???? for the ladies in long term relationships.

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123468

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  • upendrah
    upendrah Posts: 14 Member
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    My advice to you is, If you are not working, find a job. Even if you are just making $8.00 per hour, it's something.
    You mentioned that money is low and that's the reason both of you are staying with his parents. If he's leaving you at home while he goes to work and then the bar, the fact that you said you are stuck at home with his family, sounds like, you are "stuck" home with the family without your own source of transportation.
    This guy can see, or believes, you are solely dependent on him and it's a shame that he won't even pretend to care. He's the man in your relationship and the man is suppose to provide. I agree with one of the previous comments, where someone suggested, your man may not be happy with his situation and is numbing it through drinking. Well, I believe you should make situations worst and go out during the whole day and only go home when he's there. After all, you're HIS guess, not a family member, (well atleast not yet).
    Once you find a job, you will meet new friends, with cars, and if you want to get out of your situation, you will have options of renting a room somewhere. If this guy says nothing is going to change on his end, then you need to change things on your end.
  • Rage4lightning
    Rage4lightning Posts: 72 Member
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    Initially, I was going to say that he is probably stressed and depressed for various reasons - including finances and the move - and that you should try to help him figure out a better way to deal with those issues.

    Then I saw comments stating that this isn't the first time you've posted about him in the forums. I haven't read the other threads, but if you're constantly needing to seek advice for his bad behavior from the people of MFP, then it seems to me that you're hoping someone in the forums will provide an excuse for him that you can't come up with yourself.

    Your first statement is incorrect. Not every guy likes to have a beer or two every night. I've never dated a man who did this. I do have to say that I've dated men who drank too much, but it still wasn't an every day (or even every work day) type of thing. It's disrespectful for him to leave you by yourself with people you barely know and then to only be around you when he's been drinking. It's even more disrespectful for him to put himself and others in danger by driving after he's had a few beers.

    I understand that times are tough and that you may not be in the most financially stable point in your life, but it sounds like you need to get out of there. Take some time for yourself and evaluate where you are in your life right now and where you want to be in the future. Can you get to where you want to be if you continue where you are right now? Once you figure that out, you'll know what you need to do. Then you just need to act on it.
  • vendygirl
    vendygirl Posts: 718 Member
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    I had an ex (not ex) that loved his drink and it is was one of the MANY reasons I broke up with him. Not only did he drink but he smoked pot and was arrested for OVI. How the hell I didn't leave him the night he called me at 4am to pick him up at the justice center I don't know but I didn't. I hung on for another 7 months. I finally called it quits. I will say it was rough not having him but it was the best thing I ever did. He isn't a bad person but it was obvious that he loved the drink more than he loved me. If it wasn't for me going through that relationship I never would have know what I was truly looking for and probably won't have met my husband when I did.

    You say you have talked with him but obviously he doesn't care. You should be with a person that wants to be with you, wants to spend time with you and most of listens to you when you are upset. No relationship is perfect (my husband is a saint for putting up with me let me tell you) but we enjoy each others company and we support each other. We have had a few rough spots but we work through them. A relationship is not supposed to be hard work but at times they can be but even that sounds wrong.,

    I would think long and hard about what you want and if he is really what you want your future to be. It is hard to take that step out the door but we are all strong people and its better to be alone and happy then in a relationship and miserable.

    Good luck.
  • shanjen27
    shanjen27 Posts: 19 Member
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    You deserve better babe, plain & simple. His actions are selfish in a number of ways. If you don't have children with him, I'd say move on & don't look back.
  • amberlykay1014
    amberlykay1014 Posts: 608 Member
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    My fiance goes out to the bar almost every night, but he NEVER goes without me. We meet up with our friends and socialize together. His friends are my friends and that's how we like it.

    Seems like you guys are on a different wave length from each other. Find a way to connect or move on.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
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    Just break up.
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
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    If you have friends, go out with them a few times a week

    Join a gym (planet fitness = $10/month) and spend some time there as well.

    Open a separate account and start stashing away $$

    When you have 800-1K tell him he needs to stop going to the bar every night and spend more time with you or you're breaking up with him. 1-2xs a week shouldn't be a big deal, every night? Yeah, not cool. A lot of people do that, but their relationships end up very strained or dissolved. Sounds like he doesn't want to be around his parents.
  • Nerdy_Rose
    Nerdy_Rose Posts: 1,277 Member
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    Nope. I'm dating someone who rarely drinks, and mostly it's a cocktail when out with clients out of social obligation.
  • chivalryder
    chivalryder Posts: 4,391 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear that. I tend not to drink and find it rather masochistic to do something like that to your body every night.
  • lavieboheme1229
    lavieboheme1229 Posts: 448 Member
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    no. not healthy. slippery slope. he needs AA or you need to get out before you are a wife of an abusive alcoholic. You don't want that for your kids. I speak from experience.
  • 1Kristine1
    1Kristine1 Posts: 697 Member
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    no. unacceptable.
  • nekoxvampyx
    nekoxvampyx Posts: 163
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    if my guy did that i'd dump him. cause the whole getting drunk and driving thing shows he doesn't care about u. obviously him getting hurt will make you feel bad and it doesn't look like hes taking your feelings into consideration , so yeah id dump him. regardless of how long i've been with him. you only get one life do you really wanna stick to some drunk forever?
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
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    You need to call a family member or good friend and get a ticket back to Arizona. It's very common for abusers to separate you from everyone you know. Then... they do what they please and you have to just sit by and let it happen. Get out now!
  • Morgan103084
    Morgan103084 Posts: 73
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    hun. i think he has you in a vulnerable situation and doesn't think you'll leave. if i were in that situation i'd be gone before he came home. sometimes you just have to be a little cold hearted and think about just YOU... my bf would have came home and picked up and took me to the bar with him. This man is not thinking of you. Get out and find yourself a real man. a REAL MAN is sweet, loving, caring, and passionate about his woman.
  • Morgan103084
    Morgan103084 Posts: 73
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    if my guy did that i'd dump him. cause the whole getting drunk and driving thing shows he doesn't care about u. obviously him getting hurt will make you feel bad and it doesn't look like hes taking your feelings into consideration , so yeah id dump him. regardless of how long i've been with him. you only get one life do you really wanna stick to some drunk forever?

