Dear Abby, Why aren't don't older chicks try to be hotter?

LFDBabs

I am a single lady that takes great pride in appearance, yet always have struggled with weight. I've been told by many Mr. Assfaces that I have a "pretty face", "beautiful smile", and "amazing personality" and "if I could only lose a few pounds"!! REALLY? You're THAT shallow??? I actually had a guy tell me it was too bad I was fat (I wear a 14-16), he'd date me but he won't date anyone that wears anything over a size 12. I told him it's too bad he puts so much emphasis on the wrapping paper instead of what is inside the package, because he just missed out on quite a gift.

I'm sure there are men out there who don't put as much emphasis on finding "arm candy", but I have yet to meet one. I love Abby's reply

joeq722

There is no doubt that guy will wind up with exactly what he deserves.
I never fail to get a laugh out of people's insistence that THEY are going to control life......

mavrick7

Mr. Assface is a jerk and now we know why he is divorced.

I wish more women would be confident in their appearance and not try to change who they are. Fiind someone that appreciates the person that they are, instead of what they want to see.

cdpark617

I was having a conversation this weekend.

I tend to not be attracted to large women, does this make me shallow? I am genuinly asking, because it is not just about the appearance, but it is a factor. I can't make my self be attracted to someone.

MiloBloom83

WTF??? Seriously? has this dude taken a look in the mirror? There is a reason my bf is 15 years younger than me...the hot older men here are an anomoly.

That's Mr. Anomoly to you.

gailmelanie

I like Ann's classy answer, too. I wish I could think up such classy answers all the time, but I tend to shoot from the hip most times. As an "older chick" (the term chick referring to a just-hatched chicken, indirectly suggesting that only young women are "cute") I know I am attractive and I don't have to look "hot" all my waking hours because that doesn't define who I am at all. I can look very glamorous, if not "hot," when I want to, and I look good and business-like every day when I go to work. If I've been working in the yard and I need to go to the grocery store when I'm done, I'm not going to shower, change to "hot" clothes, put on makeup and jewelry to do that. But I'm a happily married woman whose husband still says, "You still attract me," when I'm naked even though I weigh about 20 lbs more now than I did when we were dating and have had a baby since (he does, too.) So, I don't need to look hot to attract a man because I already have one. And if I did want a man, he'd better find me attractive however I am if I am even to consider being interested in him. In a long-term relationship, we see our partners in all states of dress, undress, sickness, health, inebriation, sobriety, and so on. Seeing someone's inner beauty or potential outward beauty when they aren't acting or dressing "hot" is critical to true love. Acceptance is the bottom line.

_Elemenopee_

Mr. Assface is a jerk and now we know why he is divorced.

I wish more women would be confident in their appearance and not try to change who they are. Fiind someone that appreciates the person that they are, instead of what they want to see.

:flowerforyou:

rm7161

My point is that this guy is commenting on his perceptions and people are calling him a jerk for wanting to find a woman who takes care of herself. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with wanting to find someone who takes the time to present themselves nicely? It would be one thing if that's all that mattered, but I didn't get that out of the article.

I simply don't believe it, because my experience is pretty well the opposite. I see no lack of women my age (mid 40s) who are attractive, I still have weight to lose but I am still attractive, I left a relationship where my partner did not put the same effort at all into himself but expected that effort from me, yet actively sabotaged me. Okay. I'm getting fit and I'd rather be single than settle.

Never going back to that. Next man is going to care as much as I do about staying fit, and my experience is that unmarried men my age that do are much rarer than unmarried women. And the men I know who are unmarried have a very active dance card. I have nothing against a man looking for similar in his life, I simply doubt that this man is actually similar to what he is seeking seeing as pals of mine find no lack to what he is seeking, and that is what Dear Abby is insinuating.

I see a story of a guy who sounds very much like my father, who dumped my mother because he considered her not good enough for him anymore (on a good note, mom got fit and looks better than he does), wanting to get out of the family responsibilities to family and children. He had plenty of money once he cut everyone off (college bills are hell for those who do not qualify for financial aid and are only marginally upper middle class). Yes, I've no respect for that at all, knowing what it is from the kids side, and any woman going into that is probably going to hit major hostility from the previous family and especially the kids. No desire for a repeat.

I just find it incredibly stupid for trashing the guy for something that everyone desires in a mate

Yea, I remember all the ladies who thought a man with a sizable paycheck was something they desired in a mate, that future didn't have his kids in it. I'm not going to be one of those ladies, he's not what I want in a mate.

sizzle92

I think he was silly to generalize based on age. There are women of all ages who don't take care of themselves. I agree with him as I too won't be with a person who doesn't take very good care of themselves and work on their physical appearance. He just sounds frustrated that he can't get a date. lol

gracefulotus

I read the OP and skimmed through a few pages of comments. The nature of his problem is not clear. What does a woman who "no longer takes care of herself" look like? I work on my thesis from home. I wear track suit pants, and a t-shirt. I live a 5 minute walk away from the supermarket. I tie my hair up, don't wear make-up, put on a simple jacket and I'm off to get my groceries. Is that unreasonable? Should I be doing my hair fancy, putting on make-up, wearing heels and getting out my formal going out clothes?

