How do you feel about stay-at-home parents?

Espresso345

Definitely not for me (no kids and I have a fidgety disposition) but I would not judge someone if they chose to stay at home. I think that's a choice best made by a couple, after a thorough discussion.

I also think working parents and SAH parents need to call a truce - there is no one "best" way to run a marriage/raise a family.

CharityEaton

I stay at home...my youngest just went off to kindergarten. I asked my husband if I should go back to work...he said, " no way, you are still a mom and they will still get sick and need you. We managed to get by without 2 incomes all this time why would we need it now? You love your volunteer time at the school and I love knowing that I don't have to rush home on days that I have a ton of work. I love that you can come have lunch with me. I want you to stay at home."

So of course, I still stay at home! I LOVE it! I think I work harder now then I ever did at a job...why, because it is for the people I love and the only payment I get is their total happiness and knowing that I was there every time they needed me! In time I will go back to work but not until they are much older!

Our situation is much more flexible than most people as my husband works for his family's business but there are times that he has very awful hours and we don't see much of him for a few days...then there are times that we see a whole lot of him. We are very, very lucky to have the situation that we do and we try our best to take full advantage of it and remember that we are super lucky.
For example we both are able to put the kids on the bus every morning and we are both( I'm always here) usually home to get them off the bus. He has the ability to attend all kinds of in-class activities at their school with me too. We are very fortunate and I thank God every day that we got so lucky!!!

bushidowoman

You can just talk freely or use the following questions to guide you! Thanks for sharing your perspective!


If you're the SAHP (stay at home parent) ...are your envious that your spouse gets to "escape" ...even if it is for work?

Do you like staying at home?

If you're the off-to-work parent...are you resentful that your spouse stays at home? Do you care that your spouse isn't contributing to the household income?

What would the ideal arrangement look like for you?

My hubby and I have always been a "tag team". We both work 12-hour shifts in the hospital; I work 2 shifts a week, and he works three. The children always have a parent at home with them. This situation is ideal for us.

My heart is in my home, with my children and family. I am with them *most* of the time. When I am not with them, I am quite confident they are well taken care of by their loving Daddy.
At the same time, I do get away from the house some, and I think that's good for all of us. I would get burned out being with the kids *all the time*. I make decent money working those 2 shifts, and it contributes significantly to our household budget. It's nice to have a little extra to go places and do things together instead of barely scraping by (as we were when I tried to stay home full time).

Since hubby and I have similar jobs (we both work in critical care units), I understand what his day is like when he is at work. I have no illusions that it is glamorous, he doesn't always get to socialize at work, sometimes his lunch is peanut butter and crackers because he is literally on his feet *the whole time*. That's what it is like for me sometimes, too. Because he is responsible for running the house when I am not home (we have six children), he understands what my day is like. He has no illusions of me sitting on the couch watching soaps and eating bon bons. It's just as hard working at home as it is outside the home! It's just a different kind of work! We just have a better understanding of each other, and that helps us to be able to work together as a team.

Because he is responsible for the kids a couple days out of the week, he is very involved with them. He's perfectly competent at changing diapers, feeding, refereeing fights, soothing cranky toddlers, getting the schoolwork done, planning supper, caring for them when they are sick, etc. He enjoys the close relationship he has with his children. And I love to watch them interact.

beccannes

I think that no matter what decision a married couple makes-whether it is the one stay at home or both works there is always pros and cons. With that being said I do not think that a decision like that should affect your marriage negatively. Those who work should be not resentful for not being home w/the kids and vice versa. When something like resentment comes into a relationship it is unhealthy. I am sure there are times where the one who would work would wish they didn't have to and I am sure there would be times where the one who stayed at home wishes they could escape. I think it all comes down to respect and understanding. Staying at home is a full time job and pulling yourself out of bed each day to go to work is difficult too. Mutual respect and understanding is the key. If the one who works takes the children for the evening and if the one that stays at home lets the one who works unwind the next evening there is balance. Marriage is a partnership where each role is just as important as the other and the couple should be helpful to each other.

To me an ideal situation would be one of the parents staying home although for my husband and I we both work full time.

