Can a marriage survive??

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  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    Not if youre dumping all this private and humiliating business on the internet. Does he know you talk about this in a public forum on the internet to strangers?
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
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    Lemme see if I have this right:

    The guy is dipping his dipstick into other vehicles, then bringing it home and dipping it back into his own vehicle? The dipstick could become contaminated and once that happens, he could contaminate all engines that disptick uses in the future.

    No...I'd say find a disptick and make sure that it's only being inserted in 1 engine!
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    Lemme see if I have this right:

    The guy is dipping his dipstick into other vehicles, then bringing it home and dipping it back into his own vehicle? The dipstick could become contaminated and once that happens, he could contaminate all engines that disptick uses in the future.

    No...I'd say find a disptick and make sure that it's only being inserted in 1 engine!

    ROFL. Yes. Sage. Sage advice.
  • Ta2dchic20
    Ta2dchic20 Posts: 376 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.

    Marriages??? I'm guessing one didn't survive?

    I have a friend going through this right now. I think you need a lot of support from your friends. A lot of people will tell you to dump him, etc, but only you will knoe when the time is right and when/if you're ready to do that.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    It can if you both truly can forgive and want to move past it. I have someone very close to me who was forgiven for his affair (early in the marriage) and they've now been married over 20 years...and are stronger now than ever before.

    Personally I probably could not forgive something like that, but everyone is different...

    Good luck to you!
  • bellygoaway
    bellygoaway Posts: 441 Member
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    I am single and never married, so I am speaking from the sidelines on this one. I have some friends who are still married after an affair. In some cases it was many (over 10) years ago, and their marriage is super strong today. Others it was more recent and their marriage I would say is in recovery mode. So to answer your question, Yes it can, but like anything worth while it takes work, commitment, and grace, and mercy.
    I for one hope your marriage makes it.
  • sdavis448
    sdavis448 Posts: 195 Member
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    I think the fact that he initially lied about it makes it harder.
    My fiance and I have been together 6 years.. around year 3, when our son was a year old.. we were having a ton of problems. financially, emotionally. just everything was going wrong. my fiance ended up having a fling witha co worker, a one time thing. i found out, my fiance came clean and said that he broke it off immediatly. A week after I found out, his co-worker started dating his brother. she is now my future sister in law and the mother of our niece.. and a complete looney toon to boot.
    My fiance and I are stronger then ever, now have 2 beautiful kids, and are finally getting around to our wedding
    If we can survive this craziness, I think there is hope for anything.. as long as the man is remorseful.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
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    It depends on so many things. Is he willing to be transparent from here on out? Deal with you feeling insecure for a very long time? Go to therapy with you? Does he admit he made a HUGE mistake? It is up to him, more than you. You can work through it, yes, but it won't be easy. If you do decide to stay, you have to work on letting it go (with his help, of course). You can't hold it against him forever, and if you think you will then you shouldn't stay together.
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
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    Get counseling. Some marriages survive and become stronger, but others do not. He has got to be willing to understand the mistake he made and that it will take time to regain your trust. I am not sure what I would do if my husband cheated on me. I think I would leave only because I would never be able to get past the betrayal.
  • Flamenquero
    Flamenquero Posts: 132
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    Still would like to hear what these guys say after they cheated. What to they say the reason was?
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    From very early on in our relationship, I told DH that I had two dealbreaking rules. 1) no cheating 2) no physical abuse. Thankfully he's on the same page and adores me enough to not even consider breaking either. I'm pretty open minded about relationships but I also know myself and I happen to be a super jealous person. It took me years to trust him enough so that I wasn't freaking out every time he came home a little late or seemed to be on the phone a lot. Serious, I'm that bad... So I just don't think I could get over infidelity because I'd be one of those hagging harpy wives and he wouldn't be too happy with that either. As much as I can't fathom living my life without this man, I know if it came to that, we'd be much better off apart than together.

    Also have to add - for those of you saying she vowed 'til death do us part' - you all seem to be forgetting that he also broke his vow to be faithful to her and forsake all others.
  • beach_please
    beach_please Posts: 533 Member
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    Infidelity is rampant, we're not a very monogamous species. The difference between the couples who last and the ones that fall apart is whether or not they're willing to work on things.

    I agree 100%. I'm a firm believer that relationships/marriages can survive and thrive despite infidelity. It doesn't have to be an end-all.
  • Femmekid
    Femmekid Posts: 424 Member
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    You'll never be able to trust him again unfortunately.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    You are the only one who can really answer this question for yourself.
  • TillyMomma
    TillyMomma Posts: 262
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    I've been through a similar situation, but we were able to rebuild. The issue at hand here is trust. Without trust, you don't have anything. And after what he did, trust could be a long time coming. You are really the only person who can decide this.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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    Repeat of what others have said. It is about trust.
    If there is no trust, every day is a challenge and miserable.

    I speak from experience. Without my long depressing story the end of it is that I could not trust him. He repelled me. All I could see was him kissing her. He wanted someone other than me and that made me not want him anymore.

    Trust is the easiest thing to break and the hardest thing to build.

    IF You really want to keep at it, talk it out. Get every skelleton out of every closet. including the "little stuff" like if you hate that he leaves the toilet seat up and the big stuff like if he wants you to wash the dishes wearing a tutu.
    If you guys can do that you will be able to learn whether it will work or not.

    Evey relationship must have a Level of Acceptance: what you are willing to accept for your own happiness and sanity.

    Staying together for kids or pets or rent is crap. We get married or commit to a person because we want to spend the rest of our lives with just that person.

    Ugh. I hate cheaters. It's so bloody spineless and sad.

    Calling bs on your statement about staying for kids or rent. I saw a program on tv and it said that divorce is a leading cause of homelessness. The pain of infidelity is horrible. Why add to the suffering?! I read a study about marriages and found that people in unhappy marriages who wait things out are happier 5 years later than those who divorce and are asked about their happiness 5 years later. Add that most counselors are "neutral" about your marriage - why pay money to someone that would suggest you divorce???
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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    And moreover, how has this culture of divorce increased anyone's happiness? All those kids who cry about not seeing their dads? All those single moms stressed out over paying bills and raising kids, let alone trying to find the second "one" after the first "one" didn't work out? Then they find out that the more you remarry, the higher the likelihood of divorce? And the next guy is just as human as the last one and can be tempted just like the other one.... How is THAT any better than trying to work it out?
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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    And moreover, how has this culture of divorce increased anyone's happiness? All those kids who cry about not seeing their dads? All those single moms stressed out over paying bills and raising kids, let alone trying to find the second "one" after the first "one" didn't work out? Then they find out that the more you remarry, the higher the likelihood of divorce? And the next guy is just as human as the last one and can be tempted just like the other one.... How is THAT any better than trying to work it out?
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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    Add to that, I also understand that adultery is painful, and some would prefer not to be around the person that hurt them so. But I did want to remind people that divorce sucks before they flip off and tell people to cut and run before seeing if things get better in a few years.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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