really bad home issues... could use some help
Replies
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If you're only getting 20 hours try to work 2 jobs to get caught up since you dont have children. Go on more walks. Don't buy soda. It's a waste no matter what kind it is. And encourage your husband to work if he's not. That will lift some stress off your shoulders and get you out of your situation faster0
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The good news is: you've just been provided with a deadline. If your SIL is 2 months pregnant, you have 7 months to GET OUT of that situation. If you think it's bad now, it's going to be a thousand times worse once the baby is born.
You've received a ton of good advice here, starting with help yourself and ask for the help you need from other resources. Shelters, churches, food banks, and community health clinics are all out there. They will help. Get to work relaying those resources into a good, sustainable life for you and your husband.0 -
Just my .02
You are not going to get a lot of sympathy on this board.
MANY of us had to overcome a great multitude of problems to get where we are.
My own personal "sob story".
I own a house. Wife and two kids.
My wife lost her job when the company she worked for went belly up.
A few months later I lost my job when the company moved to India.
I was without a job for EXACTLY three days.
I went from making 60K a year with an office in the dot com industry to making $8.00 per hour installing fences. Working in the hot sun digging post holes and dealing with ex felons as my work mates.
I did what I had to do.
I worked as many hours as they would let me work.
We went from $400.00 per week on food to less then $200.00
My wife worked as many baby sitting jobs as she could.
Failure was simply NOT an option. Not with two little kids.
Now I am back as a programmer and my wife turned her "please let me babysit your kid" part time gig into her own little home day care. She is making 40K per year and working from home.
Your attitude MUST change.
Instead of you and your husband making excuses as to why you CAN'T do it, you need to look in the mirror, together, get pissed, and resolve that you WILL do it and you will DESTROY anything that gets in your way. Bad temper, DESTROY that bad temper. TAKE CONTROL!!!
BRAVO! :flowerforyou:0 -
You need to get out now! This is a family that is going nowhere and you don't need to be a part of it. If your husband wants to be part of your life the first requirement is a job. No job = no wife. I know this is harsh, but unless you want to continue living this way you need to make harsh decisions!0
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You can love someone and still not be able to deal with the way they choose to live their life.
The one thing I regret about leaving is I didn't do it sooner. So much time wasted.0 -
Wait....you married a guy who is bipolar who has only had a job for 2 months in his entire life?? Why??? What is the draw there? What is keeping you with him?
Seriously...leave. Go to a shelter for a roof over your head. Get a job. Any job. Get 3 jobs if you have to. Save enough money to rent an efficiency apartment and get some internet. Apply to college and take classes online. You will qualify for enough financial aid to cover everything at a community college. In 2 years you will have a degree that will get you a real job and enough to pay for your divorce. By the you will see why you need one.
I've been where you are at. I know what I'm talking about. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. ut it will make you the most proud that you have ever been of yourself.0 -
Watch the Paralympics, get some perspective about overcoming real adversity. Your in-laws are a bunch of lazy feckers and you're enabling them. What possessed you to marry a man who won't work??? Do you expect to have children with this man??? If it were me I would run for the hills!0
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Try checking local churches and groups to see if you qualify for free food boxes, the rest of the family may qualify as well.
This also.
My grandfather lost everything (home, half of his income, and his vehicles) when my grandmother died. A local church group helped him out a lot by donating food, clothes, and offering to take him in for a while until we could find housing for him. We eventually got him on food stamps and got some state aid also to help supplement his $600 per month income from social security, half of which went to paying for his medicare supplement insurance.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but don't be ashamed to ask for help from local organizations. Also, look at some of the state-run organizations to see if you qualify for any benefits. Try to save up some money and get on your feet with a new job and get your own place as soon as you can.
That being said, after reading your follow up comments, it seems like you're playing the victim a lot. Figure out what you can do to better your situation. If you have things you can sell that is worth anything (game console, TV, etc.), do it. Put that money towards getting your own place. Look for job opportunities anywhere you can. Get a resume put together. People hiring even for fast food jobs appreciate someone willing to put the effort into a good resume. It shows you take yourself seriously. Use whatever skills you have to make some money on the side. It can be anything from tutoring, babysitting, housesitting, dog walking, petsitting, etc. Just start asking around.0 -
I'm so sorry that your in that situation. I can't even begin to imagine. The only thing I can offer to help is to tell you to take a walk. I don't mean move out, but litereally take a walk. Everytime you get furstrated or need a little peace, talk a walk. 20 min here 30 min there. Getting outside and away will help your stress level and the benifits of walking to weight loss should be obvious. Its also FREE!
