Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?
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Most of the comments I read are about you subtly encouraging her to work out. I don't think her fitness is the problem, (you said she's pretty fit). If I were you I would consider making dietary changes, because thats probably how she put on the weight not lack of excercise (you know the quote- abs are created 90% in the kitchen, 10% in the gym). Be like, "hey I've been thinking about cutting out soda/junk food/ going vegan/ eating more vegtables because I realize I'm getting older and want to stay healthy, would you want to do it with me?" You said you think she might have gained weight from being around a man who eats 2500 calories a day, why not influence her this way again. Also, try cooking healthy meals for the two of you.
My dad did this with my mom, and it worked pretty well0 -
Yes, say it with actions and not words. Stop eating 2500 calories a day. Start making different food choices when out with her, stop eating high calorie snacks around her and take your beautiful wife to do some active things. She'll likely to appreciate that you are trying so very hard to look fit and muscular for her. And because she is appreciative and loves you- she will be inclined to buy and cook less fatty foods and encourage you to exercise more by her exercising more. See? You win. She wins. And you get to live! Yeah!0
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Well played!Yes, say it with actions and not words. Stop eating 2500 calories a day. Start making different food choices when out with her, stop eating high calorie snacks around her and take your beautiful wife to do some active things. She'll likely to appreciate that you are trying so very hard to look fit and muscular for her. And because she is appreciative and loves you- she will be inclined to buy and cook less fatty foods and encourage you to exercise more by her exercising more. See? You win. She wins. And you get to live! Yeah!
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Wait.. she exercises 4 - 5 times a week and wants to train for a triathlon.. Yet you think that she has no motivation to lose the weight?
I must be exhausted, because that makes NO sense to me.0 -
Wait.. she exercises 4 - 5 times a week and wants to train for a triathlon.. Yet you think that she has no motivation to lose the weight?
I must be exhausted, because that makes NO sense to me.
I agree. Sometimes in middle age there is weight that really wants to stick around.0 -
Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.
^^^^^^ True story. My husband made a very calm, and even scientifically backed up observation about my weight in a very circumspect way nearly five years ago and I have never forgotten it. It made me self conscious in some weird ways afterwards and I am just now moving past it.
Do not do it.
She knows her butt is big. I promise you. You don't have to say anything.
Bingo. I never really got over my ex-husband's attempts to motivate me into losing the weight I gained after we got married. The only person who can motivate your wife is her. You can contribute to a conducive environment by going what HoneyBadger suggests, but if you open your mouth, you will likely regret it, and so will she.0 -
It takes a certain type of woman to not take any comments of that type as a personal attack and get all weird and defensive about it, and probably hold it over your head forever, and of that type I've met exactly 1 and she thought more like a man than any woman normally does...just saying from observational experience.
It does and I see from reading these comments that this site is full of OVERLY SENSITIVE Women.
Don't tell your husband to be HONEST with you when you really DON'T mean it.
My husband and I tell each other when one of us stink, gained weight, etc.0 -
my two cents.
My dad really didn't want to be a jerk so tried not to really say anything about her weight except for her health. She died of diabetes at age 49 because she refused to believe she could lose any weight and would just gorge and gorge.
Could it have been prevented? yes.
Could my dad have done anything without being called a jerk? no.
So would it be better for her to be unhappy or dead? I don't know.
Every dynamic is different. But if you feel it's for her health, she needs to see a health professional and have them say something. You saying anything will pretty much just hurt her feelings.0 -
Yes, there is definitely a way!! Make it about "bonding" and having more things in common and that it's something you love to do and that you want the person you love most to share it with. Crap like that. Chicks dig the emotional type connections. NEVER make.it become about her appearance!0
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Adding my two cents...
Yes. There is. Maybe.
Depends on your marriage. If you say it during a fight? No, but I think you know that. The fact that you're even asking means, to me, that you two have a respect for one another and know not to just blurt anything that pops in your mind. Being open, honest and having good communication doesn't mean your marriage consists of two people being jerks!
The best way to handle it though, would be by invitation as everyone else said. Invite her with you to do cardio, go to the gym, take walks after every meal. If she cooks unhealthily, then maybe offer to cook more frequently so that she can get a break AND you can make sure the meals are healthier. Win-win if you ask me.
I'll just tell you this: I had a baby in 2009, gained 25lbs (enough for a big change in my short stature) and hubby bought a treadmill, he used it, he worked out, he invited me to work out with him when he came home and he kind of just KINDLY took charge. He would come home from work and tell me before dinner he wanted me to work out with him. It was either I sit and watch (and feel like an idiot) or join him.
