Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

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  • faefaith
    faefaith Posts: 433 Member
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    Another suggestion is to allow your perceptions to shift about the lower half of her body. Notice something you like about her legs, her butt, and her lower tummy and see if that helps ya.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    As a woman who has been married for 26 years, let me give you a bit of advice: don't tell her anything except that you love her and find her sexy as he!!. But feel free to suggest things nicely like "I'd love to not only do this marathon, but do it with you. How about we train together?" or "let's go for a walk after dinner".

    Been married 25 years and agree - she knows if she is heavier. I would try to incorporate more activity in your relationship, it may be the incentive and push that she needs

    She may NOT know. I got up to 263 pounds before I woke up. And loving comments from hubby helped me in the long run.
  • MerBear1985
    MerBear1985 Posts: 131
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    I don't know about outright telling her, as you said, that is probably not a good idea. My brother just came right out and said that I gained weight. I was taken aback but it was true so nothing I could really do. Why get upset...it's true! The conversation went something like this:

    "Hey bro it's good to see you!"

    "Hey sis, you've gained some weight since you were here last."

    *Hugs*

    "I know, I am working on it."

    The End. I don't recommend this approach. However, I know that when I bring up the things I don't like about me I have a male friend who tells me I will just have to work on it, or that I know what I have to do, or something that is more constructive than just telling me that I am a little fluffy (then again I think he likes it when women are a little fluffy and not too lean) and a little more helpful than just telling me I don't need to and that I am beautiful/sexy the way I am. That might be true, but I know I got caught in the "Honey, you are so beautiful" trap and that is how I gained my "comfort weight".

    I guess my advice, if you can find it in this jumble, is to maybe encourage her if she brings it up but otherwise just continue to encourage being active and eating healthy.
  • mesdancer
    mesdancer Posts: 2
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    Put yourself in her shoes. Read your letter again. Would you like it if she posted to millions of people on MFP about you? I would be furious if my husband posted something like this about me.

    Did you just post this for to get support for yourself? To ease your guilt?

    If you really want to help her, it is very simple. Just cook healthy meals for her, walk with her, hug her, and tell her how much you love her.
  • kingpt11
    kingpt11 Posts: 27
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    Of course there's a way. i bet you find her beautifull with or without some extra pounds.

    So, why motivation? Because she needs to eat healthy and thus, you guys can stay even more years married.
    Try that.

    And if you are the one that is giving her pointers on how to train and eat (poor you), she must look at you has her personal trainer, and not has her hubby.
  • ladykaisa
    ladykaisa Posts: 236 Member
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    When I ask my husband "Do I Look Fat" I expect an honest answer. Which I get.

    When I commented "Why can't I pull off that kind of dress?" Pointing to a lovely, form fitting, striped dress, He answered with "Cuz you're fat".

    It was honest.

    I've mentioned to him how I wish he'd eat healthier, and how it pisses me off when he eats my WEEK"s woth of nuts because he got snacky. I've even told him that he's put on too much weight. Then I had "couple tiem" with him.

    Saying that, that's our relationship. Going about this would depend on what kind of relationship you two have. I think training together for the marathon would be an awesome idea.
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
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    I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

    If she's already doing all of this, she sounds like an amazingly healthy and fit woman. I wouldn't flat out tell her what you'd like her to change, but like you said just train with her on the triathlon and focus on that. :)
  • Nysie5
    Nysie5 Posts: 215 Member
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    Just enough that, when I see a woman with a more toned stomach, rear end, and/or legs, I think, "It would be cool if my wife had that figure."

    Do you think she doesn't look at other men and admire some part of their body and think the same thing? Would it bother you if she hinted that you needed bigger abs, more of a 6 pack, tighter *kitten*, bigger...... (well, you get my point)?

    You say she works out so she's health conscious and I'd bet my left arm that she knows her hips/*kitten* are bigger than they were 20 years ago. Trust me, she is aware and I bet she's thinking how lucky she is to have a wonderful supporting husband who loves her despite time adding cushioning to her.

    Don't burst her bubble. She's accepted you for who you aged into, she deserves the same.


