Cheating on your Spouse
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My wife cheated on me with a co-worker that I had indicated that she and he were too close (we all worked at the same place). We were having problems based on my selfish behaviour and this was compounded by then (unknown) fact that I suffered from Clinical Depression. We had separated and she too the opportunity to go off to a motel with this co-worker. Her excuse was that we were separated so she was free to pursue this action even thought were Christians and should hold ourselves to a higher standard. Its been two years and I still feel sick to my stomach and have since left that place of employment.
In situations like this blame is shared and both parties and responsible for their actions and should hold themselves accountable. Blaming the other spouse for your decisions is a cop-out and will just lead to more anger and hurt.
Before this I believed that we were a strong Christian couple who could stand on the principles of Jesus but I realise that cheating is a complex and hurtful action that may bring short term joy and relief from a poor relationship but the repercussions are serious and severe. I pray that if your are in a marriage seek help before its too late and never take for granted that your spouse is strong enough to avoid to this temptation.
If you realise that you no longer want the relationship, be honest and tell your spouse and then go your way. The worst thing you can do is introduce another person into this equation before clearing the air.0 -
No, it is NATURE taking its course.
Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.
Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.We are mammals, and if we look to the mammalian world, just 3 to 5% of the about 5,000 species of mammals form lifelong, monogamous bonds - this is the case of beavers, wolves, gibbons, jackals, foxes, some bats, dwarf deer and antelopes (like dik-dik).
A strictly monogamous animal mates only inside the pair. For example, in the case of geese, albatrosses or some parrots, the death of a partner totally compromises mating for the other, for that season or for life.
But biologists say that strictly sexually monogamous species are almost non existent. Most mammals have just a social monogamy: they pair up to mate and raise offspring, but still have flings. For example, in the case of the Arctic foxes, 25 % of the litters are not fathered by the male of the pair. Having offspring from multiple fathers allows a female to increase the genetic variation in her cubs. This increase in variation improves the chances that at least one cub in a litter will have the genetically proper stuff to survive for a long term in such a harsh and changing environment.
Why Monogamy?
Monogamy is a breeding behavior that is considered to give offspring a better survival chances, as in monogamous couples females receive all the support of the male in raising newborns to adulthood, from food to protection.
It's clear: a pair achieves more food and survives better than the bachelors. The "married" jackals were found to live on average 3-4 years longer than the solitary ones.
In beaver families, there is a strong need for cooperation to maintain their dams and pools, that's why beaver social units are so tight. Thus, monogamy evolved in situations where young need a better cooperation of both parents in raising them. That's why humans, with their long childhood, form monogamous pairs.
http://news.softpedia.com/news/Humans-Are-Not-Made-Monogamous-83227.shtml0 -
It depends on where your own starting point is ( your logic)
No, it is NATURE taking its course.
Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.
Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.
My husband and I have went to marriage counselling and actually we thought she was nuts when she was telling us this very thing.............found 2 other counselors / therapists that stated the same thing.
It is NATURE, pure and simple.
We choose the lifestyle we wish to have. Monogamous, polygamy, etc. The natural attraction and urge is there. We choose to tune it out.
Yes, there is a book on human nature, it's the bible! God's word!
It says we are sinful.
So if you don't want to do the things you ought not to do, then....put it far from you.
I NEVER want to do that to my husband (and children, and other people who know me!)!!
It is true we can be attracted to others even when we are married. Duh!
I never want to go there.0 -
Hey everyone.
I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.
Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.
I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*
What negative topic for a forum...At least you appear to have all the "reasons for cheating" figured out..
.That should make your spouse very comfortable (or is it one of those warnings you refer to above?)
Don't like it? Judge me? Piss off.0 -
Please don't start with the bible...........for one that is not allowed on the forums and #2, the bible is a MAN-written word, said to be the "word of God".
Not everyone believes in "God".
I believe with energies of the earth, nature and science backs these things up.
I don't want to do that to my husband either. So, I made a conscious CHOICE when we got married to be monogamous and faithful.
Because I made this choice and also you did to, does not mean that is the way nature is intended to be.
It depends on where your own starting point is ( your logic)
No, it is NATURE taking its course.
Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.
Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.
My husband and I have went to marriage counselling and actually we thought she was nuts when she was telling us this very thing.............found 2 other counselors / therapists that stated the same thing.