^^YES!0 -
You are not as powerless as you think. You have the power to choose to let these people control your life as you and your hubby choose to stay down and depend on these people who cannot support you. You can choose to believe that you need your parents or someone else to support and pay your way. You can continue to choose to be part of the Jerry Springer poster-family. CHOOSE is the operative word here.
OR You and your hubby can choose to get up, get out, and do something. I have been in dire straights and needed to work two jobs plus have caregiving and housekeeping gigs on the side just to feed my children (I am a single mother). Babysit, mow lawns, clean houses. Go door to door at businesses until you find a job. Go to your employment office and look for work and job skill training there.
Stop telling yourself that you are helpless and take care of yourself. You don't need to mooch off of anyone because you have the power to step up. So what's stopping you (and your hubby for that matter)? Laziness? Fear? You can't afford to be discouraged and quit. Your family can't afford to support you, and your landlord can't afford to support all of you. GET OUT AND FIX YOUR SITUATION FOR YOURSELF. You are NOT powerless. Quit blaming others and take it on your shoulders (and get your hubby to do the same) and come back here and share your success.0 -
1. I would suggest developing a plan that provides you with a career beyond fast food. You will never make enough to live well on at a fast food joint.
2. As others have said, if the food stamps are yours, buy what you like. I am not suggesting you not share the food. I realize that is not reasonable. However, you can buy what you like.
3. Be the one to prepare the meals. Prepare what is good for your diet. The others can eat or starve.
4. I also know it is hard to eat healthy on food stamps. So, you might have to eat less and exercise more.
5. Develop a plan for getting out on your own. You need a goal and some sort of hope for the future.
Good luck!
Tena0 -
Consider this a free consultation with your friendly Social Worker:
The catalyst for change is you.
Start there. The rest will follow.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. Stop focusing on the others in your home and start thinking about what you can do.
Money is a problem - get a job. Any job. Any time night or day. Can't find one? Look into Network Marketing and work for yourself - Usborne Books and More (my personal favorite), Mary Kay, Tupperware, Nerium, Pampered Chef... There are a whole host of them and any good consultant will help you do what you need to build your own business.
Research foods that you can make yourself. Try Allrecipies.com, look for vegetarian recipes and think of meat as a seasoning rather than a main component. Dry beans are easy to fix, good on nutrients, and cheap.
And yes, talk a walk. Lots of walks. Use the time to envision your future, think of who you want to become, then plan how you can live to make that happen. And with all the drama, take hubby on at least half of them to give you two time to communicate.
^^
Well said0 -
Consider this a free consultation with your friendly Social Worker:
The catalyst for change is you.
Start there. The rest will follow.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. Stop focusing on the others in your home and start thinking about what you can do.
Money is a problem - get a job. Any job. Any time night or day. Can't find one? Look into Network Marketing and work for yourself - Usborne Books and More (my personal favorite), Mary Kay, Tupperware, Nerium, Pampered Chef... There are a whole host of them and any good consultant will help you do what you need to build your own business.
Research foods that you can make yourself. Try Allrecipies.com, look for vegetarian recipes and think of meat as a seasoning rather than a main component. Dry beans are easy to fix, good on nutrients, and cheap.
And yes, talk a walk. Lots of walks. Use the time to envision your future, think of who you want to become, then plan how you can live to make that happen. And with all the drama, take hubby on at least half of them to give you two time to communicate.