    This happened to me, very recently, my boyfriend, who i had just moved in with, i noticed him being a bit distant, so i asked him to tell me whats up, to be honest, and he finally points out my tummy (yup, im a big girl, have been all my life) he thought he'd be motivating me or who the heck knows what he was thinking, he isnt mister fit either.. all he accomplished that day was busting my bubble, i thought i had someone who cared about me for me, but deep down he wants his perfect woman, so at all cost avoid the busting of any bubbles, it took me a long time to get over what he said to me, look past it and work on myself, well then, now that i brought up one of the worse days of my life.. ima go :cry: :sad:
  • youcandooeet
    youcandooeet Posts: 104 Member
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    Bad idea. Change the way you eat and train together, keep your mouth shut.
  • bleacheblonde
    bleacheblonde Posts: 333
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    I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

    ^^ I think that is a good idea! That's pretty much the only approach you can "win" with. You don't sound like a jerk...my fiance is very much not a jerk, but I know that he wants me to lose weight because when I'm this size, I'm unhappy, and he wants me to be happy (and sexy, of course). I have old pictures of myself 50 pounds lighter hung up on my mirror as motivation, and sometimes he will comment that he can't wait until I'm that size again or something like that. And no matter how nice he says it or what he says, I have to remind myself not to get mad at him because it will ALWAYS be interpreted in my mind as "Yeah...but right NOW, you're fat."

    Keep focusing on all the things that are awesome about her right now. And maybe take the approach of working out together or getting in shape together. That might be the only way she won't take it wrong :) But every woman isdifferent and some are more sensitive than others about weight. Good luck!
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Encourage her to exercise with you. Think of fun things to do. Try to make healthier, low cal dinners you can both enjoy.
  • crystalflame
    crystalflame Posts: 1,049 Member
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    It's tricky to do it the right way, but there is a right way. If she's self-conscious about it, I'm sure she'll say something out loud about "I can't believe I've gone up a size" or "I hate how my butt looks in these pants." You can say something like "I'll help you work on that, if you want." But make it clear you're supporting her so she can be happier, not because you're unhappy with the way she looks.
  • rcthale
    rcthale Posts: 141
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    No. Fitness requires internal motivation.
  • 2012asv
    2012asv Posts: 702 Member
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    Seriously.
    Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

    Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

    that just made me LOL! Prob because its true.... I like the idea though just get more involved with physical activities you can both do, hopefully that will lead to a gained interest in health and fitness. Good luck!
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
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    Encourage her to exercise with you. Think of fun things to do. Try to make healthier, low cal dinners you can both enjoy.

    I agree.
    Problem is, this woman exercises regularly and it's still not good enough for him.
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
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    I'd also like to add this. My husband is super supportive of my weight loss/healthy lifestyle, but he is blunt and has hurt my feelings. Recently he said "I don't want to see you reach 200lbs again". Yes, this hurt my feelings a little. Why? Because the man married me at 270lbs so in a way I wanted to say "why does it matter? did you not love me then?" I didn't because I know obviously I'm more attractive physically now than I was almost 100lbs ago. I am healthier. I am happier. He doesn't want to see me take steps back when I've already come so far. It DID hurt my feelings a little, but at the same time, I understand why he said it. :)
  • Linda_Darlene
    Linda_Darlene Posts: 453 Member
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    I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

    This!
  • xxeileenmarie
    xxeileenmarie Posts: 3 Member
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    i think that it's very natural for people to want their mates to remain fit, healthy, and attractive over time. i note that you defend your actions and choose your words carefully, because you think your desires will be perceived as rude and shallow. i want to preface my answer by saying that i don't think those are your motives, and there's no judgement from me.

    that being said, if you have to ask about how someone that you know better than we do will take this opinion, i'd say its best not to ask at all. that doesn't mean that you can't have a hand in helping her to change though. try to modify the habits that both of you have - while still making sure to communicate that you still find her beautiful and sexy.

    it looks like the main problem is diet, since you said she works out 4-5 times a week. the best way to address this is to have an active hand in it - cook a healthy and filling dinner for her. yes, that means eating better yourself as well. she's not the only one who will have to make sacrafices to get what you're asking for! you can also make your free time together more active.

    that being said, our bodies do naturally start to look worse as we age, so be patient and preare to continue to love the same woman in a slightly larger frame, because that may be what happens.
  • melb2003
    melb2003 Posts: 198
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    I'm one of the lucky ones I guess. My husband and I have lost weight together since January of this year. He's lost 85 lbs and I've lost 58 lbs. If she isn't already into the idea of living a healthier lifestyle, ANY way that you say, hey why don't you lose weight, you're going to sound like a jerk. Before Christmas, I really wanted to make a change and I told my husband that I wanted to be healthier and not feel like crap all the time. We got gym memberships and never looked back. There have been a few times we've both fell off the wagon, but one of us reached out to the other and asked for help to get back on track.

    You're in a tough position and I wish there was a way to tell a woman, hey want to go to the gym or eat better, without coming across in our heads as you're telling me I'm fat. Good luck and I would maybe start making small comments about eating healthy for EVERYONE and exercising for EVERYONE in the family. If you don't single her out, maybe it won't come across as harsh.

    Good luck!!
  • markymarrkk
    markymarrkk Posts: 495 Member
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    No. tell her you DON'T want her to workout cuz it makes you jealous. She will then start working out

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