It is NATURE, pure and simple.
We choose the lifestyle we wish to have. Monogamous, polygamy, etc. The natural attraction and urge is there. We choose to tune it out.
Yes, there is a book on human nature, it's the bible! God's word!
It says we are sinful.
So if you don't want to do the things you ought not to do, then....put it far from you.
I NEVER want to do that to my husband (and children, and other people who know me!)!!
It is true we can be attracted to others even when we are married. Duh!
I never want to go there.0 -
If you can't tell your spouse your not happy you shouldn't be together if you're gonna cheat behind their back anyways. I dunno why people cheat but they are being selfish and not thinking about the people they are hurting. You can't have your cake and eat it too.0
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Hey everyone.
I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.
Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.
I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*
What negative topic for a forum...At least you appear to have all the "reasons for cheating" figured out..
.That should make your spouse very comfortable (or is it one of those warnings you refer to above?)
Dude, you are EPIC.
Its incredible that your ex wives did not catch you cheating right away - it is clearly obvious that both of you are one of those cheaters we are referring too.0 -
Guess what.Please don't start with the bible...........for one that is not allowed on the forums and #2, the bible is a MAN-written word, said to be the "word of God".
Not everyone believes in "God".
I believe with energies of the earth, nature and science backs these things up.
I don't want to do that to my husband either. So, I made a conscious CHOICE when we got married to be monogamous and faithful.
Because I made this choice and also you did to, does not mean that is the way nature is intended to be.
It depends on where your own starting point is ( your logic)
No, it is NATURE taking its course.
Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.
Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.
My husband and I have went to marriage counselling and actually we thought she was nuts when she was telling us this very thing.............found 2 other counselors / therapists that stated the same thing.
It is NATURE, pure and simple.
We choose the lifestyle we wish to have. Monogamous, polygamy, etc. The natural attraction and urge is there. We choose to tune it out.
Yes, there is a book on human nature, it's the bible! God's word!
It says we are sinful.
So if you don't want to do the things you ought not to do, then....put it far from you.
I NEVER want to do that to my husband (and children, and other people who know me!)!!
It is true we can be attracted to others even when we are married. Duh!
I never want to go there.
Your "energies of the earth" are allowed on the forums.
And so is my bible.
It's how I answer the question about why people would cheat on their spouses.
Have a nice day!:flowerforyou:0 -
Hey everyone.
I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.
Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.
I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*
What negative topic for a forum...At least you appear to have all the "reasons for cheating" figured out..
.That should make your spouse very comfortable (or is it one of those warnings you refer to above?)
Dude, you are EPIC.
Its incredible that your ex wives did not catch you cheating right away - it is clearly obvious that both of you are one of those cheaters we are referring too.
Of course, I love cheating.
Ha. That will be hilarious when your 70 and single with herpes.0 -
It is either a lack of emotional / physical affection or both in most cases... I'm sure there are other reasons, but people wouldn't feel the need to go seek other companionship behind their SO's back unless their needs weren't being met in some way. In my experience, I think it's important for each party in a relationship to be open to new ideas and new ways of expressing affection. It's really bad when you go to your SO and open your heart to them, letting them know your deepest desires, fantasies, or fetishes, only for them to give you a look of disgust and treat you as if you're some kind of monster for wanting anything like that. People cheat because they still love their SO, so they selfishly hide the betrayal in order to keep the one they love. Having their cake and eating it too, as they say...
Yes, cheating is wrong - but I do feel like it is partially both peoples responsibility to prevent it from happening, especially when the signs are blatantly obvious before it even happens - and most especially when the one thinking of cheating has repeatedly spoken to their SO about their problems with no positive responses. Physical / emotional needs not being met does not necessarily mean a lack of love. It's just not human nature to be mated for life with one person... :P0 -
BTW, OP... really sorry to hear about that.
It hurts a lot of relationships.0 -
I think it boils down to 2 things,....selfishness & greed.0
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Hey everyone.
I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.
Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.
I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*
What negative topic for a forum...At least you appear to have all the "reasons for cheating" figured out..
.That should make your spouse very comfortable (or is it one of those warnings you refer to above?)
Dude, you are EPIC.
