Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

raven3lise

I didn't read all that, I'm just here as comic relief.

But in reply to the title question:

katierechgomez

Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

This is the truth. My husband could have written this; I know he feels the same way. Most of the time he keeps his mouth shut; when he gets frustrated and says something it hurts my feelings and the relationship. It's hard to settle back in to a good sex life when I know we are both internally criticizing my body. I feel bad for him and think his disappointment is legitimate, and would like to be thin for a million reasons--he is just one of them--but I haven't been able to get it together yet. It's about being ridiculously busy, eating for reasons other than hunger, some lack of consistency re: exercise, and the fact that my husband likes to eat and keeps food that's hard for me in the house and doesn't wish to change his lifestyle in any way. Not excuses, just reasons, and ones I am still working on. Our extra pounds are probably not fair to you fitter partners in the marriage, but saying something to her won't change her body or her attitude if she's not ready to make the change but it will change the dynamic between you. Just the truth in my house.

I completely agree with this^^ Perfectly said!!

nikinyx6

Just tell her want the both of you to be healthy. hikes, bike rides, even just nice walks. Don't expect to bring this up then just sit idly while she works out, you'll need to be involved too

vvanm

Absolutely. Your wife is probably taking care of everyone but herself. After raising 3 kids that is a natural evolution as a wife and mother. If you can help her workload, allow her time for pampering herself, take her shopping, and basically do everything in your power to help her thrive I bet the weight will come off as a byproduct. You won't have to mention anything about her not being perfect in your eyes.

kaseysospacey

No. No, a thousand no. One comment can leave her forever feeling unattractive. BUT, you can encourage fun, physical activities and trying healthy new foods.

RaceyKay

I know that if she knew how you felt she would want to handle it. My husband asked me if I had been on the roof one morning - I said no why and he thought I had jumped from the roof to get into the jeans I was wearing - actually I thought it was pretty cute, however I was actually in denial that I needed bigger jeans and refused to buy them. I got right on taking a look at my food decisions and exercise. I ended up losing weight then he had the audacity to ask why I was looking so hot??!!

fatgirlanamaria

No offense, but you are ignorant and naive. Your wife is in her 40's now, there is no way you can expect her to look the way she did when she was in her 20's. As you should already know, our metabolisms slow down as we get older, so its quite understandable that she is 30 lbs heavier now than she used to be. You should be happy that she's only 30 lbs heavier, not 50 or 100! From the way you describe her body, she does not even sound fat. She sounds quite slim, just thicker on the lower half of her body. It sounds to me like she is a "pear" shaped woman, and when she was in her 20's, she was as slim as humanly possible and was able to keep a proportionate figure, but now that her metabolism has slowed down her true shape is starting to show. Carrying extra weight on her bottom half does not mean she is fat--that's just the way her body is built. How about you stop comparing your wife to other women and accept her for who she is? If she were overweight or obese, perhaps you'd have a right to feel this way, but the fact that she is still in good shape and works out 4 times a week really makes you sound like a jerk. Stop watching porn and looking at 20 year olds and then you will come to realize that your wife is quite hot just the way she is.

And no, there is NEVER a polite way to tell a woman she is overweight. Do you think fat people are blind or delusional? I'm sure some of them are, but most overweight people are very well aware of their weight problems and do not need to be reminded. As other people have already mentioned, someone has to want to lose weight for THEMSELVES not for their partner. Even if she lost weight because you wanted her to, she would resent you deep down, and she'd most likely gain all the weight back afterwards because she did it without motivation from within. She needs to have the desire to change for HERSELF or else the results won't be long term.

stang_girl88

Ask her if she wants to go for walks with you. Pack up the kids and go for a walk. It may get the ball rolling. Or you could say I love you , but I can see life is wearing on you. I want you to be here forever blah blah blah and reassure her you are still attracted to her. Or do you watch the weight loss shows on TV? See her reaction to them and start asking her questions about the topic at the moment. Its all I got lol.

P.S. If my hubs said something to me in a decent way (not hey, you're getting fat!) I would not take it personally. So take my advice with caution Good luck!

bushidowoman

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

So you are married to a woman in her 40s who is "beautiful, intelligent, sexy, blah blah blah", who is fit and works out 4-5 times a week...and you are looking at other toned women wishing your wife looked more like ~that~?
(Are any of these other women also in their 40s or are they young enough to be your daughters?)

