Cheating on your Spouse

slyder432

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DamnImASexyBitch

My actions are worse? Okay. I'm guessing you're one of her friends, or a fellow cheater. You make me laugh.

Not at all. I was just the child in that situation and it sucked. And none of it was my fault, but I suffered most. Lauren's SO abused her. She reacted the only way she could think to at the time. As did you. You hurt innocent children. She hurt an abuser. Which is worse?

Are both wrong in their ways? Sure. But one is definitely worse than the other.

Unlike you, though, I won't lecture and chastise someone for making the only decision she could in the moment. You have a lot of nerve, though.

I ABSOLUTELY did NOT hurt my children and neither did their dad. He was a horrible husband, but he NEVER hurt them ever. Your implications are disgusting that I would ever do anything to them. **** you.

tyrantduck

People on this site are too judgmental.

I'm going to tell some rather personal things here.

I cheated on my ex once. My ex used to slap me around. He used to insult and degrade me on a daily basis, telling me I was fat (I was a size 10 back then) and no wonder my father didn't want me (I haven't seen him since I was 4).

Every time I left the house without him I was accused of cheating. He didn't like me working. He didn't like me seeing my family. He was a control freak.

One day, I met a guy through a friend who said all the right things to me. He was the first person I opened up to, mainly because he caught me crying in the toilet at a friends house party after a particularly vicious row.

He was there for me, and a couple of months down the line, I slept with him. I couldn't have told my partner I was thinking about cheating on him, the ensuing argument and violence wasn't worth it, and it wasn't a planned thing.

Before anyone thinks; 'why didn't you leave him?' it was my first relationship, and he had ground down my confidence so much I didn't think I could function on my own.

Am I a 'horrible person'? Am I a 'coward'?

Anyone that can form that sort of opinion of me or anyone else without realizing there are two sides to every story is far too judgmental, in my opinion.

I had the same experience. My ex was also physically (beating, threatening me with his knife collection, etc) and emotionally abusive (telling me I was fat, disgusting, that nobody wanted me and I'd never do better than him) and accused me of the same things, wouldn't let me see my family or friends, etc. It took a lot of convincing but at one point I told myself, if I'm not going to get the love and respect I need from him, I'm going somewhere else to get it. After about a month of arguing, I managed to set up an overnight at my high school crush's house (he was single at the time and we had been in love for so long, but never managed to make it work) by saying I would be spending the night at my best friend's house. So... I went. We had been talking online and he knew how bad things were and he was genuinely worried about me. He cooked dinner for the two of us and we sat in his room watching TV and it happened... multiple times that night. I had never been happier in my whole life. Three weeks later, I stayed home from work and packed up my stuff. My father came and helped me get everything out and I moved in with the man who is now my husband, that same man I cheated with.

Like you, I refused to tell my ex what I was going to do because I preferred to stay alive. And I had to leave while he was at work because I had no other way to get out. It took a lot of careful planning (from the planning of the visit to the time I actually left, 4 months) and luckily for me, he never found me. I knew I could never get away on my own... I needed a lot of help and it was hard to keep everything shut up inside, but if he had known beforehand that I was going to take every material posession I owned and run for the hills, he would have found a way to stop me, and it wouldn't have been with love and begging for forgiveness for how he treated me. I managed to save my life and my sanity, and it was the one and only time I've ever cheated on anyone.

Then, three years after my husband and I got married, I found myself on the other side of the situation. My husband cheated on me a few times throughout 2011. I had this sense that something was wrong with him and couldn't put my finger on it. So I turned into the freakin FBI and found everything out. After a lot of screaming and yelling and crying, we finally sat down and figured out what the issue was... LACK OF COMMUNICATION. He wasn't happy and wouldn't talk to me about anything. We made up a list of what the other person should do (or not do) to keep the other happy in the marriage. We've worked on about half of our list each and our marriage is becoming stronger every day. We still have our moments (and I wound up developing a severe anxiety and depression disorder after what I found out) and the lack of trust is still there, but it's getting easier. My husband truly regrets how much he hurt me and our marriage and we are working together, like we should have from the start, to make our marriage a happy and prosperous one.