Even though i fell by the wayside af ew times, his consistency and example have proven beneficial to me now 18lbs down from my SW. Now he motivates me not to just run like before, but now i'm trying to run WITH him 0 -
Not only is the answer NO!, but, in reality she needs you to be her #1 fan no matter what. What could you possibly say that she doesn't already know? Seriously. We KNOW!! And if you tell her anything other than positive things about her and her body (don't lie, but don't point out the negative) she will hear that EVERY time you see her -- especially every time you see her naked. That is if she will EVER let you see her naked again after that. She is her most vulnerable with you. Don't ever give her reason not to trust you. It will affect everything for her. From her own self-esteem to your sex life. And ultimately, in trying to deal with your comments it may take even longer for her to lose weight.
It's been 24 years and I've never stopped hearing what my husband said ever so helpfully.0 -
I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
There are a *bunch* of responses to your post, and someone probably already pointed it out, but this (your quote) is *definitely* what you should focus on - with that training, she'll get closer to where you'd hope she'd be.
Good luck and thank you for counting your blessings! 0 -
Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.
Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??
I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol
I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.
Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.
*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..
Totally agree. In a 20 year marriage, you should be able to say anything (nicely).
Sure. You can say it. Just be prepared for the consequences.0 -
Good luck.0
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I wouldn't say anything. She already knows so she doesn't need to have it pointed out no matter how well meaning you are. My husband once told me that he was bothered by my weight and that really affected me but didn't motivate me. I only lost weight when I was ready. Ironically he's gained what I've lost and the tables are turned.
I thought your post was great though. You can tell how much you love your wife.0 -
:glasses: Curious what the OP decided to do?...0
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I get so sick of men (and yes, women too) putting unrealistic standards of what the perceive to be "attractive" on their spouses and partners. Also, if you lose weight for someone else, and NOT yourself, you'll resent the people you are losing weight for.
This is a really old thread... I found it while searching for something else...here's what I would say if someone asked me:
I can't believe after a couple pages of this that this is the first post which even remotely comes CLOSE to acknowledging that nothing about this woman's situation sounds abnormal. She's middle age. She has a little more fat on her butt, thighs, and a little belly pooch. She works out 4-5 times a week.
This is not gross "letting herself go." But her husband is upset because he's comparing her to some hotties who are totally flat (a standard that some of us at normal weight couldn't even attain in our teens)? Stop looking at other women and be thankful yours is at least normal instead of obese.
And if it really bothers you, then find a way to talk to her about it in private before you burst and say it too mean. Don't do like someone I know whose husband got so frustrated he blurted out in front of a bunch of their mutual friends, "Stop buying new cloths and just lose weight to get into the ones you already have."
Just be prepared to (depending on her psyche) deal with low self esteem and insecurity for years. Be prepared for pitch black "bedroom time" because if your relationship is "not open" enough that you have to come online and ask what you should do, then you already know that your wife is sensitive about this. More than likely, this comment will have her constantly thinking she's not good enough in your eyes.0 -
Hi guys,
My name is Kim and I work at the Dr Phil Show, We are doing a show on spouses and their transformations. If you believe you look great and worked your butt off but your significant other is yet to be on par with you. Please write me a message, I would love to get you in contact with our producer to review your story further.
Happy Fitness to all!
Kim0 -
Hi guys,
My name is Kim and I work at the Dr Phil Show, We are doing a show on spouses and their transformations. If you believe you look great and worked your butt off but your significant other is yet to be on par with you. Please write me a message, I would love to get you in contact with our producer to review your story further.
Happy Fitness to all!
Kim
o.O Seriously? He must be hurting for guests... if this is true....0 -
Most women and some guys will find this offensive, but most guys want their wives to be slim. Most guys will be okay when their wives or girlfriends gain a few pounds, but there is a threshold. This will vary from guy to guy. Women will say, "He should just love me for who I am." Okay, I love you for who you are, but when you become obese I cannot love you because you do not respect yourself or your life. By becoming obese you are putting your health in danger. You are stigmatizing yourself, etc. etc. From my perspective, you embarrass me in public, you have disappointed me, you are no longer sexy to me.) Have some empathy for me (how do you think it makes me feel to come home to a fat wife; to have to live with someone who does not respect herself; to a wife I do not want to be seen in public with; who looks like she is pregnant; you have trapped me because I have children with you and I can't divorce you because of the impact on the children.) This creates anger and resentment. No? I would like to hear honest answers from men, not from the guy who has a wife with a few extra pounds, but from the guys who married a woman who has become obese.0
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Most women and some guys will find this offensive, but most guys want their wives to be slim. Most guys will be okay when their wives or girlfriends gain a few pounds, but there is a threshold. This will vary from guy to guy. Women will say, "He should just love me for who I am." Okay, I love you for who you are, but when you become obese I cannot love you because you do not respect yourself or your life. By becoming obese you are putting your health in danger. You are stigmatizing yourself, etc. etc. From my perspective, you embarrass me in public, you have disappointed me, you are no longer sexy to me.) Have some empathy for me (how do you think it makes me feel to come home to a fat wife; to have to live with someone who does not respect herself; to a wife I do not want to be seen in public with; who looks like she is pregnant; you have trapped me because I have children with you and I can't divorce you because of the impact on the children.) This creates anger and resentment. No? I would like to hear honest answers from men, not from the guy who has a wife with a few extra pounds, but from the guys who married a woman who has become obese.
