Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

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  • MichelleLaree13
    MichelleLaree13 Posts: 865 Member
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    Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

    Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

    I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

    I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

    Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

    *Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

    Totally agree. In a 20 year marriage, you should be able to say anything (nicely).
  • mamagooskie
    mamagooskie Posts: 2,964 Member
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    nope
  • mommymovingmountains
    mommymovingmountains Posts: 192 Member
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    I think doing the triathalon is a great idea!
  • jaireed
    jaireed Posts: 333 Member
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    The best way to do this is by setting a good example. Take on the responsibility of making healthy meals and eating and working out like you want her to. Its hard. I had gained 30lbs after I got married because I ate like my husband. Its hard to eat healthy when your husband can eat anything he wants and she's left eating chicken and broccoli. Plus my guess is that she already knows. You can't walk around thinking this and feeling this way toward her without her knowing. She might feel it and it might just depress her.

    My hubby finally said "Youd better not get fat; it's in the prenump." (We dont have a prenump) It hurt my feelings, but I lost the weight. I still get mad at him for him saying anything because it was a **** move. Its not a kind or supportive thing to say. If you decide to tell her you'd better be ready, because now that you've opened your big fat mouth she'll open hers and lets hope she still thinks you're still the gem that she married.
  • PaleoRDH
    PaleoRDH Posts: 266
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    OMG I actually totally admire you for that post. It shows you care about your wife very much, otherwise you'd already be hurling the insults at her. You know, only you know your wife well enough to answer your own question. Personally I'm not so sensitive about my weight that my husband couldn't talk to me about this. And I own a mirror, so to tell me something like you're saying wouldn't be a shock, I'd already know, and depending on how it's said, I don't think it'd hurt my feelings. But I'm not the typical woman, I don't even like to cuddle (LOL!). So it really just depends on how sensitive she is. HOWEVER I think if it really bothers you enough that you brought it up here seeking advice, you need to find a way to communicate this with her, what's a marriage without an open forum? But someone on here also said that she is going to want to make changes for herself, not for you, and you don't want her at the gym everyday working out to the thought of how much she hates your friggin guts for how much you just hurt her. You are between a rock and a hard place my friend. Personally I'd really want to know if my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore and I'd want to change that........... but that's just me.
  • TerrieBNLWECHANGED
    TerrieBNLWECHANGED Posts: 27
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    I am absolutely sure you are perfect in every way.
  • supergirl6
    supergirl6 Posts: 224 Member
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    I think it depends on your relationship. My husband and I communicate really well and have talked a lot about our weights and our health and we're pretty open about it. When he was diagnosed with diabetes a year and a half ago, he told me he wanted me to start being healthier too so we weren't both sick. We were straight with each other and we talked about true things - health, fitness, sickness, fear, concern. We did not talk about wishing the other was more attractive because that had nothing to do with it. I would have been more upset with my husband had he kept these concerns to himself and not said anything to me because he was afraid he might hurt my feelings. But that's the kind of relationship we have. I wouldn't make him sleep on the couch for talking to me about needing to get my health under control.

    So we started eating together and working out together and we split the chores more evenly. I cook the healthy meals and he cleans up after them. We grocery shop together and talk about what we're going to eat together. He doesn't like to run, but he's come to both of my 5Ks to cheer me on and take pictures and he stands right at the finish line to hug me when I come running in all sweaty and gross.

    I personally think you should be honest and talk to her about your concerns. Don't put her down or make her feel bad, but it sounds like you don't want to do that anyway. She might be hurt, but tell her the truth and that it would be a lot easier and more fulfilling if you two did the food and workouts together. Share the chore load. Make eating healthy an easy family affair. Get the kids involved. Don't make it all about her and what she's not doing right - make it about all of you.
  • eddysuchydvm
    eddysuchydvm Posts: 110 Member
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    Nope.

    My husband made a comment about my arms (super self-conscious about them because they are easter-european, farmer arms) and how maybe a certain cut isn't flattering......Yeah, haven't forgotten that. Won't wear sleeveless shirts. Won't expose my arms. That was 10 years ago.
  • pamperedlinny
    pamperedlinny Posts: 1,565 Member
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    Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