I know cheating is wrong. I've always known that. But if ANYONE ever judged me by my actions without knowing exactly what happened behind closed doors or how horrible I felt inside when all this went down, I will personally make sure they swallow all their teeth. I'm not justifying cheating, I'm justifying the fact that my CHOICE gave me the reason and the feeling of self-worth that I needed to finally be able to get away from a man who would have probably killed me if I had stayed. My husband was so afraid for my safety and did not want to let me go back to my ex, and for the first 4 years of our relationship, he was the most supportive, loving, caring man I had ever met. My decision to go to him that one night saved my life.

TheRoadDog

There is no excuse. If you are cheating, you shouldn't be married.

"He/she is abusive."

"He/she doesn't fulfill me."

"He/she cheated on me."

All the above and all the ones mentioned are just rationalizations. You can't justify being dishonest to your partner. You're lazy. You're a cheater. Get out.

I'll never cheat on mine. I'm pretty sure my wife will never cheat on me. If we have an issue, we resolve it together.

lauren3101

.

I know cheating is wrong. I've always known that. But if ANYONE ever judged me by my actions without knowing exactly what happened behind closed doors or how horrible I felt inside when all this went down, I will personally make sure they swallow all their teeth. I'm not justifying cheating, I'm justifying the fact that my CHOICE gave me the reason and the feeling of self-worth that I needed to finally be able to get away from a man who would have probably killed me if I had stayed. My husband was so afraid for my safety and did not want to let me go back to my ex, and for the first 4 years of our relationship, he was the most supportive, loving, caring man I had ever met. My decision to go to him that one night saved my life.

Sometimes we have to make difficult or 'wrong' decisions to get to where we are now. Like you, I'm happy with the choices I made and I wouldn't take them back. Good on you for getting out of a horrible situation.

DamnImASexyBitch

There is no excuse. If you are cheating, you shouldn't be married.

"He/she is abusive."

"He/she doesn't fulfill me."

"He/she cheated on me."

All the above and all the ones mentioned are just rationalizations. You can't justify being dishonest to your partner. You're lazy. You're a cheater. Get out.

I'll never cheat on mine. I'm pretty sure my wife will never cheat on me. If we have an issue, we resolve it together.

THANK YOU!!!!!

newGeorge

One word: Selfishness!

lauren3101

There is no excuse. If you are cheating, you shouldn't be married.

"He/she is abusive."

"He/she doesn't fulfill me."

"He/she cheated on me."

All the above and all the ones mentioned are just rationalizations. You can't justify being dishonest to your partner. You're lazy. You're a cheater. Get out.

I'll never cheat on mine. I'm pretty sure my wife will never cheat on me. If we have an issue, we resolve it together.

I was actually starting to think despite being the abused, I was the one wrong in my relationship and should have worshiped and adored him, then I re-read your post and remembered I never married him. Phew!

MinMin97

One word: Selfishness!

Yes.

Angie_1991

My opinion is.........you don't know and won't know until or unless you are in that situation. It is easy for us to say we would do this or that...but really....you just don't know....no one does.

pawnstarNate

Maybe they've tried the whole "communication" thing. Trying to work on their relationship and end up going back into the same routine...same non-caring ritual. Could be they've tried that "working on it" a few times. Who knows...we are not in their shoes and everyone is different and reacts differently

sandkrain

Sometimes they might want the security of home and the excitement of something new. If they can keep it up they can have the best of both worlds.

But, can they keep it up???????

TheRoadDog

My opinion is.........you don't know and won't know until or unless you are in that situation. It is easy for us to say we would do this or that...but really....you just don't know....no one does.

I know.

TheRoadDog

Maybe they've tried the whole "communication" thing. Trying to work on their relationship and end up going back into the same routine...same non-caring ritual. Could be they've tried that "working on it" a few times. Who knows...we are not in their shoes and everyone is different and reacts differently

If they tried working on it; tried the "communication thing" and can't resolve their issues, then they should direct their energy to creating an amicable exit strategy. You shouldn't just say " Well, what the heck, I gave it my best shot, guess I'll go get some strange." Move on.

alsunrise

My actions are worse? Okay. I'm guessing you're one of her friends, or a fellow cheater. You make me laugh.

