How do you feel about stay-at-home parents?

Innerautumn

I stayed home with my first two kids until they were in preschool. I then worked at the preschool and we were all together. I was going to school to be a teacher and once they were in school, I was teaching at their school. We were always together. I had a surprise pregnancy when my oldest was 12. I cried and cried, thinking of how I would not bond with this baby. I had been there for my other two, but now I worked and I couldn't stay home. MY SCHOOL LET ME BRING MY BABY! I put a swing and a playpen in my room. I had a full-time aide and a part-time aide in my room. I fed her and changed her when the kids were at recess. For the first five months, she was almost always in a sling on my chest. When she was about six months old, she became a reading center. I would strap her in her seat and kids would sit in a circle around her and read to her. School ended when she was nine months old and I put her in day care the following year. She needed mobility by then. I was a working stay-at-home-mom for her first year. It was the BEST gift anyone ever gave to me!

photochic81

For those of you calling me ignorant, dumb, child-less, etc., you do not know me personally nor do you know my values & how I am within a household. I may not have my own children, but I have lived with children of all ages & types for my entire life because my mother is the matriarch of the family.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen my cousins, sisters, aunts, so on & so forth, use their free time to watch 2-3 hours of TV while their child was sleeping or busy playing with a toy. I personally do not watch TV and am the type of person whom would use that time to exercise, read a book, dance, write, draw, etc.

I don't know what kind of parent you are, & I won't dare judge or assume, but If mothers have time to watch TV, they have time to do something more productive that can be just as relaxing & fun, period.

I never once said that I would ignore my children, nor did I say that I wouldn't attend to them accordingly. One member said that she had a career. I also assume that, because you're on MFP, you spend at least 30 minutes a day working on your health & fitness in moderate exercise. That's also time taken away from your children.

You're doing the exact same thing that I had in mind (focusing on health, expanding & fulfilling oneself), except the difference is that you're out of the house doing it. What would make any other non-SAHM different from a SAHM that wanted to do intrinsic, self-motivated activities from her home?

If mothers have time to watch tv they have time to do something more productive that can be just as relaxing. I would much rather watch tv than learn an instrument s you mentioned in your first post. Relaxing is subjective. And what one watches on tv could be much more productive than learning an instrument that will not only waste 'MY' time but in no way will it increase my intelligence for a productive life.

It's great that you like to read, dance, write and draw but I personally do not and your original post said you think sahm should do that w free time, why, b/c you enjoy it?

ashdred

I commend stay at home moms for the work that they do. It isn't easy.
It's just as hard having to go away from your child to work every day. Both are a struggle. Both are a sacrifice.
Having to do overnight trips never get easy.


I'm just not for the bashers of those who have to work. In a community where there should be and abundance of love, motherhood, there's always someone knocking the next. SAHMs, working moms, breast feeding moms, formula feeding moms, back sleepers, tummy sleepers, my kid has this, your kid has that, etc....

I will say that I was blessed with a provider who loves my child dearly. And just as he does at daycare, when we are at home, my husband and I read , play and spend lots of time with him.

Toya2xcel

I don't believe that the question of "would you ever become a SAHP?" can be truthfully be answered prior to having children yourself. I know we have all heard the saying "everything changes when you have kids". That statement is VERY true. You may find yourself doing things you thought you would never do before having children (i.e. being a SAHP)

beccannes

For those of you calling me ignorant, dumb, child-less, etc., you do not know me personally nor do you know my values & how I am within a household. I may not have my own children, but I have lived with children of all ages & types for my entire life because my mother is the matriarch of the family.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen my cousins, sisters, aunts, so on & so forth, use their free time to watch 2-3 hours of TV while their child was sleeping or busy playing with a toy. I personally do not watch TV and am the type of person whom would use that time to exercise, read a book, dance, write, draw, etc.

I don't know what kind of parent you are, & I won't dare judge or assume, but If mothers have time to watch TV, they have time to do something more productive that can be just as relaxing & fun, period.

I never once said that I would ignore my children, nor did I say that I wouldn't attend to them accordingly. One member said that she had a career. I also assume that, because you're on MFP, you spend at least 30 minutes a day working on your health & fitness in moderate exercise. That's also time taken away from your children.

You're doing the exact same thing that I had in mind (focusing on health, expanding & fulfilling oneself), except the difference is that you're out of the house doing it. What would make any other non-SAHM different from a SAHM that wanted to do intrinsic, self-motivated activities from her home?