MinMin97

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

I'm trying to figure out if you are joking or if you are serious. I pretty sure you'll find few SAHP who make this a reality. Personally, I spend/t my days cleaning, cooking, wiping noses and booties, teaching, meeting other mamas to talk about kids and let kids play, drinking coffee so that I can last until my husband comes home, etc......My short breaks are watching the news, FB/MFP here or there when DD is occupied by herself for few min. Learning instruments? Writing books? Yeah...not in this world lol Paining and drawing, YES. This includes flowers, shapes, and stick people :laugh:

Thank you. I wasn't sure I could explain it

Until someone has actually had children, i believe there is NOOOO way you can explain just how personally inconvenienced you get lol! I'm home therefore I have all this time on my hands lol.....

klacount77

I was a SAHM for 7 years. At the time I had 4 kids at home and during those 7 years gave birth to two more. I hated it. Every day I hated it. SAHM life is not for me. I resented my spouse, resented my kids and quite literally became a person I hated. My 6 kids are all well-adjusted, happy successful students. I do not have working mommy guilt at all. I never miss a school function or event, I never miss a doctor appointment or milestone. I am a better mother and wife when I leave home and go to work every day.

However, after living that life, I do get very angry and upset with SAHP who feel the need to show or tell me how much better off my kids would be if I were a SAHP. I hold no judgement or ill will toward any stay at home parent. I do not find a SAHP to be lacking financial contribution. SAHP's actually save the family money in child care expense, gas, illness, injuries and are often the most ingenious when it comes to saving time and money. They are usually able to spend less and produce more than the average working parent. I have a lot of respect for SAHP's ... I just wish that most of them could return that respect to the working parent because we work just as hard. I have lived both sides of that life and find that neither one is easier or harder, just different.

saucyred416

i'm a stay at home mom of 2 kids 3 and 4 months and i love it. i have no other choice right now because there is no daycare in my area and my hubby is deployed but i love it. some days i miss adults but i'm so used to this lifestyle that i couldn't handle work i don't think. i love my cuddle time and naps. we have a farm so that helps but next year were doing a daycare, stay home and make some income!

photochic81

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

If you are speaking of stay at home spouses then maybe your comment makes sense. If you are speaking of sah parents, the whole point is to care for the kids! That is the hobby, we are the instrument , we write and read books everyday with our children, we dance, draw and paint with the children. I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and see no way or reason for me to get involved in anything but what we do at home! I have friends and have time away from home, but when I am at home with the kids when do I have the time to get a hobby. We spend time out w/ friends nd socialize as well. One child goes to pre k 3 days a week, that gives me time to spend one on one w/ the younger.

I question if you have children b/c your statement that you would fulfill intrinsic movies in your life, and you woul have much more time as a sahm.......how? Where would the kids be? You seem to forget about the kids that people stay at home with.

It sounds like you think sahm's just sit and watch tv all day. Not to be rude but I don't think you have a good idea on parents.

MeDoula

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

I'm trying to figure out if you are joking or if you are serious. I pretty sure you'll find few SAHP who make this a reality. Personally, I spend/t my days cleaning, cooking, wiping noses and booties, teaching, meeting other mamas to talk about kids and let kids play, drinking coffee so that I can last until my husband comes home, etc......My short breaks are watching the news, FB/MFP here or there when DD is occupied by herself for few min. Learning instruments? Writing books? Yeah...not in this world lol Paining and drawing, YES. This includes flowers, shapes, and stick people :laugh:

Thank you. I wasn't sure I could explain it

Until someone has actually had children, i believe there is NOOOO way you can explain just how personally inconvenienced you get lol! I'm home therefore I have all this time on my hands lol.....

Seriously! Raising a child (SAHM) and being a homemaker are the most challenging jobs I've had in my life. I'm ready to call it a night by 5 pm IF I could. :laugh:

I love DD and just remember how fast she's grown already. She won't be little forever and there will be times in the future where I will miss her being little. I already miss her being a baby lol but it's still hard at times.

magj0y

I never intended to be a stay at home mom, but when they were in 1st and 4th grade, that's just how it ended up. I never really liked it. I was bored out of my mind, actually. (I was a stay at home mom with my 1st one until she was in pre-k and the youngest was 2, I couldn't do it anymore) They are now almost 17 and 19. The oldest is in college. Why am I STILL a stay at home mom? They have medical issues and the oldest can't drive and there are no buses. I drive her to school/work/dr's appts. 1 dr is in another town. The youngest has color guard /band practice. It's been very taxing on my mental health. I really dislike it.
I stumbled upon this this today;


A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog,
walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

miadhail

I don't judge any other mother for her choice to stay at home or not. Every mother, or father, does what's best for THEIR family, and I have absolutely no business to judge their choices, even if they differ from mine. My husbands parents both worked and he went to daycare. He turned out great. My mother was a SAHM. I turned out great (contrary to popular belief). As long as a child is raised with love, be it by one parent, two parents, or a loving guardian, that child will turn out absolutely fine.

