Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

misteranonymous

Still listening...Thank you.

ahmommy

I think you've made a very honest post about how you feel and it's understandable. But none of us are your wife, or at least I know from your details that I'm not I'd like to think that I would receive loving criticism from my husband well, I know that I would not. My self esteem is fragile, it always has been. It's better now than it used to be, in large part because he has always maintained that I am beautiful and sexy to him, through two pregnancies and all the ups and downs. Since I'm so hard on myself, I need his reassurance.

Now, with that being said, I don't expect him to lie to me if I ask him a direct question. If I'm not prepared to hear the truth, I shouldn't ask. Whether or not he actually tells me the truth or not, that's on him. But if I ask if my jeans look okay and they don't, I'd rather know that than leave the house looking bad.

I don't kid myself into thinking I'm the only one my husband sees. I'm no idiot, and men are very visual. It would hurt to know if he looked at other women and wished I looked more like them, but I'd rather that than him actually wanting to go elsewhere and be with those other women. I'm honest enough with myself to recognize that I look at other women and wish I'd look more like them, so why wouldn't he?

Anyway, I'm not sure where exactly I was going with this. I don't think there's a safe way to approach your wife on this one. It sounds like she's pretty active, so keep encouraging her in that. You can also start requesting healthier meals, presumably for your sake, and that will help her eat more healthily as well. As the PP suggested, cook for her. That's a bonus all around

AliciaStinger

I'm an unmarried 21-year-old -- but, if this helps at all, I am a woman. If you can't ask her to join you on your weight loss/health journey (for fear that she'll take it the wrong way or that you'll look like a pig) here are some suggestions:

MAKE MOVING FUN - Team sports or tag are great for this; everyone knows they're being active, but it's fun. If getting all your friends/coworkers/neighbors to form teams isn't something you want to do (and I don't blame you), you can behave playfully or competitively around your wife. Maybe pick up a frisbe or, I don't know, race to the front door when you guys get home. I know, the five seconds or so between the car and the door probably won't be enough to help her lose weight, but it's better than nothing. Perhaps invite her to come with you when you go biking, or whatever you're into. Maybe you can go somewhere (like hiking or biking in a natural/scenic area) as a date -- or maybe, next time you go out together somewhere local, you can suggest walking there.

CHANGE EATING HABITS - Find a way to get more of her favorite healthy foods in the house, or try eating out less if you guys eat out regularly. Maybe you could start a MFP account for her, log her day, and show her what it looks like. I did that for my dad, and he realized that he wasn't working out enough to maintain his eating habits. If your wife shows interest in using MFP, set the weight loss goal on her account for a really low weight (as in 0.5 or 1 pound a week) so that she doesn't have to change from eating however she wants to only eating 1200 calories a day. Also, even though you're trying to be kind and considerate in how/why you motivate her to lose weight, you may wish to delete this post if she does join MFP. ;-)

MOTIVATE HER - I like it when people compliment me. If you notice that she has lost weight, you could try saying, "have you lost weight? You look really good!" implying (but not saying) that she would maybe look a little better if she were to lose some more. If she does get into losing weight, letting her know that you're proud of her and that she looks good may keep her motivated.

You may not be able to use all of these ideas...you know her/your relationship better than I do, so decide for yourself which ones you want to try. Good luck!

valeriebpdx

Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

This is the truth. My husband could have written this; I know he feels the same way. Most of the time he keeps his mouth shut; when he gets frustrated and says something it hurts my feelings and the relationship. It's hard to settle back in to a good sex life when I know we are both internally criticizing my body. I feel bad for him and think his disappointment is legitimate, and would like to be thin for a million reasons--he is just one of them--but I haven't been able to get it together yet. It's about being ridiculously busy, eating for reasons other than hunger, some lack of consistency re: exercise, and the fact that my husband likes to eat and keeps food that's hard for me in the house and doesn't wish to change his lifestyle in any way. Not excuses, just reasons, and ones I am still working on. Our extra pounds are probably not fair to you fitter partners in the marriage, but saying something to her won't change her body or her attitude if she's not ready to make the change but it will change the dynamic between you. Just the truth in my house.

RealWomenLovePitbulls

I would suggest you NOT eating large amounts of calories in front of her, whether u gain weight or not. Change your eating habits and perhaps hers will change with you, but don't expect her to do something that ur not willing to do. Suggest going on walks TOGETHER or maybe taking up bike riding TOGETHER, I wouldnt mention her weight, just that YOU want to be more active and do things together

HauteP1nk

From the sounds of things she is already very active....so if she isn't toning up or losing weight then the issue probably stems from a poor unbalanced diet. If you start focusing on your food maybe she will too.