Your original comment made it sound like you believed that all SAHM's have all of this time to pursue learning various skills. I just felt a need to speak up for those mothers who work hard as a SAHM and might not have the time/energy to put into something like that. For mothers who do have this time that is great, a lot of times it is mothers who have one child and that child is exceptionally good.
Your TV comment: Do I think it is wrong to watch TV while you are a SAHM? It really depends on the particular circumstance. For instance if a mother is watching TV to unwind while the child takes a nap there is 100% nothing wrong w/ that in my opinion. Everyone has their own way to recharge. It may be by watching TV for one mother or learning an instrument as you suggested to another. For me personally I enjoy reading!
Before I had children I was always around children as well. I would babysit in my free time as a teenager and I loved it! I honestly thought I knew everything about children/what it would be like to be a parent. I was greatly mistaken.

tabi26

For those of you calling me ignorant, dumb, child-less, etc., you do not know me personally nor do you know my values & how I am within a household. I may not have my own children, but I have lived with children of all ages & types for my entire life because my mother is the matriarch of the family.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen my cousins, sisters, aunts, so on & so forth, use their free time to watch 2-3 hours of TV while their child was sleeping or busy playing with a toy. I personally do not watch TV and am the type of person whom would use that time to exercise, read a book, dance, write, draw, etc.

I don't know what kind of parent you are, & I won't dare judge or assume, but If mothers have time to watch TV, they have time to do something more productive that can be just as relaxing & fun, period.

I never once said that I would ignore my children, nor did I say that I wouldn't attend to them accordingly. One member said that she had a career. I also assume that, because you're on MFP, you spend at least 30 minutes a day working on your health & fitness in moderate exercise. That's also time taken away from your children.

You're doing the exact same thing that I had in mind (focusing on health, expanding & fulfilling oneself), except the difference is that you're out of the house doing it. What would make any other non-SAHM different from a SAHM that wanted to do intrinsic, self-motivated activities from her home?

I think we should all just leave this chick alone! I mean, she clearly states she doesn't even have kids, so someday karma will get her!
Maybe she'll have a kid or two and sit around crying because her house is a shambles and she's constantly tired living on coffee. Probably even wonder when "disaster relief" will kick in and the army will show up to help her out. She'll probably even spend 20 or so minutes getting herself and her kids ready to go for a walk (ya know...to take that time "away" from the kids for exercise...even though she's strapping them into a stroller...not really sure how that's "taking time for yourself"), anyway kid is strapped in ready to go, and then it'll puke on itself or poop it's pants...oh look! Now she gets to start all over!

And that's "baby stage" just wait until her kids are running around or involved in MULTIPLE after school activities that involve planning, fundraising and a crap ton of driving!

Good luck sweety! Be sure to let us know about all of those "hobbies" and "books" you get accomplished!

Flab2fitfi

I'm a SAHM partly through and partly because one of my children is disabled and at one point was being home schooled. I have four children ranging from 2 to 13 and been a SAHM for 6 years.

My little one goes to nursery part time as I'm also studying to get my degree from home - about 25 hours study a week. TBH I'm looking forward to going back to work once I've completed my degree and the kids are older plus we have decided that we will both work part time.

I do get jealous of hubby sometimes as he manages to escape the mad house and have adult conversations. He tells me he hates missing out on the day to day stuff with the kids - I think whatever you do you can never get the perfect combination (well unless we win the lottery - give up work and have a housekeeper)

fishgutzy

When we lived in MA we couldn't afford to be a single income family and own a home. But when we moved to NC, working for my wife became optional. She discovered one of the problems with the feds meddling in local schools. Her teach8ing license from MA and years of experience didn't meet the requirements in NC.
Around the same time, health issues made it more difficult for her to work full time. And full time for a teacher is not 6 hours a day. It is also 4 to 6 hours a day at home correcting papers and class prep. At least for the good teachers, which my wife was.
But now as a SAHM, she is home for the kids when they get home from school. She has time during the day to do the things she needs to do to take care of her health. And she is an awesome cook. It is nice to come home to dinner being ready. Life was much more chaotic when she was teaching full time and she was exhausted much of the time.
Dual income isn't all it is cracked up to be. When you subtract the costs associated with both working outside the home, car maintenance, day care, after school care, it can take a big chunk out of the second income. When it costs 50+% of the second take home you have to ask yourself if it is worth it.
In NC, our household income is about 40% lower than it was in MA. But we live better in a bigger home with a bigger yard and two new cars in the garage. The kids love it too. Less stress. More energy.
Of course there is always the chance that the current administration will push tax changes to penalize single income married households because we don't pay as much in taxes as when we were two income. We take job opportunities from maid services, laundry services, take out restaurant sales, and day care staff. :bigsmile:

Beezil

You can just talk freely or use the following questions to guide you! Thanks for sharing your perspective!


