are all men the same?!!

trackstack

Just NM

oregonzoo

Just NM

haha

GuybrushThreepw00d

You see my white hair. I can tell you men never change. What you see is what you get.

Best post yet.
Don't expect change.

If you haven't got the sort of relationship before you get married, it won't change after.

Also. IMO having kids is a bigger commitment that getting married.. If he's not living up to your expectations now, I doubt it'll get easier unless he acknowledges there's a problem and tries to fix it.

VelociMama

Clearly it's about balance. He's only home on weekends... he has lots of relationships to maintain and while I'm sure you are important to him his friends are too.

Perhaps he shouldn't be trying to do it all every weekend... prehaps he is spreading himself too thin. Try to negotiate with him. See if he will agree to 'family only' weekends reserved for you and the kids. But then allow him to have weekends where he is free to see his friends.

I agree with this. When you bring it up, try to spin it in a positive light. Instead of saying, "Why don't you want to be home with us?" say, "We'd like to spend more time with you. How about we do something every Saturday or Sunday together? Fun family date?" Friendships are really important to him, clearly, so he probably is just trying to maintain those and not lose them like a lot of married people end up doing.

Sit down and talk to him calmly and with an open mind to hear his thoughts on it. DO NOT allow yourself to get overemotional when you talk to him either, even if he pushes your buttons. Keep your cool and stay rational.

djsupreme6

NO....all men aren't the same...however in this situation where there's a problem it should be discussed very frankly and detailed...of course don't start an argument about it cause it can't be all about you...If this is something he enjoys doing then thats just that really. Bigger problems will come if you try and force him to do something or choose..now when I say force by no means would I mean he has to be forced to spend time with his family...he just needs to unwind a little and this is his way of doing that....spending time with kids...wife...whatever isn't necessarily unwinding...I can only speak for myself as there isn't enough known about everything else in this situation such as...his thoughts and if this hanging out with friends is the whole weekend or just a night....but...for me...If my girl came to me and was honest how she felt and didn't try and manipulate me in any way then i'd make the decision on my own...you must let him decide

Newf77

No, not all men are the same, but then again it does not sound like you are in a relationship with a man. You are kids having kids, you were forced to grow-up and take responsibility, he wants to still sow his wild oats.
Get down to the court house and ensure that you get a court order to ensure he pays child support. You have had your fun now you will need to place the party on hold and hope that you can find a guy who is looking for a premade family.

Jamie_Lauren

Men are not all the same but they won't change a thing if they don't want to. Life's too short to base your happiness off another person, if you're unhappy and you've voiced your concerns and the behaviour is still going then you will drive yourself crazy if you keep expecting miracles.

You're perfectly justified for how you feel, but in all honesty it sounds to me like he just isn't ready to settle down and be a "family man". Most men seem to think that means waving goodbye to their former lives and handing their balls over to the Mrs (and for some that's probably true). That's probably not his fault either, often times men just don't "get" what it is we "expect" of them. :ohwell:

It sounds like it's time to have the talk about what HE wants. If he can't decide, then give him an out. If he takes it, he's a coward and you can find somebody better. :flowerforyou:

luvsbks

WOW! Seriously! That is your solution? (This is in response to Newf77)

jetscreaminagain

let me guess all the guys reading this think im a nagging b***h now right?

i do

Yeah me too. But I'm female in case that matters.

Here's the thing about passive aggressive people (nags) .They think because they have a problem or a feeling that they don't like it compels someone else to fix it. That simply isn't the case when you're a grown up.

You keep responding "thank you " when people comment on the shoddy treatment you're receiving. But you do it like you scored a point and clearly he needs to change. Bug your boyfriend isn't in a relationship with that stranger on the Internet. He's in a relationship with you. For whatever reason the pattern you've settled in is ok in the relationship : he does what he does. You nag. He ignores you and does what he does.

So you'll talk again. How will it be different this time you talk? "A bunch of people on the Internet agree with me! " is not likely to make anything different, and if you said that to me id laugh in your face.

Here's a hint. People treat you how you train people to treat you. You say no when **** isn't ok. You establish your boundaries. You communicate boundaries and expectations. When someone ignores or violates them. You respond. If it keeps happening they aren't worthy of your time and they gotsta go.

Melroxsox

Engaged and already nagging, no wonder he wants to go out with his friends.

You should encourage him. That'll mind trip him

this.

flowerpoweredme

My first husband was the same, I have me rope to enjoy himself and he hung himself. I stuck with his crap for 8 years and then had enough. I believe you cannot change people he will be whatever he wants to be! If you find it hard talking to him without getting excited write him a letter and put your heart in it, give him the choices of the family life or the single life, tell him how hurt you are. If he carries on you will know his choice.. Don't waste years of your life being unhappy..

Since my divorce I have married 2 more wonderful men, my second husband was taken to cancer and I remarried just over a year ago. All men a different as our we..

Oh and the sad thing is my first husband is now 50 and still lives the sad, drunk single like.. Goes home to nothing..

dg730

so im having a hard time with my ole man right now.. just dont know what to do.. he seems to think that spending time with his friends is more important than spending time with me and the kids.. your not single anymore your engaged for crying out loud!! this is getting old fast and to be honest its kinda making me re think getting married. cause i sure as hell am not putting up with this for the rest of my life. i will not be put 2nd!! i know that sounds bad... am i going to far with this? am i in the wrong/ what would you do?

Is he the father of your kids? If so, it may be worth riding it out. They go through stages like children
And the stages seem to repeat them selfs over and over. Most good, however some drive us crazy.

untouchable86

Here's the thing.. Please don't be defesive in reading this..

Its very easy to see things from your own point of view, but its harder to put on his shoes to see how things look from his perspective.