:noway: :noway: :noway:0 -
I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
That's it.0 -
Honestly, looking back, I really wish my significant other had said something before I got to the point I am. I was totally blind to it, and now I'm paying the price for everyone tiptoeing around the subject.
There *are* nice, subtle ways of telling her. But really, if you guys can't be completely, 100% open and honest about every aspect of your life, then that's something else you need to work on. Not just the physical, but the emotional as well.
I know I don't look like a model, but I have complete and utter confidence that my significant other loves me and is attracted to me, no matter what I look like. He can tell me what zones I need to work on next, or pressure me to workout when I'm feeling lazy, and I can point out when his belly is getting a little big, and it's no big deal. No feelings are hurt, no self esteem is ruined.0 -
I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
I think your wife just started another thread about how wonderful you are and how she knows she's lucky, and she doesn't want to hurt you, but there are just these one or two spots where you don't look quite as good as you did 20 years ago, and is there any way she can bring that up without being a jerk. She says she's tried dropping hints about training for a triathlon together, but you don't seem to want to focus on that....0 -
I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
That's it.
agreed0 -
The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
If she is already that active, you sound a bit contradictory. Like you have already said, you folks are in a different season in your lives. If she has talked about training for a triathlon - you are on the right track. Focus on doing that together. Focus on developing a healthy nutritional plan and training regimen and let things develop as they will. Offer to do the cooking a few nights a week where you can try fit and healthy recipes together. Be the model of good health and if you are doing this together, it will happen on its own. No sense stating the obvious and making her mad or self-conscious ... Maybe suggest meeting with a trainer and actually empower her to establish HER own individual fitness goals as a part of your training plan. With Christmas around the corner, maybe build in gift ideas that support this commitment to good health. Invite her to join you in exercise outings that will help her accomplish those goals (spin class, HIIT sessions, etc.) The physical changes will happen as she increases the intensity of her training program. Other than that, cut her some slack, appreciate what you have, and tell her how much you love her!!!0 -
As a woman who has been married for 26 years, let me give you a bit of advice: don't tell her anything except that you love her and find her sexy as he!!. But feel free to suggest things nicely like "I'd love to not only do this marathon, but do it with you. How about we train together?" or "let's go for a walk after dinner".
Pretty much, this! /\ Things that have kept me motivated to keep going was that my hubby keeps telling me that he has always liked how I looked-but expresses how much he appreciates that I am working towards getting back into the shape I was in when he married me almost 28 years ago (one pound away!) and makes the appropriate remarks about what precisely he is appreciating at that moment... It helps me (as one who is not a big fan of exercising) to get up early each morning and spend time exercising and make that investment in my marriage (and myself!)
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Most women and some guys will find this offensive, but most guys want their wives to be slim. Most guys will be okay when their wives or girlfriends gain a few pounds, but there is a threshold. This will vary from guy to guy. Women will say, "He should just love me for who I am." Okay, I love you for who you are, but when you become obese I cannot love you because you do not respect yourself or your life. By becoming obese you are putting your health in danger. You are stigmatizing yourself, etc. etc. From my perspective, you embarrass me in public, you have disappointed me, you are no longer sexy to me.) Have some empathy for me (how do you think it makes me feel to come home to a fat wife; to have to live with someone who does not respect herself; to a wife I do not want to be seen in public with; who looks like she is pregnant; you have trapped me because I have children with you and I can't divorce you because of the impact on the children.) This creates anger and resentment. No? I would like to hear honest answers from men, not from the guy who has a wife with a few extra pounds, but from the guys who married a woman who has become obese.
I'm also interested in hearing those responses! (Guys, you may want to sign up for a fake MFP account to do this!)
When I was growing up as the only daughter of a woman of the 40s and 50s (who I might add kept herself impeccably) my dear mum used to say "Don't ever let yourself go. It is easier for a woman to have a husband who is a bit heavier than it is for a man to have a heavy wife." My dear mum has been gone for years-but I still hear that advice in my head, and as she was married for 40+ years to a man who appreciated her self-control and respect for herself, I think she may have been on to something.
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Be a team in everything to do with fitness, being healthy eating, exercise support or whatever. I was in the exact same situation you were at one time until my wife and I ended up having it out and all the truths came out about how we use to be a team and now it was more like... At each others throats. When all the dust settled we were on a new path as a team once again.I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.0 -
My boyfriend went about it in a really great way - he bought me a bike so I could ride with him! I didn't know this was his agenda at the time, but now I figure he was hinting that I needed to lose weight. I am so grateful!0
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