Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?
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My husband is the one person who is always free to comment on my weight - so long as he does it respectfully. If he asked me to lose weight, I am certain it would be out of concern for my health and/or happiness. Also, I really like being attractive to my husband. I like that he feels proud of me.
Ironically, even when I weighed close to 200lbs, he never once mentioned my weight. He said I was beautiful all the time - he always has.
However, a few months ago, he actually asked me to STOP losing weight, so I did. It took him a while to get used to a slimmer version of me. Things like collarbones and hipbones surprised him a little! :laugh:
I guess every relationship is different - some can accommodate frank talk about weight and physical appearance, some cannot. OP... you know your wife - we don't!0 -
I think that if your wife loves and respects you, then yes, you can. You can say it gently. She may not like it when you say it, but she will thank you later for being honest with her. I really appreciate it now that my husband was honest with me about my weight. Now I can throw it in his face when he tells me that I am talk about MFP too much. :laugh:0
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This seems to be YOUR problem, not your wife's. I'm going to go kiss my husband now. :grumble:
Me too!
Well, when he gets home from work
That's interesting because after reading the OP, I got the feeling that he genuinely loves and cares for her.0 -
SERIOUSLY!!!!!
You say she exercises? so suggestions to do more exercise may not be way to go. If you eat alot around her, stop!! A HUGE way to sabotage the one you love who needs to lose is to eats loads of calories around her, which will lead her to eat the same, that was my worst downfall before my boyfriend of almost 7 years got on board with me. He wanted to eat pizza and pasta and cheese all the time, if he was eating it, why couldn't I?? Understand the caloric differences between you and your wife and be aware of your influence.
ALSO, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, try to compliment her more, tell her how sexy she is, this can be an amazing motivator. Wanting to be extra sexy for my boyfriend was such a great beginning, it made me aware of how my body looked and what i wanted change about it, what I wanted to be more flat, toned, etc. Another thing that helped me be aware of how my body looks, I asked my bf his favorite part of a womans body when he answered it made me more aware of mine.
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Step one: Hand her a large, very sharp knife
Step two: Tell her what you told us, you know that part about her giant *kitten*
Step three: Run!
I am guessing she will burn about 800 calories runing you down and stabbing you. Admittedly, your survival is not guaranteed, but every plan has flaws.
LOL! That would be a GREAT workout. She could then play the widow card and get a new and better man0 -
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.
This is the truth. My husband could have written this; I know he feels the same way. Most of the time he keeps his mouth shut; when he gets frustrated and says something it hurts my feelings and the relationship. It's hard to settle back in to a good sex life when I know we are both internally criticizing my body. I feel bad for him and think his disappointment is legitimate, and would like to be thin for a million reasons--he is just one of them--but I haven't been able to get it together yet. It's about being ridiculously busy, eating for reasons other than hunger, some lack of consistency re: exercise, and the fact that my husband likes to eat and keeps food that's hard for me in the house and doesn't wish to change his lifestyle in any way. Not excuses, just reasons, and ones I am still working on. Our extra pounds are probably not fair to you fitter partners in the marriage, but saying something to her won't change her body or her attitude if she's not ready to make the change but it will change the dynamic between you. Just the truth in my house.
If your husband could have written this (and trust me, he didn't), then let me speak for your husband and say that 99.9% of the time he isn't at all worried or concerned about your imperfections, but instead appreciates all of the wonderful things that make the two of you happy together. He is busy appreciating everything that you do for him - the way you make him laugh, the many things you do to make his life more enjoyable, the great sex, the ways you make him want to be a better person, the moments you get to spend alone, and all of the other ways that you enrich his life. When he see's you in the nude, his eyes are instantly drawn to the parts of you that he loves best and his mind very quickly goes to the fun you two could have together (even if the kids are in the next room). When he does notice a small flaw here and there (and I'm not saying he does), he immediately feels bad for even noticing and reminds himself that he is lucky to be with you. If he notices that another woman is a bit fitter than you are, he instinctively reminds himself of everything in your life that makes it difficult for you to stay in perfect shape and assumes that the other woman doesn't have to worry about the same challenges. What I'm saying is that, just because men may sometimes notice imperfections in their wives and even if they are occasionally neanderthal enough to actually mention such imperfections to their wives (or start a cowardly internet thread discussing the issue in abstract), that doesn't mean that these men are constantly critiquing their wives or girlfriends or that they are unhappy in any way. I clicked "reply" without looking closely at your profile picture or other photos (so I can't say from personal observation), but you should trust that your husband finds you beautiful and sexy and know that you are much more aware of and obsessed with your imperfections that he is. Mostly, he's just happy you're there.0 -
That's interesting because after reading the OP, I got the feeling that he genuinely loves and cares for her.
