Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

misteranonymous

Is there any possible way for a husband to communicate to his wife that he would like her to lose a few pounds or get in better shape without being a jerk? Please don't think I'm a pig. I'm not and my wife would (probably) agree. My wife is beautiful, sexy, intelligent, wonderful, creative and generally fantastic. We have a great relationship, both emotionally and physically. We are both in our forties and have been married almost twenty years. I still find my wife very attractive. From the waist up, she has an enviable figure and when dressed she is strikingly beautiful. However (and this is a very meek and small "however"), my wife has gotten rather big in the rear and thighs, as well as a little in the lower belly, and not necessarily in a smooth and voluptuous sort of way. I know that she is aware of it and a little (but not a lot) self-conscious of it, but she does not appear to be particularly motivated to change it. My wife hasn't been pregnant or suffered any long-term debilitating illnesses or injuries in the past twenty years. I suspect it is just the result of living with a guy who can eat 2500 calories a day without gaining weight, raising out three children, keeping up with all of her myriad obligations, and just the fact that we're getting older. However, plenty of women in her circumstances are in great shape and if I am perfectly honest, I have to admit that I am put off just a little bit by this part of her physique. Not enough that I don't still find her attractive, want her to feel bad about it, or resent her at all for putting on a little weight (she probably weighs about 30 lbs more than when we were married). Just enough that, when I see a woman with a more toned stomach, rear end, and/or legs, I think, "It would be cool if my wife had that figure." Again, not enough that I'm interested in sleeping with those other women. I am very committed to my wife. I'm no Adonis, but I try to stay in pretty good shape and one of the reasons I do is so that my wife will continue to find me physically attractive as we age. Is there any approach I can possibly take in these circumstances without being a jerk. Don't worry, I suspect that the answer is probably no.

(Yes, I posted this comment in another thread about post-marriage weight gain, but I'm hoping I can get some more direct feedback by starting a new thread.)

iAMsmiling

No

cmriverside

No, there is not a way. Just do your own healthy thing. M a y b e she'll get on board if you're always gone at the gym or hiking. If she wants to see you, that is...

Unless you like to be reallllly miserable.

iAMsmiling

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

CrisN99

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

^^^^^^ True story. My husband made a very calm, and even scientifically backed up observation about my weight in a very circumspect way nearly five years ago and I have never forgotten it. It made me self conscious in some weird ways afterwards and I am just now moving past it.

Do not do it.

She knows her butt is big. I promise you. You don't have to say anything.

misteranonymous

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

jen10st

Other than asking her to join you at the gym/hiking because you would love her company, no. If she chooses to join you great but if not just keep loving her as you obviously do. Anything you say regarding her weight gain not matter how nicely put will be heard as "youre humongous!". I'm giving you thousands of nice husband points for getting advice first. Hope it works out.

dedemac963

Good Luck!

FeatherBoBeather

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

iAMsmiling

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

If you can make it work for you, more power....

Personally, the risk that she'd always have in the back of her mind that I saw her as this person I'd like to improve upon, rather than someone I love and accept as she is, is just too great.

Thewatcher_66

Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

NiagaraCheryl

As a woman who has been married for 26 years, let me give you a bit of advice: don't tell her anything except that you love her and find her sexy as he!!. But feel free to suggest things nicely like "I'd love to not only do this marathon, but do it with you. How about we train together?" or "let's go for a walk after dinner".

FeatherBoBeather

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

If you can make it work for you, more power....

Personally, the risk that she'd always have in the back of her mind that I saw her as this person I'd like to improve upon, rather than someone I love and accept as she is, is just too great.

Honestly, this brings up the fact that it really does depend on the type of relationship you personally have and how you both communicate to one another ...and what is best for your comfort level & how you feel about it all. Loving and respecting the body your S/O already has should always be #1 in my book.. but personally, with love and respect I figure comes caring for physical wellness; if he were to end up having health complications later on down the road due to never having motivation to get fit.. it would tear me apart! If I can do something now in our lives to ensure a long, healthy future together then I'm all for it. :-)

slkehl

First of all, stop comparing your wife to other women. Just don't go there.

Second of all, don't flat out tell her that she'd look better if she lost weight/got in shape. All women KNOW this, and it probably bothers her more than you think. Every lady wants to look hot for her SO, and sometimes life gets in the way. The best thing you can do is make her feel beautiful.