Amber82479

YES, but it's not by asking. My suggestion would be to ask her to help you stay motivated. Get her to workout with you. Tell her you want to eat very healthfully and cook healthy meals together. Start weighing and measuring your portions (if you don't already) and encourage her to join in with you. Do it as a team and you'll have team results. Best of luck!

cramernh

Ummmmm, well... lets put it this way: How does that couch look to you? It might become your new home after your wife gets done with you, lol!

In all seriousness though... you cant. Its no different than someone saying "how do I convince my friend she needs to lose weight?" "how do I convince my sister?" or whatever the relation is... You simply - cant - do that.

Each person has to come to their own realization. Otherwise it could be disasterous.

kaigausista

The first time my husband commented on my weight I was really upset. He tried to tell me that in the nicest way possible and I still got upset. Maybe because he was true and I was in denial. I mean I know I've gained weight and I definitely don't like it but he didn't have to say it. Although what he said hurts it made me realize I needed to do something. He learned his lesson and now we only talk about it if I brought up the topic. Now every woman is different some may take it well others not so well.... chances are she may not. I agree with everyone that say that you just have to find something fun you love to do together.... going to the gym, walk etc. Some of the things my husband did after that was he tried to come up with ways to motivate me. If I have started working out he'll buy me new workout outfits without me asking. If I have started a new diet he'll ask if he could do it too. It made me feel like I was in charge of the whole weight loss thing. Sometimes just after a week of dieting/exercise he'll comment on how much I've lost (even if the scale says I haven't lost a thing). He was trying to keep me motivated. Your wife has already started working out, maybe instead of telling her to lose weight why not just motivate her on what she is already doing. Sometimes you don't have to say anything it's what you do that matters. Appreciate her for who she is and support her everytime she puts in the effort/work to lose weight.

Kenzietea2

If my husband became slightly unattracted to something I had the power to change, I'd want him to tell me. Start with the "lets get healthier together" thing. Ask her to be active with you. Go on hikes, walks, hit the gym together. I really don't know the nice way of saying she needs to lose the weight though. It is such a sensitive subject for women. Work on getting back to your wedding day shape and maybe she will see the change in you and want to get back there as well.

Rachlmale

Just slap her *kitten* and look at your watch... 'what are you doing?!'

Sorry babe just seeing how long it takes to stop.

You're not a jerk... I'd rather be told than know my partner was posting about my being a wide load however. Good luck.

PhilyPhresh

ashblonde1

Nightmare for you... this is unchartered territory for any person, and it is impossible to judge what her reaction would be.

Would I think you were a jerk if you made that comment to me? Well no, but my OH calls me 'Tubbs' when I start to get a little porky. This sounds like a terrible thing to do but the truth is that it is the only thing that works for me... I need someone to kick my backside every so often to get me off the couch and out running.

I personally think you are much better off exercising together, and really pushing yourselves towards a goal that is difficult to achieve... for you that may be the event. There will be plus sides, once you really get training, she will probably want to lose the extra pounds because running while a little chubby is just sooo difficult (I know because I have approx 30 Ibs to lose and am coping with that burden)!

I have to say that after 8 years with my OH, his opinion is the only one I care about. I bet she is the same.

Sounds like you have a great relationship, I am sure she wants you to be happy with her but more importantly she wants you to be happy with her because it makes her happy with herself.

Good luck!

laurenw1992

I really appreciate the comments. I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. The truth is that she is pretty fit. She runs, cycles, lifts weights and generally probably works out 4-5 times a week. I know, the more I praise her wonderful qualities, the more I realize that I just need to count my blessings, appreciate the good things (not the least of which is peace in our relationship) and not say anything. She's talked about training to do a triathlon together. Maybe I should just focus on that.

definately your best bet! focusing on this together will benefit your already wonderful relationship! I wish you both all the best

nc_moon_beam

As others have said, she already knows her body isn't perfect. Confirming this to her out loud would not be a wise idea.