No the OP is saying that he is looking at other women's bodies (probably much younger than his wife) and saying he wishes that SHE would look like them. In spite of the fact that she exercises regularly, and seems to be very health conscious.0 -
Haven't read all the replies, but all I can say is lead by example and do not say a word. She notices, more than a little I'm sure, and is probably embarrassed enough. Try to do outdoorsy stuff with her to get her moving, even a walk after dinner is nice!
Also, do you do the cooking? If not, start! Easy way to stay healthy as a couple just with that.0 -
Post pictures of VS models on the fridge and her bathroom mirror0
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Even the most subtle suggestions on this topic are never as subtle as you think they are, at least to the recipient. She has to want to make changes to her diet and activity level. All you can do is set a good example, and hopefully she will want to join and emulate you out of togetherness, if nothing else!
To address those who say if you are a communicative spouse, then it should be ok, I completely disagree. Just because you want to share everything doesn't mean you should. It definitely depends on the person, but most women I know, myself included, would not take kindly to this kind of "motivation." For me, even the most loving comments that I should lose weight would probably have the opposite effect.0 -
This seems to be YOUR problem, not your wife's. I'm going to go kiss my husband now. :grumble:
Me too!
Well, when he gets home from work
That's interesting because after reading the OP, I got the feeling that he genuinely loves and cares for her.
^^^Ditto...and at least he is being honest with himself about how he is feeling, and trying to get advice on how to talk to his wife about it. I give him props for that! I am so glad that my husband is honest with me AND concerned with my feelings and health...a win-win situation in my book!0 -
Step one: Hand her a large, very sharp knife
Step two: Tell her what you told us, you know that part about her giant *kitten*
Step three: Run!
I am guessing she will burn about 800 calories runing you down and stabbing you. Admittedly, your survival is not guaranteed, but every plan has flaws.
lol0 -
Didn't read the other responses.
If she values honesty, then possibly. But probably not.
If she doesn't think you're being a jerk, you are probably not communicating your message effectively because she hasn't taken your meaning.
Sometimes being a jerk is exactly the right thing to do.0 -
Step one: Hand her a large, very sharp knife
Step two: Tell her what you told us, you know that part about her giant *kitten*
Step three: Run!
I am guessing she will burn about 800 calories runing you down and stabbing you. Admittedly, your survival is not guaranteed, but every plan has flaws.
LOL! LOVE, love, love this!0 -
<OP>She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that. <OP
yup, do that. Get the junk food out of the house, if any, and then constantly praise the positive progress.
If you make any mention of say, "um, so are you really going to eat that pop-tart..." she/we get defensive right away. And then she might just start eating whatever she wants to spite you, or do it when you're not around.
We also don't forget the negative comments, or we turn them negative even though your intentions might be positive. I'm sure you know this about us.
And then take a deep breath cause we are complex creatures who have occasional mood swings. lol. 0 -
It will hurt no matter how you put it. However, I think u have some very valid points. Maybe it would eventually motivate her if you said something. Personally, I would feel hurt, defensive, and prob a bit pissed. I'd also like to think that it would serve as a wake up call. Good luck.0
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Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.
This is the truth. My husband could have written this; I know he feels the same way. Most of the time he keeps his mouth shut; when he gets frustrated and says something it hurts my feelings and the relationship. It's hard to settle back in to a good sex life when I know we are both internally criticizing my body. I feel bad for him and think his disappointment is legitimate, and would like to be thin for a million reasons--he is just one of them--but I haven't been able to get it together yet. It's about being ridiculously busy, eating for reasons other than hunger, some lack of consistency re: exercise, and the fact that my husband likes to eat and keeps food that's hard for me in the house and doesn't wish to change his lifestyle in any way. Not excuses, just reasons, and ones I am still working on. Our extra pounds are probably not fair to you fitter partners in the marriage, but saying something to her won't change her body or her attitude if she's not ready to make the change but it will change the dynamic between you. Just the truth in my house.