If you're the SAHP (stay at home parent) ...are your envious that your spouse gets to "escape" ...even if it is for work?

Do you like staying at home?

If you're the off-to-work parent...are you resentful that your spouse stays at home? Do you care that your spouse isn't contributing to the household income?

What would the ideal arrangement look like for you?

I'm a SAHM for my son's whole life. I've never actually had to work. I dropped out of highschool when I was 16 and got pregnant - and we were living with my husband's mother at the time. We moved into an apartment and he got a full-time job then to start saving for the baby. It's been just over 10 years now for me and I really do enjoy it most of the time.

I do get a little jealous sometimes that my husband can leave for work, or whenever he wants really. I don't drive either, I have thought about getting my driver's license, but I have really bad anxiety just being in a car. Trying to drive always gets me shaking and freaking out, even on an empty road. There have been times when I wished I could get out more, but these days I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. I really like being able to have my free time when our son is in school. I've always been kind of a loner and an artistic person, so I have many things I enjoy doing in that time. Cleaning the house typically only takes 1-2 hours out of my day, which leaves the majority of it to do whatever I like.

I do cook dinner for us all 5 nights a week, take care of everyone's laundry, etc., and when my son is home, I am 100% concerned with his needs. I do all of the cleaning - but occasionally I will ask the boys to take out the garbage or do a load of dishes. My son is old enough now I have him fold and put away his own laundry most of the time, too. During the summer he has chores that he has to do to earn his allowance. During the school year I let that stuff slide for the most part, and he earns allowance for being good at school and getting good grades. I'm trying to keep him responsible and teach him about earning / spending money wisely, but I don't want him to worry too much about that stuff so he can enjoy being a kid! As long as he cleans his room once a week during school, I'll be happy. I mostly want him to focus on doing well in school.

Sometimes I do think my husband envies me staying home, and he has said before he would trade places in a heart beat. But, he's also said there's no way he could do everything I do for us, and he'd go stir crazy very fast if he were at home all the time. lol. I guess I just enjoy being a hermit. I have my four kitties, my ball python, my computer, my art supplies, and I work out 5-6 nights a week usually. I've also come to really enjoy spending time with my son one on one, which is time my husband doesn't get as much with him. He drives me crazy a lot, but my son and I have a very close bond and it's so special to me. I like helping him with his homework when he needs it and watching movies, playing games. I love reading to him and seeing his face light up. I feel I have a very fulfilling life, and really appreciate that my husband works so hard so that I can stay home all the time. I'm very lucky.

I do realize, however, that one child to take care of is SO much easier than 2 or 3 or 4 or more children. Yes, my son has ADHD and some emotional troubles, but I still think I have a very easy job compared to other SAHP's with more kids. Quite a few people have told me that my son is almost like taking care of 2 kids LOL but yeah. Just the other day I was at my sister's inlaws' house, where they had twin girls (18 mos old) and a brand new baby girl just a few days old. Talk about stressful! I was only there for a few hours and I was worn out by the time we left! Cute as buttons, but they do run you down quickly at that age when there's more than one. lol.

I applaud working parents just as much as those who stay home - it's truthfully not important how parents do their thing as long as it works for them and their children!

cgarand

My son is grown and is a husband and father himself now. But, if I had to do it over again I would stay home or just work part time. Especially since as a nurse I have had to work nights, weekends and holidays his whole life. It can be done, but it goes by so quickly I want to go back and savor it this time.

ps-Being a grandmother is the most wonderful thing in the world! My grandson is the earth and sky to me.

Becky388

I feel very fortunate that I was able to stay at home with my son. I didn't want a day care raising him and wanted to be free to be involved with all school functions. We weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination but we got by. If I had to do it over, I'd do the same.

gjulie

Im at home since we married 21 years ago raised 5 kids and liooked after my mum with Dementia until recently she had to go into care as I just couldnt manage .I love being at home!I realise how fast kids grow and Im not sorry to be here while they are young,thats just me personally,Im glad I didnt go to work! Financially not easy at times!

Icelandic_Saga

I used to be one and loved it Hard on the finances though so off to work I go!!

AliciaStinger

I can't comment from the spouse/parent perspective, but I'll share my opinions: Before sites like eBay and Amazon were popular (and before Internet was in most houses, let alone most cell phones!) my parents used to sell vintage eyeglasses to shops around the U.S. Before my parents decided to home school us, they would each take turns staying home. One parent would stay with us while the other traveled for business. Then the away-parent would come home, we'd be together, and the home-parent would pack up and travel.