All of the above - I know its hard but nothing good comes free - except walking!!!0 -
It's a shame because I was going to suggest moving out too. That would be best for everyone involved. I know the economy is tough out there, but even a part time job at grocery store or something would start you on the right path0
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Wow! I am terribly sorry you are stuck in this situation. Of course I wish I could tell you to move out. I'd also like to tell you that your money from your new job is YOUR money, but it sounds like everyone is really pooling their money together there so it is probably out of the question suggest that you all be respoinsible for your own food (with the exception of your father in law maybe). Anyhow, as far as finding things that everyone likes...search for healthy kid friendly recipes! I know it sounds funny, but a lot of people who tend to eat comfort food and/or fast food appeal more to simpler foods that kids like. It's a good place to start. One thing I do that was so random to begin with, but now my husband and son love is I throw a bag of frozen vegetables into my spaghetti sauce. Usually green beans or broccoli. You can't really taste them b/c of the sauce, you are getting a serving of vegetables and they hardly add any calories.
One resource I would look into is Prevention Magazine's Flat Belly Diet. Many of the recipes are available on their site. The main goal of the diet is to create recipes that are 400 calories or less. If you are preparing meals for the whole family this would be good to shoot for! You can add me as a friend if you'd like!0 -
I'm starting to think this is a troll thread. Calling major bs on the OP
For the remainder of the day I shall call you Genius. I can't believe it took nearly 4 whole pages of posts before someone figured this out. OP is looking for foolish people to send her money, I bet the paypal account is all set up and ready for action.0 -
awe this sounds like a horrible situation, a bit odd that there are 6 adult and nobodys working. i would say if you are saying you absolutly must stay there then you need to comes to terms that that is how its gonna be. the only one that makes your future is you. i would agree with most if they are your food stamps then you should buy your own food. i really feel your not going to get much satisfaction staying in the situation your in. it maybe hard, maybe feel impossible but you can change your path if you really want it bad enough...best of luck0
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Im going to sound harsh, but quit catering to your inlaws. just stop. if your sis isnt paying for internet, put a password lock on it until she foots the bill. if they want junk, let them fork over the stamps for it. YOU are not responsible for the crap THEY want to est. like it or not, at some point youre going to have to tell them how its going to be. at one point after a hurricane, my mom and i, my aunt, uncle, two cousins, and grandparents all lived in a 2 bedroom house. if i didnt want what was for dinner, i went to mine and my moms section of pantry to fix my own meal. we had a rule: if you didnt buy it when you went grocery shopping you dont eat it. unless someone makes a family meal with it, dont touch my food.
your food stamps, your choice. you and your husband both need to put on some big boy/big girl pants and make the change.
Also, get off mfp if finances are so bad. you dont need medsage boards, you need coupons. of you arent actively using internet to search for a better life you dont need iy at all. find a job, primt coupons, or quit paying for internet when you cant afford the rent0 -
The question is, do you really want help, or are you wanting to vent and/or receive sympathy for your situation? Having been very similar to where you are now, living with in-laws, a (now ex) wife who is bi-polar AND a brother who is bi-polar (both diagnosed now) made for some pretty interesting days. I was the only one working in a house of 4-6 adults and 2-4 kids. I found out that money I gave my wife to pay the bills was being spent on her boyfriends when I went outside to go to work and my car was being towed away for non-payment.
I'm sure whatever sob story that can be told regarding hard times(that does not include abuse) I can either match or beat, so as far as sympathy is concerned...not gonna happen.
You say you've been looking for work since you were fired. Well, this may be true, but are you looking hard enough? Are you looking for ANY type of work or just jobs you think you can do? When out of work, anything is better than nothing. And more of anything is better than just a little anything. Employment services, online applications, temp. services, fast food, factory, office, mow lawns, hotel housekeeping, sell vacuum cleaners..whatever it takes.
Sounds like you don't have a vehicle. First thing...buy one. Buy a cheap, ugly, get you by for now car you find on Craigslist for a couple hundred dollars. Get what you need, not what you want right now because you want it paid off. Don't let anyone borrow it, or drive it for any reason. This is for you to get to and from work, that's it. It's also something you can live in if need be. Take the car to find a better job. When you're not working your part time job, you're looking for a full time job. When you're not working your full time job, you're looking for a part time job to go with the full time job if you don't already have one.
You're husband, if not diagnosed bi-polar, needs to be diagnosed. Then he needs on medication. Then he needs to get a job. I know this works, I've seen it. My brother can make money hand over fist when medicated....and broke as a person can be when not. Get on medication and stay on medication. If he's not truly bi-polar, then he needs to man up and take care of his wife. Period. Not much of a man if he doesn't.