Count your blessings. Focus on the good things in your relationship. Be grateful that she puts up with you. There are probably a few other guys out there looking at her and wishing that their wives looked like ~her~.

David___D

I asked a very similar question on this board yesterday, and it is great to read some of the replies on this questions.

Thanks to all!

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/723320-persuading-spouses

JenniBaby85

No offense, but you are ignorant and naive. Your wife is in her 40's now, there is no way you can expect her to look the way she did when she was in her 20's. As you should already know, our metabolisms slow down as we get older, so its quite understandable that she is 30 lbs heavier now than she used to be. You should be happy that she's only 30 lbs heavier, not 50 or 100! From the way you describe her body, she does not even sound fat. She sounds quite slim, just thicker on the lower half of her body. It sounds to me like she is a "pear" shaped woman, and when she was in her 20's, she was as slim as possible and was able to keep a more proportionate figure, but now that her metabolism has slowed down her true shape is showing. Carrying extra weight on her bottom half does not mean she is fat--that's just the way her body is built. How about you stop comparing your wife to other women and accept her for who she is? If she were overweight or obese, perhaps you'd have a right to feel this way, but the fact that she is still in good shape and works out 4 times a week really makes you sound like a jerk. Stop watching porn and looking at 20 year olds and then you will come to realize that your wife is quite hot just the way she is.

And no, there is NEVER a polite way to tell a woman she is overweight. Do you think fat people are blind or delusional? I'm sure some of them are, but most overweight people are very well aware of their weight problems and do not need to be reminded. As other people have already mentioned, someone has to want to lose weight for THEMSELVES not for their partner. Even if she lost weight because you wanted her to, she would resent you deep down, and she'd most likely gain all the weight back afterwards because she did it without motivation from within. She needs to have the desire to change for HERSELF or else the results won't be long term.

Halleluiah! You've described it perfectly!

CierraGrohler

Perhaps you can suggest doing physically active things together such as bike rides or walking the dog. Does she have any friends that regularly attend fitness classes? THose can be a great time for "girl time" without the calories of meeting up and having lunch to catch up. However you approach it, tread lightly. If she is comfortable with herself as is, you had better learn to deal on your own.

rhonniema

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

Yeah, leave it alone.

jilers

NO!

Julieandpaloma

Don't risk it. She already knows she has to lose the weight - I'm sure it haunts her. And I bet you anything she is unbelievably grateful that you are still with her and supportive. I know I feel that way with my boyfriend.

xLexa

Suggest doing something together. Tell her you have been feeling the pinch in your clothes and you think if she did it with you that it would motivate you.

payupalice

She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

That is the answer. She knows she's put on weight, just encourage healthy habits - eating healthy, etc. & train for the tri with her.

babymine55

First off, I want to say that I don't think you're a total jerk for posting this. In fact, I think you have taken EVERY step possible to consider your wife's feelings and the impact asking someone in your familiar circle might do.

I think there's no simple yes or no answer to this...it really depends on you and your wife and what kind of communication you have. There was a time in my marriage when my husband tried (in very clumsy and hurtful ways) to express his feelings. It wasn't until a few years ago when he really took the time to choose his words AND I was ready to listen. He's my husband. He does have a right to those feelings. I would feel the same way if my husband gained a bunch of weight.

Our situation was similar in that, despite being over 200 pounds overweight, he still found me attractive, he still loved me. But, it changed how I was. It changed how I was in a physical sense as well as mental.

I agree with an earlier post...offering to cook some more of the meals at home is a GREAT way to serve your wife in love and to make perhaps healthier choices. Asking to go on walks...maybe suggest a hike and prepare a nice picnic for the day??

If you can't be totally honest with your wife, and she with you...what does that say?? I don't feel like you're coming at this in a pig-like way based off your posts. But, that's all we can go off of here.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

PomegranatePriestess

I'm just shaking my head... your wife already works out 4-5 days a week, and now she's talking to you about training for a triathalon together and you're here asking how you can motivate her?? Your wife IS motivated. That might not be as clear to you as her "middle-aged spread," but it's as plain as day to me, and it's time you acknowledge it. How do you know this isn't EXACTLY why she's talking about the triathalon in the first place? Do you think your wife doesn't see how you look at the other women, or know what your taste in women is? After 20 years?