I'm guessing that it became easier and more cost-effective to stop traveling. When I was about 12, my parents decided to sell on eBay. When I was 15, my mom found a job, and my dad became the stay-at-home parent to me and my younger brother (three years younger). Now, I have no problem with "tradition," but I've gotten a lot of crap for having a "Mr. Mom" for a dad. It doesn't bother me on a personal level -- but I wonder how anyone can be so ignorant that they think it's wrong or pathetic for my dad to want to spend time with me and my little brother. Any parent who doesn't want to spend time with their kids SHOULDN'T HAVE KIDS. On the other hand, if you're going to bring people into this world, take time and love them, and teach them how to be good people, or find them a home with someone who will.

However, the reality is that most people don't have the opportunity to stay home with their children. It's not because they don't love them - in fact, the opposite; they need to make money and take care of their kids. There is no shame what so ever in being a stay-at-home parent - regardless of your gender (or "traditional" arrangements) - and there is nothing wrong with being away at work to support your family. I think it's up to each family to find what works for them.

Nerdybreisawesome

What would the ideal arrangement look like for you?

Working from home doing my own business. I do not have the funds to start one so off to work I go.

lauren3382

This is a topic I feel very strongly about. Every family situation is different and therefore I never judge the decision other families make in regards to working vs SAHP. I work full-time and I'm the primary bread winner, so I feel added stress especially during tough economic times when my company goes through restructuring. I still consider myself a full-time mom and full-time wife. My children are the focus of my life, even though I'm not with them all day. I plan meals and cook ahead so that minimal time is taken away from them when I'm not working. Both of my children were exclusively breastfed for 12+ months, which is no easy feat for someone who works outside the home. I use my vacation days to take care of them when they are sick or just to plan a special mother/daughter or mother/son day. My husband also does the same. I use my lunch breaks to workout and take care of myself. My husband and I share the day-to-day household responsibilities. I hope that I'm showing my children that it is possible to balance it all if working is the route they choose for their families. I feel fulfilled by my life and the route that I've chosen to take and I hope it's not something I'd be judged on.

kaseysospacey

I'm a bit envious of his time out but I really need to be around as I'm breastfeeding our daughter throughout the day. I will be going to work in 2013 though, and I look forward to it. Particularly because I'll be making more money than he does and we could really use it.

kaseysospacey

For those of you calling me ignorant, dumb, child-less, etc., you do not know me personally nor do you know my values & how I am within a household. I may not have my own children, but I have lived with children of all ages & types for my entire life because my mother is the matriarch of the family.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen my cousins, sisters, aunts, so on & so forth, use their free time to watch 2-3 hours of TV while their child was sleeping or busy playing with a toy. I personally do not watch TV and am the type of person whom would use that time to exercise, read a book, dance, write, draw, etc.

I don't know what kind of parent you are, & I won't dare judge or assume, but If mothers have time to watch TV, they have time to do something more productive that can be just as relaxing & fun, period.

I never once said that I would ignore my children, nor did I say that I wouldn't attend to them accordingly. One member said that she had a career. I also assume that, because you're on MFP, you spend at least 30 minutes a day working on your health & fitness in moderate exercise. That's also time taken away from your children.

You're doing the exact same thing that I had in mind (focusing on health, expanding & fulfilling oneself), except the difference is that you're out of the house doing it. What would make any other non-SAHM different from a SAHM that wanted to do intrinsic, self-motivated activities from her home?

I don't see why its so awful for a mom to watch tv. I watch Walking Dead every week while the season is going and Doctor Who every week while the season is going. It's not for you to judge what is and is not a worthwhile leisure activity. Some people like tv. I'm also a person who would choose to read or something else before tv most of the time, but that doesn't mean everyone should have to do that. Being a mom can be stressful, and if watching Twin Peaks on netflix is how you chill during the day then that should be okay.

kaseysospacey

I feel that Stay-At-Homes should take advantage of the fact that they're home & get involved with new hobbies, learn an instrument, write a book, exercise, dance, learn to draw or paint, etc. They have a lot of time to cultivate some wonderful skills & activities that can make them truly happy, & I feel like they don't take advantage of that as much as they should (or at least, you don't hear about it).

If I became a SAHM (never will, though ) I would DEFINITELY be spending all of that time fulfilling intrinsic motives in my life! I do that now, but I would have much more time for it all as an SAHM.