Your focus should be getting your own place. Nothing fancy, just a place, furnished or not. Start out with a roof and walls and work your way up from there. Try to stay away from low rent apartments and trailer parks if at all possible. Find a single trailer or a duplex if you can. A lot of low rent apartments and trailer parks just breed drama. If those are your only choices, don't allow yourself to get caught up in the drama of the low rent life. Focus on getting up and out.
Start taking classes for anything. Business classes, child development, radiology tech, whatever field you can handle. Work, go to school, take online classes, whatever, just get some education.
Apply for a better job, preferably near the field you are studying. If you're taking child development classes, apply at a daycare. If you're studying to be a rad tech then work in the admissions office of a hospital until you can move up the ladder.
This is not an overnight thing, but it can happen and will happen if you want it to happen. Same thing with losing weight. You can lose weight in the situation you're in right now if you want to lose weight. Exercise and create a calorie deficit. Is it always easy...not even close. Is it worth it? More than you can possibly imagine right now.
How serious are you in wanting help? Well, if you are serious, then get started now. Believe you can and you will. Believe you can't and you won't. It's all up to you.0 -
I'm not from the US but I watch a show from there where people collect coupons and get their shopping free or extremely cheap. You have free time and a lot of incentive, why not clip coupons for free or cheap groceries? You could go round your neighbourhood asking people for the coupons they don't want. If you can get stuff cheaper that your family want, you could swap it for stamps or a small contribution, that way you will have a little bit of money for yourself.0
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You are correct.
If he has not been diagnosed with it yet, then he can get it.
Both you and your Huisband need to join the Army..
Get away from whatever situation you are in.
Get a paycheck (DINK = pretty good living even as privates)
Let the Army give you REAL training for future employment beyond flipping burgers.
You will have at least four years of a steady paycheck.
The Army will not take you if you have bipolar disorder!
If he is in for longer then 90 days and they boot him for the disorder, then he gets out on a medical discharge and he STILL gets a paycheck for life PLUS free medical for life.
Because that is where our military dollars should go.
The Army is not a toy.
It is NOT a toy.
Most people who join the Military will serve the entire term and then leave as a better person.
They leave with a job skill and a new attitude and outlook on life.
Even if HE gets out on a med (if the bipolar is in fact "real" and not just an excuse), SHE can still serve and, while you need to be careful, you CAN support a family on a single Private's paycheck.
Thank you. Some of us join for REAL reasons, like to create a life for ourselves. The majority of those in the Army treat it as it should. yes there are some people who use it as a Toy but they will quickly learn in boot camp how much of a toy it is not. And that will solve another of her issues, weight loss and eating healthy. I lost so much weight in boot camp my mom thought I was starving myself.
The Army would be a GREAT option for you, even it is the National Guard. Get yourself out of toxic situations and away from Life Suckers. If you respect yourself in any fashion you will get off your butt and do something for yourself. Family and husband be damned. This is YOUR life, live it the way YOU want to.
You will not get much sympathy from those on here unless you have exhausted EVERY avenue presented to you and then some. Everyone has had struggles and most people FIGHT for what they want. You will have to do the same as most every other person in the world.0 -
i knew that was going to come up a lot. i know how some people can be and just say to move out like it would be that easy, if it was going to be that easy i would of done it by now.
i have one person in this town ( besides my husband and father in law) that i can go to for help/advice.
its already been said by the rest of the family that if my sister in law would move out it would make most of the stress and 99% of our problems go away, but that still wouldnt help the food situation much
That's the thing though. We know it's not going to be easy. Some of us have been in similar situations.
The best option isn't necessarily the easiest option. Do you want to have an easy solution, or do you want to save your sanity?
Exactly.
There are times I worked two jobs, seven days a week. There was even a time when I had no car to get to those jobs and had to bum rides off coworkers - even to the grocery store - until I was able to get a car.
When times are tough, you buckle down. Get a job anywhere- the gas station, McDonald's, the department store. I know times are tough out there, but when you have no job and desperately need one, there are some out there. You just can't be picky. You can't afford to be.
Not only will getting a job bring you an income, but it will give you an outlet. Something else to focus on. something else to do rather than sit around the house feeling sorry for yourself and wanting to strangle your family members.
