Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

misteranonymous

Is there any possible way for a husband to communicate to his wife that he would like her to lose a few pounds or get in better shape without being a jerk? Please don't think I'm a pig. I'm not and my wife would (probably) agree. My wife is beautiful, sexy, intelligent, wonderful, creative and generally fantastic. We have a great relationship, both emotionally and physically. We are both in our forties and have been married almost twenty years. I still find my wife very attractive. From the waist up, she has an enviable figure and when dressed she is strikingly beautiful. However (and this is a very meek and small "however"), my wife has gotten rather big in the rear and thighs, as well as a little in the lower belly, and not necessarily in a smooth and voluptuous sort of way. I know that she is aware of it and a little (but not a lot) self-conscious of it, but she does not appear to be particularly motivated to change it. My wife hasn't been pregnant or suffered any long-term debilitating illnesses or injuries in the past twenty years. I suspect it is just the result of living with a guy who can eat 2500 calories a day without gaining weight, raising out three children, keeping up with all of her myriad obligations, and just the fact that we're getting older. However, plenty of women in her circumstances are in great shape and if I am perfectly honest, I have to admit that I am put off just a little bit by this part of her physique. Not enough that I don't still find her attractive, want her to feel bad about it, or resent her at all for putting on a little weight (she probably weighs about 30 lbs more than when we were married). Just enough that, when I see a woman with a more toned stomach, rear end, and/or legs, I think, "It would be cool if my wife had that figure." Again, not enough that I'm interested in sleeping with those other women. I am very committed to my wife. I'm no Adonis, but I try to stay in pretty good shape and one of the reasons I do is so that my wife will continue to find me physically attractive as we age. Is there any approach I can possibly take in these circumstances without being a jerk. Don't worry, I suspect that the answer is probably no.

(Yes, I posted this comment in another thread about post-marriage weight gain, but I'm hoping I can get some more direct feedback by starting a new thread.)

iAMsmiling

No

cmriverside

No, there is not a way. Just do your own healthy thing. M a y b e she'll get on board if you're always gone at the gym or hiking. If she wants to see you, that is...

Unless you like to be reallllly miserable.

iAMsmiling

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

CrisN99

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

^^^^^^ True story. My husband made a very calm, and even scientifically backed up observation about my weight in a very circumspect way nearly five years ago and I have never forgotten it. It made me self conscious in some weird ways afterwards and I am just now moving past it.

Do not do it.

She knows her butt is big. I promise you. You don't have to say anything.

misteranonymous

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

jen10st

Other than asking her to join you at the gym/hiking because you would love her company, no. If she chooses to join you great but if not just keep loving her as you obviously do. Anything you say regarding her weight gain not matter how nicely put will be heard as "youre humongous!". I'm giving you thousands of nice husband points for getting advice first. Hope it works out.

dedemac963

Good Luck!

FeatherBoBeather

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

iAMsmiling

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

If you can make it work for you, more power....

Personally, the risk that she'd always have in the back of her mind that I saw her as this person I'd like to improve upon, rather than someone I love and accept as she is, is just too great.

Thewatcher_66

Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

NiagaraCheryl

As a woman who has been married for 26 years, let me give you a bit of advice: don't tell her anything except that you love her and find her sexy as he!!. But feel free to suggest things nicely like "I'd love to not only do this marathon, but do it with you. How about we train together?" or "let's go for a walk after dinner".

FeatherBoBeather

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

If you can make it work for you, more power....

Personally, the risk that she'd always have in the back of her mind that I saw her as this person I'd like to improve upon, rather than someone I love and accept as she is, is just too great.

Honestly, this brings up the fact that it really does depend on the type of relationship you personally have and how you both communicate to one another ...and what is best for your comfort level & how you feel about it all. Loving and respecting the body your S/O already has should always be #1 in my book.. but personally, with love and respect I figure comes caring for physical wellness; if he were to end up having health complications later on down the road due to never having motivation to get fit.. it would tear me apart! If I can do something now in our lives to ensure a long, healthy future together then I'm all for it. :-)

slkehl

First of all, stop comparing your wife to other women. Just don't go there.

Second of all, don't flat out tell her that she'd look better if she lost weight/got in shape. All women KNOW this, and it probably bothers her more than you think. Every lady wants to look hot for her SO, and sometimes life gets in the way. The best thing you can do is make her feel beautiful.

So, ask her to go on a walk with you. Think of fun activities you two could do together. If she makes a healthy dinner, compliment her on it. And if you see her losing any, tell her she looks hot! It's time to get creative. You can do it!

em9371

My husband has done both in the past, and him saying to me your *kitten* is getting bigger didnt do anything but piss me off, I started losing weight when it was right for me, not because someone else wanted me to....Now i am exercising a lot and losing weight, and he has gained a little weight since quitting smoking so now he knows how it feels, I would never say to him you are getting fat, I try to just do more activities together and make healthier meals for us!
Training for the triathlon together sounds fabulous, and maybe you could cook some nice healthy post workout meals for you both?

lindsiswatchingyou

Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

YES!!! I've been very happily married for almost 10 years and my husband are very open and honest in our opinions to each other...BUT weight is touchy. It's tied up in our self-esteem for men and women alike. Go with the subtle approach. If not, things could back fire and suddenly she won't change clothes while you're in the room or you only have sex with the lights off!

Good luck. And BTW, your wife is lucky that you care enough about her feelings to try and go about this the right way.

sarahharmintx

I am in the reverse situation. I started MFP, lost weight and was worried about my husband's weight. NOTHING I did mattered, NOTHING I said, hints I dropped, absolutely NOTHING until he wanted it for himself. He had to make the choice to change, he has to want it, he has to make the daily meal choices. I cannot do it for him.

He finally did come around. When his eyes were opened on his own.

slkehl

Also, you should consider yourself lucky she's only gained thirty pounds. With kids and aging, that's pretty impressive!

Marll

It takes a certain type of woman to not take any comments of that type as a personal attack and get all weird and defensive about it, and probably hold it over your head forever, and of that type I've met exactly 1 and she thought more like a man than any woman normally does...just saying from observational experience.

MinnieInMaine

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

Smart fella! Sometimes it takes talking things out to realize they're really not all that bad. And yes, absolutely go with the triathalon training! Encourage her and support her!

The other thing you might be able to do with that is research proper diet for training and participating in a triathlon and see if you can help change things up that way (because I'd also say if she's that active, diet is definitely the culprit) but don't push it. Just mention you read something and see how she responds - if she's not interested, drop it.

perfect10isha

If she mentioned wanting to train for a triathlon, focus on that. There really isn't a nice way to tell someone they need/could stand to lose a few pounds. She does seem motivated to work out, so work out with her. Don't become her "coach" or anything like that, but talk about different training programs you guys could do together to prepare for the marathon. Even just starting to run will probably help her drop a few pounds. If she's already doing a training program, talk to her about her routine, ask her if she feels its working for her, and if there is anything you can do to help her. Introduce her to strength training, go to the gym together. Take a nice long walk together every weekend (if possible). Learn how to cook some healthy meals and cook for her. There are plenty of 'encouraging' things you can do to help promote a healthy lifestyle for both of you that doesn't include potentially hurting her feelings. As people got older our metabolisms slow down and it becomes a little harder to lose the weight, I know its easy to compare her to "other women her age" and everything, but its not productive or beneficial. For now focus on positively encouraging her in the right direction, and focus on those physical attributes of her's that you do find attractive, along with the non-physical attributes.