Its incredible that your ex wives did not catch you cheating right away - it is clearly obvious that both of you are one of those cheaters we are referring too.
Man.... I sure am glad I'm not married to a woman like you. You apparently believe cheating is natural..."I get it, people cheat" you said...Then you list several acceptable (to you) reasons why some would have to cheat...(All the lying, excuses and dishonesty seem to come naturally to some people....., don't they?)
To be clear: I don't have any "ex-wives"....I honor my wife, and would rather die (literally) than damage our thing by putting my hands on another woman. It's called respect.
I can't relate to your "reasons for cheating.
I can list just as many reasons NOT to cheat as you did TO cheat...:bigsmile: :
I guess I'm old fashioned, huh?
.0 -
I think it boils down to 2 things,....selfishness & greed.
Exactly! You can debate this topic and second guess another persons motivation but it still boils down to them being selfish / self centered.0 -
I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We are engaged to be married. I recently listened to my intuition that something was wrong. He denied anything. I became my own private investigator. I have proof that he has been cheating on me. He has also been contacting and meeting women from Craigslist. We aren't even married yet! I don't understand. Our sex life is good. We go out together and have fun alot. It's obviously ruined our relationship.
I can't answer your question. Perhaps I'll learn something from some of your replies. It really sucks.
Eff that ****head! You deserve better. Everyone does. Id have everything he owns on the curb by 5 tomorrow. And if i was going to leave, id take everything but a plate, a fork, and a wet roll of toilet paper.0 -
We are mammals, and if we look to the mammalian world, just 3 to 5% of the about 5,000 species of mammals form lifelong, monogamous bonds - this is the case of beavers, wolves, gibbons, jackals, foxes, some bats, dwarf deer and antelopes (like dik-dik).
A strictly monogamous animal mates only inside the pair. For example, in the case of geese, albatrosses or some parrots, the death of a partner totally compromises mating for the other, for that season or for life.
But biologists say that strictly sexually monogamous species are almost non existent. Most mammals have just a social monogamy: they pair up to mate and raise offspring, but still have flings. For example, in the case of the Arctic foxes, 25 % of the litters are not fathered by the male of the pair. Having offspring from multiple fathers allows a female to increase the genetic variation in her cubs. This increase in variation improves the chances that at least one cub in a litter will have the genetically proper stuff to survive for a long term in such a harsh and changing environment.
Why Monogamy?
Monogamy is a breeding behavior that is considered to give offspring a better survival chances, as in monogamous couples females receive all the support of the male in raising newborns to adulthood, from food to protection.
It's clear: a pair achieves more food and survives better than the bachelors. The "married" jackals were found to live on average 3-4 years longer than the solitary ones.
In beaver families, there is a strong need for cooperation to maintain their dams and pools, that's why beaver social units are so tight. Thus, monogamy evolved in situations where young need a better cooperation of both parents in raising them. That's why humans, with their long childhood, form monogamous pairs.
http://news.softpedia.com/news/Humans-Are-Not-Made-Monogamous-83227.shtml
[/quote]
I read this whole thing in a David Attenborough voice... it was amazing0 -
- Because I tried to discuss it many, many times and he either wouldn't listen, turned the discussion to something else or avoided it altogether
- Because even though he clearly knew what I needed and wanted, he still chose not to do that, or work on the issues we had
- Because we no longer communicated properly
- Because I felt overwhelmingly hurt, rejected, lonely, undesired, unwanted..which turned into me feeling angry..and then justified
- Because I knew I'd always settled and I was no longer in love with him
- Ego
- Selfishness
- Wanting to claim my own life and sexuality back0 -
The possibility you're neglecting is that she was still happy, but wanted to sleep with someone else anyway.0
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i really don't care if i offend anyone but i think anyone that can cheat on someone they "love" is a horrible person. there is no excuse. either be committed or not it's not that hard.0
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I think for some people it's the rush. The fact that they're sneaking around and they know what they're doing is wrong...I'm sure that's appealing to some personality types.
That being said, in my opinion, they care more about themselves than the person they're cheating on. They're getting that feeling of multiple people wanting them, finding them attractive, etc. and that probably makes them. I'm sure it has something to do with personality traits and how people think etc.
Just my opinion on the subject.0
This discussion has been closed.
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