If your husband could have written this (and trust me, he didn't), then let me speak for your husband and say that 99.9% of the time he isn't at all worried or concerned about your imperfections, but instead appreciates all of the wonderful things that make the two of you happy together. He is busy appreciating everything that you do for him - the way you make him laugh, the many things you do to make his life more enjoyable, the great sex, the ways you make him want to be a better person, the moments you get to spend alone, and all of the other ways that you enrich his life. When he see's you in the nude, his eyes are instantly drawn to the parts of you that he loves best and his mind very quickly goes to the fun you two could have together (even if the kids are in the next room). When he does notice a small flaw here and there (and I'm not saying he does), he immediately feels bad for even noticing and reminds himself that he is lucky to be with you. If he notices that another woman is a bit fitter than you are, he instinctively reminds himself of everything in your life that makes it difficult for you to stay in perfect shape and assumes that the other woman doesn't have to worry about the same challenges. What I'm saying is that, just because men may sometimes notice imperfections in their wives and even if they are occasionally neanderthal enough to actually mention such imperfections to their wives (or start a cowardly internet thread discussing the issue in abstract), that doesn't mean that these men are constantly critiquing their wives or girlfriends or that they are unhappy in any way. I clicked "reply" without looking closely at your profile picture or other photos (so I can't say from personal observation), but you should trust that your husband finds you beautiful and sexy and know that you are much more aware of and obsessed with your imperfections that he is. Mostly, he's just happy you're there.
I think you are right on...you sound a lot like my husband. The problem is, first, that a lot of people lose weight to LOOK better, not FEEL better. This is what starts the hurt feelings...health should be first and foremost. Now trust me, I understand that there are people who are overweight, but because they have been working on themselves, they are healthier than someone thinner than them...you know, the whole "skinny fat" thing? The other part of the problem is that people say they want open communication...but when it comes down to it...if it won't make them overjoyed to hear it...they all of a sudden don't want to hear it. So, you know your relationship better than any of us. I know that when my husband says anything to me about my food choices, etc. it is because he knows that I want to be healthy and am trying to reach a goal. I also want to look HOT for him...and is that such a bad thing?? I think it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your wife...and I think you know your communication style...and it is not wrong to talk to her. It sounds like you love her very much, which is hard to find these days!!0 -
Maybe stop ogling other "slimmer" women just for a week. Then you will start to realize that she is fine the way she is as long as she healthy and happy...0
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This is what I was thinking. She's only 30lbs difference? I would suck it up and take it or leave it. Only if she wasn't doing this stuff and was more overweight then I would be worried about health etc.. She is older now, bodies change. We aren't going to be a 20 year old body when we are 40 odd. Some people are just genetically inclined in a different direction. Unless you actually "told" her and she "wanted" to firm up (as that's the only thing I can think would be different seeing she is exercising heaps already) then join a gym together. I am sure you still don't look 20 years old? How would you feel?What I don't understand is you said she works out 4-5 times a week in various ways.
What more are you expecting her to do?
I have been married 12 years and we definitely don't look the same as when we were married. But that's why you are for better or worse together. You haveplenty of years left in your marriage. Don't ruin it and STOP comparing her to other woman, she is just who she is. Have you started getting a wondering eye? Are you going through some sort of "mid life" issue? If you love you're wife, take her as she is, as she will you.0 -
Hate to admit it but that was the only I lost weight was because my guy was just plain out rude.0
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Another suggestion is to allow your perceptions to shift about the lower half of her body. Notice something you like about her legs, her butt, and her lower tummy and see if that helps ya.0
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As a woman who has been married for 26 years, let me give you a bit of advice: don't tell her anything except that you love her and find her sexy as he!!. But feel free to suggest things nicely like "I'd love to not only do this marathon, but do it with you. How about we train together?" or "let's go for a walk after dinner".
Been married 25 years and agree - she knows if she is heavier. I would try to incorporate more activity in your relationship, it may be the incentive and push that she needs
She may NOT know. I got up to 263 pounds before I woke up. And loving comments from hubby helped me in the long run.0 -
I don't know about outright telling her, as you said, that is probably not a good idea. My brother just came right out and said that I gained weight. I was taken aback but it was true so nothing I could really do. Why get upset...it's true! The conversation went something like this:
"Hey bro it's good to see you!"