    ^^^ This! My hubby and I walk together a lot and mostly because one or the other of us will do this. We talk while we power walk and generally egg each other on. But when we first starting walking it was because he did this. Now he's a lot lighter and so am I. And we talk more than ever before.
  • waronmyfat
    waronmyfat Posts: 322 Member
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    look no matter how you put it your gunna sound like a jerk... but to avoid all hell and wrath from your wife and having her resent and hate you for telling her "I think your *kitten* is as wide as a buttco buss and want you to lose it" why dont you say to her how bout we both start looking at changing our diets and exercise together and start a fresh new outlook on life for health reasons... you can encourage her to do so and by your doing it as well you'll feel better health wise...
  • uncooth
    uncooth Posts: 1 Member
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    Most of the comments I read are about you subtly encouraging her to work out. I don't think her fitness is the problem, (you said she's pretty fit). If I were you I would consider making dietary changes, because thats probably how she put on the weight not lack of excercise (you know the quote- abs are created 90% in the kitchen, 10% in the gym). Be like, "hey I've been thinking about cutting out soda/junk food/ going vegan/ eating more vegtables because I realize I'm getting older and want to stay healthy, would you want to do it with me?" You said you think she might have gained weight from being around a man who eats 2500 calories a day, why not influence her this way again. Also, try cooking healthy meals for the two of you.
    My dad did this with my mom, and it worked pretty well
  • HoneyBadgerPress
    HoneyBadgerPress Posts: 10
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    Yes, say it with actions and not words. Stop eating 2500 calories a day. Start making different food choices when out with her, stop eating high calorie snacks around her and take your beautiful wife to do some active things. She'll likely to appreciate that you are trying so very hard to look fit and muscular for her. And because she is appreciative and loves you- she will be inclined to buy and cook less fatty foods and encourage you to exercise more by her exercising more. See? You win. She wins. And you get to live! Yeah!
  • ScorpionReaver
    ScorpionReaver Posts: 56
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    Yes, say it with actions and not words. Stop eating 2500 calories a day. Start making different food choices when out with her, stop eating high calorie snacks around her and take your beautiful wife to do some active things. She'll likely to appreciate that you are trying so very hard to look fit and muscular for her. And because she is appreciative and loves you- she will be inclined to buy and cook less fatty foods and encourage you to exercise more by her exercising more. See? You win. She wins. And you get to live! Yeah!
    Well played! :)
  • half_moon
    half_moon Posts: 807 Member
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    Wait.. she exercises 4 - 5 times a week and wants to train for a triathlon.. Yet you think that she has no motivation to lose the weight?

    I must be exhausted, because that makes NO sense to me.
  • kaseysospacey
    kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
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    Wait.. she exercises 4 - 5 times a week and wants to train for a triathlon.. Yet you think that she has no motivation to lose the weight?

    I must be exhausted, because that makes NO sense to me.

    I agree. Sometimes in middle age there is weight that really wants to stick around.
  • redscylla
    redscylla Posts: 211 Member
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    Seriously.
    Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

    ^^^^^^ True story. My husband made a very calm, and even scientifically backed up observation about my weight in a very circumspect way nearly five years ago and I have never forgotten it. It made me self conscious in some weird ways afterwards and I am just now moving past it.

    Do not do it.

    She knows her butt is big. I promise you. You don't have to say anything. :)

    Bingo. I never really got over my ex-husband's attempts to motivate me into losing the weight I gained after we got married. The only person who can motivate your wife is her. You can contribute to a conducive environment by going what HoneyBadger suggests, but if you open your mouth, you will likely regret it, and so will she.
  • PaleoPath4Lyfe
    PaleoPath4Lyfe Posts: 3,161 Member
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    It takes a certain type of woman to not take any comments of that type as a personal attack and get all weird and defensive about it, and probably hold it over your head forever, and of that type I've met exactly 1 and she thought more like a man than any woman normally does...just saying from observational experience.

    It does and I see from reading these comments that this site is full of OVERLY SENSITIVE Women.

    Don't tell your husband to be HONEST with you when you really DON'T mean it.

    My husband and I tell each other when one of us stink, gained weight, etc.
  • onyxgirl17
    onyxgirl17 Posts: 1,721 Member
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    my two cents.

    My dad really didn't want to be a jerk so tried not to really say anything about her weight except for her health. She died of diabetes at age 49 because she refused to believe she could lose any weight and would just gorge and gorge.

    Could it have been prevented? yes.
    Could my dad have done anything without being called a jerk? no.


    So would it be better for her to be unhappy or dead? I don't know.

    Every dynamic is different. But if you feel it's for her health, she needs to see a health professional and have them say something. You saying anything will pretty much just hurt her feelings.
  • Moniqua1
    Moniqua1 Posts: 195 Member
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    Yes, there is definitely a way!! Make it about "bonding" and having more things in common and that it's something you love to do and that you want the person you love most to share it with. Crap like that. Chicks dig the emotional type connections. NEVER make.it become about her appearance!
  • fairestthings
    fairestthings Posts: 335 Member
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    Adding my two cents...

    Yes. There is. Maybe.

    Depends on your marriage. If you say it during a fight? No, but I think you know that. The fact that you're even asking means, to me, that you two have a respect for one another and know not to just blurt anything that pops in your mind. Being open, honest and having good communication doesn't mean your marriage consists of two people being jerks!

    The best way to handle it though, would be by invitation as everyone else said. Invite her with you to do cardio, go to the gym, take walks after every meal. If she cooks unhealthily, then maybe offer to cook more frequently so that she can get a break AND you can make sure the meals are healthier. Win-win if you ask me.

    I'll just tell you this: I had a baby in 2009, gained 25lbs (enough for a big change in my short stature) and hubby bought a treadmill, he used it, he worked out, he invited me to work out with him when he came home and he kind of just KINDLY took charge. He would come home from work and tell me before dinner he wanted me to work out with him. It was either I sit and watch (and feel like an idiot) or join him.

    Even though i fell by the wayside af ew times, his consistency and example have proven beneficial to me now 18lbs down from my SW. Now he motivates me not to just run like before, but now i'm trying to run WITH him :)

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