We ALL age. All of us. And we can't look exactly the same forever. I'm with the others who said it's a real achievement for your wife to have only gained thirty pounds after raising THREE kids. Where is this wife of yours -- I want to give her an award. No, actually I want YOU to give her an award.

You're speaking from a place of what YOU need. How about what SHE needs? You want to motivate her to do what you want her to do for you: you want her to be more attractive to you. What does she want? Have you asked her WHY she wants to do the triathalon? There's the conversation you should be having.

happypath101

I LOVE this question!!! And I love the sensitive way you phrase it. Short answer YES, you can motivate her.

I agree, though, with the people who answered immediately that you can't say anything. I agree. You probably shouldn't SAY anything about her problem areas. But, there's lots you can do and say and she'll appreciate you for it:

* Give her TONNES of compliments on the things you find attractive about her. Be specific. Be generous. (Some of us girls give up if we don't feel we're noticed. We shouldn't; it's wrong. But I was in a 13 year marriage when I never heard so much as a "You look nice today." It took it's toll on me. I didn't think he noticed or cared and it affected how much I cared about myself. Wrong, wrong, wrong I know. But, it's there.)
* Tell her you're concerned that you might be gaining weight or not as healthy as you could be. (I assume, being on here, you've already shared something like this with her. Just talk it up like it's fun and cool and totally natural and maybe she'll decide to join too.)
* Offer to cook for her and when you do, make it super healthy.
* Support, don't sabotage, any of her efforts. If late night snacking is an issue for her, don't tempt her by popping a big thing of popcorn at night. Don't bring her home candies (bring her home flowers or bath stuff instead).
* Tell her you're missing one-on-one time with her and ask if she'd like to start going for an after-dinner walk every night.
* If and when she mentions to you that she'd like to drop some weight, try to act nonchelante, but be encouraging right away. Say something like "That's great! Me too. How are we going to do this."


BTW: I'm in a new relationship now and one of the interesting things for me has been being able to talk about weight and keep it off as we're dating. For some of us, it's painfully embarassing. But, having a partner that understands, that wants to help, that is looking FINE himself, is a great thing!

tamtamzz

I might be in the minority here, but I was annoyed that my husband didn't let me know I was gaining weight. The truth came out after the fact. He said that he noticed, but didn't say anything. It wasn't until I saw a picture of myself (I avoid pictures like the plague. Always have.) I was mortified by the amount of weight I gained. I thought I gained like 5 pounds, but it was more like 50! We didn't have a scale because it broke years ago, I work from home and don't have to get dressed-dressed, so I was blissfully ignorant. My blood pressure was high, my joints were hurting, I kept catching colds, then I finally put two and two together.

I am a pretty direct person, so I prefer direct communication. I think there is a difference between being tactless, rude and disrespectful and being direct but still caring. If I were to ask my husband for a glass of soda and he said, 'Erm, how about some water instead?' Or if I went into the cupboard to grab some cookies and found Triscuits, with the intention of dropping a hint, I would have been mad.

Now, OP, what you are talking about is something COMPLETELY different. Your wife already is motivated. She's already working out. She can't force her body to change. It is what it is. That is something you gotta accept. In this particular case, since she is already working out, just leave it alone.

ktrn0312

Bump

thistimeismytime

NO, No, and again I say......NO.

