Cheating on your Spouse

Beezil

Sometimes you can express your concerns or your unhappiness to your spouse repeatedly and they either don't care or get angry, then deny anything is wrong at all or blame all the problems on you. It could go on for months like that, years even. Then maybe a really good friend comes along and listens, while your spouse never does. A really good friend may become more than that - it's not always avoidable to fall in love with more than one person... but acting on those feelings is completely avoidable.

Some things are much easier to say than to do, though. Being in a long term committed relationship isn't always an easy thing to just pick up and leave, especially when you have children with that person.

GaidenJade

Simply because a lot of people are not decent human beings and do not know how to be decent. Communication and taking responsibility for their part in a relationship is not top priority.

^^^^ This.

onedayillbeamilf

I'm very very opinionated on this topic as my boyfriend's ex wife did this very thing. Not only did she cheat on him, she used him by convincing him that if he moved with her to a new city that they would work on their marriage. He agreed and they packed up their things as well as their children's and moved. Once they got off the plane her attitude changed and she no longer wanted him (my boyfriend). Her brilliant idea was that they live in the same apartment and date different people but continue to live together. My boyfriend proceeded to pack up his things as she said she no longer loved him!

Ah yes, always the ex girlfriend/wife's fault.

myth4ever

people rather put a band aid over a a stab wound instead having to get stitches.

Mrsdiva777

I've heard 1 guy sat that he was not planning on cheating on his spouse. He said that he did something stupid. He allowed someone to seduce him and he claim that his wife did everything that he wanted so he was not lacking at home. He admitted he was selfish.

luvs2teachincali

Good question. When my husband and I started dating we agreed that if we even just CONSIDERED cheating, we would talk it out FIRST. I really believed it when he agreed to it and I hope he really believed me because I meant it! It makes no sense to me. If you love someone, or once DID love someone (as in past tense), why not give them the respect and courtesy they deserve as a human being...?

GaidenJade

what makes you think they those things weren't said? Cause in my experience they were..and nothing changed.

I agree this could be the case. But in that instance leaving is the best option. I am very verbal with my husband and if a time ever came where I found myself in love or thinking about being with another person in a serious manner, I would tell him and then leave. Yes it would hurt and yes it might make him pissed, but it's a hell of a lot better than cheating. There is NEVER an excuse for it. Lack of respect for self and others and of course cowardice is the only reasons I can think of .

Mountainbiker2015

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

I agree with this post. I have seen marriages go downhill fast because the communication and the listening were not there. People sometimes don't want to see or hear when there is something wrong in their marriages at times. I know people will say well then why did the person cheating not just leave? Sometimes it is not all that simple and I believe what the original poster said too about sometimes you just do not know what is happening behind closed doors.

vvanm

It could be a passive aggressive action due to hostility or disdain toward the opposite sex, directed at the spouse . It heightens the experience knowing the spouse would be devastated if they knew.

opus649

Fear

RubyRubixcube

ha! funny i should read this now. I've found myself in quite the situatin and since everyone's on the topic maybe I could tell ya'll a little story.

About 4 years ago I became best mates with a guy from work, we'd party 6 out of 7 nights a week at his place (lad town) and one very drunken night we went to bed. No problems, until I found out he was engaged and this was normal behaviour for him to get drunk with girls and take them to bed. His fiance` lived 3 hours away and beinga nice christian girl had said she wanted to wait until marriage to live together. So I watched as this behaviour continued and asked him what the hell he was doing to which I was told "I dont want to marry her, I'm going to call it off, proposing was a rushed and stupid mistake" anyway after suggesting he go to councilling or talk to someone other than me about his issues he decided to go ahead with the wedding. We spoke and I made it clear that his behaviour needed to stop the moment they say "I do" 3 months after their honeymoon he confesses to me he cheated on her again about 2 weeks after they got back. I was furious but didn't know what to do... I didn't talk to him for a while and didn't visit them. He said he was remorsefull etc etc so I thought, "ok maybe he's learnt from this" and decided to leave it. About one month ago (after we'd formed a very close knit group of friends) he confessed to me again that he'd slept with our friends ex gf the night before hand while his wife was away visiting her family. He told me it was "because he's not attracted to her anymore, and sleeping with someone else makes him feel wanted and increases his libido to be with her" I left his house within about 20 minutes... 4 days later I told him to meet up with me at a pub cause i needed to talk to him. I asked him to come clean to our friend because it was destroying my friendship with him having this huge elephant around, he said he would and then started texting me 15 minutes after we left saying that I was trying to ruin his marriage and black mailing him and that our friend wouldn't cope with the news. All I said to himw as "you have until the end of the weekend, I didn't do anything to ruin your life" 1 and ahalf weeks later I finally got the courage to tell our friend. He was glad that I'd told him, but because of it our group of friends has been torn apart and we havent spoken to the husband or wife since.

I've just found out that the husband has started hanging out with an old group of people I used to know who all condone and involve themselves in cheating on their partners.

I'm now torn as to whether I should come clean and tell his wife the whole truth, the girls while he was engaged, married and how she actually got an STD rather than the story she was spun.

elizawe

Risk of loss of power. If you are contemplating cheating and you tell your spouse, then you risk that they may lose faith and leave. You're no longer the one getting to choose.

