CHEATING
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To all posting on here to help Ms. Gray-
She is from PA. Can we, as a collective whole, get together and help her with contacts? Such as domestic violence shelters, other family shelters, contacts for local social services and whatnot.
My husband is from PA (Lancaster), but I don't know much about the area, since I am from Ohio.0 -
Disclaimer right off the bat - I am not saying it is not possible to get past it and have a strong relationship after someone cheats, however...
We were together for 8 years when I found out he was cheating in September 2006... of course I was devastated... we had two kids, 6 and 4, and I REALLY loved him. Like, didn't see it coming, loved him.
He swore up and down that it would never happen again. So I stayed with him (obviously a bit more involved than that, but we'll make a long story short...)
Fast forward to November 2008... found out he was cheating again... I moved out and we divorced.
One last desperate attempt on his part in July 2010 included moving 6 hours from where we lived to be close to my family (the only way I would even CONSIDER giving him another chance).
I REALLY thought it would work this time (stupid, maybe)... no such luck. Suspected in August last year that there was something going on... found out for sure in January.
There it is... three strikes and you're out.
People might change - it IS possible... just not in my experience.
This is what I am scared of happening and I don't want to sit around watching and waiting for it. I can't and I won't. I give kudos for you trying to make it work. Same here, I didn't think this would happen either. The day before I left, he told me how much he would miss me blah blah and while I was at the beach, I would text him and tell him how much I miss him and everything. I just couldn't believe he did this to me. Funny when I found out he was begging me not to leave and now that I talk about leaving I am full of ****, and he doesn't believe I am happy. He once again has control of the situation
I can't even tell you how many times he was on his knees crying and begging me to give him another chance... and then telling me I was the one who was pushing him away by not trusting him. smh.0 -
He only has as much control over the situation as you ALLOW him to have! You have to take control of you. Nobody else can do that except you! He sounds terribly passive aggressive and controlling. If he doesn't get his way he will take it out on you every time. Do not contribute to the cycle of abuse. Get out please... before something MUCH worse happens to you and your child! :flowerforyou:0
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Just break up.0
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If he cheated a month and a half into marriage, you need to leave.0
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Disclaimer right off the bat - I am not saying it is not possible to get past it and have a strong relationship after someone cheats, however...
We were together for 8 years when I found out he was cheating in September 2006... of course I was devastated... we had two kids, 6 and 4, and I REALLY loved him. Like, didn't see it coming, loved him.
He swore up and down that it would never happen again. So I stayed with him (obviously a bit more involved than that, but we'll make a long story short...)
Fast forward to November 2008... found out he was cheating again... I moved out and we divorced.
One last desperate attempt on his part in July 2010 included moving 6 hours from where we lived to be close to my family (the only way I would even CONSIDER giving him another chance).
I REALLY thought it would work this time (stupid, maybe)... no such luck. Suspected in August last year that there was something going on... found out for sure in January.
There it is... three strikes and you're out.
People might change - it IS possible... just not in my experience.
This is what I am scared of happening and I don't want to sit around watching and waiting for it. I can't and I won't. I give kudos for you trying to make it work. Same here, I didn't think this would happen either. The day before I left, he told me how much he would miss me blah blah and while I was at the beach, I would text him and tell him how much I miss him and everything. I just couldn't believe he did this to me. Funny when I found out he was begging me not to leave and now that I talk about leaving I am full of ****, and he doesn't believe I am happy. He once again has control of the situation
I can't even tell you how many times he was on his knees crying and begging me to give him another chance... and then telling me I was the one who was pushing him away by not trusting him. smh.
Yep, he cried and begged so many times. But for every time he did that he hurt me 10 times.0 -
First, I like to call it a free day, not a cheat day. Second, I think it's great to have a cheat day once a week, where you have sex with anyone you want. It keeps the metabolism revving.0
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Run far away and never look back.
this! ^^^^
From experience. I married a man who is a serial liar and cheater. I forgave him time after time. I stayed with him for almost 20 years and he was still cheating on me. He always showed remorse- it was lies. He was a Dr Jeckyll Mr Hyde personality.
I really didn't know him at all. Then he started influencing my son to be just like him. So run away as far away as you can--
My son is really confused and is having trouble with relationships. ALL THE TIME. I am sure his father had a part in it.
