Cheating on your Spouse

joehempel

Financial reasons....if a spouse is caught cheating and taken to court for the divorce, the judge 99% of the time doesn't favor cheaters and will give the other person anything they want.

That being said...I guess I 'technically" cheated on my spouse with the woman who is now my fiance. I had made the decision to leave, just had to get my affairs in order (and financially it would take a while)....and while I wasn't looking for a relationship, fell in love with the person who is my exact match in every way.

eeeekie

Why don't they say they are thinking of cheating?

Simple answer...coward.

Laddiegirl

i really don't care if i offend anyone but i think anyone that can cheat on someone they "love" is a horrible person. there is no excuse. either be committed or not it's not that hard.

I agree. I've been in a few situations where the relationship had gone south and cheating never crossed my mind. All I wanted to do was end it and move on with my life. In one of those situations we lived together and were financially tied together in several ways so it wasn't easy in that reguard either. There simply isn't anything to justify breaking the trust, love and respect you're supposed to have or once had for your SO in my opinion.

Too many people take the easy road and create a list of justifications rather than just being a decent person and doing the right thing (talking to your spouse/SO or leaving first if you're certain its over and you want someone else).

Shaolin_Papa

- Because I tried to discuss it many, many times and he either wouldn't listen, turned the discussion to something else or avoided it altogether
- Because even though he clearly knew what I needed and wanted, he still chose not to do that, or work on the issues we had
- Because we no longer communicated properly
- Because I felt overwhelmingly hurt, rejected, lonely, undesired, unwanted..which turned into me feeling angry..and then justified
- Because I knew I'd always settled and I was no longer in love with him
- Ego
- Selfishness
- Wanting to claim my own life and sexuality back

I see post after post with all the reasons it's OK...bs.:frown:

A cheater, no matter their petty justifications is a liar, a sneak, and a dishonest person who can't be trusted by their partner.....or anyone else, for that matter. :indifferent:

nosugarmiss

I can't imagine how a woman can cheat, seems it's more of a "male" thing to be poligamous

Shaolin_Papa

i really don't care if i offend anyone but i think anyone that can cheat on someone they "love" is a horrible person. there is no excuse. either be committed or not it's not that hard.

Nicely put. :drinker:

You give me hope for humanity....

premiumchilenita

I don't think you will find an answer for what you are looking for, as a general rule of society cheating is a horrible thing and there really isn't any excuses or answers. No one is going to say "oh, then that's ok" Because really, it's not.

This sounds wrong but, they might not want to hurt their spouse so that's why they don't say anything. They may still love them, and not want to hurt them.

People that do that aren't thinking rational.

and it could be many other things

Growtinymusclesgrow

I just feel like its really not a true answer to the question. Think about it - Put yourself in the shoes of a miserable husband who is thinking of cheating on his wife.

Why not just tell her that instead of just cheating?


I just read through some of the other answers, and I definitely believe the whole "I want security, but I want to cheat still" could make sense...though that sounds so silly typing it out.

My two cents...If it gets this far, communicationis definitely à problem.If they can't communicate about what is making them unhappy, they most certainly not communicateabout their Desire to cheat. Or maybe they just suck as a person...

Juliejustsaying

- Wanting to claim my own life and sexuality back

This...totally THIS. Life is way too short to live in a loveless, unhappy and often abusive relationship. I didn't cheat on my husband, but I really wish I had claimed my life back a lot sooner than I did.

DamnImASexyBitch

Having never been the person doing the cheating, always been the person cheated on, I can tell you that if my partner were to tell me I *think* I want to cheat on you it would be over just as much as I *did* cheat on you. Regardless of the when, the fact that they wanted someone other than me signals it's done. I could either wait and see if they possibly followed through, always wondering if/when they would, or I could have the power to walk away. Either senario shows that there is little to no hope in that relationship.

rml_16

I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

Are you sure she didn't?

pakittykat11

its not about that...hard to understand unless you have been in their shoes.. I have learned never to judge... you can say oh I would do this or that but when faced with the situation youd be surprised how you would be...

pakittykat11

this is the best response I have seen on this...

zoober

Well, telling your spouse what you are feeling and having a discussion means there is communication. In my experience, communication is the one thing lacking in all relationships that are in trouble. If a couple was able to communicate, there would be no cheating.

alexsis88

I think some people cheat because they feel disrespected and unnappreciated and aren't getting the attention they deserve from their spouse. And no matter how many times they talk to eachother about their feelings someone still isn't happy and the other one isn't doing anything about it to make.it better.in a relationship both sides have to give equal amounts of everything. When one person is doing more the the other but not getting credit then they start feeling.like they dont have any appreciation and will look to find.it elsewhere. Marriage is hard and I truly believe u should treat eachother as equals in order to make it work

rml_16

Well, telling your spouse what you are feeling and having a discussion means there is communication. In my experience, communication is the one thing lacking in all relationships that are in trouble. If a couple was able to communicate, there would be no cheating.