You said 1 - he's out of town during the week, and only gets to enjoy weekends at home and 2 - you've tried to reason with him before on trying to spend more time with you when he's home.

So, I assume that while he is gone out of town at work, he spends time texting/talking/emailing you. I doubt seriously that he does that with his friends as much as he does with you during the week.

So here's this guy who feels like he works hard during the week, away from everyone that he cares about, so when he comes home, he probably feels that he deserves to be able to relax, kick back, and enjoy himself after a hard work week... and rightfully so, as do you.

So enter the 2nd part of this equation.. you said that you had tried to talk to him about wanting to be 'first' in his life. I'm asking you to ask yourself this, not to answer to me specifically, but to yourself...be honest with yourself...
Was the converstaion, a calm unheated discussion about how you feel about not spending the time you want... or was it an accusatory, "you care more about your friends than you do about me." Men... no... people in general do not respond well to anything accusatory. A good way to say this (in a calm way when you're both in a good state of mind) is, "I'm so glad that you are willing to work hard during the week to support your family; you're a great man for that. I love you and love so many things about you, and I miss you while you're gone, and was wondering if you could schedule some family time during your home time."

So.. still thinking in his shoes... he works during the week... wants to relax... so.. if you're on him about spending time with him, he isn't going to want to be in a stressful situation. He wants to enjoy his time... does he want to be with someone that he feels is nagging... or with his friends that he can cut up with... that he doesn't spend his time texting/calling emailing during the week.

Rest assured, i'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid, I get it... But you know the term 'you catch more flies with honey' ??
Give him a little breathing room and acknowledge that he's working hard during the week.

There's this cycle in relationships.. men don't feel that their women respect them, so they don't show that they love them as much... women don't feel that the men show them they love them, so they don't show them the respect. Stop the cycle, and I'm sure your situation will change. ;-)

you are absolutely right thank you. i will give it a try

untouchable86

Not all guys are the same, sure I enjoy my time with my friends but I really enjoy time with my wife. I never plan anything before checking with her and including her as much as possible.

well see he doesnt even do this .. he just says im going here be back shortly and 10hrs later hes back

untouchable86

I feel for you. A lot of good advice here though. The best advice is about NOT starting an argument. I'd even say that to him when you start, "I do NOT want to argue with you, but you should know how I feel and then I would like to know how you feel." That sets the stage for a calm and honest discussion about both of your needs. He definitely sounds like hes not ready to settle down. Has he been like this the whole time you've been together or is this recent? I'm sure you feel just like a single mom and that's wrong.


To Peter Pan - Miss Priss busted you cold and I'm sure she's too smart to want to start an insult war with you. SMH.

well it was like this years ago when we first got together, we talked and things hanged but here recently its starting back up

untouchable86

let me guess all the guys reading this think im a nagging b***h now right?

Nagging? I don't know of anyone (female or male) who start off intending to nag but it happens. I would say that you seem like you are focused on your needs. Clear communications can be tough, especially once the defenses are up.

Instead of laying your wants, needs and expectations on him, how about turning the situation upside-down? Try asking him about his wants, needs and expectations. Don't make it into a confrontation, rather approach him in a loving way... explain that you want to make the relationship more fulfilling for both of you... show compassion and consideration for him and see what he has to say. Listen to his answers and don't judge or criticize...

have yet to know a man who responds to "how do you feel honey" with more than a grunt, an orgasm and the need for a sammich.. :laugh:

Okay, not really, but men are not "feelings talkers"

what is the big deal with working men who come home every damn night of the week, going out once in awhile?? I dont get it? Mine chooses not to, mainly due to money, but he used to and that was OKAY! Damn women are so insecure these days!! You know, if you chose a man who didnt cheat, was honest and you went into a marriage KNOWING these things/. there wouldnt be an issue here.. TRUST is key.. damn shame so many relationships dont have it!!!

first of all my man is not a sorry *kitten*! next of all i do trust him. i love him with all of my heart. i know he would never cheat on me or even think of it. all i want is to spend some time with him and stop feeling like im being put 2nd to everyone and everything else. thats all i want.

untouchable86

Or you can stand there naked holding a bacon burger and a beer when he gets home.

LMAO! i bet he wouldnt leave then haha

taunto

Not all guys are the same, sure I enjoy my time with my friends but I really enjoy time with my wife. I never plan anything before checking with her and including her as much as possible.

well see he doesnt even do this .. he just says im going here be back shortly and 10hrs later hes back

No offense to the guy you quoted but your man and the person you quoted sounds like 2 different people. Your man isn't a spineless turtle who needs your permission.

untouchable86

I find that I am very glad I am not married to a lot of these answering posters.
No, they're not all the same.

me too! alot of them are just being total ****s! i did no make this post to start a fight.. i was looking for advice.

untouchable86

Clearly it's about balance. He's only home on weekends... he has lots of relationships to maintain and while I'm sure you are important to him his friends are too.

Perhaps he shouldn't be trying to do it all every weekend... prehaps he is spreading himself too thin. Try to negotiate with him. See if he will agree to 'family only' weekends reserved for you and the kids. But then allow him to have weekends where he is free to see his friends.

I agree with this. When you bring it up, try to spin it in a positive light. Instead of saying, "Why don't you want to be home with us?" say, "We'd like to spend more time with you. How about we do something every Saturday or Sunday together? Fun family date?" Friendships are really important to him, clearly, so he probably is just trying to maintain those and not lose them like a lot of married people end up doing.

Sit down and talk to him calmly and with an open mind to hear his thoughts on it. DO NOT allow yourself to get overemotional when you talk to him either, even if he pushes your buttons. Keep your cool and stay rational.

yes mamn. thank you