So true! I really like the above ^^

GiddyupTim

I was a reporter on an afternoon newspaper before I was a stay-at-home father. We had five different deadlines a day, and when the editor told you to get a story, you had to get it, whether there was an hour or only 15 minutes. I thought that job was the most stressful job you could have.
I was wrong. My hair started falling out from the stress when I was home with the kids. Granted, some of that stress was due to being in the situation where I had no income, and where I was worried about my future career prospects, but much was because looking after kids is hard. On the newspaper, a deadline passed, you had done what you had done, and you could breathe a sigh of relief. When you are a stay-at-home parent, there is NO down time. There is no deadline that passes. You sit the kids down to eat, and, just as you are ready to take your seat, they are done and ready to go again. You want to read an article or watch a TV program, they need some attention.
I think it is extra hard for a male too. Men who work cannot relate to your situation at all. They can ask other men: "So, how is work?" or "how'd that project go?" But they are not really comfortable asking: "So, how are the kids?" especially given that it is something completely foreign to anything they have ever done. They just simply do not know what to ask about.
Then there are the women see. When you are a stay-at-home parent, you go to a lot of places where there are other stay-at-home parents. Most of them are women. Most women who stay home tend to be traditional types, and most traditional types don't know what to make of a man who does not fit their idea of a man. They feel threatened by a man who is not a "man" and they feel that your are interloping on their turf. I swear to god that, when I walked into the park with my kids during the day time, conversation would stop dead.
It was a rather lonely five years.
On the other hand, it was incredibly meaningful and I would do it again without hesitation.

vmekash

I worked. And was very sad. Always felt like I was missing something, and that my kids might be missing someting important too. But we could not afford to have one of us stay home. Note, I had no career. I had a job. Not fulfilling at all.

My kids are older now (youngest is 16). And, NOW, we're able to aford to have me home. Before quitting my job (at my husband's suggestion), I told my husband that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have a problem w/working while he stays home. I told him that I knew that my feelings are totally unfair, but they are what they are and I was being honest. Then I asked him, now knowing my feelings, whether he would still be okay w/ my quitting. He actually told me he'd prefer it. If all he had to do was work, his stress level would be significantly reduced -- knowing I would take care of all things home, kids, food/cooking, etc. Plus, he loves his work/career. It makes a difference - job v. career. And he'd be much more available to help out w/ whatever I need, as my being home would free up his time when he IS home.

Anyway, I quit my job at the end of last year. Money is not what it used to be, but we are both much happier, and my kids, albeit older) are enjoying being able to count on me w/o anyone having to make special arrangements when they need a parent.

All that said, I was envious of SAHPs. It was all I ever wanted -- being home and taking care of my family.

...and they lived happily ever after.

beccannes

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

I work full time and have never experienced the job of being a SAHM although I am not so ignorant to think they would have enough time to add activities in their days. At least not the good moms:) The ones that *really* do their jobs is the ones that *pour* their attention onto their children and maintain their household. Prompts to all of the SAHM's out there!!

DontStopB_Leakin

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

Do you even have kids? I'm not trying to sound rude but seriously who would be taking care of the kids and household while you are "taking advantage of new hobbies"?

Actually, I've picked up loads of new hobbies while being a SAHM. Granted, I have one child, and he's ridiculously independant, but still, it's inaccurate to assume that all SAHMs have no time for anything other than cleaning, cooking, and child rearing.

How old is your "ridiculously independent" lil one? Mine is 3 and between dads 14 plus hour shifts and park time, teaching him about food, what little exercise i get and sleep there isn't much time for anything else at the moment. Maybe when he is better at taking care of himself and me not teaching him about life outside I might be able to work in a hobby with my household chores. I do read but its for like 10 mins til I pass out from exhaustion at night. haha

Mine is three.

