Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

jenihullett

My husband was actually one of the driving forces behind me losing weight. He's always been active, and he became even more active after joining the Army. I had gained 30 lbs in almost 3 months after losing a family member (yay grief weight!) and he sat me down, told me that he loved me, that he thought I was beautiful, BUT he wanted us to be able to spend a long and happy life together. He was worried about my health. That hit home for me. He was super supportive when I first started trying to get fit, and couldn't even walk a mile without huffing and puffing towards the end. As my fitness increased, so did his encouragement. Now, we go jogging together!!

You just need to approach her in the right way. Nobody knows her better than you. Just make sure that you communicate that you're approaching her out of LOVE, not out of some physical preference. Being active and eating healthy together is also a great way to get her started. Make healthy living a joint activity.

TheRealParisLove

Yes! Positive reinforcement only! Find out what motivates her, and exploit that motivation. For me, it is fashion. If my husband offers to take me shopping because I'm looking oh-so-good, this will help me to redouble my efforts.

For other people its video games. For some it is vacation, or to get pregnant, or a spa day, or a new pet, or a kitchen remodel.

Find out what is her most intrinsic motivation for losing and getting into shape, then find ways to subtly exploit those motivations. Some people need a drill sergeant and react well to being shouted at. I would go all Chuck Norris and round-house kick my husband in the throat if he tried to motivate me like that.

1. If she is not working out or eating right, treat that behavior like a fart in an elevator. Pretend it never happened and know you will be out of the situation soon.

2. When she does eat right and work out, find not obvious ways to compliment her efforts. Subtly is KING! If she likes to read trashy romance novels, maybe have one or two at the ready when she has had a particularly good workout or meal plan and reward her with a sumptuous read for her efforts. Say something like, "I know you are trying really hard, and I'm so proud of you. You deserve to relax a bit, I don't know if you've read this one yet, but here is a book I thought you might like." Then walk away! Don't belabor the point because that comes across as nagging. Reward, then drop the subject.

Basically, you need to make an effort to "manage from below" or the "art of cat herding." You have to find ways to motivate her that she is naturally drawn to, as opposed to motivation through negative means and strong discouragement. Just think about it in the context of how you get your boss to do things your way.

3foldchord

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

And so what exactly would be the problem you want her fix??

A wise man once said.... "Whatever your spouse is now, THAT is what you should have as your standard of beauty,"

Something like that...

For example, when a lady got married to her husband her standard of handsome may have been a head of thick curly hair.... Her husband is 38 years old and balding... Guess what, her standard of handsome is no longer thick curly hair..... Or she will be forever disappointed.

This does mean we don't support and motivate our loved ones to be healthy, but you don't expect them to look like they did when they were 21 nor hope they try to get back to it.

Bambi0ne

Say nothing that will hurt her. I've lost 40 pounds, gone from a pant size 16 to an 8 and my darling Husband said last week, " don't take this as criticism but you need to loose weight around your waist area." I can't tell how much this hurt me. Just ask her to go with you to the gym or other activities.

Wuggums

I will seriously LMAO if she's working out all week trying to get him motivated.

^^^ Amen! Everyone has different genes and carries their weight differently, especially as they get older. Seems like your wife is pretty healthy as it is - and isn't "healthy" more important than "skinny"? Besides, I'm sure you don't have the body of a 20-year old stud muffin anymore. And you'd probably feel a bit hurt if she told you all of a sudden that she wished you would lose a few pounds and developed a six-pack and an awesome "V"

JenniBaby85

You have a lot of good advice given here. It's great that you're concerned but I'd just like to add... I just think that maybe it would also be good if you don't compare your wife to other women. When you do that you'll never be satisfied with how she looks. She may lose weight and look fit but if you keep comparing her to someone else she'll never be the right size in your eyes. Everyone is different and we come in different shapes and sizes. Asking her to look like someone else is impossible. Our body go through so much changes (especially after child birth) and as we get older changes happen. Appreciate her. Chances are if you keep having this expectation that 'it'll be cool' if she looks like mrs/ms X you'll always think she's big even if she has lost weight.

True story. Very VERY true story

rocknrolljunkie_

No one here can speak for your wife but as many have already said I'd err on the side of caution here. Encourage the triathalon training idea and praise her for all the things you love about her. You catch more flies with honey and all that Chances are good that she already has some negative thoughts about the areas that could use some improvement and you pointing out those areas will likely just make her feel bad (or worse if she already feels even a little self-conscious). I know I don't need anyone drawing my attention to the areas that could use improvement. I'm my own worst critic. If she's going to change anything, she'll need your love, understanding and support. But she'll also need to come to the realization that she's ready to change on her own. She's already indicated an interest in making some changes. So she's opened the door for you to encourage her and be her biggest cheerleader - take that route. I think it's hugely important to always be kind to your partner. I'm always amazed when people have kinder words for complete strangers than they do for the people they love most in the world. You can't unsay anything that comes out in an unkind way and she can't unhear it.

