Cheating on your Spouse

dakotababy

Hey everyone.

I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.

Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.

I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?

I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*

MariaMariaM

Sometimes they might want the security of home and the excitement of something new. If they can keep it up they can have the best of both worlds.

dakotababy

I guess, that would definitely apply in some cases!

guildwars1987

Maybe they still love their spouse but want the thrill of being with another person. Like you said there are many reasons why they would not tell someone. And think about it, if someone were to tell their spouse that, what stops the spouse from saying "f this, I'm leaving"?

MissAnjy

Sometimes they might want the security of home and the excitement of something new. If they can keep it up they can have the best of both worlds.

I agree with this. A lot of people don't want to give up their home life....kids, house, security....but yet they want to feel "wanted" which maybe isn't the case at home what with all the added stress of life and whatnot.

Chubbyhulagirl

Simply because a lot of people are not decent human beings and do not know how to be decent. Communication and taking responsibility for their part in a relationship is not top priority.

Contrarian

Maybe they still love their spouse but want the thrill of being with another person. Like you said there are many reasons why they would not tell someone. And think about it, if someone were to tell their spouse that, what stops the spouse from saying "f this, I'm leaving"?

This.

dakotababy

I just feel like its really not a true answer to the question. Think about it - Put yourself in the shoes of a miserable husband who is thinking of cheating on his wife.

Why not just tell her that instead of just cheating?


I just read through some of the other answers, and I definitely believe the whole "I want security, but I want to cheat still" could make sense...though that sounds so silly typing it out.

Betsybeee

I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We are engaged to be married. I recently listened to my intuition that something was wrong. He denied anything. I became my own private investigator. I have proof that he has been cheating on me. He has also been contacting and meeting women from Craigslist. We aren't even married yet! I don't understand. Our sex life is good. We go out together and have fun alot. It's obviously ruined our relationship.

I can't answer your question. Perhaps I'll learn something from some of your replies. It really sucks.

scottg1024

Several things come to mind where one might not tell the other.

The thrill or excitement.

A sense of revenge - the other "deserves it" based on their behavior (also flirting or cheating)

Fear of loss of security

Didn't expect that something that seemed innocent at first would go that far. The slippery slope.

Lack of maturity



I'm sure there are a lot more.

Lrdoflamancha

Guilt, no other reason. They feel guilty that they are going to have sex with someone not their spouse. Excitement and all that is secondary.

dakotababy

I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We are engaged to be married. I recently listened to my intuition that something was wrong. He denied anything. I became my own private investigator. I have proof that he has been cheating on me. He has also been contacting and meeting women from Craigslist. We aren't even married yet! I don't understand. Our sex life is good. We go out together and have fun alot. It's obviously ruined our relationship.

I can't answer your question. Perhaps I'll learn something from some of your replies. It really sucks.

I am so sorry to hear this. It is just crazy how he could not have told you he thought there was issues/he was not happy. You would think you could trust a person enough to say something...especially a future husband.

What lead to your intuition? Was there any signs now that you think back?

dakotababy

Several things come to mind where one might not tell the other.

The thrill or excitement.

A sense of revenge - the other "deserves it" based on their behavior (also flirting or cheating)

Fear of loss of security

Didn't expect that something that seemed innocent at first would go that far. The slippery slope.

Lack of maturity



I'm sure there are a lot more.

Wow - thank you so much, this definitely sounds like it. Especially the "Slippery Slope". I understand people may have fantasies of cheating, and how easily one thing could lead to another. This makes sense.

dakotababy

"Guilt" and "Shame" were some of my ideas for sure. That the thought of admitting the relationship is so bad, or the shame in even considering cheating would make a person unlikely to tell the spouse they are going to cheat.

Thank you very much.

LinaBo

In an ideal world, everyone would wait to get married until they're capable of putting their big girl/boy britches on and accepting that one of the requirements of a successful marriage is to have healthy communication skills.