So, ask her to go on a walk with you. Think of fun activities you two could do together. If she makes a healthy dinner, compliment her on it. And if you see her losing any, tell her she looks hot! It's time to get creative. You can do it!

em9371

My husband has done both in the past, and him saying to me your *kitten* is getting bigger didnt do anything but piss me off, I started losing weight when it was right for me, not because someone else wanted me to....Now i am exercising a lot and losing weight, and he has gained a little weight since quitting smoking so now he knows how it feels, I would never say to him you are getting fat, I try to just do more activities together and make healthier meals for us!
Training for the triathlon together sounds fabulous, and maybe you could cook some nice healthy post workout meals for you both?

lindsiswatchingyou

Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

YES!!! I've been very happily married for almost 10 years and my husband are very open and honest in our opinions to each other...BUT weight is touchy. It's tied up in our self-esteem for men and women alike. Go with the subtle approach. If not, things could back fire and suddenly she won't change clothes while you're in the room or you only have sex with the lights off!

Good luck. And BTW, your wife is lucky that you care enough about her feelings to try and go about this the right way.

sarahharmintx

I am in the reverse situation. I started MFP, lost weight and was worried about my husband's weight. NOTHING I did mattered, NOTHING I said, hints I dropped, absolutely NOTHING until he wanted it for himself. He had to make the choice to change, he has to want it, he has to make the daily meal choices. I cannot do it for him.

He finally did come around. When his eyes were opened on his own.

slkehl

Also, you should consider yourself lucky she's only gained thirty pounds. With kids and aging, that's pretty impressive!

Marll

It takes a certain type of woman to not take any comments of that type as a personal attack and get all weird and defensive about it, and probably hold it over your head forever, and of that type I've met exactly 1 and she thought more like a man than any woman normally does...just saying from observational experience.

MinnieInMaine

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

Smart fella! Sometimes it takes talking things out to realize they're really not all that bad. And yes, absolutely go with the triathalon training! Encourage her and support her!

The other thing you might be able to do with that is research proper diet for training and participating in a triathlon and see if you can help change things up that way (because I'd also say if she's that active, diet is definitely the culprit) but don't push it. Just mention you read something and see how she responds - if she's not interested, drop it.

perfect10isha

If she mentioned wanting to train for a triathlon, focus on that. There really isn't a nice way to tell someone they need/could stand to lose a few pounds. She does seem motivated to work out, so work out with her. Don't become her "coach" or anything like that, but talk about different training programs you guys could do together to prepare for the marathon. Even just starting to run will probably help her drop a few pounds. If she's already doing a training program, talk to her about her routine, ask her if she feels its working for her, and if there is anything you can do to help her. Introduce her to strength training, go to the gym together. Take a nice long walk together every weekend (if possible). Learn how to cook some healthy meals and cook for her. There are plenty of 'encouraging' things you can do to help promote a healthy lifestyle for both of you that doesn't include potentially hurting her feelings. As people got older our metabolisms slow down and it becomes a little harder to lose the weight, I know its easy to compare her to "other women her age" and everything, but its not productive or beneficial. For now focus on positively encouraging her in the right direction, and focus on those physical attributes of her's that you do find attractive, along with the non-physical attributes.

misteranonymous

Still listening...Thank you.

ahmommy

I think you've made a very honest post about how you feel and it's understandable. But none of us are your wife, or at least I know from your details that I'm not I'd like to think that I would receive loving criticism from my husband well, I know that I would not. My self esteem is fragile, it always has been. It's better now than it used to be, in large part because he has always maintained that I am beautiful and sexy to him, through two pregnancies and all the ups and downs. Since I'm so hard on myself, I need his reassurance.

Now, with that being said, I don't expect him to lie to me if I ask him a direct question. If I'm not prepared to hear the truth, I shouldn't ask. Whether or not he actually tells me the truth or not, that's on him. But if I ask if my jeans look okay and they don't, I'd rather know that than leave the house looking bad.

I don't kid myself into thinking I'm the only one my husband sees. I'm no idiot, and men are very visual. It would hurt to know if he looked at other women and wished I looked more like them, but I'd rather that than him actually wanting to go elsewhere and be with those other women. I'm honest enough with myself to recognize that I look at other women and wish I'd look more like them, so why wouldn't he?

Anyway, I'm not sure where exactly I was going with this. I don't think there's a safe way to approach your wife on this one. It sounds like she's pretty active, so keep encouraging her in that. You can also start requesting healthier meals, presumably for your sake, and that will help her eat more healthily as well. As the PP suggested, cook for her. That's a bonus all around

AliciaStinger

I'm an unmarried 21-year-old -- but, if this helps at all, I am a woman. If you can't ask her to join you on your weight loss/health journey (for fear that she'll take it the wrong way or that you'll look like a pig) here are some suggestions:

MAKE MOVING FUN - Team sports or tag are great for this; everyone knows they're being active, but it's fun. If getting all your friends/coworkers/neighbors to form teams isn't something you want to do (and I don't blame you), you can behave playfully or competitively around your wife. Maybe pick up a frisbe or, I don't know, race to the front door when you guys get home. I know, the five seconds or so between the car and the door probably won't be enough to help her lose weight, but it's better than nothing. Perhaps invite her to come with you when you go biking, or whatever you're into. Maybe you can go somewhere (like hiking or biking in a natural/scenic area) as a date -- or maybe, next time you go out together somewhere local, you can suggest walking there.