Focus on the triathalon training and let the rest go.

californiagirl2012

It needs to be her idea. I'm so happy that my husband was patient with me when I was over weight. I had health issues and he helped me find a natureopathic doctor. He helped find ways to motivate me without telling me precisely, but he knew I was unhappy and wanted to be fit. He helped by keeping "trigger" foods and mindless snacks out of the house and ate healthy with me and supported my "mini meals" (I am small so require less food).

LOL I get this all the time now, guys see that my husband "got a new wife at age 50" (that would be me), and other guys approach me and want their wives to so the the same thing. Some of them forward my web page or FB profile as inspiration but the bottom line is it needs to be something she wants for herself.

kandienicole

Honestly all these people saying "there's absolutely no way" must not have a great, open sense of communication. Either that, or they are already so self conscious that they couldn't handle anyone else pointing out the obvious.

Now I'm definitely not saying it should be gone about in a blunt way, but if it's towards the betterment of both her health and physique, why not motivate both her and yourself to get more fit??

I have plenty of weight to lose and know it. My fiance has always been mildly interested in weight lifting and toning up but never really pursued it. As I lost weight and became "addicted" to fitness, I started noticing certain aspects that I thought my significant other could improve on as well. This doesn't mean I dislike his current, wonderful body, it just means that I'd love for us to both become as healthy and ridiculously sexy as possible together lol

I know talking to a guy about fitness can be easier in some respect, but I also wanted to approach the topic gently to ensure he understood I came from a place of love and happiness with him. To keep it simple, I asked him to workout with me. I LOVE it. It's probably one of the best decisions I've made, as we now push each other to keep up and laugh and have fun with fitness. I always joke about how amaaaazing my butt will look someday with repeated squatting and how his washboard abs are going to be sooo hot when we honeymoon in Hawaii next year.

Keeping things fun and sexy is totally the way to go. At least in my case xD Now we both enjoy every bit of getting fit together. And we're both honest and open about the areas we'd like to see ourselves improve in. I think approaching it like this allowed himself to be honest with the areas he wanted to work on, regardless of how he may have kept quiet about/ignored them in the past.

*Edited for a typo! lol there's always one..

^^^ 100 % agree with this post!! As I started to get really into fitness and health, I encouraged my husband to do the same. He is already in great shape due to the military requiring him to work out during the week, but I have grown such a love for working out and being healthy that I wanted him to be just as fit and healthy. We talked about it one night and he agreed...and he is SO happy with the improvements he is seeing in his strength and physique! I think as long as you do it in a way that is encouraging (i.e. "I feel so absolutely awesome about myself now that I am getting more and more into fitness! I'm so happy and I want to see if you would like to go down this road with me?") and shows that YOU feel great and just want to share that with her...it would be a good thing. I know if my husband was truly honest and said "Honey, I want you around as long as possible and you have put on weight..." I would know he wasn't trying to hurt me. BUT...that is JUST ME! I know plenty of women who would get upset and think their man was going to go cheat on them...but...I am lucky enough to be in a relationship where I truly believe my husband is always concerned with my best interest...and I am concerned for him in the same way! I really hope this helps!

JenniBaby85

Motivate. Yes. Encourage. Yes. But insult, degrade, or say "I wish you were an airbrushed porn star for me to ogle " NO.

I answered in the last thread too. If your wife cooks, then give her a break a few times a week and YOU cook something healthy. If you cook, just make all your meals healthy. Take her for walks, take her hiking, workout with her.
If you are not willing to work with her and help her, neither of you are going to get anywhere. If you think she needs to do everything in her power to please you, while you do nothing but tell her to lose weight, it won't work, and neither will the marriage.
Consider too, genetics, age, and is she HEALTHY. Because sometimes HEALTHY is not SKINNY, and sometimes SKINNY is completely UNHEALTHY.

I get so sick of men (and yes, women too) putting unrealistic standards of what the perceive to be "attractive" on their spouses and partners. Also, if you lose weight for someone else, and NOT yourself, you'll resent the people you are losing weight for.

beccarockslife

say nothing set the example, worked for me and my partner but it took a year of me changing my life and waxing lyrical about it subtly!

BarbellBlondieRuns

Don't talk to her about her trouble zones...

BUT - DO move forward with your common goal to do a triathlon. Tell her you want the two of you to do one together before you're both too darn old. lol. As you train for your triathlon, take up an interest in fueling your body in healthy ways. Learn how to cook healthy meals. As long as you're doing it for YOU and for the sake of your own training, she'll probably join you (and not be hurt by you). And just focus on how lucky you are that your wife is so amazing in so many ways.