Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

tryinghard71

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

If she is working out 4-5 times a week then it sounds like she already cares and is trying to do something about it already. Why would you need to say anything to her besides WTG! Every time she lifts weights, cycles, runs etc...

Edit to add that I agree with another post saying if she is this active maybe you both could look more at your diet.

XXXMinnieXXX

I'd ask her to join the triathalon if she says yes you can say shall we eat well to help our training? Her body will no doubt change training. Just give lots of compliments and I'm sure it will.motivate her. Maybe buy her a hrm or fitbit to motivate her when training. :-)

miadvh

Don't SAY anything reguarding her weight or size.

Start maybe seeing if she wants to go on hikes to have a light picnik at the top of a hill or something. Start doing physical but fun activities together..buy both of you a bike..go for nightly walks together. Hell take her dancing when you can!
Do what you can and maybe she'll follow.
Otherwise, you might just have to deal with it until she realizes she wants to make a change in herself for herself.

sphenisciforme

My husband spent years telling me that I should lose weight and take up exercise. I started lots of unsuccessful diets to please him. The change came when I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in a mirror and knew the weight had to go. That was a year ago, and I'm doing this for me, because I have a target that I want to achieve (even though he is over the moon about it!)

dmeyrich89

Is there any possible way for a husband to communicate to his wife that he would like her to lose a few pounds or get in better shape without being a jerk? Please don't think I'm a pig. I'm not and my wife would (probably) agree. My wife is beautiful, sexy, intelligent, wonderful, creative and generally fantastic. We have a great relationship, both emotionally and physically. We are both in our forties and have been married almost twenty years. I still find my wife very attractive. From the waist up, she has an enviable figure and when dressed she is strikingly beautiful. However (and this is a very meek and small "however"), my wife has gotten rather big in the rear and thighs, as well as a little in the lower belly, and not necessarily in a smooth and voluptuous sort of way. I know that she is aware of it and a little (but not a lot) self-conscious of it, but she does not appear to be particularly motivated to change it. My wife hasn't been pregnant or suffered any long-term debilitating illnesses or injuries in the past twenty years. I suspect it is just the result of living with a guy who can eat 2500 calories a day without gaining weight, raising out three children, keeping up with all of her myriad obligations, and just the fact that we're getting older. However, plenty of women in her circumstances are in great shape and if I am perfectly honest, I have to admit that I am put off just a little bit by this part of her physique. Not enough that I don't still find her attractive, want her to feel bad about it, or resent her at all for putting on a little weight (she probably weighs about 30 lbs more than when we were married). Just enough that, when I see a woman with a more toned stomach, rear end, and/or legs, I think, "It would be cool if my wife had that figure." Again, not enough that I'm interested in sleeping with those other women. I am very committed to my wife. I'm no Adonis, but I try to stay in pretty good shape and one of the reasons I do is so that my wife will continue to find me physically attractive as we age. Is there any approach I can possibly take in these circumstances without being a jerk. Don't worry, I suspect that the answer is probably no.

(Yes, I posted this comment in another thread about post-marriage weight gain, but I'm hoping I can get some more direct feedback by starting a new thread.)

I believe there is! I am not married yet but my fiance bought me a personal trainer for our 4 year anniversary and I have never regretted him doing and i did not feel like it was a bad thing. Yes it was a wake up call but it didn't hurt my feelings. Now I thank God everyday that he did it.

XXXMinnieXXX

I'd ask her to join the triathalon if she says yes you can say shall we eat well to help our training? Her body will no doubt change training. Just give lots of compliments and I'm sure it will.motivate her. Maybe buy her a hrm or fitbit to motivate her when training. :-)

If she lifts she may like a kettlebell with dvd as a present.. supposed to .be great for tightening you up!

crystal_darling

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

If she is working out 4-5 times a week then it sounds like she already cares and is trying to do something about it already. Why would you need to say anything to her besides WTG! Every time she lifts weights, cycles, runs etc...

Edit to add that I agree with another post saying if she is this active maybe you both could look more at your diet.

^^^ This!!

iAMsmiling

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

that just made me LOL! Prob because its true.... I like the idea though just get more involved with physical activities you can both do, hopefully that will lead to a gained interest in health and fitness. Good luck!

Comes a time you've got to realize that older happens. If that means less attractive for you, I can understand.
Eventually though you have to decide if you're going to shop for a younger model or grow old with the one you have.

If someone were killing themselves with food and inactivity, I'd understand trying to motivate change, but for purely esthetic reasons...no. Just pray she can keep tolerating you when you get hairy ears and that old man smell.

jackie2866

I am in my forties, and as a female, I know that since I hit 40 it has been VERY hard to lose any weight and keep it off. In the past it was quite easy for me. Just cut down on bread, etc. Bodies change as we get older, and for some it is harder than for others to keep it off. Believe me though, she knows it. She does not need to be told.

LessStephMoreLove

You could always put some of it on you by saying "man I need to get fit again, we should do it together!"