As I said, though: in an ideal world. The reality is that a lot of people who would rather cheat or let things implode in some other way, than to honestly communicate with each other before the relationship is beyond salvaging, get married anyway.

halfretird

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

I_wanna_live

and people wonder why; I don't want a relationship with anyone... Bumping just to read

LilEmm

edit

Juliejustsaying

what makes you think they those things weren't said? Cause in my experience they were..and nothing changed.

_Sara_A_

I'm very very opinionated on this topic as my boyfriend's ex wife did this very thing. Not only did she cheat on him, she used him by convincing him that if he moved with her to a new city that they would work on their marriage. He agreed and they packed up their things as well as their children's and moved. Once they got off the plane her attitude changed and she no longer wanted him (my boyfriend). Her brilliant idea was that they live in the same apartment and date different people but continue to live together. My boyfriend proceeded to pack up his things as she said she no longer loved him!

ken1994

I see the words thrill and excitement but I think the overall feeling shoud be respect. How can you not respect your spouse enough to not have this discussion. I don't get it but I guess that is a good thing. Sucks that one brief momnt can send such a ripple through an entire family.

Beezil

Sometimes you can express your concerns or your unhappiness to your spouse repeatedly and they either don't care or get angry, then deny anything is wrong at all or blame all the problems on you. It could go on for months like that, years even. Then maybe a really good friend comes along and listens, while your spouse never does. A really good friend may become more than that - it's not always avoidable to fall in love with more than one person... but acting on those feelings is completely avoidable.

Some things are much easier to say than to do, though. Being in a long term committed relationship isn't always an easy thing to just pick up and leave, especially when you have children with that person.

GaidenJade

Simply because a lot of people are not decent human beings and do not know how to be decent. Communication and taking responsibility for their part in a relationship is not top priority.

^^^^ This.

onedayillbeamilf

I'm very very opinionated on this topic as my boyfriend's ex wife did this very thing. Not only did she cheat on him, she used him by convincing him that if he moved with her to a new city that they would work on their marriage. He agreed and they packed up their things as well as their children's and moved. Once they got off the plane her attitude changed and she no longer wanted him (my boyfriend). Her brilliant idea was that they live in the same apartment and date different people but continue to live together. My boyfriend proceeded to pack up his things as she said she no longer loved him!

Ah yes, always the ex girlfriend/wife's fault.

myth4ever

people rather put a band aid over a a stab wound instead having to get stitches.

Mrsdiva777

I've heard 1 guy sat that he was not planning on cheating on his spouse. He said that he did something stupid. He allowed someone to seduce him and he claim that his wife did everything that he wanted so he was not lacking at home. He admitted he was selfish.

luvs2teachincali

Good question. When my husband and I started dating we agreed that if we even just CONSIDERED cheating, we would talk it out FIRST. I really believed it when he agreed to it and I hope he really believed me because I meant it! It makes no sense to me. If you love someone, or once DID love someone (as in past tense), why not give them the respect and courtesy they deserve as a human being...?

GaidenJade

what makes you think they those things weren't said? Cause in my experience they were..and nothing changed.

I agree this could be the case. But in that instance leaving is the best option. I am very verbal with my husband and if a time ever came where I found myself in love or thinking about being with another person in a serious manner, I would tell him and then leave. Yes it would hurt and yes it might make him pissed, but it's a hell of a lot better than cheating. There is NEVER an excuse for it. Lack of respect for self and others and of course cowardice is the only reasons I can think of .

Mountainbiker2015

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

I agree with this post. I have seen marriages go downhill fast because the communication and the listening were not there. People sometimes don't want to see or hear when there is something wrong in their marriages at times. I know people will say well then why did the person cheating not just leave? Sometimes it is not all that simple and I believe what the original poster said too about sometimes you just do not know what is happening behind closed doors.

vvanm

It could be a passive aggressive action due to hostility or disdain toward the opposite sex, directed at the spouse . It heightens the experience knowing the spouse would be devastated if they knew.

opus649

Fear