"Hey sis, you've gained some weight since you were here last."
*Hugs*
"I know, I am working on it."
The End. I don't recommend this approach. However, I know that when I bring up the things I don't like about me I have a male friend who tells me I will just have to work on it, or that I know what I have to do, or something that is more constructive than just telling me that I am a little fluffy (then again I think he likes it when women are a little fluffy and not too lean) and a little more helpful than just telling me I don't need to and that I am beautiful/sexy the way I am. That might be true, but I know I got caught in the "Honey, you are so beautiful" trap and that is how I gained my "comfort weight".
I guess my advice, if you can find it in this jumble, is to maybe encourage her if she brings it up but otherwise just continue to encourage being active and eating healthy.0 -
Put yourself in her shoes. Read your letter again. Would you like it if she posted to millions of people on MFP about you? I would be furious if my husband posted something like this about me.
Did you just post this for to get support for yourself? To ease your guilt?
If you really want to help her, it is very simple. Just cook healthy meals for her, walk with her, hug her, and tell her how much you love her.0 -
Of course there's a way. i bet you find her beautifull with or without some extra pounds.
So, why motivation? Because she needs to eat healthy and thus, you guys can stay even more years married.
Try that.
And if you are the one that is giving her pointers on how to train and eat (poor you), she must look at you has her personal trainer, and not has her hubby.0 -
When I ask my husband "Do I Look Fat" I expect an honest answer. Which I get.
When I commented "Why can't I pull off that kind of dress?" Pointing to a lovely, form fitting, striped dress, He answered with "Cuz you're fat".
It was honest.
I've mentioned to him how I wish he'd eat healthier, and how it pisses me off when he eats my WEEK"s woth of nuts because he got snacky. I've even told him that he's put on too much weight. Then I had "couple tiem" with him.
Saying that, that's our relationship. Going about this would depend on what kind of relationship you two have. I think training together for the marathon would be an awesome idea.0 -
I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
If she's already doing all of this, she sounds like an amazingly healthy and fit woman. I wouldn't flat out tell her what you'd like her to change, but like you said just train with her on the triathlon and focus on that.
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Just enough that, when I see a woman with a more toned stomach, rear end, and/or legs, I think, "It would be cool if my wife had that figure."
Do you think she doesn't look at other men and admire some part of their body and think the same thing? Would it bother you if she hinted that you needed bigger abs, more of a 6 pack, tighter *kitten*, bigger...... (well, you get my point)?
You say she works out so she's health conscious and I'd bet my left arm that she knows her hips/*kitten* are bigger than they were 20 years ago. Trust me, she is aware and I bet she's thinking how lucky she is to have a wonderful supporting husband who loves her despite time adding cushioning to her.
Don't burst her bubble. She's accepted you for who you aged into, she deserves the same.
This happened to me, very recently, my boyfriend, who i had just moved in with, i noticed him being a bit distant, so i asked him to tell me whats up, to be honest, and he finally points out my tummy (yup, im a big girl, have been all my life) he thought he'd be motivating me or who the heck knows what he was thinking, he isnt mister fit either.. all he accomplished that day was busting my bubble, i thought i had someone who cared about me for me, but deep down he wants his perfect woman, so at all cost avoid the busting of any bubbles, it took me a long time to get over what he said to me, look past it and work on myself, well then, now that i brought up one of the worse days of my life.. ima go
:sad: 0 -
Bad idea. Change the way you eat and train together, keep your mouth shut.0
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I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.
^^ I think that is a good idea! That's pretty much the only approach you can "win" with. You don't sound like a jerk...my fiance is very much not a jerk, but I know that he wants me to lose weight because when I'm this size, I'm unhappy, and he wants me to be happy (and sexy, of course). I have old pictures of myself 50 pounds lighter hung up on my mirror as motivation, and sometimes he will comment that he can't wait until I'm that size again or something like that. And no matter how nice he says it or what he says, I have to remind myself not to get mad at him because it will ALWAYS be interpreted in my mind as "Yeah...but right NOW, you're fat."
Keep focusing on all the things that are awesome about her right now. And maybe take the approach of working out together or getting in shape together. That might be the only way she won't take it wrong But every woman isdifferent and some are more sensitive than others about weight. Good luck! 0
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