Is this what people mean by "letting oneself go"?

Anyway, I remembered this girl: http://cracked.tumblr.com/post/32253919728/after-going-viral-on-reddits-funny-section-for

I'm an atheist myself, but when I read her reply, I thought, gosh, I wish more people would recognise the truth that she's speaking:

"By crying ‘mine, mine’ and changing this body-tool, we are essentially living in ego and creating a seperateness between ourselves and the divinity within us. By transcending societal views of beauty, I believe that I can focus more on my actions. My attitude and thoughts and actions have more value in them than my body because I recognize that this body is just going to become ash in the end, so why fuss about it? When I die, no one is going to remember what I looked like, heck, my kids will forget my voice, and slowly, all physical memory will fade away. However, my impact and legacy will remain: and, by not focusing on the physical beauty, I have time to cultivate those inner virtues and hopefully, focus my life on creating change and progress for this world in any way I can. So, to me, my face isn’t important but the smile and the happiness that lie behind the face are."

Crochetluvr

My original post got cut off and I cant edit it so I am reposting.

When I was on match.com, there were a lot of men who were looking for "fit, trim, atheletic" women....who were far from any of those things themselves. Hypocrisy at its worst!

Have you noticed that when you see commercials with a husband and wife, the wife is usually thin and cute and the man has a beer belly? Sheesh!

nphect

i can't relate, i find women 10-15 years older than me to be hot half the time. This 55 year old woman in my gym has the best *kitten* ive ever seen, and she knows it too. Sooo i dunno what this guy is talking about.

then me rephrase: more than half the time.

hughtwalker

Sounds like a fake letter to me based on a perception that a fit man in his 40s (with an education and a decent job) would want an excuse to date someone younger.
.

I agree - I mentioned a few pages ago that this "Abby?" person referred to him 'trolling' at the gym and that sums it up for me. I am amazed that the thread has run this long.

ZugTheMegasaurus

I just read through the entire thread and noticed something among the majority here. It seems like most women here who are agreeing with the letter have the attitude of, "It's not that hard, really. Put on a little makeup, wear figure-flattering clothes, take pride in your appearance. I do it every day so there's no reason others shouldn't."

That's all well and good, but these commenters invariably think that what they're doing meets the standard this guy is talking about. What if it's not? What if your bit of mascara and lipstick and well-fitting clothing falls into his "not taking care of themselves" category? What if you're exactly who he's whining about? When do his expectations become unreasonable?

Honestly, I'm sitting here in full makeup, hair done (as well as I can manage), in my nice work clothes and shoes, and I didn't think for an instant that I would meet the letter-writer's standards. I was fairly surprised upon reading through the comments how low people think the bar is set. If it's just a matter of running a brush through your hair and not wearing stuff that's stained, then this guy wouldn't be having such a hard time finding those people. They're everywhere, take a look around (you don't even have to get up, just look at how many people in this very thread hold themselves at least that standard).

A few people have mentioned it, but it's worth repeating that the insulting part of his letter isn't that the guy wants an attractive partner. Of course we can't fault people for wanting to be attracted to the person they get into an intimate relationship with; that's an integral part of it. What's insane about the letter is that this guy is apparently living in a universe where women are wholly unaware that they're expected to be attractive. It's condescending in the extreme for him to conclude that women are just completely oblivious to the fact that men look at them. They get it; it's just that perhaps they aren't interested in doing what he wants them to.

TheRoadDog

the funny thing about this is..you can bet the guy writing it is fat and bald.

:smokin: that is highly probable........:bigsmile:

Hey now. I'm just height and weight disproportionate with an advanced recding hirline.

anneerick

I just read through the entire thread and noticed something among the majority here. It seems like most women here who are agreeing with the letter have the attitude of, "It's not that hard, really. Put on a little makeup, wear figure-flattering clothes, take pride in your appearance. I do it every day so there's no reason others shouldn't."

That's all well and good, but these commenters invariably think that what they're doing meets the standard this guy is talking about. What if it's not? What if your bit of mascara and lipstick and well-fitting clothing falls into his "not taking care of themselves" category? What if you're exactly who he's whining about? When do his expectations become unreasonable?