**** AND mine was/is a porn addict.****0 -
I was friends with his "ex" he dated her for about a month or two and it was a year before we met. I started becoming friends with her when her and I had gotten pregnant around the same time. I thought nothing of it to be friends with her. They both stated that they had no feelings for each other, and that was that, I TRUSTED both of them. Well, she stayed a night when my now husband was working night turn. It was fun to have a friend, who had a baby and understood what it was like. She had stayed two more times after that. The one time, she had stay and my husband got up to "get a drink". My reason for putting it that way is because you could set a bomb off and he wouldn't wake up. It was both times she stayed he needed a "drink" Well the first time she stayed he went down to get a drink and I went downstairs accusing him of doing stuff with her. Come to find out she tells me he tried to kiss her. The next time she stayed, we were all sleeping in the same bed, i was in the middle, this was before we were married, and I felt bad, and didn't want her sleeping on the couch, Well, i couldn't sleep and she ends up laying on his cheast, again, didn't think anything of it. We;;, she goes downstairs, and he follows, she then tells me that he asked her to have sex ith her in the downstairs bathroom. I had gone to sleep, because again,I trusted then. So the beginning of August, I went to the beach and he stayed home due to working, I took our 1yr old son with me, well two days after leaving drives 30 minutes to meet her at 10pm, to kiss her, and hold her down trying to get into her pants(her story, he only told me about the kiss) so the day I find out about this, I found porn on the history, so I called him at work and asked him about it he lied to me 3 timed before telling the truth, so I called my sister and asked her to come get me that I would like to stay with her for a few days, well in the meantime, he was texting my step cousin's gf and lying about who it was and deleting messages..I asked him about it and he said that he wanted to prove i go through his phone, and then the real reason was because he wanted attention. As he was trying to figure out where I was he calls my friend and asks he, I didn't tell her where I was, so she called me, and told me she had to tell me something, and I asked her what, and she said maybe I shouldn't tell you, well i begged her, and that's when i found out about what happened while i was away. So he called me, and is tarted screaming st him, asking him about what he did, he lied of course and demanded to know where i was, so my friend 3 wayed him, and he asked her why she couldn't keep her mouth shut.
So i went back to our apartment that night, and I cried all night, how could he do this to me?!
I decided i was going to stayed at my sisters for a few weeks, but of course we saw each other everyday, due to him wanting to see our son.
I am back at the apartment again, and in fact I spend the night at my sister's the other night because I'm not happy and I don't think I can find it in myself to forgive.
My mom on the other hand, feels we need to make it work and I'm full of ****, i am so happy, and she's giving me no choice but to stay. She says "porn is normal, nothing to worry about" and him talk to his mom about me is okay it will pass, and him calling me names and putting me down, that's okay and that will change. I'm just fed up.
We were going to counsiling, but I felt that he was putting too much focus on me and not trying to figure out why my husband did what he did, so i am looking for another, i just feel no amount of "help" will help.
and i will be honest, I am sometimes not the nicest to him, but everyone does stuff to make you mad, right?
yeah.....leave his *kitten*. he sounds like a fu(king loser. and for the record, why did you let her flirt with your hubby so much? I wouldve slapped a ho!
and don't listen to your mother. its not her decision, and she does NOT know what's best for you and your baby.0 -
Life isn't black and white. People will tolerate all sorts in a relationship but the second you say cheating everyone has a straight cut answer.
You know your partner. You will know if they care, did it to hurt you. Or just screwed up.
In life we make mistakes, sometimes we dig holes so deep we can't get out of them.
So asking what was right for someone else won't fix the problems you have, the answer is already right in front of you.
This. Just because someone has sexual contact outside of a marriage is not necessarily a reason to burn it down. However, there are many other issues, like emotional abandonment, that could the argument for divorce.
I can't believe how quickly people say, LEAVE, no questions asked. There are shades of gray. There are reasons that people cheat. And remember, the majority of marriages will experience a sexual infidelity. It is my opinion that this alone should not be reason to burn down an otherwise loving marriage.
The two of you should figure this out with a counselor.
Best of luck.
From what I hear, there are 50 shades of gray.0 -
Meh. Everyone's definition of 'cheating' is different.0
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After reading your story and the amount of time you have been married. I would leave him and get counseling for myself.
You do not need to raise your son in that kind of environment. Your son would think that it is okay to treat you and others the same way. Unless there is a big change on his part then this behavior will continue. Sorry that you have to go through this heart ache.0 -
What is that answer?