Not at all. I was just the child in that situation and it sucked. And none of it was my fault, but I suffered most. Lauren's SO abused her. She reacted the only way she could think to at the time. As did you. You hurt innocent children. She hurt an abuser. Which is worse?

Are both wrong in their ways? Sure. But one is definitely worse than the other.

Unlike you, though, I won't lecture and chastise someone for making the only decision she could in the moment. You have a lot of nerve, though.

How can you sit there and say that she hurt her children??? She saved her children from having to experience what you went through and yet you are coming down on her for removing her children from the exact environment that you painfully had to grow up in.... So what are you saying she should have done exactly??

Maryaly40

they want their cake and eat it to

KBrenOH

I just feel like its really not a true answer to the question. Think about it - Put yourself in the shoes of a miserable husband who is thinking of cheating on his wife.

Why not just tell her that instead of just cheating?

What if she/he does tell the other and they just ignore the communication. I can only guess at that point, they figure - what the hell.

ANeWcRe8N

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

This ^

roycelynberry

In my case I put up with so much with my husband and stuck beside him finally it came to the point where I couldn't any more.. No longer loved him no longer was in love ended up falling for a friend of mines... I told my husband over and over that I wanted out of our marriage he would have no such thing it was always we should be together for the kids. I don't care what you want I still love you so I can make you love me again. But that is just my case my spouse wouldn't let I'm done be done... At this point I Filed for a Divorce rather he wants it or not because in the end me being un happy is not good for my kids either regardless we will both still be their parents. For other people I think it's fear of the other relationship not working so they want to hold on to the other relationship just in case. Also the hurt of telling them you want out. I don't think its a right or wrong answer each case is different.

dodihere

My husband's ex-wife cheated on him. She told him one day she was cheating on him and was in love. He packed his things and left that day. The other man portrayed himself as a man with a lot of money, later she found out he was flat broke and was using his parent's car and home.


My ex-husband cheated on me with men. I was his beard for 15 years. I could have understood if he came to me to discuss his desire for same sex - but still to this day he denies his sexuality, and this is after he was caught by the police having sex with another man in parking lot. I believe he had some sort of sexual disorder - he was also violent. Good riddance.

KBrenOH

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

This ^

I agree -- absolutely this.

KBrenOH

My husband's ex-wife cheated on him. She told him one day she was cheating on him and was in love. He packed his things and left that day. The other man portrayed himself as a man with a lot of money, later she found out he was flat broke and was using his parent's car and home.

Just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesn't necessarily mean it is.

rml_16

My actions are worse? Okay. I'm guessing you're one of her friends, or a fellow cheater. You make me laugh.

Not at all. I was just the child in that situation and it sucked. And none of it was my fault, but I suffered most. Lauren's SO abused her. She reacted the only way she could think to at the time. As did you. You hurt innocent children. She hurt an abuser. Which is worse?

Are both wrong in their ways? Sure. But one is definitely worse than the other.

Unlike you, though, I won't lecture and chastise someone for making the only decision she could in the moment. You have a lot of nerve, though.

I ABSOLUTELY did NOT hurt my children and neither did their dad. He was a horrible husband, but he NEVER hurt them ever. Your implications are disgusting that I would ever do anything to them. **** you.

It's interesting to me how angry you are.

I didn't say you hurt your children. But you did bear them into a marriage with someone who abused you. And if you think that because they were small when you left him that it didn't affect them, you're in denial.

All I'm saying is, if you're going to throw stones, make sure you don't live in a glass house.

YOu are no better than the person you're practically screaming at through the computer screen for making a choice you don't agree with. You made a decision I don't agree with, but I am not and was not in your place at the time.

if you are so OK with what you've done, why are you so angry and defensive?

bleacheblonde

Yaknow, I am typically one of those people that thinks there is no excuse for cheating and that if you're going to cheat, you get out of your relationship before you sleep with other people. But that's how I personally would handle it, and if other people want to make different choices, that's really not my problem. I can see where someone who's in a shaky relationship would not want to start a conversation based on "Honey I'm thinking about cheating." That would not be an easy conversation to have even for a couple in a healthy relationship, let alone one that's prone to fighting.