I'm not trying to be nasty, but I'm stating the facts.
If you're not willing to step up and hold yourself accountable, then I can't drum up much sympathy. I've been there. I've been broke and terrified and depressed and heartbroken. I did something about it and pulled myself up. I'm not the only one. Many here have done the same thing, I'm sure.
Exactly! It will also provide some self esteem so you stope visualizing yourself as a victim and start to see the only person holding you back from greatness is you!
I lived in similar desperate times. I worked two jobs then decided I didn't want to work that hard for the rest of my life so I quit one and went to college. No car. Many times I studied on the bus. In the summer I rode my bike to work and school. I walked to the grocery store nearly every day because I could only carry so much. Then my sister gave my daughter a wagon and I was able to go weekly.
The day Exhole told me he wasn't applying for a job at McDonald's because he wasn't working for $8 an hour while I was working two jobs was the day I knew I would divorce him. I could fail with him or I could pull up my leopard print big girl panties, make it on my own, and be an example to my daughter.
My advice to you: Take that walk and figure out where you want to be next year. Then figure out how to get there.0 -
So happy someone suggested your calling 2-1-1. They should be near you and could really point you in the right direction for resources. Cudos to the young lady who also offered her services to review your resume. Best of luck to you.0
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Your sister in law is very foolish. Getting pregnant is the wrong thing to do and will make the situation worse. Not to mention, a person who only wants to play video games will be a lousy mother. I am VERY familiar with this situation and the personalities you've detailed in your description. Though you don't want to hear the correct advice, I'm going to give it to you, anyway, so forgive me. You have absolutely no control over the other people in the house, so don't even bother. Either they must go or you and your husband must go. Don't say it isn't possible, it is possible... it just isn't easy. The situation is exactly the same as weight loss. Losing weight is not easy, Step 1, you must decide to do something about it, step 2, you must make changes to achieve the goal, Step 3, watch the weight come off one ounce at a time. Now, use the same plan for changing your living situation. Step 1, decide to do something about it, Step 2, make changes (find another job, stop buying things you may not need, only absolute necessitites), Step 3, watch the money roll in and set it aside into a separate bank account, one dollar at a time. You would not expect to lose 30 pounds over night. You lose it one pound.... no, one ounce at a time. Same with saving money. Don't wait for someone to hand it to you, and don't wait to win the lottery.... you can save 10 or twenty dollars at a time...or just one or two. It will add and bring you closer to your goal... and knowing you are doing something about it will make the whole situation more bearable, until you are finally able to move out. Just like weight loss, you can do this too. Otherwise your situation will only get worse and worse and it will spill over into other parts of your life. Don't let that happen, take back control. Hope this helps.
Excellent analogy!0 -
Wow... I totally forgot about the weight loss aspect of it.
You are correct.
If he has not been diagnosed with it yet, then he can get it.
Both you and your Huisband need to join the Army..
Get away from whatever situation you are in.
Get a paycheck (DINK = pretty good living even as privates)
Let the Army give you REAL training for future employment beyond flipping burgers.
You will have at least four years of a steady paycheck.
The Army will not take you if you have bipolar disorder!
If he is in for longer then 90 days and they boot him for the disorder, then he gets out on a medical discharge and he STILL gets a paycheck for life PLUS free medical for life.
Because that is where our military dollars should go.
The Army is not a toy.
It is NOT a toy.
Most people who join the Military will serve the entire term and then leave as a better person.
They leave with a job skill and a new attitude and outlook on life.
Even if HE gets out on a med (if the bipolar is in fact "real" and not just an excuse), SHE can still serve and, while you need to be careful, you CAN support a family on a single Private's paycheck.
Thank you. Some of us join for REAL reasons, like to create a life for ourselves. The majority of those in the Army treat it as it should. yes there are some people who use it as a Toy but they will quickly learn in boot camp how much of a toy it is not. And that will solve another of her issues, weight loss and eating healthy. I lost so much weight in boot camp my mom thought I was starving myself.
The Army would be a GREAT option for you, even it is the National Guard. Get yourself out of toxic situations and away from Life Suckers. If you respect yourself in any fashion you will get off your butt and do something for yourself. Family and husband be damned. This is YOUR life, live it the way YOU want to.