Sometimes you can talk until you're black and blue and the other person chooses not to hear you.

I think, except for people who just enjoy sleeping around and shouldn't be in any relationship (they do exist) most people cheat because it's a last resort of a desperate person whose needs are not being met, regardless of the communication efforts.

tashaa1992

There is never a good excuse for cheating. If something's wrong in the relationship then it won't change unless you communicate. I've been cheated on, his excuse was he couldn't cope with my eating disorder and needed an escape. The problem I had with that was if he really couldn't cope with it and support me, then he should've sat me down and been honest with me, I'd have rather he'd finished with me than cheating on me over and over again. People who cheat don't seem to realise that their boyfriend/girlfriend will blame themself for what happened. If you don't want to be with someone, man up and tell them straight, cheating on them only hurts them a hell of alot more.

dakotababy

- Because I tried to discuss it many, many times and he either wouldn't listen, turned the discussion to something else or avoided it altogether
- Because even though he clearly knew what I needed and wanted, he still chose not to do that, or work on the issues we had
- Because we no longer communicated properly
- Because I felt overwhelmingly hurt, rejected, lonely, undesired, unwanted..which turned into me feeling angry..and then justified
- Because I knew I'd always settled and I was no longer in love with him
- Ego
- Selfishness
- Wanting to claim my own life and sexuality back

Thank you so much for sharing - I really appreciate the honesty, and your response.

lauren3101

People on this site are too judgmental.

I'm going to tell some rather personal things here.

I cheated on my ex once. My ex used to slap me around. He used to insult and degrade me on a daily basis, telling me I was fat (I was a size 10 back then) and no wonder my father didn't want me (I haven't seen him since I was 4).

Every time I left the house without him I was accused of cheating. He didn't like me working. He didn't like me seeing my family. He was a control freak.

One day, I met a guy through a friend who said all the right things to me. He was the first person I opened up to, mainly because he caught me crying in the toilet at a friends house party after a particularly vicious row.

He was there for me, and a couple of months down the line, I slept with him. I couldn't have told my partner I was thinking about cheating on him, the ensuing argument and violence wasn't worth it, and it wasn't a planned thing.

Before anyone thinks; 'why didn't you leave him?' it was my first relationship, and he had ground down my confidence so much I didn't think I could function on my own.

Am I a 'horrible person'? Am I a 'coward'?

Anyone that can form that sort of opinion of me or anyone else without realizing there are two sides to every story is far too judgmental, in my opinion.

dakotababy

- Because I tried to discuss it many, many times and he either wouldn't listen, turned the discussion to something else or avoided it altogether
- Because even though he clearly knew what I needed and wanted, he still chose not to do that, or work on the issues we had
- Because we no longer communicated properly
- Because I felt overwhelmingly hurt, rejected, lonely, undesired, unwanted..which turned into me feeling angry..and then justified
- Because I knew I'd always settled and I was no longer in love with him
- Ego
- Selfishness
- Wanting to claim my own life and sexuality back

I see post after post with all the reasons it's OK...bs.:frown:

A cheater, no matter their petty justifications is a liar, a sneak, and a dishonest person who can't be trusted by their partner.....or anyone else, for that matter. :indifferent:

@Shaolin - Alright, I don't think you understood my question AT ALL. Please re read it slowly and carefully before responding again. And just to clarify, I was simply pointing out some of the excuses in my OP because I do not need an answer as to what the justifications/excuses are to cheating - I understand and get that part.

The part that I do not understand is why a spouse is unwilling to tell the partner before cheating that they are thinking of cheating! If your wife was going to cheat on you - there is a good chance, she could just cheat without telling you before hand. I would think someone who has been married for 5, 10, 15 years would not be too "Scared" to approach their spouse and say something like "I have been thinking of cheating - we need counselling" or "I am thinking of cheating, we need to figure this **** out". But instead spouses just go and cheat! These wonderful people are willing to share their stories so I can find out more IN DETAIL about why a person is unwilling to talk to their spouse and be forward. I have a better understanding and a lot more perspectives.