BOLO4Hagtha

If she does diet and exercise there is no guarantee that she will lose weight were its obvious she put it on (her bottom, thighs, etc). Be ready for her to lose her boobies too because those puppies are the first to go, no matter what size they are.

fitterpam

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

Agree with the above, if the reason is to get fit. It sounds like she's doing plenty to keep herself healthy. Before I can answer you well, I need to know one thing......why is it important to you that she lose weight? Your answer is legitimate even if it's not politically correct. There are different ways of handling this - some more hurtful than others, but if the reason is clear, it will give you the right options. I'd rather not assume

RAWBMEOW

I think i would want my husband to be honest with me, that being said I would never tell my BF that he is a little chubby. He is aware and he will change when HE is ready.

hedgiie

no, it's impossible not to be..

eyestylemom

I didn't read all the posts, so I may be repeating something. From your OP I read that you wanted her to lose the weight for your personal preference...to have a body like other women you see. Not because you worry about her health.

If you can talk to her about it, I would leave the "other women's bodies" out of it, because it will only hurt her feelings. It just will..it doesn't matter your intent or not. I would bet thousands of dollars that she is aware of her flaws already because you said she exercises a lot. Love her, encourage her, and JOIN her.

fit4lifeUcan2

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

Smart man! My DH's father is always picking on his wifes weight and he's no prize himself. Looks like he's about to deliver twins any day now. Yes his wife is obese but he is as well. He tried to egg my DH into saying something to his step mom even saying in front of her... I wish you would say something to your step mom about her weight. Its very unattractive being so fat. My DH said I'm not going to be disrespectful to my step mom especially not in her own house. He said dad you just don't say things like that to a women period. He told him believe me dad women are already hard on themselves they don't need their husbands to point out their weight issues. My DH told me he's guessing his dad doesn't care if he ever gets "it" again by the way he talks to his step mom.

I have a divorced brother who is dating again and he was with this wonderful women. He complained to me that she was putting on some weight. I told him whatever you do don't say anything to her about it. My DH said I bet he blows it.. I bet he points it out to her. Well sure enough they broke up a week later. My ding bat brother told her she was getting fat and it wasn't at all attractive. Dumped him like the dog doo he is. You just don't say anything.

dmeyrich89

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

If you can make it work for you, more power....

Personally, the risk that she'd always have in the back of her mind that I saw her as this person I'd like to improve upon, rather than someone I love and accept as she is, is just too great.

Honestly, this brings up the fact that it really does depend on the type of relationship you personally have and how you both communicate to one another ...and what is best for your comfort level & how you feel about it all. Loving and respecting the body your S/O already has should always be #1 in my book.. but personally, with love and respect I figure comes caring for physical wellness; if he were to end up having health complications later on down the road due to never having motivation to get fit.. it would tear me apart! If I can do something now in our lives to ensure a long, healthy future together then I'm all for it. :-)

My relationship is a lot like yours. I am getting married next summer and my fiance bought me a personal trainer for our 4 year anniversary. I never took it as a bad thing only that he felt comfortable with telling me and that he was honest with me because I didnt notice how bad I looked. Good for you that you are comfortable in a relationship like that.

kaigausista

You have a lot of good advice given here. It's great that you're concerned but I'd just like to add... I just think that maybe it would also be good if you don't compare your wife to other women. When you do that you'll never be satisfied with how she looks. She may lose weight and look fit but if you keep comparing her to someone else she'll never be the right size in your eyes. Everyone is different and we come in different shapes and sizes. Asking her to look like someone else is impossible. Our body go through so much changes (especially after child birth) and as we get older changes happen. Appreciate her. Chances are if you keep having this expectation that 'it'll be cool' if she looks like mrs/ms X you'll always think she's big even if she has lost weight.

karrielynn80

I do not think it is impossible - i think it depends on your relationship and how you approach it.

I'm not saying she might not be a lil hurt, i'd be hurt if it had to be pointed out to me by that my husband may not think i'm the finest woman on the planet - esp by him - but if my husband said it (and he has in the past) in the right context (like when i bring up any subject pertaining to weight,exercise, healthy living, how good some other girl looks, etc) I'd know it was coming from the right place.

However, back in the day, when all of the above was 150% on spot, i still just felt bad & it would only motivate me for a second - simply b/c as a wife I build my life around my hubs & his schedule. I don't want to get out of bed when he's still there, i don't want to sacrifice our carpool time to go solo to the gym, i don't want to eat out less or differently b/c he's not - so all that being said, i'd say your safest bet is to either suggest you BOTH get all around healthier or bring it up, point it out & say you'd like to do it together.

you guys got unhealthy together (whether you reflect it or not) why not get healthier again together.

Ps (and a shameless plug for lifting) strength training is something you could do together & would have great results along with good eating habits ...

jknoell

I agree with most on here that say there is no good way to go about talking to her. My husband has - in many different ways - tried to talk with me about my weight gain and I can tell you that no matter how calm the conversation is and how much I understand that my health is his first concern, it will always be in the back of my mind that he might not find me AS attractive as he used to. On bad days, this means that he hates the way I look. That suspicion is always there. My suggestion: encourage her to cook healthy meals with you. Encourage her to share meals at restaurants with you. Encourage her to take extra walks with you after dinner or show her some things in the gym that you like to do. All you can really do is stay active with her and find new activities you both can do together to burn extra calories. As she gets older, he body will hold the weight differently and parts of the body will begin to get bigger and/or sag... just be very supportive and tell her you love her.