So, kudos to you for thinking this through before blurting something out and (unintentionally) hurting her feelings! It sounds to me like you adore your wife, imperfections and all. You da man!!

brit024

A previous poster talked about motivation. When my husband compliments me on something i've already done "awesome job keeping up with your workouts, I'm proud of you for working so hard - I know you are busy" it goes 10X further than him trying to push me to lose weight by saying something like "did you work out today?" "really, M&M's, really?" - haha. Anyways, diet/nutrition is MORE than half the battle. You said she is active, but what does dinner look like at your house? How often do you eat out? My husband and I (mostly because of Dave Ramsey) have been making the shopping list together every week before we go to the grocery store, and we plan out the meals together. We go on allrecipes.com and search for healthy recipes and we take turns cooking, then we take that meal to work with us the next day so we're not eating out. Also, we haven't had cable in 1.5 years - although we still use netflix and watch the 6 free channels, it has significantly cut down on the time we spend on the couch. Another good point is to compliment your wife frequently - make honest comments about things you like physically about her - it will motivate her to want to stay/get into shape. Lastly- make time to get active with her, Whether it is training for a marathon or going for a one hour walk around town at night. Getting active together will improve your communication in addition to having health benefits.

fit4lifeUcan2

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

that just made me LOL! Prob because its true.... I like the idea though just get more involved with physical activities you can both do, hopefully that will lead to a gained interest in health and fitness. Good luck!

Comes a time you've got to realize that older happens. If that means less attractive for you, I can understand.
Eventually though you have to decide if you're going to shop for a younger model or grow old with the one you have.

If someone were killing themselves with food and inactivity, I'd understand trying to motivate change, but for purely esthetic reasons...no. Just pray she can keep tolerating you when you get hairy ears and that old man smell.

Or as my husband is telling me to post... wait till your sacks are sagging or you get the old man boobs going on. Would you like it if she asked you to get a man boob job? Or get your you know whats lifted so they don't hang so low? Sorry DH and I were just laughing about how the body changes as we age and men don't really get all that better with age.. not from the neck down anyway. Men need to look at their back ends in the mirror as they age. Its not all that pretty over a certain age. Just saying.

TheRealParisLove

Oh! I just read that you are mid-40's.

Hmmmm, I'd be willing to bet that you have a few wrinkles and rolls and maybe a little less hair on your head and a little more in your ears and on your back.

We get older, and our bodies show it. How would you feel if your wife approached you with complaints about your aging looks? Yes, Jane Fonda looks terrific for a woman in her 70's. But she is one in 7 billion. Most of us age normally.

AmyFett

Just tell her you're worried about her weight and health issues that can go along with it. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. Maybe she'll realize that it's something she should do. I've been harping on my husband for it, first nicely, now I'm mean about it and he's actually considering it. His doctor told him to diet because of his blood pressure and weight. In the end, you can't help someone if they don't want to be helped. They need to realize it for themselves.

misteranonymous

Thanks everyone. I appreciate that some of you were able to see that I do, in fact, love my wife very much and appreciate all of the many wonderful things about her. I was asking about a very small detail in our life together, kind of like someone noticing a leaf blower in the distance on a beautiful, peaceful, quiet summer day. It doesn't mean they aren't having the time of their life. I chose this forum of discussion because I felt it would be a way to get some meaningful, anonymous feedback with zero chance of hurting my wife's feelings. Don't forget, none of you know the first thing about either one of us other than the abstracted details that I shared. At the same time, I take no offense at those of you who assumed I was just another pig. It's natural, especially in this setting, and I intentionally hid all personal details that might have cast me in a more complimentary light.

In reading the responses, I have become convinced of what I already suspected, that my best approach is to say nothing in particular to my wife about what I perceive to be her physical shortcomings. I am more convinced than ever that no good would come of it. A few of you have suggested that it should be possible, but I must admit that I know my wife well enough to know that it wouldn't be the right approach for us. However, many of you have provided insights and suggestions that I will seriously take to heart. Although I do try to eat well and stay healthy, I must admit that I eat a lot of food when I'm home, both at dinner and later in the evening. I've told myself that I need the calories to recover from my ride home after work, but the truth is that I'm not making it easy for my wife and daughters to eat healthy portions and avoid late-night snacking. I'll just try eating a couple energy bars before my ride or choose something else in lieu of second helping at dinner and a PBJ before going to bed. I'll also increase my commitment to exercising with my wife and training for events together. In the end, I can honestly say that I'd choose the life I have now with the wife that I love over any relationship with anyone else in the world, no matter how fit they may be. Thank you all for reminding me of that fact. If even one other man happens upon this thread and comes to a similar realization and even one wife or girlfriend is spared an insensitive comment about their body, I'll consider it more than worth the abuse that I have brought upon myself by starting this thread.