CHANGE EATING HABITS - Find a way to get more of her favorite healthy foods in the house, or try eating out less if you guys eat out regularly. Maybe you could start a MFP account for her, log her day, and show her what it looks like. I did that for my dad, and he realized that he wasn't working out enough to maintain his eating habits. If your wife shows interest in using MFP, set the weight loss goal on her account for a really low weight (as in 0.5 or 1 pound a week) so that she doesn't have to change from eating however she wants to only eating 1200 calories a day. Also, even though you're trying to be kind and considerate in how/why you motivate her to lose weight, you may wish to delete this post if she does join MFP. ;-)

MOTIVATE HER - I like it when people compliment me. If you notice that she has lost weight, you could try saying, "have you lost weight? You look really good!" implying (but not saying) that she would maybe look a little better if she were to lose some more. If she does get into losing weight, letting her know that you're proud of her and that she looks good may keep her motivated.

You may not be able to use all of these ideas...you know her/your relationship better than I do, so decide for yourself which ones you want to try. Good luck!

valeriebpdx

Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

This is the truth. My husband could have written this; I know he feels the same way. Most of the time he keeps his mouth shut; when he gets frustrated and says something it hurts my feelings and the relationship. It's hard to settle back in to a good sex life when I know we are both internally criticizing my body. I feel bad for him and think his disappointment is legitimate, and would like to be thin for a million reasons--he is just one of them--but I haven't been able to get it together yet. It's about being ridiculously busy, eating for reasons other than hunger, some lack of consistency re: exercise, and the fact that my husband likes to eat and keeps food that's hard for me in the house and doesn't wish to change his lifestyle in any way. Not excuses, just reasons, and ones I am still working on. Our extra pounds are probably not fair to you fitter partners in the marriage, but saying something to her won't change her body or her attitude if she's not ready to make the change but it will change the dynamic between you. Just the truth in my house.

RealWomenLovePitbulls

I would suggest you NOT eating large amounts of calories in front of her, whether u gain weight or not. Change your eating habits and perhaps hers will change with you, but don't expect her to do something that ur not willing to do. Suggest going on walks TOGETHER or maybe taking up bike riding TOGETHER, I wouldnt mention her weight, just that YOU want to be more active and do things together

HauteP1nk

From the sounds of things she is already very active....so if she isn't toning up or losing weight then the issue probably stems from a poor unbalanced diet. If you start focusing on your food maybe she will too.

Amber82479

YES, but it's not by asking. My suggestion would be to ask her to help you stay motivated. Get her to workout with you. Tell her you want to eat very healthfully and cook healthy meals together. Start weighing and measuring your portions (if you don't already) and encourage her to join in with you. Do it as a team and you'll have team results. Best of luck!

cramernh

Ummmmm, well... lets put it this way: How does that couch look to you? It might become your new home after your wife gets done with you, lol!

In all seriousness though... you cant. Its no different than someone saying "how do I convince my friend she needs to lose weight?" "how do I convince my sister?" or whatever the relation is... You simply - cant - do that.

Each person has to come to their own realization. Otherwise it could be disasterous.

kaigausista

The first time my husband commented on my weight I was really upset. He tried to tell me that in the nicest way possible and I still got upset. Maybe because he was true and I was in denial. I mean I know I've gained weight and I definitely don't like it but he didn't have to say it. Although what he said hurts it made me realize I needed to do something. He learned his lesson and now we only talk about it if I brought up the topic. Now every woman is different some may take it well others not so well.... chances are she may not. I agree with everyone that say that you just have to find something fun you love to do together.... going to the gym, walk etc. Some of the things my husband did after that was he tried to come up with ways to motivate me. If I have started working out he'll buy me new workout outfits without me asking. If I have started a new diet he'll ask if he could do it too. It made me feel like I was in charge of the whole weight loss thing. Sometimes just after a week of dieting/exercise he'll comment on how much I've lost (even if the scale says I haven't lost a thing). He was trying to keep me motivated. Your wife has already started working out, maybe instead of telling her to lose weight why not just motivate her on what she is already doing. Sometimes you don't have to say anything it's what you do that matters. Appreciate her for who she is and support her everytime she puts in the effort/work to lose weight.

Kenzietea2

If my husband became slightly unattracted to something I had the power to change, I'd want him to tell me. Start with the "lets get healthier together" thing. Ask her to be active with you. Go on hikes, walks, hit the gym together. I really don't know the nice way of saying she needs to lose the weight though. It is such a sensitive subject for women. Work on getting back to your wedding day shape and maybe she will see the change in you and want to get back there as well.