I just don't understand where you got the impression that there's so much free time. Maybe if someone has one kid who goes to school? I have 3 kids 4 and under and I don't get a vast amount of time to "cultivate skills". Sometimes I get time to pee and post on here while I'm hiding in the bathroom. I guess I'd have time if I stopped feeding and bathing my kids...

Nice

I've been a stay at home mom for over 6 years now. I also generate income by running a daycare in my home. My youngest is ready for school in September..and although I loved raising my own children, I really can't wait to get out of here..haha

WendyTerry420

I feel that people should do what's right for them. My husband has been stay-at-home dad while I go to work. I think he resents being able to get out of the house, but now that the kids are in their teens, he is able to get out and about and is now looking for a part-time job. We did this to avoid pay a stranger hundreds of dollars to babysit for us. (Plus hubby homeschooled the kids for 8 years! I was a little jealous that he got to do that. I did the curriculum, but he got to teach it.)

But this has worked for us, and we were able to raise intelligent, independent, free-thinkers with this lifestyle. Some people may find it weird that the "little lady" went to work while "big daddy" stayed home, but the honest truth is I make more money, so why would the higher earner be the one to stay home?

pixtotts

ive said this on another thread about this... those who have it hardest are the work from home parents.... they do the stay at home bit... and the work bit all at the same time I think those people are just a little insane!
x

WendyTerry420

<snip> I am my child's mother, not his playmate. It is not my "job" to keep him entertained 24/7. The notion of constantly giving into your child's wants and demands is relatively new to parenting, and can be directly linked to why a lot of children are incredibly dependent and needy.
<snip>

I could not have stated this any better. So true!

WendyTerry420

<snip> I couldn't imagine letting a 3 year old go off to play by himself. Or be ""creative" by himself. How can a THREE year old "simply love being alone" ?
<snip>

Sorry, but at three years old, children *SHOULD* be interested in independent play. This is the time frame when they they do NOT play with other children, even if other children are present. They play side-by-side and do their own thing. If a three year old isn't able to play alone, then there are some issues that should be dealt with.

WendyTerry420

<snip>

I get your point, but sometimes "security" comes at a secondary to being able to care for your children.

This is a fact of life. I think that having kids to raise *eliminates* the concept of security in your life! :laugh:

beccannes

This is a topic I feel very strongly about. Every family situation is different and therefore I never judge the decision other families make in regards to working vs SAHP. I work full-time and I'm the primary bread winner, so I feel added stress especially during tough economic times when my company goes through restructuring. I still consider myself a full-time mom and full-time wife. My children are the focus of my life, even though I'm not with them all day. I plan meals and cook ahead so that minimal time is taken away from them when I'm not working. Both of my children were exclusively breastfed for 12+ months, which is no easy feat for someone who works outside the home. I use my vacation days to take care of them when they are sick or just to plan a special mother/daughter or mother/son day. My husband also does the same. I use my lunch breaks to workout and take care of myself. My husband and I share the day-to-day household responsibilities. I hope that I'm showing my children that it is possible to balance it all if working is the route they choose for their families. I feel fulfilled by my life and the route that I've chosen to take and I hope it's not something I'd be judged on.

I’m a working mother too and I agree w/ everything you wrote! Just because you work outside of the home does not mean that you can't raise and are less part of their lives. I BF my 3 children until 12 months too! "Quality" time is very important whether you are SAH or a working mother.

chezmama

I give them a lot of credit, but I know I would be crap at it. Working at a job I love is the best way for me to contribute to my family. And since my husband and I work split shifts (him first, me second) our kids have never really had day care. When they were young enough to need care, they spent the afternoons with their aunt. We have been blessed in that way.

CJisinShape

I'm a stay at home mom and I homeschool 3 kids ages 6 and under. I grew to love it. At first, it was hard. Trying to keep the house clean was so hard. Now that my youngest can do stuff, our life is fun. We do a lot of stuff for homeschool, so my days are fun. I don't resent my spouse going to work. I think he would appreciate if I made money, but has constantly reaffirmed our decision to homeschool, because he thinks it makes the kids very happy and they learn a lot.

It's the best job I ever had. I wish I were better at it - my house isn't always clean, and we eat takeout more than we like. I've been able to do things I didn't have the time for when I was working - business school, sewing classes, art, cake decorating, gardening. And the perks for my husband is a hot breakfast every morning, pancakes any day of the week, and not having to pick up or drop off the kids to school/daycare anymore. Being a SAHM wasn't in my plan, but God had a better plan for me!!!

CJisinShape

..

Dub_D

Being a stay at home mom does not make you a better parent than a mom who works full time is all I have to say on this subject!