think or see a forum posting like this, and see it daily, should ignore the posting, rather than comment on how they see them so often. I'm very new to MFP, so I'm not sure if there is a lot of mean stuff going on here. Either way, I appreciated the posting.

JosephVitte

I love how some people on this forum proved my points.
I mean seriously? Hating me and calling me stupid because someone might have posted this question before? Please!

I've been on here less than a week. Is this the "healthy" version of Myspace/Facebook? I never joined Facebook because everyone told me "it's more mature, there's no little kids on there like Myspace".........well guess what...........there not on Myspace anymore! LOL

jesz124

IMO they are probably are just regurgitating the hurtful things that were done to them as teens/children. I don't get upset with them, I just feel incredibly sorry for them.

i like you...and i think you may be right. i am totally not going to let myself say all the things that i really want to say because then i would be a hypocrite. but i am going to say that reading certain threads in this forum have caused me to go to bed feeling
down. But like a dog to its vomit i keep coming back for more.

Did you actually do a thread search on the topic of people being mean?? lol. This thread was started back in July!