For you women who might be interested in motivating your man to get into better shape, you should not assume that your man will react to criticism the same way you might. Some of us are simpler creatures and respond to much simpler motivations. I had a friend in graduate school whose wife said once during sex, "You're kinda squishing me and making it hard for me to breath." He promptly lost about 80 lbs and has been very fit ever since. In the end, if we are honest with ourselves, as I have been encouraged to be, I think most of us know what will hurt and what will motivate our significant others. We should just be sure that the actions we choose are, in fact, intended to motivate and not to hurt. Again, thanks everyone. I won't post again, but I'll probably check in a little later to see where this has gone. It is now officially out of my hands.

kobiemom

Focus on "healthy" and not on weight or looks. If you're both in your forties, use this article as a conversation opener: http://news.yahoo.com/hoping-healthy-seniors-years-fit-50-211800501.html. It's about getting fit by fifty to decrease your chances of chronic health problems in later life. Make it about you - as in: you've read this article and decided to eat right and get more exercise so that you'll be around longer. Let her connect the dots. She already knows what's up. Believe me.

sss1966

Ifm husband had ever said anything to me, I think it would definitely have made me rebel, and probably eat more, or totally not give a *kitten*. If you were to talk about your own fitness, how you want to get fitter and do more exercise etc, if she is feeling that she is a bit larger than she would like, it would give her the opportunity to join in with you, doing something together, without her feeling pushed into it.

leomom72

then leave her the hell alone if she does not want to change..

JenniBaby85

And so what exactly would be the problem you want her fix??

A wise man once said.... "Whatever your spouse is now, THAT is what you should have as your standard of beauty,"

Something like that...

I saw that one too!

dfisher516

No! Be thankful for the wife you have. If anything, just quietly lead by example with your own fitness plan. Trying to convince her to diet would be hurtful and would be about as successful as trying to PUSH a rope!

BruceDaley

Of course! Start calling her pork chop as an endearment.

It_never_ends

What if you say you want to get in shape and ask her to work out with you as a couple thing? Also change your diet so hers changes as well. She will lose weight, get in shape and you never said a word. It just looks like you wanted to spend time with her. Just a thought. I know if my guy said "I would like you to lose weight" I would probably stop eating. Even if you still find her attractive when you say that to a woman you might as well just say "your a fat cow and I find you unattractive." Were a bit sensitive.

ShellBell4281

Nope! Don't say anything. Your wife is well aware of the extra weight, I'm sure. The lower body and tummy are really hard to firm up.

loves03

If your husband could have written this (and trust me, he didn't), then let me speak for your husband and say that 99.9% of the time he isn't at all worried or concerned about your imperfections, but instead appreciates all of the wonderful things that make the two of you happy together. He is busy appreciating everything that you do for him - the way you make him laugh, the many things you do to make his life more enjoyable, the great sex, the ways you make him want to be a better person, the moments you get to spend alone, and all of the other ways that you enrich his life. When he see's you in the nude, his eyes are instantly drawn to the parts of you that he loves best and his mind very quickly goes to the fun you two could have together (even if the kids are in the next room). When he does notice a small flaw here and there (and I'm not saying he does), he immediately feels bad for even noticing and reminds himself that he is lucky to be with you. If he notices that another woman is a bit fitter than you are, he instinctively reminds himself of everything in your life that makes it difficult for you to stay in perfect shape and assumes that the other woman doesn't have to worry about the same challenges. What I'm saying is that, just because men may sometimes notice imperfections in their wives and even if they are occasionally neanderthal enough to actually mention such imperfections to their wives (or start a cowardly internet thread discussing the issue in abstract), that doesn't mean that these men are constantly critiquing their wives or girlfriends or that they are unhappy in any way. I clicked "reply" without looking closely at your profile picture or other photos (so I can't say from personal observation), but you should trust that your husband finds you beautiful and sexy and know that you are much more aware of and obsessed with your imperfections that he is. Mostly, he's just happy you're there.

You sound very nice. I can tell you really love your wife And I agree with most of the others....don't say anything that will be hurtful.

chubbygirl253

Suggest you guys get in shape together. Maybe you don't need to lose weight but you could use some toning up. Talk about what you would like to achieve for yourself. Leave her body and her goals out of it. Suggest starting slow like taking a yoga clas TOGETHER. Or suggest an activity that you know might help her areas that needed targeted the most. Like cycling to tone butt and legs.