I am so grateful to be in a good relationship with a great man, and I'm never doing ANYTHING to f**k that up, no matter what hotties might cross my path

TheRoadDog

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

This ^

I agree -- absolutely this.

I absolutely disagree with this. Sometimes you can better your relationship through communication. Sometimes you can compromise. Sometimes you can't. You do not stay in the bad relationship and seek fulfillment in another relationship. You're being dishonest to your partner, to your new "fling" and to yourself.

Everybody here is justifiying dishonesty. There's no shame in trying, failing and moving on. There is no good reason to cheat.

Hey, I'm sorry you were faithful and got dumped on/ abused / cheated on / ignored. It doesn't make you an honorable person when you perpetuate more of the same.

There are a lot of people out there looking for an equal partner. If you settle for less, you deserve less.

DamnImASexyBitch

My actions are worse? Okay. I'm guessing you're one of her friends, or a fellow cheater. You make me laugh.

Not at all. I was just the child in that situation and it sucked. And none of it was my fault, but I suffered most. Lauren's SO abused her. She reacted the only way she could think to at the time. As did you. ******You hurt innocent children.***** She hurt an abuser. Which is worse?

Are both wrong in their ways? Sure. But one is definitely worse than the other.

Unlike you, though, I won't lecture and chastise someone for making the only decision she could in the moment. You have a lot of nerve, though.

I ABSOLUTELY did NOT hurt my children and neither did their dad. He was a horrible husband, but he NEVER hurt them ever. Your implications are disgusting that I would ever do anything to them. **** you.

It's interesting to me how angry you are.

I didn't say you hurt your children. But you did bear them into a marriage with someone who abused you. And if you think that because they were small when you left him that it didn't affect them, you're in denial.

All I'm saying is, if you're going to throw stones, make sure you don't live in a glass house.

YOu are no better than the person you're practically screaming at through the computer screen for making a choice you don't agree with. You made a decision I don't agree with, but I am not and was not in your place at the time.

if you are so OK with what you've done, why are you so angry and defensive?

YOU SAID I HURT MY KIDS.... READ WHAT YOU WROTE!!!!! I quoted you up there!
You can say whatever you want about me, I could careless. You can not say anything about my children. So yes, I will tell you to **** yourself over that comment, and to anyone else who says a word about my children. I love them, and EVERYTHING I do is with their best interest at heart. You brought MY children into the conversation. A low blow to justify someone else's cheating. You're a sick individual.

DamnImASexyBitch

There are times when a person continues to tell their spouse what they are not happy about and it goes through one ear and out the other..someone in that relationship may not be listening..and all it takes is for one person to listen to their problems. Maybe show some attention that they havent received in a long time.

This ^

I agree -- absolutely this.

I absolutely disagree with this. Sometimes you can better your relationship through communication. Sometimes you can compromise. Sometimes you can't. You do not stay in the bad relationship and seek fulfillment in another relationship. You're being dishonest to your partner, to your new "fling" and to yourself.

Everybody here is justifiying dishonesty. There's no shame in trying, failing and moving on. There is no good reason to cheat.

Hey, I'm sorry you were faithful and got dumped on/ abused / cheated on / ignored. It doesn't make you an honorable person when you perpetuate more of the same.

There are a lot of people out there looking for an equal partner. If you settle for less, you deserve less.

You make excellent, valid points that fall deaf on the ears of those who lack integrity and character.

jg627

Power and entitlement. Not a whole lot else to it other than that.

jlapey

I used to wonder the same thing.

Perhaps it's NOT that they are unhappy, but rather, immature, greedy and selfish. Perhaps they have no conscience. Perhaps their spouses feelings simply didn't occur to them. They want what they want and they take it. Some people just should not get married. They have no sense of what commitment and responsibility really are. Makes me sick.

lsapphire

Some of the same reasons. Excitement, guilt, they don't think it makes a difference anymore and so many more.