    THIS!!!!!!!! Its your destiny, make it a good one!
  • crimsoncat
    crimsoncat Posts: 457 Member
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    The fact that you are both low on money and that this is a new behavior makes me believe it could be a stress thing. Regardless, clearly it makes you uncomfortable and that is a big problem.

    Personally, I don't drink because of alcoholism in my family. This bar behavior is not something I would find acceptable in a mate and is a huge turn off to me. Had my partner been drinking like that from the start I would have "check please"-ed the heck outta there and never called back. Other people are much more comfortable with it than I am, but I cannot be around that type of behavior for safety reasons. I think a person who likes bar culture should have someone who she/he can enjoy hanging out at the bar with.

    However, you situation is a new behavior and that is completely different. I would say "Look, you didn't do this before. It makes me uncomfortable because XYZ. What is different?"

    If I get an answer like "buzz off" or "none of your buissness", I would be done right then and there. This new behavior is a BIG problem for me and it appears to not be up for discussion. I can find someone else and he can find a girl to hang with him at the bar every night.

    If I get an answer that is more open to discussion such as "you just don't understand..." or "it's a new hobby." I'd stick with it for a bit. Explain why it makes you worried and HEAR him out. When he says something, repeat it back in your own words so he is sure you are hearing him. Example: "What I am hearing is that this is a new hobby and it allows you one on one time with your buddies. Is that correct?" From there on on work on a new behavior where he can get what he needs (boytime) without spending money. If you're really invested in this relationship, get professional help if needed.

    Whatever you do, DO NO LET THIS SIMMER. You'll get angry and say things you don't mean.

    If your differences are irreconcilable, I would end the relationship before the fighting gets worse.

    Edit: DUI is UNACCEPTABLE. If he is driving himself home from a bar, there is a HUGE RED FLAG being waved. If he sees this as acceptable for any reason GET THE HECK OUTTA THERE.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
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    My advice to you is, If you are not working, find a job. Even if you are just making $8.00 per hour, it's something.
    You mentioned that money is low and that's the reason both of you are staying with his parents. If he's leaving you at home while he goes to work and then the bar, the fact that you said you are stuck at home with his family, sounds like, you are "stuck" home with the family without your own source of transportation.
    This guy can see, or believes, you are solely dependent on him and it's a shame that he won't even pretend to care. He's the man in your relationship and the man is suppose to provide. I agree with one of the previous comments, where someone suggested, your man may not be happy with his situation and is numbing it through drinking. Well, I believe you should make situations worst and go out during the whole day and only go home when he's there. After all, you're HIS guess, not a family member, (well atleast not yet).
    Once you find a job, you will meet new friends, with cars, and if you want to get out of your situation, you will have options of renting a room somewhere. If this guy says nothing is going to change on his end, then you need to change things on your end.

    ^^ this too. WA's minimum wage is now $9.04. Of course, I'll bet "your man" doesn't want you to work.
  • onrush
    onrush Posts: 25
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    The fact that he told you this was the way it was going to be tells me something, does it tell you the same thing?
  • crimsoncat
    crimsoncat Posts: 457 Member
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    My advice to you is, If you are not working, find a job. Even if you are just making $8.00 per hour, it's something.
    You mentioned that money is low and that's the reason both of you are staying with his parents. If he's leaving you at home while he goes to work and then the bar, the fact that you said you are stuck at home with his family, sounds like, you are "stuck" home with the family without your own source of transportation.
    This guy can see, or believes, you are solely dependent on him and it's a shame that he won't even pretend to care. He's the man in your relationship and the man is suppose to provide. I agree with one of the previous comments, where someone suggested, your man may not be happy with his situation and is numbing it through drinking. Well, I believe you should make situations worst and go out during the whole day and only go home when he's there. After all, you're HIS guess, not a family member, (well atleast not yet).
    Once you find a job, you will meet new friends, with cars, and if you want to get out of your situation, you will have options of renting a room somewhere. If this guy says nothing is going to change on his end, then you need to change things on your end.

    ^^ this too. WA's minimum wage is now $9.04. Of course, I'll bet "your man" doesn't want you to work.

    If this is the case you should be checking out the signs of domestic abuse. Isolation is one of them. Controlling the money is another.
  • TheNewDodge
    TheNewDodge Posts: 607 Member
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    You are lucky he lets you out of the kitchen.

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