Honestly, I'm sitting here in full makeup, hair done (as well as I can manage), in my nice work clothes and shoes, and I didn't think for an instant that I would meet the letter-writer's standards. I was fairly surprised upon reading through the comments how low people think the bar is set. If it's just a matter of running a brush through your hair and not wearing stuff that's stained, then this guy wouldn't be having such a hard time finding those people. They're everywhere, take a look around (you don't even have to get up, just look at how many people in this very thread hold themselves at least that standard).

A few people have mentioned it, but it's worth repeating that the insulting part of his letter isn't that the guy wants an attractive partner. Of course we can't fault people for wanting to be attracted to the person they get into an intimate relationship with; that's an integral part of it. What's insane about the letter is that this guy is apparently living in a universe where women are wholly unaware that they're expected to be attractive. It's condescending in the extreme for him to conclude that women are just completely oblivious to the fact that men look at them. They get it; it's just that perhaps they aren't interested in doing what he wants them to.

Couldn't agree with you more. Very well said!! :drinker:

yoovie

good idea : casually running errands in lounge/gym clothes




bad idea: letting yourself go

_Elemenopee_

I just read through the entire thread and noticed something among the majority here. It seems like most women here who are agreeing with the letter have the attitude of, "It's not that hard, really. Put on a little makeup, wear figure-flattering clothes, take pride in your appearance. I do it every day so there's no reason others shouldn't."

That's all well and good, but these commenters invariably think that what they're doing meets the standard this guy is talking about. What if it's not? What if your bit of mascara and lipstick and well-fitting clothing falls into his "not taking care of themselves" category? What if you're exactly who he's whining about? When do his expectations become unreasonable?

Honestly, I'm sitting here in full makeup, hair done (as well as I can manage), in my nice work clothes and shoes, and I didn't think for an instant that I would meet the letter-writer's standards. I was fairly surprised upon reading through the comments how low people think the bar is set. If it's just a matter of running a brush through your hair and not wearing stuff that's stained, then this guy wouldn't be having such a hard time finding those people. They're everywhere, take a look around (you don't even have to get up, just look at how many people in this very thread hold themselves at least that standard).

A few people have mentioned it, but it's worth repeating that the insulting part of his letter isn't that the guy wants an attractive partner. Of course we can't fault people for wanting to be attracted to the person they get into an intimate relationship with; that's an integral part of it. What's insane about the letter is that this guy is apparently living in a universe where women are wholly unaware that they're expected to be attractive. It's condescending in the extreme for him to conclude that women are just completely oblivious to the fact that men look at them. They get it; it's just that perhaps they aren't interested in doing what he wants them to.

And this is why I love you, Zug

fbmandy55

I will always care about my appearance in public. Once you are in a couple, you arent just representing yourself anymore. if youre single and wanna frump around town, and dont care if you arent getting dates or promotions or whatever - fine. I dont feel the same way once you are in a couple.

The face you present to the world, your best foot forward and your bright face out in public... is going to reflect on my other half as well, and I would hope that when people come across just me - They dont think to themselves... Ohhhhhh so THAT's the weakest link in that whole relationship. Nope.

I care alot a lot allot a l o t about my reputation, in a city that demands you do so, in a competitive as heck world. And because I love my hypothetical other half, I'd like to reflect well on him as well.

This is so true. I work in a Real Estate industry and cannot tell you how many times I have heard comments about a person, or their spouse's appearance. "They guy with the wife that looks like a hooker" or "I can't believe our top agent wore jeans a a tee shirt to a business luncheon." Our last board president is what one may call "white trash". I love her, she is awesome as a person but she regularly wore straight leg jeans, old, ratty sweaters, never a lick of makeup and always stringy hair in a ponytail and most people did not take her seriously at all or respect her.

yoovie

I will always care about my appearance in public. Once you are in a couple, you arent just representing yourself anymore. if youre single and wanna frump around town, and dont care if you arent getting dates or promotions or whatever - fine. I dont feel the same way once you are in a couple.

The face you present to the world, your best foot forward and your bright face out in public... is going to reflect on my other half as well, and I would hope that when people come across just me - They dont think to themselves... Ohhhhhh so THAT's the weakest link in that whole relationship. Nope.

I care alot a lot allot a l o t about my reputation, in a city that demands you do so, in a competitive as heck world. And because I love my hypothetical other half, I'd like to reflect well on him as well.

This is so true. I work in a Real Estate industry and cannot tell you how many times I have heard comments about a person, or their spouse's appearance. "They guy with the wife that looks like a hooker" or "I can't believe our top agent wore jeans a a tee shirt to a business luncheon." Our last board president is what one may call "white trash". I love her, she is awesome as a person but she regularly wore straight leg jeans, old, ratty sweaters, never a lick of makeup and always stringy hair in a ponytail and most people did not take her seriously at all or respect her.

YES!! THIS!!!