After reading several responses to what this girl posted, I'm starting to think I'm just lucky. It's not that I don't participate with him, it's that my child wants to do everything himself. When he plays outside, he wants to do so alone. I read a book and monitor him. When it's crafts time (fingerpaints, model dough, coloring, etc.), I give him the tools and he goes to town. I'm simply there for cleanup afterwards. When it's building time, I'm there to ensure he cleans up his mess. He simply loves doing things by himself, and he can do the same thing for hours on end.

*shrugs* All I'm saying is, not at SAHM are exhausted at the end of the day. I cook, I clean, I do daily household chores, and I raise my child to the best of my ability. And come 9 pm, I still have loads of energy to do whatever. And, I've been able to do numerous DIY projects, and have taught myself a number of new crafts, while being a stay at home parent.

tetecia

Currently i'm a SAHM.....I go to school 4 days a week and i take 4 classes (12 units). My eldest is 6 1/2 and he's in first grade, but he's in an afternoon and morning enrichment program that helps him with his homework (he's in a Chinese program, so it's a bit hard some assignments) and then in the afternoon when class is out he's doing Karate, Drum Line and Drama 3 days a week. We love keeping him busy and he's super excited about it.

My almost 4 year old is in All day Head Start, we take her from 8am-4pm. The programs help's her so much. She's opened up to so many people in the past 2 years and has learned so many new and exciting things.
I did the SAHM thing with both of them staying home all day with me when i was pregnant with my Toddler and it drove me crazy!! It just wasn't for me. It wasn't that i hated being with my kids, it's just that it was really hard for me to do it all day long without a break. When my daughter turned 2 i went back to school.

Next month i get my second AA, and i'm going to take a semester break from school and go back in August. During that time, obviously the kids are going to continue in school. My Son will be out of 1st grade in June and i'll have the summer with him and my daughter will just continue in the pre-school program until she's old enough for Kindergarten (not until Fall 2014)

The only way we are able to do this is because my husband works full time and i also receive SSDI/SSI. I can't work any longer due to my health, but i'm sure glad that although i'm at SAHM i'm able to contribute financially anyhow .

Being a SAHM is a hectic and non-stop job! I had no idea how demanding it truly is until after i had my second. With my first i was in school full time until he was 8 months, then i did a 1 month extern, then i went back to work full time when he was 13 months and only did that for a year. I'm glad my kids are getting old enough to be in school, because i feel like i'm not cut out to constantly be with kids 24/7

TropicalFlowerz

I have it the best I think.....I wrk from 12:30 pm-3:30 pm,..m-f right at my boys elementry school,...weekends/holidays off!! great pay!,..and I get to see them!! I LOVE IT!

vidvox

I was home for my year of mat leave (Canadian here) and much as I greatly enjoyed the bonding time with my son, I was hopeless at getting things done around the house. I am not a well-organized person, much as I try, and keeping up with housework, etc. while taking care of my DS caused me huge amounts of stress. When the year was up there was no question that I would return to my (highly-structured) job. My husband worked part-time from home for the next couple of years and we had grandma/aunt come in to help with childcare when he was working. This made financial sense, since I was the higher wage-earner. However, my husband somewhat regrets taking that time away from his career. We know it was great for our son to be with family for the early years of his life, but truthfully, if we were to do it again, we might have done things differently, and looked into daycare instead after that first year.

MinMin97

.....

Seriously! Raising a child (SAHM) and being a homemaker are the most challenging jobs I've had in my life. I'm ready to call it a night by 5 pm IF I could. :laugh:

I love DD and just remember how fast she's grown already. She won't be little forever and there will be times in the future where I will miss her being little. I already miss her being a baby lol but it's still hard at times.

So true:)
And for me it is so much easier physically after they are past toddlerhood. And my children have totally great attitudes, so the older ones are so much fun.

MyPsalm63

I'm so very Blessed to be able to Stay at home with my children (Homeschool as well). There are times I wish I got out a bit more. Some days can be overwhelming but I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't want to miss out on their lives. It passes all to quickly. My Husband is very wonderful about letting me have the breaks I need though. I'm so Thankful for him.