You can be very supportive by doing it with her. And as she feels empowered by her success she will probably find other ways to reach the next level, like diet. My fiance is so wonderful and supportive. When I told him I was starting this diet, he started one too. He congratulates me on every pound lost or milestone. He supports me through all my challenges and struggles. He is my biggest cheerleader. He never once said I need to lose weight but he's with me every step of the way. I know he loves me for who I am, whether I lose another pound or not. Just be generous with the affection and praise and you should be fine.

Robinvan38

If you think she doesn't know, take a photo, but never say a word about her being overweight. Secondly, be aware that decreasing hormones play a big role on how the calories are metabolized. It may not be her her fault and there may not be anything she can do short of starvation. I could not loose weight until I read the book "Why we get fat and what to do about it" by Gary Taubes. After reading it, I immediately dropped 10 pounds without trying (and quit exercising so hard). Maybe pick up the book for you to read (and if you're lucky she will want to read it too). You also should know that there will ALWAYS be woman out there that are younger or have a more perfect shape. Be careful not to compare. And one more thing, I like your picture-I would be afraid to show my face too-lol.

polishmehappy

To the original poster:

You sound like a kind husband and you really don't want to hurt your wife. Hats off to you!

No matter how kind you are or how good your intentions may be, the probability that she will be hurt if you bring up the issue is very likely to happen. We women are that way

But...you can adress the issue in a roundabout way. Be clever! Take care of yourself, your own body, your nutrition, your heart health, by eating right and staying active. Before you know it your spouse will join you:)

And then when she does, don't say "I'm so glad you joined me in this..." No. Take her to a department store to shop for clothes (and shoes if possible). Make her feel sexy, beautiful, wanted. Make love to her until your joints hurt and sweat covers your sheets. Love her more each day, reward her for what she is doing for herself and for you:)

It might all be really a lot easier than you think Good luck!

JenniBaby85

Thanks everyone. I appreciate that some of you were able to see that I do, in fact, love my wife very much and appreciate all of the many wonderful things about her. I was asking about a very small detail in our life together, kind of like someone noticing a leaf blower in the distance on a beautiful, peaceful, quiet summer day. It doesn't mean they aren't having the time of their life. I chose this forum of discussion because I felt it would be a way to get some meaningful, anonymous feedback with zero chance of hurting my wife's feelings. Don't forget, none of you know the first thing about either one of us other than the abstracted details that I shared. At the same time, I take no offense at those of you who assumed I was just another pig. It's natural, especially in this setting, and I intentionally hid all personal details that might have cast me in a more complimentary light.

Really? Because I don't like hating people, so maybe you should put yourself in a more complementary light....

ajamesquinn

Been there, tried that and the answer is a big NO.

dbanks80

For you women who might be interested in motivating your man to get into better shape, you should not assume that your man will react to criticism the same way you might. Some of us are simpler creatures and respond to much simpler motivations. I had a friend in graduate school whose wife said once during sex, "You're kinda squishing me and making it hard for me to breath." He promptly lost about 80 lbs and has been very fit ever since.

I told my husband that and he said "Oh Well" !!! :laugh:

MzNiz

Better to drop subtle hints to her. "Hey babe, I'm headed over to the gym. I'd love it if you joined me" Etc etc.

Yes this. Find ways to be more active together. Hopefully it works and you both get the results you are looking for. Also, sex can burn a lot of calories, and what is wrong with more sex.

msprouse8

Jus don't give her a "membership" to a gym for Christmas like mine did to me about 8 years ago....SO not cool.

misteranonymous

Thanks everyone. I appreciate that some of you were able to see that I do, in fact, love my wife very much and appreciate all of the many wonderful things about her. I was asking about a very small detail in our life together, kind of like someone noticing a leaf blower in the distance on a beautiful, peaceful, quiet summer day. It doesn't mean they aren't having the time of their life. I chose this forum of discussion because I felt it would be a way to get some meaningful, anonymous feedback with zero chance of hurting my wife's feelings. Don't forget, none of you know the first thing about either one of us other than the abstracted details that I shared. At the same time, I take no offense at those of you who assumed I was just another pig. It's natural, especially in this setting, and I intentionally hid all personal details that might have cast me in a more complimentary light.

Really? Because I don't like hating people, so maybe you should put yourself in a more complementary light....

It's okay. You can hate me. After all, I'm just a picture of a guy with a paper bag over his head and a cowardly use name. Just don't assume that anyone you actually know has any of the same negative traits that you ascribe to me. They probably don't.