misteranonymous

Okay, I said I wasn't going to post again, but a few of you have made a good point. As you have said, my interest in my wife making a change (at least the change in posterior fitness I cited in my original post) was entirely selfish. It is the result of me wanting to be with, be seen with, have sex with, etc. a woman who is different than the woman that my wife is. In a sense, that is a form of (and if not a form of, at least a path toward) being unfaithful to my wife - something that, if asked, I would say that I would never do and have no interest in doing. Those who assumed that I was looking at and comparing my wife to women in their 20's - I'm only 42 and my oldest daughter is 11, so we don't need to get into the "young enough to be their father" discussion...that's just gross - or that I get my ideas of physical attractiveness from pornography - also not personally appealing - were far from the mark, but still my way of thinking is indicative of a certain amount of fantasy on my part that I am selfishly imposing on my wife. Clearly, this is not fair to her. She and I are both healthy, rather fit, active and very happy together. It would be pointless and insensitive for me to complain to my wife about the way that her body is naturally despite all of the healthy choices that she makes and that she can no more change than she can change her height. Fortunately, I had the uncommon good sense to air my selfishness and wrongheadedness in this forum before saying anything at all to my wife. I thank you all for putting me in my place and helping me see the true motives behind my desires. For the record (although the record doesn't really matter given the anonymity of this conversation), I never said or suggested that my wife was "fat" or that she "wasn't fit" or "wasn't healthy" and I agree that none of these are the case. Even when we are in quite good shape, I think most of us have one or two "problem areas" that we can't seem to get just the way we want them. For me, it is the fact that I have a rather week chin and I never seem to develop the same definition in my calves as other cyclists do. My mistake (to be charitable to myself) was that I was taking the liberty of being as critical of my generally healthy wife as I am of myself and doing so from a very selfish point of view. Take comfort in the fact that I have, to date, always heartily taken the "you look wonderful tonight" approach to inquiries from my wife about her personal appearance, although she does welcome an honest critique of specific outfits, hairstyles, etc. (we are actually quite open with each other), and thanks your feedback, criticism and suggestions, I am now even more committed to this approach. Better yet, I have been reminded that when I say "you look wonderful tonight," I honestly mean it. Thanks again.

(By now, if you're still reading anything I say, you must be used to my long-winded posts, but I still feel like I should apologize for being so wordy. If you can't tell, I'm clearly working through a few issues with the group. Perhaps I should hang onto this Mister Anonymous avatar. It seems to have value.)

fteale

I think there is, but it's up to her not to be offended by it. My husband never commented directly on my weight, but after having our second child he brought home trainers for me, and piles of size 10 UK running clothes that I couldn't get into. As they were samples I couldn't complain, but didn't use them. After a few years he suggested I try them as I'd had the trainers a long time and not used them, it turned out they weren't right for me, but by the time I discovered that, I'd been running a few times and liked it, so then I wanted clothes, and he pointed out he'd already got me clothes. I complained they were too small, and he said they wouldn't be soon.

I knew he wanted me to lose the baby weight, but the key is not to mention weight, I think.

RuthSweetTooth

Too much advice you can't use. Here is my advice. You cannot eat more in front of her than she should eat herself, because a woman will get enormous eating 2500 calories a day, and with you eating that, she will just copy you. It will mean that you will need to eat bigger lunches at work to get enough calories for a man so that you will be okay with a smaller dinner. Find out what she should eat, and eat the right amount of food at dinner and fix both your plates. Especially for a woman, the important thing to limit is the carbs. 1/2 cup of pasta, rice, potatoes, and a woman cannot have bread AND pasta or rice. It has to be one carb, bread OR pasta OR rice. You can eat big, but she can't, and it will keep her heavy forever. She you will have to sacrifice for her (well, actually, just rearrange). And literally throw out the rest so she can't have seconds, and then distract her with sex as dinner is winding up, she won't be thinking about the leftovers. If you don't know what to do, follow my diary or send me a friend request.

Next thing you can do is get a piece of exercise equipment. Sit it in front of the TV. Use it while you watch a movie or TV. Set the example. One day, you will find her using it.

NEVER tell her she is fat. Try to get her to exercise, that is the key to her getting her weight down, and having the muscles that you will love. The most I would say, I think it is so hot when women get sweaty from exercise. And remember to giver her some big juicy sweaty kisses if you catch her on the bike.

Good luck!!!!

robin52077

You know why I joined MFP 2 years ago?
Because he reached over when I was changing and grabbed my love handle, shook it, and said "hmmm, this is new..."

Made me realize I had let myself get from 118 to 130 for the first time in my life.

Thanks to him (and my thick "big girl" skin) I quit smoking, ran 2 5Ks, lost 12 pounds, learned to love lifting weights, got way stronger, made a ton of friends on here, etc.....

I was "offended and mad" at him for a couple of days but THANK GOD he did that or the last 1000 days would not have happened.

IronmanPanda

Buy her a scale for her birthday?

TDGee

chatipati1

Nope. I wouldn't do it if I were you..unless, of course, you like sleeping the rest of your life with one eye open