My mother pretty much pushed me this direction, I don't know about him, he says he wanted to get married, but I didn't. I told my mom I wasn't ready and she just tells me that's normal and keeps going with the planning and then she tells me that if I don't get married, I am living in sin, and I can't just be "shacking up" with is guy and not be married to him. Her deffinition of shacking up is living with him, and he pays for everything because I don't have a job, because I watch our son, and believe me I want a job, but I'd be working to pay for daycare. I have talked about going to school in fact I actually started going to school but the financial aide office told me I had to be 24 to be considered independent? I talked about getting my CNA and he was kinda trying to talk me out of it. My mom pushed me into this, there were a couple times that I said I wanted to leave and my mom said that I needed to stick it out for my son, this was before we got married..
Generally having a child or getting married makes you an independant. Otherwise that would be correct.0 -
yeah, I'm sorry rob1976 would you like it if your wife kissed another man? would you like it if she tried having sex with another man?0
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work on getting out of the marriage/living situation first, THEN worry about college.0
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cheating in any form is the unpardonable sin in my marriage. My observation is your 18, you got into a crappy relationship with a punk kid out of some misguided obligation maybe? Get out now, grow up some more, get some life experiences and an education. the right guy will come along later...because the right guy would never cheat.0
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I wouldn't, but there are guys that like to watch their wives get screwed by other men. It's a ****ing wacky world out there.yeah, I'm sorry rob1976 would you like it if your wife kissed another man? would you like it if she tried having sex with another man?
If you wanna stay, work on the relationship.
If you wanna go, then leave, stay gone, and hit him in the wallet.
Just don't be one of these dippy girls that leave, go back, leave, go back, leave, go back simply because you actually believe that he'll change.
Men don't change. Ever. Unless they want to change. And that's rare.0 -
Thanks everyone! He told me he had cheated because I wasn't being "as affectionate as he wanted"
I for one find that hard to believe, I mean, I felt I was affectionate with him even more than he wanted.
I just don't get why he would go to her, she was always mean to him! Anyway, like I said, he is willing
to go to counsling, but when I asked him to look someone else up ( we had been going to counsling
even before we had gotten married because he was being emotionally abusing and we were getting
Into physical fights) I had gotten no names, nothing. He didn't even attemp to call anyone. So here we
are almost 2 weeks without counsiling. He says he's willing to do "whatever it takes" to change and he
doesn't want my son's life being like mine, my parents were divorced. I just feel like I am sitting around
waiting for this to happen again. I have been telling him that I am not happy with him and he just keeps
telling me that I'm full of ****, and that I need to grow up and be a "mother& a wife" oh btw: the night I left
to go to my sisters, my son had a fever and was cranky, well before I left he went to sleep and I know there
Is nothing you can do about a fever other than sleep, I told him about calling and making a doctor appt
before I left and I would stay and go with them, nope didn't do that, so I left and stayed over night at my sisters
because at this point I was not feeling anything for him and I wanted out! Later than evening my son is crying
and stuff but his temp went down, josh wants me home, and I said no because he has had this controlling behavior
before and I wanted him to know he wasn't controlling me anymore. So he stays at his parents, I made him a dr appt
the next day, well I wanted to get my son as soon as he woke up and his mom said "no, I was told I could keep him
until 12:30-1:00" right along with that, she said I need to get medicated because I want to be with my husband then I don't.
Incorrect! I only went back to stay with him because everyone was pushing us to work this out.
My mom won't see anything other than we need to work it out. No matter what's he's done or what I tell her, I am
Truley convinced he has her brainwashed. The reason I being this up is because I have no support! My mom had also
told my sister to not let me stay with her, don't give me a place to run. So that is out of the question. I have no idea where
I would go.
Do I think he will do it again? Absolutley, if given the chance!
Another thing, I go to church almost every Sunday, and tonight I am going
to a bible study. He told me last night that he pretty much doesn't want me
Getting anymore involved than what I am. He doesn't want me to be a "bible nut"
and he doesn't want me to be one of those people that ask you for advise and they say
"I'll pray about it" he is an atheist by the way, that's one thing I hate too. I knew about it
when we were dating but I thought it would chance. For the person who asked, we we dating almost
2 years before we got married
Aww honey, get out of that marriage! It is not even a marriage!0 -
PS - I don't recommend that anyone ever get married before age 25 for this specific reason. He obviously still has some "oats" he needs to sow.0
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we were getting Into physical fights
I apologize that I just saw this. If you were getting into physical altercations, you need to get out now. Not tomorrow, next week, or next month. NOW.
If he was the one that started the hitting, then *he will eventually kill you*.
If you started the hitting, then you still need to get out and you need counseling immediately to address your abusive battering ways.
I suggest individual counseling no matter the circumstances to address the issues you have with engaging in physical altercations and picking abusive men.0
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