You will not get much sympathy from those on here unless you have exhausted EVERY avenue presented to you and then some. Everyone has had struggles and most people FIGHT for what they want. You will have to do the same as most every other person in the world.
In my case, it was weight GAIN but, I entered basic as a 145 LB kid and, 11 weeks later I was a solid 165 LBS.
A year later I was 175 and 5 years after that, I left at a solid 220.0 -
This has to be fake, right?
For the sake of this being possibly 'real' -- I'm happy to share my brutally insensitive thoughts:
Everyone needs to go, including your deadbeat husband. He sucks. Who gets fired from McDonald's unless you're blatantly stealing? If he can't hack it there, then that should be a tell tale sign that you can find someone better. Divorces are expensive, so just leave.
If he's physically able to work - he should. You're stating he has bipolar, so he got fired. Well, what else does he do all day? Look at porn with the communal internet?
You live in a house with your in-laws. Good God. I would want to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. Everyone in that house sounds like pathetic leeches. If I was the landlord, I would have all of their sorry as*es evicted tomorrow, since they're not even making a point to pay partial rent.
20 hours / week? Seriously...? Don't kill yourself with the part time job. [/sarcasm] Why not ask for more hours? Or get another job? And how do you get laid off from McDonald's as an hourly worker? Is that even possible?
I'm with what the other poster suggested: Join the military. It doesn't have to be the Army or the Marines. At the very least you collect a paycheck, get your *kitten* in shape, and obtain some real world experience and job training.0 -
i never once tried to play victim, never wanted any sympathy it was more of just a background of how much stress i have here
when i moved here i had to help take care of my mother in law, then i had to do it while working 40 hours a week. the only reason i worked at mcdonalds is for the fact that i needed a job and it was the first place to hire me.
my father in law is the name on the welfare account, me him and his sons get food stamps.
when i first moved here my father in law was getting cash assistance because he had just lost his job, his daughter was over 21 (the only child that was) and was to also work hers off. when she didnt she was no longer qualified for cash assistance or food stamps thats why she was never on it ( as long as ive lived here)
my husband was told that he was bipolar before i moved here (he would of been about 14 -15 when they did ) he said that they wouldnt give him medication for it because it messed with his diabetic medication... i dont know how true that is, i didnt live here at the time
and as for my husband being hateful or taking his anger out on me... that has never happened yes we argue once in a while but that is it. he knows i wont deal with it.
and for the idiots that try to say that im making this up, trying to get money from people you really need to go somewhere else and be a pain in the *kitten*.
ive already said that i was still trying to find a second job, and i do apply for everything i could possibly work for.0 -
Praying for you !!!!!!
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You need to get out of this living situation. Period. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it.i never once tried to play victim, never wanted any sympathy it was more of just a background of how much stress i have here
when i moved here i had to help take care of my mother in law, then i had to do it while working 40 hours a week. the only reason i worked at mcdonalds is for the fact that i needed a job and it was the first place to hire me.
my father in law is the name on the welfare account, me him and his sons get food stamps.
when i first moved here my father in law was getting cash assistance because he had just lost his job, his daughter was over 21 (the only child that was) and was to also work hers off. when she didnt she was no longer qualified for cash assistance or food stamps thats why she was never on it ( as long as ive lived here)
my husband was told that he was bipolar before i moved here (he would of been about 14 -15 when they did ) he said that they wouldnt give him medication for it because it messed with his diabetic medication... i dont know how true that is, i didnt live here at the time
and as for my husband being hateful or taking his anger out on me... that has never happened yes we argue once in a while but that is it. he knows i wont deal with it.
and for the idiots that try to say that im making this up, trying to get money from people you really need to go somewhere else and be a pain in the *kitten*.
ive already said that i was still trying to find a second job, and i do apply for everything i could possibly work for.0 -
Making this up to get money? Are you kidding me? If she wanted to do that she seriously needs to work on her story telling skills and research forums (MFP? Yeah OK).
Good luck OP. I personally would leave my DH if he refused to work and better his life. He needs to get a job now.
Oh and don't listen to the advice about joining Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc ...those companies rely on their "employees" buying the bulk of their product and then the employee is left trying to sell it (and they rarely make ANY profit).0
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