OBXbound4me

Many reasons here. I actually know someone very close to the family in this very spot. Together for 8-9 years, Bad relationship from the start, very one sided. Now the one who has been "dumped" on the whole time is cheating and won't leave. There could be one of many facets: 1) They are afraid to be alone but want to find those moments of happiness. 2) They feel the cheating is partial payback. 3) They want to find something else they really want before leaving. 4) They have kids and are worried about how that will affect them. 5) They are just a bad hearted person or have terrible communication or confrontation skills.

There are a myriad more of reasons, but this is just s few. It boggles my mind how anyone can do this to another person, especially one that they loved at one time. Sad.

Mountainbiker2015

Sometimes people just grow apart but are afraid to make the commitment to leave. I know of a guy whose wife started cheating on him and they were married 31 years at the time. He was devastated but he was willing to forgive the wife and the other man. He wanted to still work on the marriage. She said she still had feelings for the other man and they are going through a divorce right now. He said he probably was not always the best husband. I really believe from what they said, they grew apart over the years. Hard, hard stuff. She did tell him eventually though before he found out himself. Just after the fact. Guilt, I suppose.

SongDragon

Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?

I'm into psychology, too. It's what I have my bachelor's in. One of the classes I took focused on close relationships. One of the things I focused on (in my major paper) was how stress is coped with in the dyadic relationship might bring people closer together or make a couple less likely to remain together. However, one of the key factors you're bringing up here is communication. Communication is key. Unfortunately couples don't always communicate well. People in general don't always communicate well. People are afraid of how they will be perceived if they say certain things or ask for certain things in their relationship. Or people don't need to communicate for a while, when things are all hunky-dory, so they don't have any time set aside for it, and then they don't feel like they can find the right time or moment to bring something important up to their spouse.

At least that's my opinion on it. We had a couples therapist come in to talk about how important communication is, and in my opinion it's still hard. I love talking, but often what I say isn't the really important stuff.

kaylad8528

My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I felt loved, secure, stable... And after he asked me to marry him, he started being stingy with his phone, keeping it away from me and on his person at all times. Even if he got up in the night to go to the bathroom. I thought he was shopping for jewelry.

About three months later, he told me what was up. He was thinking of cheating, he was searching on Craigslist for lovers. This devastated me, but he hadn't cheated. That was what was the most important. He told me before he did anything truly bad. After I was angry (I yelled, he left, I demanded his emails with strangers, etc.. And eventually poured my drink over his head to initiate a conversation) we talked together and agreed to see a therapist about our co-dependency issues. He didn't really want sex or love from someone else - he just felt trapped, because he asked me to marry him. It didn't even have anything to do with me.

People cheat for lots of reasons. It says a lot if they talk about it before it happens.

dakotababy

Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?

I'm into psychology, too. It's what I have my bachelor's in. One of the classes I took focused on close relationships. One of the things I focused on (in my major paper) was how stress is coped with in the dyadic relationship might bring people closer together or make a couple less likely to remain together. However, one of the key factors you're bringing up here is communication. Communication is key. Unfortunately couples don't always communicate well. People in general don't always communicate well. People are afraid of how they will be perceived if they say certain things or ask for certain things in their relationship. Or people don't need to communicate for a while, when things are all hunky-dory, so they don't have any time set aside for it, and then they don't feel like they can find the right time or moment to bring something important up to their spouse.

At least that's my opinion on it. We had a couples therapist come in to talk about how important communication is, and in my opinion it's still hard. I love talking, but often what I say isn't the really important stuff.

Thank you. I am actually a counsellor. I preach communication on a daily basis! This is actually my boyfriends second brother to go through a divorce in less that 4 months apart. The first separation was because the wife packed up and left - said NOTHING, just packed up and left! (They were not even fighting when she left, so it was really surprising). Then this one with the wife cheating just came out on saturday. The family will obviously be hit hard from these 2 divorces in less than 4 months apart.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years...and in the process of talking about engagement and marriage prep. I have always been "unsure" about marriage. These two incidents of separation has really frightened me. I am thinking "What is the point of getting married. You are happy, you go miserable, then you leave." I am just learning about this to be preventative and make sure I am well prepared in a marriage. Luckily I have a strong grasp on communication and the importance of it. This has been a relief to hear this.

dakotababy

My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I felt loved, secure, stable... And after he asked me to marry him, he started being stingy with his phone, keeping it away from me and on his person at all times. Even if he got up in the night to go to the bathroom. I thought he was shopping for jewelry.

About three months later, he told me what was up. He was thinking of cheating, he was searching on Craigslist for lovers. This devastated me, but he hadn't cheated. That was what was the most important. He told me before he did anything truly bad. After I was angry (I yelled, he left, I demanded his emails with strangers, etc.. And eventually poured my drink over his head to initiate a conversation) we talked together and agreed to see a therapist about our co-dependency issues. He didn't really want sex or love from someone else - he just felt trapped, because he asked me to marry him. It didn't even have anything to do with me.

People cheat for lots of reasons. It says a lot if they talk about it before it happens.

I would never think I would say this after reading an experience like this, but consider yourself lucky! I would be angry, but really proud if my boyfriend was considering cheating and was able to own up and tell me before it went to actual "cheating".

1PoisonIvy

I believe a cheater has self esteem issues.
Anybody can cheat, but it takes a real husband/wife to be faithful

Spazsquatch

Assuming the relationship still has some value, it's probably just a matter of risk aversion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk_aversion). The risks are the same between talking to the spouse and cheating, which is that the relationship will end. However if you cheat, you have a lot more (perceived if not actual) control over the situation.